Father & son not getting along--**UPDATE post 28

[minkydog]

This makes me sad. DH & DS19 are fighting;well, actually DS is actively ignoring his dad. DS19 has not shown a lot of initiative(failed 2 semesters of college, sleeps all day, works part-time) and it drives DH crazy. At the same age DH was in charge of opening the family restaurant, lighting the stoves, letting the workers in all before going to school. Then he'd return to the restaurant after school and work until closing,around 10pm. He left for college as soon as he could, was the only one in his family to graduate, and has literally brought us from the ground floor up. He is an incredibly hard worker.

Three years ago DH was felled by a rare lung disorder. He is partially disabled and takes about 15 meds a day in order to function. He was hospitalized less than a month ago with a complication and has not fully recovered. Between the steroid and his general crappy feeling, DH has been quick to engage lately. Two days ago, they got into a verbal sparring match that started as joking. Apparently, DS decided the joke went too far and got mad. Rather than let it go, DS has "punished" us for 2 days by sulking, pouting, and refusing to talk or eat with us.(I know, how juvenile ) I did get him to open up with me last night, but he refuses to acknowlege his father.

I know that some of this is normal father-son stuff. I get aggravated with DH because every time DS does something like this DH tells him he can leave. It's true, but I don't think it's necessary to say it. I think DS is terribly self-centered and doesn't give his dad a break--for heaven's sake, the man is slowly dying of this disease! He's doing his best to cope with being disabled at a young age, worried about the future, worried about our finances, worried about raising our very handicapped youngest child. DS19 doesn't get all that (I know it's his age; when he's a father i think he'll understand a whole lot of things.)

So we are celebrating Father's Day without DS19. DH decided he didn't want to invite anyone who won't speak to him and would only go for the free meal. I agree,but my heart is broken. These are the two men I love best in the world.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


One thing I have never tolerated from my kids is lack of respect - anger at me - well, that is normal - but lack of respect? never

Maybe it is time your ds be forced to act more like a man and make his own way without his parents' financial support.

I know it took that for my brother to get his act together, and he was already in his 30's. I would hate for anyone else to go through what we did with my brother.

 

[fabumouse]

Sounds like some long-term communication problems that won't get resolved either before DS grows up a little or the two of them figure out how to negotiate their differences a little better. Hope your father's day is still enjoyable - and as sad as you are about the situation, you cannot fix *their* relationship, they have to do that. Good luck!

 

[AC7179]

I'm sorry. This doesn't sound like a great Father's Day for your husband.
Maybe you could try one more time to get your son to apologize for sulking? Since it is Father's Day and all..........

 

[Lynn CC]

My DS is 19 too. I know my DH would be crushed if they didn't have a good relationship, they've always, and still do, a lot together.
Maybe today would be a good day to sit down and have a talk with the both of them, your DS is probably feeling overwhelmed about not doing well in college, and it's not uncommon. Your DH is probably disappointed in him, but maybe you could help them reach a common ground. Then they need to find something they can and enjoy doing together, just the 2 of them, even if it's a game of cards. This way they can enjoy some fun time together and know they will be there for one another to get through all the tough times, your DS's College problems, and your DH's health. If they can both know it's not always going to be easy as long as they are there for one another things will work out. Maybe your DS just hasn't found his subjects he is passionate about in college, what makes him interested and happy? Even if they are not required classes, he may want to take a couple just to get some spark back into learning.
My DS found it last year in college, it's the international classes, anything to do with Japan or China, he can't wait to get to those type of classes and gets A's in them too. Sometimes it's just pouring over the classes and reading descriptions on what sounds interesting. It may take him in a whole new direction, but that's what college is all about!
Good Luck, I wish you the best!

 

[Planogirl]

DS is a grownup now and as such, I think that he should meet certain expectations. One of those would be to respect his parents and all others in fact. Occasional arguments are normal between people who live together but the pouting and silence bothers me.

The two of them may be better off with a bit of space between them right now. Try to enjoy the day and keep in mind that this too shall pass.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

If it's any consolation, my DS is being a butt to us today too. He is just a miserable cuss on holidays for some reason and I don't know why.

 

[BlindTyldak]

This makes me sad. DH & DS19 are fighting;well, actually DS is actively ignoring his dad. DS19 has not shown a lot of initiative(failed 2 semesters of college, sleeps all day, works part-time) and it drives DH crazy. At the same age DH was in charge of opening the family restaurant, lighting the stoves, letting the workers in all before going to school. Then he'd return to the restaurant after school and work until closing,around 10pm. He left for college as soon as he could, was the only one in his family to graduate, and has literally brought us from the ground floor up. He is an incredibly hard worker.

Three years ago DH was felled by a rare lung disorder. He is partially disabled and takes about 15 meds a day in order to function. He was hospitalized less than a month ago with a complication and has not fully recovered. Between the steroid and his general crappy feeling, DH has been quick to engage lately. Two days ago, they got into a verbal sparring match that started as joking. Apparently, DS decided the joke went too far and got mad. Rather than let it go, DS has "punished" us for 2 days by sulking, pouting, and refusing to talk or eat with us.(I know, how juvenile ) I did get him to open up with me last night, but he refuses to acknowlege his father.

I know that some of this is normal father-son stuff. I get aggravated with DH because every time DS does something like this DH tells him he can leave. It's true, but I don't think it's necessary to say it. I think DS is terribly self-centered and doesn't give his dad a break--for heaven's sake, the man is slowly dying of this disease! He's doing his best to cope with being disabled at a young age, worried about the future, worried about our finances, worried about raising our very handicapped youngest child. DS19 doesn't get all that (I know it's his age; when he's a father i think he'll understand a whole lot of things.)

So we are celebrating Father's Day without DS19. DH decided he didn't want to invite anyone who won't speak to him and would only go for the free meal. I agree,but my heart is broken. These are the two men I love best in the world.

You're going to hate me, but I'm probably going to say a lot of things opposite from everyone else and you may not want to hear a lot of it. Sorry in advance.

First off, your son is not your DH. He's 19 and these days kids think that you go to college to horse around for a while and its as easy as high school. Brow-beating him into acting like his dad did at that age is NOT going to help, guilt-tripping him is NOT going to help, etc (and if you say "we're paying for this", I say "if he fails, don't, let him do it until he straightens out"). Your DS is his own person, and he's 19, and he's going to make his own choices. You may not LIKE these choices, but everyone has to learn responsibility on their own, you can't hold up a mirror and say "why can't you act more like this person", it never works and just makes them feel like they are not cared about for being themself. And if you REALLY don't like the choices, then quite frankly, your DH is right, he can move out and see what his choices earn him in the real world. He'll learn DANG quick that it won't fly, he won't be able to support himself, and he'd have to change his ways.

sounds to me like you're doing a lot of finger pointing at a boy who probably looks at his father who won't be around much longer from what you say, and hears his dad put him down quite a bit for not acting like someone else, while he's still figuring out who he is. I'm NOT saying your son is 100% in the right, I'm not even saying he's 40% in the right, but I AM saying that he's not completely in the wrong for hitting the last straw over "stop being what you are and be something else". Add this to Father's Day, a teen that probably thinks "dad's not always going to be here and that hurts, especially this weekend" but doesn't fully grasp "so I should suck it up because this could be the last one" and I say cut him a little more slack. Your son's trying to cope with a new stage in life and an ill father as well.

I'm living proof of fair warning . . . my mother all my life, ever since my little sister was born, wanted me to act more like her. All I ever heard was "you're not good enough the way you are, why can't you be more like her". I'd get mad at my mother, my father would try to intervene and get me to put up with her, I finally had enough of it and now I haven't talked to my mother in years, and only talk to my father around once a year or so. And I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it, nor do I miss them at all. Please, PLEASE don't turn your son into me.

 

[barkley]

i wish my parents had taken a tough stance with one of my brothers-he's 57, purpetualy unemployed and currently endangering my mom's senior housing (she's an enabler and lets him come in and crash rather than sleep in his car). the situation has the rest of us sibs unwilling to visit her (i cut off contact with him because i don't want my kids to see this as an example of how an adult should lead their life).

don't blame the meds totaly for your dh's attitude/mood-from personal experience i can say that after being a very driven student and employee (worked from the time i was 15 in addition to attending ft school/college) having an illness force me into disability retirement at 42 (and no possiblity of ever working again) is very frustrating. i am very apt to show my anger when i observe someone completly capable of being self sustained, having the capacity to better themselves not taking any action to do so. i suspect your husband is also concerned that should you become a single parent, your adult son will be more apt to take advantage of than work with you to help the situation.

hugs to all of you-wish you dh a happy dad's day from all of us.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd be interested to know when it started to happen that parents had to tolerate behavior from their adult children that they wouldn't tolerate from their adult friends.

I've got a newsflash for everyone...the kid is 19. Certainly old enough to go out and try and make his way in the world without leeching off Mom and Dad...quite frankly, with Dad with a chronic debilitating disease, having one less mouth to feed...especially that of a snotty 19 year old who doesn't know or appreciate when he has it good...would probably make Dad's life a lot easier.

I lived in my parents home as a "young adult"...their house, their rules. Their rules weren't all that bad...act your age, be respectful, take some responsibility for your own behavior and support yourself as much as you can. If I had failed to do any one of those, I'd have been out, and should have been.

Sorry, but I think it's pretty nervy of a 19 year old to think his parents owe him anything, to live in their house, mooch off them and give them attitude.

 

[dmslush]

I'd be interested when it started to happen that parents had to otlerate behavior from thier adult children that they wouldn'
t tolerate from their adult friends.

I've got a newsflash for everyone...the kid is 19. Certainly old enough to go out and try and make his way in the world without leeching off Mom and Dad...quite frankly, with Dad with a chronic debilitating disease, having one less mouth to feed...especially that of a snotty 19 year old who doesn't know or appreciate when he has it good...would probably make Dad's life a lot easier.

I lived in my parents home as a "young adult"...their house, their rules. Their rules weren't all that bad...act your age, be respectful, take some responsibility for your own behavior and support yourself as much as you can. If I had failed to do any one of those, I'd have been out, and shouuld have been.

Sorry, but I think it's pretty nervy of a 19 year old to think his parents owe him anything, to live in their house, mooch off them and give them attitude.

I agree with you 100%. OP, while I know it is hard to sit back and watch all of this unfold, that is what you are going to have to do, sit back. Don't jump in the middle of it, try to be as neutral as possible. You are not going to be able to fix it, you will just add fuel to the fire. Just remember, your husband is your first priority. He is sick, you son is a young adult who is ready to learn some responsibility.

 

[Tinker74]

Hi....I don't normally post on this board but I read your post and wanted to reply.

Iam so sorry ypu are having this hard time at the moment..i haven't read all the posts yet but hugs for you.

You must be so stresses coping with your dh illness and now this. I know what teenagers can be like..I have a 13 yr old son..and sometimes it really hurts me if he decides to ignore me or get upset with me because i have to lay down some rules.
I feel like shouting...Don't you know you mean the whole world to me!! Please don't be mad at me!! But I also know that i have to stick to my guns sometimes. Mood swings are part and parcel of being a teenager.

I hope things work out soon for you....You sound like a wonderful wife and mother. The two men in your life are very lucky to have you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

HUGS to you for all you do MOM! It certainly sounds like you are a referee these days. Time to hang up the shirt and let him go.

Is it possible to have him move out? Might be a good solution.

 

[Disneymaddness]

To the OP . I also have a 19yo son with attitude. It is not easy!

 

[rabx5]

this is happening in your family.Sometimes being Mom sucks. It's the most gratifying yet heartbreaking job in the world. I too have a son (age 18) who is not getting along with his dad. They got into a verbal fight and my son moved out. It tears me up to see their relationship suffering over words and it kills me that he is not living at home

I hope our boys open their eyes and see how being pigheaded is just stupid.

Take care,

 

[Tinker74]

I know we all do things differently..and I respect others ways..But Iam a bit surprised that some are sying the son should move out..or start making his own way.
I would never ever ask my son to leave home...My home is his home..for as long as he wants it. I would be there for him no matter what. My kids come first with me every time.
That doesn't mean i let them get away with things...Iam very firm. but no matter what my son did...especially at only 19...he can always call this home.

 

[GraysMom]

i suspect your husband is also concerned that should you become a single parent, your adult son will be more apt to take advantage of than work with you to help the situation.

I was sort of thinking along the sames lines...maybe your son is thinking about having a lot more responsibility in the family if/when something happens to his father. Knowing this situation will probably occur might make DS more likely to slack off now while he still can. At the same time, your DH might be trying to get your son to take on more responsibility both to give you a break and to prepare DS for when DH is no longer around and DS has to/should take on more responsibility with the family. Just another angle to think about. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this situation .
Please let us know how things are going.

GraysMom

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I know we all do things differently..and I respect others ways..But Iam a bit surprised that some are sying the son should move out..or start making his own way.
I would never ever ask my son to leave home...My home is his home..for as long as he wants it. I would be there for him no matter what. My kids come first with me every time.
That doesn't mean i let them get away with things...Iam very firm. but no matter what my son did...especially at only 19...he can always call this home.

I feel the same way -- about my own son. But my son is very different than my brother was at that age. Living at home was miserable with my brother, and his attitude didn't change until he was forced to stand on his own two feet. By that time, he & my father hadn't really been on speaking terms for about 10 years. Even after that, their relationship never fully recovered, and my dad passed away last November. I really believe that if my brother had been forced to face the consequences of his actions at a much younger age, life would have been much better for all of us (less tensions between my parents, a more peaceful home for all of us, and a son/brother who learned to be a man at a much earlier age). Sometimes we're not doing our kids any favors when we don't make them act like the adults that they are. And, no, it is not easy.

 

[dmslush]

I know we all do things differently..and I respect others ways..But Iam a bit surprised that some are sying the son should move out..or start making his own way.
I would never ever ask my son to leave home...My home is his home..for as long as he wants it. I would be there for him no matter what. My kids come first with me every time.
That doesn't mean i let them get away with things...Iam very firm. but no matter what my son did...especially at only 19...he can always call this home.

But, a 19 year old is an adult.. and in this case, it is a 19 year old with a terminally ill parent. And any 19 year old who is pouting as punishment to his terminally ill father needs a boot up his booty and a serious reality check. It is rediculous to put an pouting, sulking adult child before a terminally ill spouse.

 

[Tinker74]

Yes I agree that the boy is in the wrong, But he is only 19 and one day he will feel really bad about this. we are all selfish as teenagers to some drgree...plus this boy is probably stressed himself about the illness of his father and his hurt might be coming out this way.
I think the opening post sounds like she is doing a great job supporting both men in her life. Hopefully her son will come round soon...and her dh will try to stop getting at the son a bit too. (I know its hard sometimes)

I think asking the son to leave home would only make matters worse in this situation. The poor OP obviosly loves both men dearly and needs both of them near her at this time. I hope it all works out soon