Fiance left me for my closest friend

[DeniseinNS]

I would cut both of them out of my life and move on. Change churches and start hanging out with some different friends. Someone that is truly your best friend would never date someone who broke your heart just a month ago.

 

[DawnCt1]

een us or hurting our friendship because she means the world to me, so I told her I was okay with it. I did let her know it would be hard for me and I would need some time to get used to it, but that was it. The more time passes though, the more I am feeling hurt. Not only did my Fiance not want me, he wanted my best friend instead of me. There are so many questions running through my mind like... when did he start having feelings for her instead of me? What does he see in her that I didn't have? Could I have done anything differently? What's wrong with me?

I know she can't help her feelings but it's really hard not to be upset with her. She saw how heartbroken I was. I know if I asked her to stop seeing him she would, but I don't feel right forcing her to make a decision like that.

I saw my whole life ahead of me with him, and now not only is that gone and I have to start from scratch... I have to watch him rebuild his life with her. Imagining them with married with a family literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking... that was supposed to be me. That was my dream.

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

I've honestly never felt so alone before. I don't know what to do or how to move on. All advice/opinions are appreciated. TIA.

Wow, you are way too kind! She wasn't concerned at all about ruining her friendship with you. She wanted what she wanted. A good friend would have said to their friend's fiance, "get lost". You have no idea what their relationship was prior to the breakup. You only know what they are telling you know. These are not wonderful, kind hearted people, and while it is incredibly painful, it is better to find this kind of thing out now than after the invitations have gone out, or worse, after you were married. Have a pity party for a couple of days, and then you have to pull yourself up, create another circle of friends that you can count on, rather than these sharks that were circling you. God bless you. You will pull through this. Things will get better and you will be a stronger, more independent and happier in the long run, even if you don't feel that way now.

 

[marlynnp]

Thanks, everyone.

I guess this really is something I need to just move on from rather than something I can fix. I'm just terrified of being alone and feel like my whole life is off track now. I don't want to give a guy that kind of power over me, so I'm working on it but it's hard.

I do appreciate the prayers and thank you kwelch, I will try to spend more time with others in our group of friends and develop better relationships.

I know I might sound whiny but it really is helpful just to get this out, so thank you so much for just letting me vent.

Work on that.
Really.

You need to improve your self-confidence. It's wonderful to want to be with someone but you should never feel you need to be with someone. That need to be with someone easily becomes a need to be with anyone.
I've known a few woman like that and they more often than not end up in several miserable relationships, one after the other, and are whiny and clingy (and make lousy friends too, lol).
You have self-worth. You are a wonderful person. You don't need a man to define you. Remember that and believe it!

Good Luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have to cut them loose and join a new circle of friends. That would just be too much for me to stay in.

I am sorry you are hurting. I think I would be TNT pissed off.

If you are working on yourself, you will get to the place where you need to be.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm so sorry to hear this for you.

I think you need to realize that you have had two relationships die because of what has happened with your friend and ex. Should you decide to carrry on some kind of relationship with your friend and the ex in the future it will be different. You have to build a different kind of friendship.

Give yourself time to grieve and give yourself time to be mad as hell. I assure you that they would hear me and exactly what I thought about the entire mess. Most of all give yourself time to heal. People are saying leave your church and leave your circle of friends but that certainly isn't easy to do. It's difficult to find where you are comfortable and where you feel safe.

Take sometime to find who you are and learn to love the woman you have become or will become. Did your finacee not like certain movies or foods that you love? Think how you can indulge now. You don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions or feelings for now. Do whatever you want, however you want and don't worry for a minute about their feelings.

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and in your own comfortable. That is not easy for anyone but it's one of the most worthwhile things you can ever do for yourself.

 

[arminnie]

i know this will sound harsh, but you need to suck it up and move on.

So true. Not at all fun - but what if he'd stayed while in love with someone else.?

Thanks, everyone.

I guess this really is something I need to just move on from rather than something I can fix. I'm just terrified of being alone and feel like my whole life is off track now. I don't want to give a guy that kind of power over me, so I'm working on it but it's hard.

Maybe you need to be alone. It is not the worst thing on the face of the earth.

I am older - I've seen countless friends go through this. Not fun at all - but they are now with wonderful men - light years better than the jerks that dumped them.

Think about this - aren't there some really great men (on paper) that you are just not attracted to? I have a man pursuing me right now that is just perfect on paper. Intelligent, interesting, financially secure, etc. etc. - but I am just not interedted. He's still a great person even if he is not the love of my life.

 

[airhead]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

This may not be the advice you want to hear, but I think you need to look for a new church and make a new circle of friends. Without getting into the religious side of things on these boards, the whole idea of a group of friends who are close through church should include some accountabliity among the group. I find it hard to believe that nobody in the group picked up on what was going on, or that there was no secret keeping from you at some point either before or after the break up. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Also, you say you are both young. To rollercoaster from asking you to marry him to breaking up in two months shows an incredible lack of maturity on your ex's part. It implies he did the asking while he had doubts. Perhaps he was caught up in the idea of marriage, perhaps he felt pressure from you or the group to make things official, or perhaps he's just not as nice as you think he is.

Whatever the reason, he has acted like a child, changing his mind about what flavor of ice cream he wants, not like a mature man ready to make a lifetime commitment. I don't think you need to spend a lot of angst on what is wrong with you.

And while I'm on that particular soapbox, your "best friend" is just trying to make herself feel better here. A good person who realizes that she has feelings for someone else's fiance removes herself from the situation, period. She doesn't steal the fiance and then hope an apology makes everything all better. Maybe she is sorry that you got hurt while she was getting exactly what she wanted, but that didn't stop her from taking it.

So, I agree with others that you need to move on. From the situation, from this group, if you're young enough to pick up and go, then maybe even from wherever you live. Give yourself a fresh start and a chance to heal and grow into whatever good things life has in store for you.

I agree with this poster. Gotta move on from this group. In time,I bet you'll see your ex in a whole new light and realize the breakup was the best thing that ever happened.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, you are being too kind.

You got screwed. By the 2 people in the world who weren't supposed to screw you!

Your BF feels terrible? Bullcrap! If she was so wonderful and perfect, she wouldn't have gone after your man. She's trying to justify her horrible horrific behavior and there is no justification. And newsflash...if you had said you didn't want her to go out with ex-F, believe me, she would still have gone out with him. She's a religious person and you go to the same church and blah, blah, blah....telll her I said that when you do stuff like thism God gets you and it ain't always pretty.

Ex-F...well, good riddance to bad rubbish! Thank God he showed his true colors before you had invested anymore into the relationship....much easier to walk away from an engagement than a marriage, especiallly when there are children involved.

What did these 2 do for you? They showed you the bad side of human nature. You learned a lesson...people aren'ty always what they seem. These fine churchgoing folks are really quite lacking in the miorals department...something they'll have to work out between them and their God. I'd also look carefully at my whole circle of church friends...did they know this was happening? Do they condone it?

You say you are young and that is great because you have all kinds of time toreinvent your life and show these folks how a woman handles these things. The best reveng is living well. Let their relationship, born out of sneakiness and stealth, die the death it will die. They can't be trusted. They KNOW that each can't be trusted. They will each spend the lion's share of their relationship looking over their shoulders at each other, just waiting for one of them to find someone else and do to each other what they did to you. You have no need to absolve them from anything, you have no need to forgive them for anything. You have the need to pretend they no longer exist. The people you thought you knew don't exist, so don't worry about them. Be civil if you see them, but don't for one minute give either one the satisfaction of thinking that their bad behavior has in any way ruined your life. The two of them deserve each other.

You, on the other hand, need to go out and live! Because I assure you that the right person is out there for you, and you will find him, while ex-F & former BF will be stuck with each other...at least until they both decide the grass is greener elsewhere again.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think the only thing I can say is that you have to give yourself time, take it day by day right now. I would distance yourself from this friend for now because seeing her will only make everything harder. In time you might be able to slowly bring her back into your life, but it will never be the same as before. Maybe you can take this time to focus on friendship with others that are in the circle of friends that you are in.

I just had to end a 10 year friendship with a friend of mine and it really hurts. We didn't want it to end, but we felt we didn't really have a choice (very long story) right now. I know it will take time to move on and it will for you as well.

You said you were involved with a church, maybe you can talk to your pastor and he may be able to offer you some advice on how to deal with this.

I agree with this. Be kind to yourself right now- you feel like 2 people very close to you have betrayed you and you need time to work through it.

 

[clarabelle]

I think you should try to find something to do just for you.
Run a race, become active in a charity, build something,- do something that gets you busy and away from these two for awhile
Something you can be proud of and that will give you a sense of accomplishment.
I also agree that it is your friends problem if she has to make a choice or feels awkward -not your problem.
She made her choices and now she has to live with the results. I wouldn't worry about trying to smooth things over for her.

 

[minkydog]

They are both wonderful, kind hearted people and I don't want to lose my closest circle of friends, but I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart will never heal seeing them together so often and knowing that he chose her over me. I feel like my whole life has been shattered- I don't have a Fiance anymore and I'm feeling like I've lost my best friend too.

Um, no they're not. Wonderful, kind hearted people don't date your significant other less than a month after the break-up. It has to be very hard to stand by and watch this unfold. I would frankly have a VERY difficult time being supportive of their relationship. Not only have you lost the love of your life, but you're best friend has betrayed you! And I don't care how many times she protests otherwise, she has chosen HIM over YOU.

Ah well, water over the bridge now. Time to start rebuilding your life without your BFF and your SO. I say they deserve each other. Maybe this will be a great match for them, who knows? But that doesn't mean you have to pretend to be happy about it.

 

[vettechick99]

I'm so sorry. It really sucks! But I would bet my household that they were seeing each other before you broke up with FI. They waited til the dust settled and are now coming out to ask for your blessing. How sweet.

You are going to hurt terribly. But the best thing you can do is move on from both of them.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I'm so sorry. I admire how you are handling the situation. You don't need either of those people! I agree with minky, they probably had this planned out.

Go out and meet new people, you're too good of a person to be shot down by them.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

You are way to kind about them, and you have most certainly handled yourself with grace. With that said, I would most definitely distance myself from them. She is not a good friend, because a true friend just wouldn't do that, in my opinion anyway.

As hard as it may seem, be thankful that this happened now instead of happening a few years down the road when children could be involved. It would be much harder.

Most importantly, I am firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I think just about every one of us go through some kind of breakup that just tares us apart, breaks our heart, makes us cry and question ourselves, but believe it or not, it's experiences like this that build character and makes us a stronger person. You will be fine. Like someone else said, suck this up, and move on with grace. You WILL be fine.

 

[bevgray]

People are so funny sometimes. For all the "romance" fans out there and the "soul mates", "one true loves" that we, as women, seem to feel entitled to experience, everyone immediately assumes that the best friend and fiancee are selfish skunks. It may well be that they are passionately in love and did their best not to hurt the OP but "do the right thing" and carry through with the wedding.

OP, of course you are hurt. But, you said that these were two kind and caring people. I don't think it has anything to do with "what's wrong with you" at all as to why "he likes her better". Of course, it's natural to wonder but love just doesn't work that way.

I went through this myself. Thankfully, it was before we were married so, other than a bit of bruising to my pride, no damage was done. I had to dig deep to see it from their side (not easy as it usually is all about me). It almost killed both of them to tell me. They fought against it for fear of hurting me but they were deeply, passionately in love and realized that pretending otherwise would have made three people miserable. Sometimes love requires the courage to throw yourself into it, regardless of timing and other people. My friend and former fiancee have just celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary. I am God-Mother to their oldest daughter. As for me, I found my soul mate many years later and I thank heaven that I was free for him instead of tied up in a marriage with someone who is still a good friend but who never made the blood sing in my veins the way my true mate does.

The hurt will ease over time but, before you decide to cancel a caring friendship, you need to decide if it is just your pride that has been damaged or if it is something deeper. Try to give yourself time to heal from the hurt but don't burn any bridges. You may discover that your love for these two people will continue as your former fiancee shifts into more of a big brother role. That happened for me and, instead of one dearest friend, I have had two over the years to share happy and sad times.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am very sorry.

She isn't your friend though. A friend isn't going to have feelings for your boyfriend and I wouldn't dount something was going on before he ended things with you. She choose him over your friendship before she even talked to you.
I say get far away from the two of them find a new circle of friends!!!

 

[Cee]

Watch this....you might be able to relate to it and it may bring you some comfort.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwgY5qIUtR0&feature=related

 

[Shmily1]

I'm sorry you're going through this. The most important thing I can tell you is this isn't caused by something being wrong with you. Don't take this as you did something wrong, but they did. They are the "damaged" materials and you are not. In the end, you will be better without them even though it doesn't feel like it right now. A friend that would do that to you is no friend that you need. Use your other close friends to lean on and if they are really friends, they will also see how backstabbing those two have been.

As for the BFF asking for your permission, that's not what she's doing.... she's guilty and knew she was about to be caught so she was preparing the landing for her fall. BFFs don't do that. She's no BFF you need. You are too good for that.

 

[wilderness01]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

This may not be the advice you want to hear, but I think you need to look for a new church and make a new circle of friends. Without getting into the religious side of things on these boards, the whole idea of a group of friends who are close through church should include some accountabliity among the group. I find it hard to believe that nobody in the group picked up on what was going on, or that there was no secret keeping from you at some point either before or after the break up. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Also, you say you are both young. To rollercoaster from asking you to marry him to breaking up in two months shows an incredible lack of maturity on your ex's part. It implies he did the asking while he had doubts. Perhaps he was caught up in the idea of marriage, perhaps he felt pressure from you or the group to make things official, or perhaps he's just not as nice as you think he is.

Whatever the reason, he has acted like a child, changing his mind about what flavor of ice cream he wants, not like a mature man ready to make a lifetime commitment. I don't think you need to spend a lot of angst on what is wrong with you.

And while I'm on that particular soapbox, your "best friend" is just trying to make herself feel better here. A good person who realizes that she has feelings for someone else's fiance removes herself from the situation, period. She doesn't steal the fiance and then hope an apology makes everything all better. Maybe she is sorry that you got hurt while she was getting exactly what she wanted, but that didn't stop her from taking it.

So, I agree with others that you need to move on. From the situation, from this group, if you're young enough to pick up and go, then maybe even from wherever you live. Give yourself a fresh start and a chance to heal and grow into whatever good things life has in store for you.

Spot on and very nicely put.

You will be ok OP, hang in there.

 

[MamaJessie]

People are so funny sometimes. For all the "romance" fans out there and the "soul mates", "one true loves" that we, as women, seem to feel entitled to experience, everyone immediately assumes that the best friend and fiancee are selfish skunks. It may well be that they are passionately in love and did their best not to hurt the OP but "do the right thing" and carry through with the wedding.

Exactly.

I am sorry you have a broken heart, but you are a wonderful person for not hating them.