Feeling sad, empty, old

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Oddly, reading through the love at first sight thread again got me thinking about posting this and I am hoping maybe you wise folks here can help me sort through some stuff...

Found out yesterday that my first serious boyfriend is suffering from early-onset dementia. Apparently it is fairly advanced.

I met this guy in college, when I was 18 and he was 20. After he graduated, I was miserable w/o him and after a couple long serious lonely long distance telephone calls, I dropped out of college to move out west to be with him. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me he had another girlfriend out here; and I was so mad that I moved in with his room mate instead. Fast forward 36 years: my husband (you guessed it -- the room mate) and I have had a good life and 5 really great kids.

my ex bf -- not so much. Despite being absolutely brilliant and doing some very important early work in his field, he never had any kids (yes -- he wanted them), his marriage and subsequent relationships all fell apart, he kind of lost direction and now: this horrible awful unspeakable thing.

Periodically over the years, we'd run into each other every now and then; and politely snarl a little at each other. Now I just feel sad. Devastated really. Part of it, I suspect is the whole "road not traveled" thing. And maybe I'm just feeling my own mortality -- I don't know. Do you think it's possible to be mad at somebody for 30+ years and yet still be heartbroken to hear of a tragedy like this? Partly, I think I'm mad at myself right now for not being more sympathetic during his earlier more mundane troubles...

 

[Saxton]

Aww Sue . I think everything you're feeling is absolutely normal. You had a strong bond with him and even though you drifted apart he had a major impact on your life. Obviously if you hadn't been in a relationship with him you never would have moved out West and met your husband, but beyond that I truly believe that every relationship affects us and leaves an imprint in who we are. All the past relationships make us who we are - I'm not talking about baggage and bad things, I'm talking about the subtle impact on who we become.

And I think most people on this board probably have someone in their past that they think about no matter how great their life is now. I'm completely happy but there's a woman that I think of once in a while and although I still have some anger toward her I really do know that if I heard through the grapevine that something happened to her it would hurt. And I also know that she had a major impact on my life and for that I am thankful.

We are who we are today because of our past, and he's a part of that for you. I'm sorry you're hurting now.

 

[wallyb]

 

[Mitchthecustodian]

Just the fact that you even care enough to mention it, after he hurt you is amazing. You loved him at one time, and to still be able to look past the hurt and feel heartbreak is just...Wow.
Anyhoo cause i couldn't do that.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I'm sorry.

I remember when my dear friend John lost his mom. We had only been out of high school a couple of years. Our parents weren't supposed to die. And after his mom died, other things happened that had never happened before. Things that only happen to GROWN-UPS.

Somehow in the past 20 years I have become a grown-up. My friends have grown-up problems. Divorces, miscarriages, bankruptcies, job losses, all that stuff we never thought about when we were young.

I am turning 40 this year, my son is going to high school. Sometimes I feel something similar to panic because I got old when I wasn't looking. Not that 40 is old, but it is old for some things. And I think about the choices I could have made, but didn't.

A boy who broke my heart is FaceBook friends with another friend of mine. Apparently I am never going to get past that, despite being happily married to DH for the past 17 years.

As we age things will happen that will make us feel old, inadequate, sad. I think that is normal. The thing is, we can't wallow in it. We acknowledge the situation and the feelings that come with it, and we move forward.

 

[jharrowell]

When my nan died, I remember being snappy and distant and generally a pain to be around. Not depressed, angry.

I took a while to work through it but bottom line was that I was angry at my nan for dying. She didn't warn me, she didn't stay, so I was angry. Not exactly the reaction you'd expect.

So you see it's perfectly normal to have totally conflicting feelings in situations like this...

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

 

[Peepster]

People in our lives that were important to us become a part of us. So (do ya think I've lived with a psychologist toooooo long???) when we lose those people permanently, whether through death or dementia, a little part of us dies too and it's only natural to question what we could have done differently in that relationship...and most certainly our own mortality.

What I'm trying to say in human-ese is: honey, I'm sending hugs, too.

Auntie Peep

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

Do you think it's possible to be mad at somebody for 30+ years and yet still be heartbroken to hear of a tragedy like this?

Absolutely my love!

to you!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

You guys are just the best. to everybody Words do not express my gratitude to you all for letting me share a very private hurt that I didn't feel free to discuss with those in my non-virtual life.

I talked things over with my husband (carefully, carefully, carefully -- no need for all the details) and what we are going to do is: hunt up as many old pictures from days gone by, scan them, and send them to this fella's care-giver who is building him a memory book.

It's not much but it's something. If there is anything that I may have learned from this, it is to say the things that need saying and do the things that need doing before it's too late...

Thank you again, Dear Friends.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

say the things that need saying and do the things that need doing before it's too late...

These words are the truest ones that anyone, anywhere will ever write.

 

[Mathfailure]

I just read this, been trying to fix our virus infected computer, and needed to say that you are so human and real it is touching.

I can imagine the gentle way you needed to approach your husband, and totally understand the pull of a long ago hurt that still has power.

A not totally the same but a powerful read is the short story by James Joyce called "The Dead". Deals with a wife facing the death of a long ago beau. If I recall it will not really fit, but the emotions are the same. When a bit of time has past you might find it a healing read.

Also, as we are about the same age, the facing our own mortality is becoming 'realer' with the passing of our contemporaries.

I know you will find the peace you seek with these generous actions.

Kathleen

 

[rosiep]

Sue...

Just got back and wanted to let you know ASAP that I'm thinking of you.

The older I get the more I think about how much so many people have touch my life. Some of them quietly slipped away without fanfare, some were suddenly gone with a loud BOOM!

I hold them all..the new friends and the old, the lost loves and the ones who remain....in my heart because I know life is precious...and I dare not take any of it..nor anyone...for granted.

Bless you my friend for having a heart just like mine.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Thank you so much Kathleen and Rosie. Your kind words mean so much. Once, we had a plan in place to do something at least somewhat helpful, I was doing a lot better.