Feeling very down about autism today

[Nik's Mom]

Hi all,
I have 2 high functioning autistic sons ( 9 and 6 years old ). We moved from California to Kansas 4 weeks ago because dh's job offered him a job transfer. We did a lot of research, made many trips here, visited schools, etc. After all of the research, we believed that it was best for our family to make the move. The school district is much better, I would be able to stay home with the kids, it is a more peaceful environment here in Kansas. Well, ds 6 is not doing well with the move. He has MAJOR meltdowns when we try to take him to school. He refuses to go in the school at all now. We've decided to pull him out for the rest of the year (it's only summer school at this point).

Ds 6 is very nervous and seems to be frightened of everything. He used to love swimming, but now we can't even get him to do that. On the other hand, ds 9 is doing fantastic. He has even started to hold conversations with us. He says he loves it here. In contrast, ds 6 says that he wants to go home several times a day. Today he even asked to go to the airport.

I'm feeling pretty blue now. What have I done to our son? I don't even recognize the same little boy, who was so happy and such a "go getter" before the move. Just the week before we moved, he climbed on stage with 4 kindergarten classes and sang in front of about 100 people. Now, we can't even get him to go into Home Depot without a meltdown.

I just don't know what to do. Today, the autism specialist at the school recommended that we consider enrolling him in their autism program next fall. I just don't think that is the answer. Before the move to Kansas, his teachers said he will do fine in a mainstreamed class. He never had behavior problems until now. Now he is scared of everything.

What can I do to help my son? My Mother is coming to spend the summer with us. She lived with us in California, so I'm hoping that will help my son. I just feel so bad because he ruins our other son's good time. My 9 year old wants to go to the pool today and I can't take him because my 6 year old won't go.

Today, I really HATE autism!

 

[Aunt Flancy]

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Have you found a new doctor yet? Maybe they can get some therapy started so that things can get calmed down and into a routine before school starts again. I know it has to be awful.

 

[bookwormde]

First try and relax these thing take time. I would stay close with the 6yo and try to spend as much 1 on 1 time with him as you can. Moving is stressful on neurotypicals and for spectrum children it can initially be stressful. This is the perfect time to do it since you have the summer to get him acclimated.

Take everything slow like every social experience is brand new to him. Start with his room and take the time to get it as familiar as possible compared with his old room. If you are 4 weeks past move you have probably not settled into the same type of routines that you had before the move. He has a new visual template to learn as you navigate around his new surroundings. You are lucky that your 9 year old has adapted so quickly.

Since you have 2 aspies I am sure you are good at picking up their anxiety levels so just use that as your clue as to when to introduce a new experience.

Do not let the school push him into a special class if he can be comfortable in a mainstream class even if it takes a paraprofessional to accomplish this.

It is great that your mother is coming to help this will allow your older son to get the activities that he wants while you take it slow with your younger child.

It sound like in the long run that this will be a better situation for you and your family since you will have the extra time to get all the extra supports and activities that are needed for your children and have some time for yourself so you do not burn out.

This will take time, some issues may take a year but it will happen.

bookwormde

 

[mistymouse5001]

Maybe find something new,or Chuck E. Cheese might help!
http://www.travelks.com/s/VisitorGuideE.cfm Maybe find some places just driving around. Just you and him. Let him pick a place to stop and discover .It's hard on any little guy to make a big move mom! Just hang in there, consitentcy will get the job done. You are a wonderful mother no doubt you just gotta find what makes him tick in this new place.

 

[KirstenB]

I'm so sorry. I'm going to focus on the pool issue, because it's near and dear to my heart too. I'm thinking small steps. How about getting one of those inflatable pools at Walmart for your yard? They're about 12' diameter, and vary from 24-36" high. At least your older son could swim in it. Maybe over time, you could get the 6 yr old in there. Then see if you can move forward to going to the neighborhood pool.

We have a "normal" 10 yr old dd, and her younger sister is almost 3, and she's the one on teh spectrum. It's like a constant effort to make sure they're both being treated fairly, and have their needs met.

By the way, I know you're focused on them, but hugs to you too. Moving is hard on everyone.

 

[pilgrimr]

I am sorry that you are down about the move. I always stress about my ds going to summer school (different school, teacher, and bus driver) and how will he do. He was actually suppose to go to a new school (we decided to hold him back). But his inhome trainer suggested that we take him a week before school started with a video camera and introduce him to the school and teachers when it is quiet and record it. Then at home show it to him over and over so it is not a new environment. This might prepare your son for the next school year.

 

[ireland_nicole]

it will get better
Nicole

 

[Val]

I am hoping my post will up your spirits.....years ago I was the research director for an ABA autism program (I am now back to doing basic research because of my own special needs DD10- with hearing loss). It was an integrated preschool program for typical and autism spectrum kids. We had a parents group for each, and often brought the two groups together. At one group meeting I remember one mom of a kid with autism describe the meltdown/transition problems at the mall- her kid only lasted about 45 minutes before melting down. The "typical" kid moms were incredulous- 45 min! Yes, the poor mom of AK said sadly, horribly disappointed with her parenting skills. Wow! the "typical" kid parents were amazed- THEIR kids only lasted for 20-30 minutes!

What is my point? This may not really be about autism, but about different kids adjusting to a BIG move! I am sure that you and your husband deal with the move differently....each of you processes the new changes in a different way. I am guessing that one of you deals better than the other, and one needs more "help" to stay organized through all of this (and I am guessing it is NOT you!)......So too with your sons. The behavior you are describing isn't that different from what many parents of 'typical' kids experience when transitioning halfway across the US. Remember starting a new school late in the year? Not knowing the routine at the new pool (or worse yet, not knowing where the bathroom and locker rooms were!).... Hang in there, and remember, while this is absolutely AWFUL for you, in many ways it is within normal limits. My DD10 with hearing loss is easy going- of course, she can't hear, so new noises don't bother her! My DD20 was/is easy going, but my DD16 is an absolute freak out control freak and wigs out because I was being nice and put her shirts away-in the wrong drawer (last time I help her with laundry!!!!). My DS12 has a really, really tough time transitioning to anything new- and his only label is "snotty backtalker due to almost teenager syndrome".

Good luck and God bless. This IS a stage, and it too shall pass. I like the suggestions from others about small steps. Take each day slowly and remember what little steps you have made- little steps turn into big steps and soon your problem with be transitioning home from school and getting DS OUT of the pool!

 

[Nik's Mom]

Thank you all so much! It is comforting to hear from people who understand. I'm so worried about ds 6. Luckily, I am not working anymore, so I spend all day with the kids. We just finished setting up their bedroom yesterday, so maybe that will help. We even bought a trampoline because he loves the one at my in-laws back in California.

I just needed to vent and cry on someone's shoulders. Thanks for listening. We will definitely take baby steps to get ds adjusted. I really believe that Kansas is a much better environment for our family in the long run.

Thanks for listening!

 

[ecki]

My DD 6 is PDD-NOS. We switched schools at the beginning of the school year (from a private Montessori to the public school). She did not do well with the switch. She cried all the time, refused to do work, had meltdowns that lasted 10 - 15 minutes over every little thing. After a month of this, we ended up putting her on Prozac to ease her anxiety. It's really made a huge difference and within a month she was down to maybe one short meltdown a week. Not saying meds is always the answer, but it's something to think about. Sometimes I think that autism intensifies the anxiety.

 

[mechurchlady]

When I am overly stressed out I shut down. I loved a sweepstakes site and worked for them at one time but I shut down and have not been back to my friends and home. I did that with other sites, places and things in life. For me I cannot handle the loss of a friend at a site or too often the overwhelming friendship and love at that site. I am supposed to be playing a horse sim and was off for a month nearly with just maintenance being done instead of playing the game.

Some people shut down and avoid those things they love most so they can avoid the stress of those things. Your 6 year old is very traumatized by the move and he may never go back to swimming so you have to find new comfortable things for him to do. Being aspie makes this trauma even harder for him. It will take longer but give him time and make sure he is finding something even if it is new. I went from genealogy to pin trading to sweepstaking to online sims like ToonTown and VMK. All have some form of collecting/data gathering/merchanting involved.

It is upseting to have a kid homesick but the move will be better in the long run and Kansas is a really nice place I have heard. Big hugs

 

[dclfun]

First of all, many hugs and support being sent your way. It's hard to be a parent, try to make the best decisions we can for our family, and then have to question our choices and worry that we've somehow damaged our family. I had issues with my four kids when we moved from La. to Florida many years ago. My youngest was 8, oldest going into high school. My children aren't disabled but shared similar fears and difficulties giving up the familiar which I'm sure is extremely intensified by someone with autism. Familiar= safe- and they don't know what's best for them in the long run because a child can't think ahead. Anyway, similar to your circumstance we made the move for all the right reasons yet it was really tough- tears, meltdowns, poor school adjustment for awhile, trouble making new good friends. Time heals as does your loving patience and understanding. You did the right thing....have faith in yourself and your love for your children that will eventually help your youngest adjust. In the meantime is there anything from "home" that would make him feel better- a video or call from an old teacher, a familiar household item or routine? ---Kathy

 

[LuvsTinker]

Offering (((Hugs)))

I know the feeling of hating Autism some days

 

[Nik's Mom]

Thanks, all. Ds seems better since I pulled him from summer school. Today, he and I even went shopping at Macy's! We stayed for about 20 minutes and as soon as he got a little nervous, I took him out. I make sure that he comes with me every day to take and pick up his brother from school. I want him to see that it is a safe, happy place to be.

My Mom is flying in on Sunday to spend the summer with us. Since she lived with us before, I am hopefull that this will help ds.

Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts!

 

[Schmeck]

I'm glad to hear things are getting better already! I think you're a great mom and very in tune with your sons. I like how you let each child have his needs met, even when they have different needs.

I've got a general question - the OP states that her sons are high functioning autistic, and yet two posters called them aspies - isn't there a clinical difference between an Asperger's diagnosis and an Autism diagnosis? Or does high functioning = Asperger's?

 

[Nik's Mom]

Hi Schmeck,

Yes, there is a difference. My sons are high functioning autistic. They were classified as high functioning because they speak (although my sons both are delayed compared to their age group). In California, and I imagine across the Country, there is an autism scale when the child is being diagnosed. In the case of Aspies, they usually have no speach delay. With Autistic children, there is a speach delay. Either way, high functioning, lower functioning, Aspies, etc. They are all on the Autistic spectrum.

 

[bookwormde]

Schmeck,

Nick’s Mom’s definition is correct except that Aspergers is the clinical counterpart to HFA. Aspie is a non-clinical term, which covers a much broader set of spectrum individuals including clinical Aspergers, HFA and individuals who have only a partial set of the characteristics but include the lack of innate social skills to a significant extent with all having above average cognitive capabilities.

Many clinicians do not see a clear break between Apsergers and HFA since in many cases the speech delay is transitory. This is particularly true when the delay is caused by anxiety or perfectionism.

bookwormde

 

[Schmeck]

So Aspie is not just a 'nickname' for someone having Asperger's syndrome?

 

[bookwormde]

Sorry for going a little OT

Schmeck

No it just provide a “name” which encompasses the broader understanding of the upper end spectrum individual since DSM-IV definitions are considered to be quite antiquated by a lot the progressive clinicians and spectrum individuals at this point. It is defiantly not limited to formally diagnosed Aspergers individuals.

bookwormde

 

[dzorn]

Good luck with the transition I'm sure it will work out in the long run.

Pulling him out for the summer may work out but let me share my friends experience she just told me last week. This is someone that has and son with autism but with other issues also. He was having melt down every day his behavior was so bad the district did not want to deal with it an kept sending the child home (I know not right) so she got fed up and switched districts. The next district refused to send him home. The teacher told him he could yell all he wanted he was not going home. Mom picked him up from school and he was mad the school would not suspend him. At his old school he learned that if he caused trouble he could stay home with mom. As soon as he figured out that was not going to work at his new school he settled down and loves it now. The new school was better trained for his needs.

It will take time for your son to adjust, but if you were working full time before he may just want to be with you because he is insecure in the new enviroment. I would also remind him he will be going back to school in the fall.
I would also see if there are any other kids in his class that he could get to know before the fall. If he is going to be main streamed in the fall how much experience does his teacher have with his disability. I find this can make a big difference.

Hang in there!!!

I'm having one of those days too. The school district is trying to force DD aide to take another assignment and giving DD a new one.

Denise in MI