Feeling Horrible: Just found out how much in Debt we REALLY are...

[Pirate Mamma]

I feel like I have no where to turn for support (except for my husband)! I just have this big rock in my stomach...

We did some re-financing before the bubble burst and payed off alot of credit card debt, and I thought we were making progress on what was left over. My husband pays most of the bills (I make about half of what he does) and I pay for child care and health insurance. Anyways apparently we are far outspending what we are taking in and our credit card debt has risen again, higher than it was before the re-fi. I had no idea! I've offered to help with the actual paying of the bills, but that would be a bigger hassle he says...

I just need some words of encouragement and advice - we can't tell our family and friends so I though perhaps some fellow Disney lovers would have some good insight. We're going to work out a budget tonight, cut way back on eating out and shopping (cash only, and on a strict budget), but I am just so worried! Sigh.

 

[budafam]

My biggest advice to you is don't eat out. Cut it out completely. Make a meal plan for every night and stick to it. Even without cutting coupons, this will help you tons!!! Sell some stuff if you have a lot... either have a garage sale or sell lit on Craigslist. Put everything you make towards your debt. Do you have any rewards with your credit cards? If so, cash them in and use them to pay off your debt. Every little bit helps. The hardest thing is sticking to it. Good luck!

 

[worm761]

It happens. At least now you know about and are on the road to fixing it. We got a little out of hand with the credit cards too. So, I put them in the safe. We can't get to them when we are out making impulse purchases. If we put something on a card, it is a conscious decision to do so. Good luck paying it off! Maybe suggest putting the cards away, either in a safe or in blocks of ice in the freezer so you can't use them and are forced to live within your means. Then suggest maybe you pay one or two of the payments only. That would take it off of him and put it on you. You can work on paying those off and then move on to another.

 

[NYCDiane]

Eliminate eating out --- it's too expensive and for the same money, you could probably make 3 or 4 days worth of meals at home

Re-think your job. Calculate what you bring home versus what you pay in child care, gas, lunches, clothing/dry cleaning, etc. Sometimes it's cheaper to stay home than to work outside the home.

Use coupons (check out the coupon train threads)

Re-think all of your spending and your necessities. What extra stuff can you cut out? Can you buy clothing off season or off the clearance racks or at thrift shops?? I've gotten brand new things (with tags) at the thrift shop for probably 5% of what they would cost at the store.

I know how hard it is..... I'm going through almost the same thing you're going through. I hate being in debt but there just never seems to be a way out. I'll make a huge dent in the credit card debt and feel like I'm on the road to being debt free and then, of course, something comes up and it destroys everything. I've tried Dave Ramsey and that method, while a great one, just didn't work for us.

Hang in there. Things have to get better!

 

[KennesawNemo]

First of all,I would suggest you understand how you accumulated the debt. Is it because you over-spent as a family or is it because your husband over-spent? Or is it because your husband was not paying the bill on time as he was supposed too? If that's the case, where did his money go?

Second, I suggest you check you CC card statment at least weekly. Use one CC card between you and your husband only or put most of your expense on that card. In that way you know better about what's going on and it's easier for you to track your spending and know when to stop.

I am not saying your husband has been doing anything bad or wrong. But if he is the one who was supposed to take care of the CC and there is this big debt, he hasn't been taking good care of it. You need to get more involved and share the responsibility.

 

[beansmom]

big hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel. We are almost $50k in for cc alone not counting car payment, mortgage, monthly living expenses. We're working on paying it off but it's not fun.

Eating out is the first thing we cut out...then I had to stop shopping. We have everything we need right now and no matter how much junk i buy, there will always be some new bauble that catches my eye.

I am sure you will get lots of good advice here...I just wanted to let you know yer not alone and it's not hopeless.

 

[indimom]

First, Don't Panic.

Obviously you are taking steps in the right direction as far as creating a budget, etc. And no one likes to hear this, BUT, the more drastic your cuts the sooner you will be back on track and have the ability to spend "fun money" again. Eliminating things like cable/satelite, eating out, etc. will free up a lot of cash in most families.

If credit card debt is the primary problem, the first thing I would do is "freeze" the credit card (either literally or figuratively). Don't touch it or use it for anything. Stick with cash for purchases.

My husband and I cut up our credit cards up back in 2001 or 2002. We did without them for five years or so before slowly allowing ourselves to use them again (with extreme supervision) because we just didn't trust ourselves to avoid the impulse buying.

My sister literally froze hers in a block of ice inside a rubbermaid tub. It was there if a real emergency arose, but they couldn't just decide to go out to eat or see a movie on credit.

Also, in the future, you need to have a weekly sit down to go over the income/outgo. You should both be fully aware of what's going on within your family budget.
Communication is Key!

 

[cvjw]

Set up your credit cards online. Check them everyday. You will know exactly where your money goes. I would never let my husband pay the bills without being involved - you both are liable for the bills, you should know where every penny that you both spend goes to.

 

[hopemax]

The biggest thing is just for both of you to be honest and mindful of where the money is going, and to be committed to doing something about it.

The posts where there is trouble is when one spouse is unwilling to change behavior because "they deserve what they have" or puts their head in the sand and decides that budgets are just too complicated.

If the stress is too much for you, you might want to re-consider your "sacred cows," at least for a short period of time. For example, giving up cable tv for 6 months might be . But that can be a lot of money redirected toward debt repayment and get you off to a "running start" and relieve some of the stress.

Also, maybe you can work with your DH to make some "sub-budgets." If he's got the master budget, you can ask what the monthly food budget is. But then if you do the shopping, you can keep your own tally of how much you've used up and then you will know if that section is getting out of hand earlier in the month. Same for things like "kids expenses" or whatever the categories of things are where you do most of the buying.

 

[Tistal]

My first suggestion is to open up and have regular/often occuring conversations with your DH about your finances. If you're just now finding out about the issues with your credit cards you haven't been talking enough. Even though he's paying most of the bills you still need to know what's going on; it's your debt too.

 

[Kay1]

I like NYSDiane's thought about making sure it's not costing you money to have your job, especially if you could earn more by providing child care in your home.

Good luck with your budget.

 

[Karenj2]

I feel like I have no where to turn for support (except for my husband)! I just have this big rock in my stomach...

We did some re-financing before the bubble burst and payed off alot of credit card debt, and I thought we were making progress on what was left over. My husband pays most of the bills (I make about half of what he does) and I pay for child care and health insurance. Anyways apparently we are far outspending what we are taking in and our credit card debt has risen again, higher than it was before the re-fi. I had no idea! I've offered to help with the actual paying of the bills, but that would be a bigger hassle he says...

I just need some words of encouragement and advice - we can't tell our family and friends so I though perhaps some fellow Disney lovers would have some good insight. We're going to work out a budget tonight, cut way back on eating out and shopping (cash only, and on a strict budget), but I am just so worried! Sigh.

First of all - HUGS!! It's really tough to be in debt. Coming here is a great place to get advice, so please take what people say as the nice kick in the but you might need...

IMHO - by doing a re-fi to pay off the debt, you (as a family) didn't give yourself the opportunity to really see the debt and how it accumulated... That's why you're in debt again. I recently took a Dave Ramsey course (Financial Peace University -talked about a lot on here) and he's pretty hard core that you're going to have to make some changes/sacrifices to get out of the debt. (I HIGHLY recommend taking that course - it costs $$, but you might be able to get into the class on a reduced fee. I know our church offers that for those that need it.)

Even if your husband actually pays the bills, it doesn't mean that you both can't work on the budget together. My DH pays the bills, but I keep track of all our spending/income in a budget program (I use YNAB - www.youneedabudget.com). That way we're on the same page about our spending habits.

 

[rer1972]

First off, cut up your credit cards (don't freeze them as others are saying, the temptation to use them when an emergency comes up is to large) and when they send you more cut those up too (cause they will send you more).
Second, stop using any credit cards (they are just plain evil).
Second, you need to dump as many expenses as you can (ie. basic cable instead of all the movie channels, raise the a/c temp & lower the heat temp, stop eating out at all, don't buy anything unless you need it to survive).
Third, no more vacations (staycations are ok).
Fourth, find anything that you can sell to make some money and pay off as much as you can.

I know some people can't stand Dave Ramsey, but we had debt before and following the plans he lays out works. It makes you realize you can live on much, and help you get your finances under control.

Just saying IMHO.

Good luck, I really do wish you the best. I know how it feels to be under (literally) debt.

 

[Glenn]

What happened to you is not uncommon. So now what to do. I would suggest looking at your credit card statements for a yr or more to see where you are spending. What are things you need (gas) to extras (eating out). Look at thoughs extras to cut down or out. If you eat out a lot cut most of that. Its one thing to get a pizza a couple of times a month but not dinner 4X a week. Look at utilities, is the AC at 68, all lights blazing. Basically look at where the money has been going inorder to figure out where you can save. Good luck & let us know what kind of spending youve found.

 

[okeydokey]

I agree with the others about no vacations with that much credit card debt. I never understood how people who owe thousands on credit cards continue going to Disney or eating out.

If you don't want to cut up your cards, do not carry them. Just carry cash.

Also, you say you don't want to tell family and friends, but maybe if you do you will not be so tempted to spend. If they understand you are climbing out of debt, you could use their support.

Good luck, you can do it.

 

[Tink-aholic]

First thing I would do is research Dave Ramsey or Clark Howard. DR is great, but is very religious, so if that is not your thing, it might turn you off. Look them both up online and rent their books from the library. You may not realize it, but you are in crisis mode. You have traded secured debt (in your home) for unsecured debt (consumer credit card debt). Think about this: if you stopped paying your credit cards tomorrow, the creditors would be angry, there would be lots of calls and maybe a court case and even a judgement -- but you would never lose your home over it.

I agree with almost everything everyone else has said, make a budget (look to Dave or Clark to show you how), account for everything you spend, sell everything you don't NEED. The only thing I disagree with is potentially quitting your job...if you have too much debt, it means you need MORE money coming in, not LESS. Time to get second and third jobs, even. Lots of people do it, and it doesn't have to be full time. Try pet sitting for people in your neighborhood or working weekends making pizza.

There are also websites out there that can help you. I belong to www.LivingLikeNoOneElse.com, but there are lots out there. You can post your budget, get encouragement, recipes, even hear others' stories for inspiration. You can get out of debt.

Good luck.

 

[NotUrsula]

If the OP pays for the health insurance it is likely that her job provides the health insurance, in which case quitting is likely to cost quite a bit more than staying home.

OP, insist on seeing those CC statements! Not because your DH is hiding something, but because looking at them regularly tells you WHERE your money is actually going. If it is going to things that are impulse buys, then you know that discipline is the problem. If it is going to non-necessity things that are too expensive for you to otherwise afford, then your tastes need to change to match your present realities. If late fees are a problem, then it is time to go to auto-pay.

One of the things that I always advise folks is NEVER to use a CC to pay for groceries. Food is one of the biggest impulse buys that exist, and it is so easy to just toss that extra item (or 2, or 3, or 10) into the cart for a treat, especially if you have cut out restaurants. Budget your groceries in cash and resort to the pantry and freezer when you run out of money before payday; the discipline will swiftly follow.

One thing that is completely painless that will help a little bit with your mortgage is to start splitting the payment and sending in half every two weeks rather than paying the installment monthly. Over time, doing this will make a surprisingly nice dent in the interest.

 

[punkin]

Just because DH pays the bills, doesn't mean you shouldn't know where every penny is going. Both of you need to sit down and write up a real budget together and then stick to it.

Also, stop using the credit cards immediately.

Good luck. Others have posted some really good advice.

One more thing (and I am sorry to mention this since I have no basis other than my own experience so forgive me if I am way off base)...make sure your husband is not siphoning money off to an outside activity you would not approve of (gambling, women, etc.)

 

[MomToOne]

My first suggestion is to open up and have regular/often occuring conversations with your DH about your finances. If you're just now finding out about the issues with your credit cards you haven't been talking enough. Even though he's paying most of the bills you still need to know what's going on; it's your debt too.

How about trying a monthly "finances review meeting" between your husband and yourself? He can still pay the bills and all if that's a control thing for him, but he should review with you what is coming in/going out.

It's not a perfect plan (he could still hide bills from you, etc.), but it's a step in the right direction. And I'm going to assume he's a good guy trying to do the right thing until you say otherwise

 

[bumbershoot]

Even if your husband actually pays the bills, it doesn't mean that you both can't work on the budget together. My DH pays the bills, but I keep track of all our spending/income in a budget program (I use YNAB - www.youneedabudget.com). That way we're on the same page about our spending habits.

Yep!

Though I actually fired DH from taking care of the bills, after he messed up, big time (though not as big as it sounds is happening in your home), twice.

There are also websites out there that can help you. I belong to www.LivingLikeNoOneElse.com, but there are lots out there. You can post your budget, get encouragement, recipes, even hear others' stories for inspiration. You can get out of debt.

Good luck.

I agree. livinglikenooneelse.com is Ramsey's stuff, but regular people are talking about it.

One more thing (and I am sorry to mention this since I have no basis other than my own experience so forgive me if I am way off base)...make sure your husband is not siphoning money off to an outside activity you would not approve of (gambling, women, etc.)

That was my mom's experience with her second husband...she didn't realize until it was all too late.