Fiance left me for my closest friend

[pigletgirl]

I am soooo very sorry! BIG HUGS!

You have every right to feel angry, betrayed, saddened, ect...... If you need a good cry, just let it out. What happened to you is totally and utterly uncalled for.

Your 'friend' has hurt you in a big way. I wouldn't even consider her a friend.

But man, I really cannot think of anything else to say...

 

[disykat]

I am sorry that you are going thru this situation. I think that you have handled the situation very well and with much grace.

I agree.

This is one of those gifts that doesn't seem like a gift at all. But it is.

.

I agree with this too.

Is it clear at this point whether he returns her feelings?

Over the next few days you will get an idea of who your friends really are. Hopefully this "couple" will "bow out" and let the rest of your group of friends embrace you.

 

[hurt]

Wow, thank you so much for all the support and responses. I really am blown away and appreciate every one of them.

Truly, I don't believe my friend and ex-Fiance would have done anything behind my back. While his feelings for her may have had something to do with the breakup, I honestly can't see either of them getting involved physically or emotionally while we were still engaged. They really are good people and I don't think either of them would do that.

I think I do need to take some time away from the friendship just to clear my head but we have been friends for most of my life and it really isn't something I want to walk away from. She has been there for me through so many things and before this I would have trusted her with my life. I love my church and I don't want to let them take it away from me. However, I think I will back off from a few of the social aspects for a while.

I really DO need to work on myself more than anything because I know a lot of the pain I'm feeling is from insecurity and worry. He always said he loved my hair long so maybe I'll go get a new cut or buy some new clothes or something! I think the real issue here is more with myself and how I'm feeling although I AM hurt by them it saddens me that things will probably never be quite the same. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of both relationships.

 

[RitaE]

I don't know. I've watched a friend go through something similar although in her case is was after the marriage ceremony. I think that as a "polite" society and women especially we are often told how wonderful it is to tamp down those emotions and not hate and turn the other cheek and all of that nicety-nice crap.

At this moment I'm not so sure I agree with that. I suspect that if you think about how you honestly feel toward them, it isn't nice at all.

What they have done to you sucks and in my opinion you deserve a bit of hate and anger. Anger is an honest emotion, maybe it shouldn't be denied.

I suggest burning a couple of piles of dog poop on their front porches and a weekend of margaritas myself. But its up to you. You go to Church so you're probably much more in favor of the turn the other cheek option than I am.

 

[karice2]

Just want to give you a quick bit of advice that my grandma gave me when I was young. You are young and I hope that it helps you with your next relationship. I have gone through something similar, not the same because my friends know better.

Your fatal mistake was assuming that it was ok for you to allow another woman an opportunity to be a part of your relationship with your fiance.

My grandma always said, your relationship is between you and your partner and not anyone else. Good, bad or indifferent. What happens between you stays between you two. Unless of course he is abusive.

Young women typically overshare about the nuances of their relationships and give their friends much too much information. Of course she knew how to make him fall in love, she knows everything about him from you.

Learn the lesson from this. Move on and threaten your next set of friends.

 

[Hannathy]

I really DO need to work on myself more than anything because I know a lot of the pain I'm feeling is from insecurity and worry. He always said he loved my hair long so maybe I'll go get a new cut or buy some new clothes or something! I think the real issue here is more with myself and how I'm feeling although I AM hurt by them it saddens me that things will probably never be quite the same. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of both relationships.

Exactly! you are grieving the loss of both relationships because neither will ever be the same again.

And if you haven't listened to that song I suggested please do because this is exactly what she proposes! (the new hairdo)


PS I'm with the don't be to easy on your friend a true friend wouldn't have done what she did.

 

[msmayor]

While not ever my fiance', I was in a situation where a guy I dated for almost a year ended up liking my sister better.

Much like your friend, she talked to me before they went out. She didn't want to hurt my feelings, and much like you I told her I wasn't going to make her choose me or him. I gave my blessing and while it did hurt for a while, it got better.

So much better, in fact, that I feel so lucky to have him as my brother-in-law! Yup...he and my sister ended up getting married, and have been happy together for 30 years.

Time made me realize that he WASN'T the right guy for me, but he was perfect for my sister. I'm so glad that I didn't let my own feelings interfere with her happiness, because she truly is my best friend. My DH and I are very close to both of them.

Not to mention that the story of my sister marrying my ex-boyfriend makes for GREAT bar conversation!

 

[disneyfans95]

i know this will sound harsh, but you need to suck it up and move on.

This...

You came in 2nd place (for now!). Everything happens for a reason and while it sounds weak now, give it time.

My fiance and I broke up way back in the 90's. Felt like you did now. She left me.

Guess what, my now wife came into my life. We are going on 15 years in two weeks, two great kids and my marriage and life are wonderful. I see my ex once in awhile and she has major issues and problems.

It will work out. Hard to see it now, but it will!

 

[shortbun]

Thanks, everyone.

I guess this really is something I need to just move on from rather than something I can fix. I'm just terrified of being alone and feel like my whole life is off track now. I don't want to give a guy that kind of power over me, so I'm working on it but it's hard.

I do appreciate the prayers and thank you kwelch, I will try to spend more time with others in our group of friends and develop better relationships.

I know I might sound whiny but it really is helpful just to get this out, so thank you so much for just letting me vent.

I think you need to work on the 'terrified of being alone' thing. When you learn to be comfortable with being alone -then you will be a good mate. Marriage can be really lonely for someone thinking they are going to be linked at the hip with their spouse. When you said, "I don't want to give a guy that kind of power....." , you said a mouthfull. It is your power and you don't 'give' it to anyone. Again, spend some alone time and make some new friends. You don't have to leave these people behind but at this time it would not be healthy for you to have them in your immediate circle. Good luck.

 

[SC Minnie]

I know its hard to see now but consider yourself lucky. This guy proposed to you and then a month later broke it off to be with your best friend. ??? Yeah, be thankful he didn't go through the marriage, mess around with her, and you find out after marriage and children.

There is no need to feel ashamed either. You didn't do anything wrong. Continue to mourn the life you thought you were going to have but realize he wasn't the person you thought he was. There is someone else out there for you.

 

[CF'er]

I'm sorry if this had been said already... I haven't read all of the responses.

A "best friend" would never make a move on her "best friend's" fiance a month after the break up. Period.

Cut them both out of your life and move on... it will lessen the hurt in the long run.

 

[cm8]

I apologize for posting this anonymously but I know a number of people on the boards and to be honest I just do not want this connected with my username. If you are reading this and figure out who I am, I would really appreciate if you kept it to yourself! Mods, if this is inappropriate please let me know and I will delete the account. I could just really use some objective advice. Thanks.

Basically, my fiance broke up with me about a month ago. We did not have a wedding date set or invitations mailed (thank goodness), we were just in the stage of starting to research venues and talk about timing, etc. We are both young and did not want to rush anything. We had been together two years and engaged for two months. My fiance really gave no details when he told me he didn't want to be together, just that his feelings had changed and he was sorry.

We had been friends for years before we started dating and have a very, very close circle of friends through church. About a week ago, my best girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me and asked if we could go out for coffee. She was terribly anxious and essentially told me that she has had feelings for my ex-Fiance for some time now and he feels the same way about her. She said she felt awful about it and would not pursue the relationship without my blessing, apologizing over and over. She was there through the entire breakup and saw how hurt I was and has honestly been a wonderful friend to me.

I did not want to put her in the position of choosing between us or hurting our friendship because she means the world to me, so I told her I was okay with it. I did let her know it would be hard for me and I would need some time to get used to it, but that was it. The more time passes though, the more I am feeling hurt. Not only did my Fiance not want me, he wanted my best friend instead of me. There are so many questions running through my mind like... when did he start having feelings for her instead of me? What does he see in her that I didn't have? Could I have done anything differently? What's wrong with me?

I know she can't help her feelings but it's really hard not to be upset with her. She saw how heartbroken I was. I know if I asked her to stop seeing him she would, but I don't feel right forcing her to make a decision like that.

I saw my whole life ahead of me with him, and now not only is that gone and I have to start from scratch... I have to watch him rebuild his life with her. Imagining them with married with a family literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking... that was supposed to be me. That was my dream.

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

I've honestly never felt so alone before. I don't know what to do or how to move on. All advice/opinions are appreciated. TIA.

You will never have peace if the both of them are still in your life. They do not deserve to have you as a friend. What they have is not something that happened over night. Let them both go and don't go back. You deserve much better than the friendship that they both were giving you. God bless and pray....

 

[sbell111]

... Maybe the best thing to do is take a few steps back and give yourself a little distance from your friend for a little bit, take some time to deal with it and then maybe rebuild your friendship with her. But maybe that won't ever happen...you might not ever trust her again, but maybe you will, only time will tell. ...

I fail to see how the friend broke any trust. The OP's relationship was over. The field was clear. The friend went to the OP to get her blessing and received it. She's done nothing wrong.

... My best friend would never EVER get in between my now husband and I. Im sorry that is not a good friend. Someone that does that is no friend to anyone.

The best friend didn't get in between anyone. The relationship was over.

 

[shortbun]

I fail to see how the friend broke any trust. The OP's relationship was over. The field was clear. The friend went to the OP to get her blessing and received it. She's done nothing wrong.

The best friend didn't get in between anyone. The relationship was over.

I'm a cynic. I would take this as a polite gesture by someone already in that relationship she was asking about. Nice but not necessarily something to relieve her of her responsibility. When I was in my early 20's, I walked away from an attraction really fast when it was my good friend's current flame. I just kept making excuses until I was comfortable again.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

i know this will sound harsh, but you need to suck it up and move on.

ITA. I couldn't agree more in fact.

After a while, you'll be able to sit back and look at your relationship and re-evaluate. Chances are this was a blessing in disguise and not the right person for you.

I had my heart trampled by a guy a several years ago. He was my life. He walked out 6 months before our wedding. I had my dress, we set a date, notified the wedding party, the works. I was completely and 100% destroyed by it. Now that I look at where I am today, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we would have stayed together, chances are I would have been miserable and we most likely would have divorced by now had we gone through with the marriage.

Sit back, take some time for yourself and learn to love yourself again. The right person will show up.

 

[Buckalew11]

I know someone that this happened to. The two girls ended up hating each other for quite some time. Time healed, they were just in each others weddings this summer! And the other girl did marry the other's friend's ex. So, these things can work themselves out in time.

You'll be fine, in time, but need to give yourslef time to grieve this relationship. Your friendship may or may not heal...but as others have said, count yourself lucky. You will find the right man for you. Hugs!!!

 

[KiKi Mouse]

You do sound young so I am giving some advice from somebody that is older, has been divorced and remarried (happily), and has kids.

Life is too short and you only go around once. You are important and deserve a happy life. There is light at the end of the dark tunnel and someday you will be very thankful that this situation played out the way it did right now.

I think you need a break from your friend. How can you heal and move on with your life if it is always going to be in your face. You can tell her you still consider her your friend (you are a way bigger person than I am for that) but you need a break for yourself.
Like a PP said, I would see about making a clean break and going to another church at least while emotions are running high. You don't need to see the two of them together there or even her.
Go for counselling if you can. It does wonders.
Be thankful this happened now instead of down the road. It sounds like he cheated, with your best friend yet. To go from engagement to breaking up to new relationship (for him) within a two month period is a big red flag. As his new flame would you really want a guy like that? He is not a "catch" believe me.

In time when you heal and are ready for a relationship you can go into it stronger and with self respect There will come a time where you are ready to date again and there will be a man out there for you who treats you like you deserve to be treated and you will be thankful that you are not with mr. the grass may be greener. Personally I think his grass may turn brown as the years pass.

Good luck to you and *hugs*
It hurts, I know but things will improve for you.

 

[sbell111]

I'm a cynic. I would take this as a polite gesture by someone already in that relationship she was asking about. Nice but not necessarily something to relieve her of her responsibility.

What responsibility?

When I was in my early 20's, I walked away from an attraction really fast when it was my good friend's current flame. I just kept making excuses until I was comfortable again.

Apparently, the friend did this, also. However, once the relationship ended, there was no reason to walk away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wanted to say so much in response to different comments in your post that I replied within your post, with my thoughts in red.

They really are good people and I don't think either of them would do that.

Very simply, You are wrong about that....
It is mere days since your marriage engagement broke up, AND THEY ARE READY AND BITING AT THE BIT TO 'EXPLORE THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER'???? Many people believe that, Biblically, an engagement is a marriage commitment/covenant. They are only trying to, in a very self serving manner, trying to absolve themselves of their guilt with their 'I am so sorry', and their excuses.

I think I do need to take some time away from the friendship just to clear my head
YES, THIS IS THE FIRST CORRECT AND POSITIVE THING THAT YOU HAVE POSTED!!!

but we have been friends for most of my life and it really isn't something I want to walk away from. She has been there for me through so many things and before this I would have trusted her with my life.
DO NOT THROW GOOD AFTER BAD... You have now seen first hand what she has done with your trust.... YOU NEED TO SEE THAT YOUR TRUST WAS MISPLACED, AND LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE.

I really DO need to work on myself more than anything

WHY????? YOU SOUND LIKE YOU FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU???? WHILE PERSONAL GROWTH AND LEARNING ARE ALWAYS A GOOD THING... YOU NEED TO SEE, RIGHT NOW, THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT THESE TWO PEOPLE AND WHO THEY ARE. YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS... YOUR FEELINGS SOUND PERFECTLY NORMAL AND NATURAL, GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

I feel like I'm grieving the loss of both relationships.
YES..... Quite simply, you are grieving.... YOU HAVE BEEN HURT... YOU HAVE SUFFERED A REAL LOSS... AND YOU ARE GRIEVEING!!! I can't begin to imagine how deeply this must hurt.... BUT, GOING THRU THE GRIEF IS IMPORTANT AND NECESSARY... ALLOW YOURSELF THAT...

And, of course, in addition to my words...
I am sending

 

[Robinrs]

I've been in all three positions.

I was you.

I was the one who left

I was the one who was hit on by the ex of a friend.

The first one hurt for awhile but I realized, in time, that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

The last one I told the creep to GET LOST.

Your friend came to you in the guise of goodness, but inside she knew it would hurt you. The best advice I ever got was "if it hurts the person you tell it to more than yourself, DON'T SAY IT."

She was wrong to get into a relationship so quickly after you and HE was wrong to even consider it. They didn't consider your feelings, only their own.

Consider yourself BLESSED, you don't have to deal with this down the line when it involves families and lawyers.

And remember, you are NOT ALONE, you're just a little lonely. That happens sometimes. You find yourself and you will not have to depend on someone else to make you whole. Take this time as an opportunity.

You'll be okay, believe me.