Fiance left me for my closest friend

[Wishing on a star]

Wow robin, excellent post.

 

[Robinrs]

Wow robin, excellent post.

...it kind of sucks that you know so much about something because you dragged yourself thru it . The only plus is you can try to help someone who is still going thru it. It's a process.

 

[bumbershoot]

You said you're young...remember that. I bet that right now the future is yawning ahead of you, feeling bleak and sad and lonely...but surely you know that's not true. Sure it gets scary, but the truth is, people get through the end of relationships all the time, and you will be one of them as well.

Right now you ARE in mourning. And that's OK. Take some time to work through it.

You know you did nothing wrong...sometimes people just don't work out. If YOU want to cut your hair, cut your hair...don't cut it just to spite him. He won't care now, and if he does notice it and think about it, he's not going to be thinking anything positive...you don't want him to think weird things about you...but if YOU like it shorter, go for it. Don't do things to get back at him...it won't do anything positive for you.

While it's possible you all will be friends again in the future, right now they aren't safe for you, IMO. Down the road maybe you and your friend can build something back up...but for now, she's not a good friend to you.

When a relationship ends, it's a great time to look at who you are. Did you lose some part of yourself in the relationship? Do you miss that part of you? Get that part back! Develop other parts of you that you feel have been neglected. Be YOU, find you. The biggest nastiest fallout of a relationship that I had was NOT because I loved the dude so much (didn't love him at all, actually...our breakup was, basically, "I can't take this **** anymore", "neither can I, I don't even love you", "I don't love you either", "let's end this then"), but because I'd tossed aside SO much of what I was at heart, just to fit into this guy's life. I spent MONTHS crying, months! I even tried a church for something new (I'm not religious AT ALL, never have been, never will be, even during that time...I mean, I sat in the back of this enormous place and just zoned out on the positive energy of the place, LOL...not what I think the head of the church was intending). I had lost so much of myself in just a few short months of dating...I had to find ME. Everyone around me thought that I was mourning the loss of him (and he'd moved on to a graduate school classmate of ours VERY quickly, a little too quickly as I'm sure you know what I mean), but I was mourning the loss of me instead.

Anyway, really good growth came out of that, and I became a bit more me. So take the time to find you, but do it for YOUR sake, not for this dude's.

The future is brighter than you think it is right now. Don't lose heart just b/c of your current feelings.

Take it day by day.

I do recommend really looking at the church you're going to...I would be very uncomfortable going to one where this was really accepted by others...yes you were broken up (we hope), but wow I think that it's a bit too close in time for me to be comfy with them being OK with it so fast. On the other hand, if you go to my stepdad's church, it would all be deemed OK as long as they had a convo with their omniscient one, so...I might have an unreasonable expectation of the morals inside of a group like that...



[and just in case you've ever seen any of my previous posts about pseudo-relationships with otherwise-involved men, yes I have had some hypocritical, compared to this, moments in my life, I own that, but I am a multifaceted person who has lived a bit of life and do know some things, and am allowed to share my feelings even if I played a bit loose with the morals for a period of my life, for which I have been thoroughly smacked around by the universe already]

[and if you haven't seen them, then ignore that.]

 

[JLTraveling]

I've been there, sort of. My ex-husband left less than a month after my mom (who was my best friend) passed away. He moved in with a previous girlfriend. I didn't know her then, but she was a former member of a theater troupe I joined shortly after he left. About a month after I joined, she came back, primarily to announce that she was the one now living with my husband (it was before the divorce was final). Now I had to deal with her being part of my new, very small and close-knit circle of friends.

I felt doubly devastated...not only was the hurt of being left still raw (and the pain of losing my mother), but the new girl had intruded into the safe place I had found while trying to heal. I also felt a bit betrayed by our director, who knew the entire story and allowed the girl to rejoin.

I ended up distancing myself from the group. I kept close ties to a couple of members that had nothing to do with the situation, but I moved everyone else to arm's length. I didn't burn bridges, and I remained socially polite.

As I suspected, ex-husband and new girl got married about six months after the divorce was final. Two years later, they got divorced in what I understand was a hellacious breakup. Both are still muddling along in dead-end careers and refusing to grow up.

Meanwhile, I stepped back and, after allowing myself to grieve for awhile, starting working on myself. Like you, I had a terrible time with being alone, tons of insecurity and worry, and a lot of self-doubts. As I worked on healing, I also worked on those issues. I still have to remind myself to trust my own instincts, but I'm doing so much better in all those areas. I've also built a successful career in a field I adore (writing). I travel the world full-time. I've rebuilt my relationship with my father (we had a major falling out when I was in my teens, and had barely spoken in years, now we actually travel together and are quite close). I'm doing extremely well now.

As I've grown and matured, I've come to realize how horribly wrong for me my ex truly was. I'm not going to say he's a bad person, just very, very bad for me. I'm still waiting for my soul mate, but I truly believe that when I find him, he'll be the right person for the me that I now am, rather than the insecure person I was then. I don't think I could have developed in this direction while I was with the ex.

I feel for you, OP. This sort of situation sucks, and I'm glad that you're able to recognize that and be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong. Maybe your ex and your BF did, maybe they didn't. I don't know them, so I can't judge. But the net result is that you got hurt very, very badly. My advice is to distance yourself FOR NOW, in a way that doesn't burn bridges. Maybe you'll want to pursue friendship with one or both later, maybe you won't. Right now you're not clear-headed enough to make that determination.

Give yourself the time and distance to grieve both relationships and, when you feel ready, begin to work on healing. You will be stronger for this in the long run, I promise. In the meantime, take it one day at a time. If that feels like too much, take it one hour or even one minute at a time (I did a whole lot of that!). Just keep breathing and remember that every day you make it through makes things the tiniest bit easier.

 

[Christine]

On the surface, painful as this is, it *sounds* as if everyone was on the up and up. Your ex-fiance was right to call things off if he even had the smallest inkling of feelings for anyone.

Your friend, who may or may not truly be your friend, was right to be direct with you about it. I've read and heard of so many instances of people being horrible dishonest in these situations that I almost have to applaud that this situation came out in the open when it did.

As others have said, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Certain people mesh better than others. The jury is still out as to whether your ex and your friend are right for each other. Their feelings may not last for the long haul. The feelings of newfound romance are very intense and while it may seem "right" to them today, it may not last. Doesn't matter to you anyway. If your ex can have these feelings for someone else, the relationship between you two isn't where it needs to be. For that, you should be grateful that this came out when it did, although I know it doesn't feel good right now.

As to whether you can have a relationship with these people: I would avoid the ex. You need to move on from him and your attachment to him. I don't think there is room for a friendship, at least not in the forseeable future. As to the woman, it depends if you feel she was dishonest and betrayed you or did her feelings come about by innocent interactions in the group? I know people say that a friend would not fall in love with your boyfriend, but I've never known anyone who was able to tell themselves who they can and can't love. Certainly she did not have to act on the feelings but she did. And in the end, whether she acted on them or not doesn't change the way she feels.

If my good friend had strong romantic feelings toward my significant other, I don't know how I'd feel about her keeping it from me and trying to get through life. I don't have dishonest friendships for the most part so I doubt I would want her to hide that from me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is the issue with trying to remain friends. What if they get engaged? Do you think her "friend" is going to include her? Of course not.
It will be very hard to remain friends. Now it is doable of course, but not everyone could walk that line.

 

[Tinkh]

I am very sorry that this happened to you I truly believe that things happen for a reason. In high school, my sister dated my first love after we broke up. I was so hurt, but I hid that from her for years. They only dated a few months, but it still stung. However, I love my sister so much and am so glad that I did not let it affect our relationship too badly. If the pain is not too great, I hope you are able to keep your close friendships and that you find happiness in a new relationship. Heck, I bet when YOU meet someone new he will be feeling a bit of jealousy. Human nature for sure.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Be kind to yourself first. Can you take a vacation? Even a short one, might do you a world of good.

In addition to the friend and ex-bf situation, I would wonder about your circle of friends. I would wonder what they knew and when. I would wonder, when did these feelings of the friend's and ex-bf begin and when did he/she know the feelings were mutual? You might not need to ask. Now that you know about your friend and ex-bf, you may see past events in a new light.

I think the friend consoling you under these circumstances was cruel.

It's a lot to take in and process. If it were me, I'd shut off communication with all of them and sort everything out, for myself. I'd also start making some new routines and new friendships.