fantasies - am i wrong

[Disney Doll]

There's a pretty broad spectrum from "24 hour a day porn junkie" to "guy who looks at attractive women".

OP, as you have posted a few more times on the thread,you have imparted more information.

My thoughts:
~It is not horrible for your husband to look at or find someone else attractive from an empricial standpoint.
~It is not wise for your husband to announce this repeatedly to you...especially when this has been an issue throughout your marriage
~It is disrespectful to ogle people...it is disrespectful to you as the spouse and it is disrespectful to the person being ogled. And there is a difference between doing a quick or discreet "checking out" glance at someone and a leering ogle. My husband has been known to look at an attractive woman...however he does not stand there staring for 5 minutes looking her up and down every inch. There IS a difference. If my husband was ogling someone to the point where I found it to be over-the-top, he'd hear about it.
~It is possible for a married person to look at someone and think "Gee, he/she is nice-looking" and still love their own spouse. I am quite happily married. I have been known to see a handsome man and think "Gee, he's a handsome man". I do not go on to think "I'd love to date him and have sex with him" and detail in my brain all the myriad ways that we could have sex....then it becomes ogling and it goes right over the line to disrespectful.
~Perhaps your Aspergers makes it a difficult concept for you to understand, but I also think that the fact that it sounds like your husband engages in this behavior repeatedly doesn't help.
~It was incredibly stupid and insensitive of your husband to say that he found your MOH more attractive on your wedding day. Frankly, if he were my husband he'd better hope he got diagnosed as having Aspergers because at least that might give some explanation (although not excuse) as to why he was unable to keep that information to himself.
~His behavior upsets you. He knows it upsets you. He shouldn't do it, just as you shouldn't do behavior that you know upsets him. If he "can't help himself" then therein lies the problem. If you are doing something that you know upsets him under the guise of not being able to help yourself, that is also a problem.

I think counselling is in order for both of you...together and spearately. Perhaps some behavior related counselling that will help you manage your Aspergers. Perhaps some diagnostic work to determine if your husband has Aspergers and then some behavior related counselling for him too. And you know what,OP, counselling may not work. But for your own self-preservation, I thnk you need to try and get yourself together more, whether it is to be able to deal with this man or another one.

Good luck OP. It seems like you guys have your work cut out for you.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Versus knowing friends/neighbors/coworkers (so there is a chance)...

As a spouse of a beautiful woman, I know that my wife has many chances. She also is the woman, so she has the opportunity. She also has fantasies. For some reason, none of this bothers me.

 

[sam_gordon]

Lets break this down into two segments...

You don't understand the difference?
1. You're never going to meet Jennifer Anniston or Angelina Jolie. So 100% chance that your fantasy will not come true.
2. Even if you did meet them, would they be interested in you when they can attract the hottest guys on the planet? So 100% that your fantasy will not come true.

1. Actually, everyone travels. It is possible (however remote) that our paths could cross. So it's not 100%
2. Even if I did meet them, you never know the situation, maybe they're mad at their current SO, and want to have sex with "the next guy they see" (Jennifer Anniston actually said that line in Friends) and I walk around the corner. Again, not 100%

What makes it 100% not going to happen is I love my wife.

Versus knowing friends/neighbors/coworkers (so there is a chance).

Again, since I love my wife, there is 0% chance of having a fling with friends/neighbors/coworkers. So 0%=0%. They are the same chances.

or let's put it this way: Your wife has the hots for Hugh Jackman and the hots for the guy next door. She can walk next door and make an offer with a reasonable chance that the guy next door will say yes. What are the odds that she's going to meet Hugh Jackman and if she did, that he'd be interested in her? Waaaay less than the guy next door.

I should hope, since she says she loves me also, that the chance of EITHER happening is also 0%. Yes, she could find Hugh attractive and she might find the neighbor attractive. That doesn't mean she'd act on the feeling (even if she does fantasize about them).

People might have fantasies of telling off their boss. Does that mean they ever would?

 

[Robinrs]

First - you are a regular. There is a group of posters who will always tell the wife to "leave the bum". Ignore those messages.They are a result of things that have happened in those posters' lives, not yours.

Agreed. Also because it's easier said than done and we're only hearing one side.

As a spouse of a beautiful woman, I know that my wife has many chances. She also is the woman, so she has the opportunity. She also has fantasies. For some reason, none of this bothers me.

The point made over and over that it was NOT the fantasy, but the fact that he would tell her and knew it would hurt her. You are obviously a very confident person, you cannot compare your reaction to her, just as I couldn't. We do not have the OP's issues.

The OP mentioned she has Aspergers. This is a level that excludes any advice from an internet board. She knows she needs help anI really hope she gets it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...The point made over and over that it was NOT the fantasy, but the fact that he would tell her and knew it would hurt her...

I can't believe it is that simple. I seriously doubt that he is just offering up this information without some digging on the OP's part. Someone said it up-thread - don't ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Should he lie to her when pressed?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OP, get counseling.

Since you have Asperger's--at the very minimum, your husband should be completely understanding of that and watching what things he could say that hurt you. Your Asperger's and possible misunderstandings don't excuse that he is still hurting you.

As for your husband--some of what has been posted that excuses his actions leave me . If I read your post and believe he is behaving as you are perceiving, he is a creep! But creeps can be reformed if he is willing.

 

[JaneBanks]

I'm still bothered by the fact that he likes to look at teenagers.

Apparently, this is more than just "looking" since you've had a talk about pedophilia with him.

This would by my main issue with him, not porn or fantasies.

 

[Aisling]

I'm still bothered by the fact that he likes to look at teenagers.

Apparently, this is more than just "looking" since you've had a talk about pedophilia with him.

This would by my main issue with him, not porn or fantasies.

I may be mistaken, but I'd bet my husband has looked at teenage girls. Even I've seen some hot-looking teenage girls that have caught my eye because of their attractiveness, and I'm a heterosexual woman who's not a pedophile.

I think we have to be careful with using the word pedophile. Womanly-looking teenage girls wouldn't interest a pedophile, by definition.

 

[Bob NC]

I may be mistaken, but I'd bet my husband has looked at teenage girls. Even I've seen some hot-looking teenage girls that have caught my eye because of their attractiveness, and I'm a heterosexual woman who's not a pedophile.

I think we have to be careful with using the word pedophile. Womanly-looking teenage girls wouldn't interest a pedophile, by definition.

Hey listen, this is the DIS, the voice of reason is not allowed here!!!!!

 

[Robinrs]

I can't believe it is that simple. I seriously doubt that he is just offering up this information without some digging on the OP's part. Someone said it up-thread - don't ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Should he lie to her when pressed?

Have you ever lied to a loved one to save their feelings? I know I do often. I live by the mantra that if it feels better to say it as it does for the other person to hear it, then don't say it.

 

[JaneBanks]

I may be mistaken, but I'd bet my husband has looked at teenage girls. Even I've seen some hot-looking teenage girls that have caught my eye because of their attractiveness, and I'm a heterosexual woman who's not a pedophile.

I think we have to be careful with using the word pedophile. Womanly-looking teenage girls wouldn't interest a pedophile, by definition.

Hey listen, this is the DIS, the voice of reason is not allowed here!!!!!

I'm just going by what the OP said. I wasn't the first to use the word, OP was.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Have you ever lied to a loved one to save their feelings? I know I do often. I live by the mantra that if it feels better to say it as it does for the other person to hear it, then don't say it.

This isn't the same if she repeatedly asks him. Eventually he feels bad for lying and tells the truth (every couple of years). She then reacts like she is shocked that it is still happening after he "promised". She needs to stop asking, not ask him to keep lying.

 

[Scurvy]

Lets break this down into two segments...

1. Actually, everyone travels. It is possible (however remote) that our paths could cross. So it's not 100%
2. Even if I did meet them, you never know the situation, maybe they're mad at their current SO, and want to have sex with "the next guy they see" (Jennifer Anniston actually said that line in Friends) and I walk around the corner. Again, not 100%

What makes it 100% not going to happen is I love my wife.


Again, since I love my wife, there is 0% chance of having a fling with friends/neighbors/coworkers. So 0%=0%. They are the same chances.


I should hope, since she says she loves me also, that the chance of EITHER happening is also 0%. Yes, she could find Hugh attractive and she might find the neighbor attractive. That doesn't mean she'd act on the feeling (even if she does fantasize about them).

People might have fantasies of telling off their boss. Does that mean they ever would?

For me, the lack of opportunity isn't the reason I think it's more acceptable to fantasize about characters or celebrities than about people you know in "real life". I think it's more acceptable because I think that most people are smart enough to realize that the person they are fantasizing about isn't real. Obviously that goes for fictional characters but I think it also goes for the people who play those characters. I think most people realize that celebrities are projecting an image. They are airbrushed in many photos, they have stylists, they have perfect lighting when they film scenes, they gives answers in interviews that they think will increase their popularity . . . they are almost always very different in person than they appear to their fans. Someone who loves the way Hugh Jackman seems on film might not like him at all if they actually knew him. Bob in the next cubical over is a real person. Hugh Jackman is a carefully crafted image, unless you happen to actually know him. In my opinion, fantisizing about Bob and dwelling on your attraction to him could make it more likely that in a moment of stupidity, temptation or anger you could cross a line you shouldn't cross. Fantasizing about Wolverine or even about "Hugh Jackman" is much less likely to lead to that sort of thing.

 

[Robinrs]

This isn't the same if she repeatedly asks him. Eventually he feels bad for lying and tells the truth (every couple of years). She then reacts like she is shocked that it is still happening after he "promised". She needs to stop asking, not ask him to keep lying.

You cannot control other people, just yourself. If someone I love asks me over and over "am I ugly" I would say no, not say something to hurt their feelings.

She should stop asking, but she has Aspergers. He doesn't. He has the responsibility of acting correctly to prevent hurt of a woman he claims he loves.

This is from Aspergers-Advice.com:

Classified as one of many pervasive development disorders Asperger Syndrome is also seen in many adults. The brain of individuals with Adult Asperger Syndrome works in a different way, especially when it comes down to processing information. Their focus is on details and mostly these adults have specialized in one field of interest. Asperger symptoms in adults can stabilize over time and this provides them with opportunities to improve their social skills and behavior.

Adult Aspergers are impairments in social interaction like maintaining friendships or feeling the need to engage in activities with others. There is also impairments in communication such as taken whatever is said literally and being unable to read between the lines.

There could be an inability to listen to others and pick up on non verbal signs such as body language or facial expressions.

She may be perceiving what he is doing incorrectly but he is married to her and has to be aware of her issues. Both of them need more help than a board of DISers and I hope they get it.

 

[diznygirl]

I can't believe it is that simple. I seriously doubt that he is just offering up this information without some digging on the OP's part. Someone said it up-thread - don't ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Should he lie to her when pressed?

Do you tell your wife those jeans make her butt look fat?

This isn't the same if she repeatedly asks him. Eventually he feels bad for lying and tells the truth (every couple of years). She then reacts like she is shocked that it is still happening after he "promised". She needs to stop asking, not ask him to keep lying.

If she knows this is his pattern, then she can probably see it when it happens. Yes, she needs to just take the "Yes dear/No dear" at face value, but not if it's interfering with their relationship.

 

[FireDancer]

I may be mistaken, but I'd bet my husband has looked at teenage girls. Even I've seen some hot-looking teenage girls that have caught my eye because of their attractiveness, and I'm a heterosexual woman who's not a pedophile.

I think we have to be careful with using the word pedophile. Womanly-looking teenage girls wouldn't interest a pedophile, by definition.

Yeah, there is a difference between seeing an 18 year old (or even 16 or 17) who is attractive or has a great body and noticing it and wanting to sleep with children.

 

[Jennasis]

Do you tell your wife those jeans make her butt look fat?






If she knows this is his pattern, then she can probably see it when it happens. Yes, she needs to just take the "Yes dear/No dear" at face value, but not if it's interfering with their relationship.

If I ask DH if my butt looks fat in those jeans, if my dress looks frumpy, or my hair looks bad he had BETTER tell me the truth, otherwise I would never ask him such a question if I didn't want to know. I don't believe in fishing for compliments, particularly since he compliments me all the time. If I ask, I WANT to know the truth so I don't leave the house looking like an idiot.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I don't care if his excuse is that he has bats living in his head, I'll still take "Hubby is a ****** for $800 Alex."

I don't think there is a question on this earth a man can get that he should answer "Oh yeah, MOH was smokin' in her dress, you? Not so much."

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Do you tell your wife those jeans make her butt look fat? ....

Yes, but we are both confident people, and we have a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. If she asks me a question, she expects an honest answer.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Yes, but we are both confident people, and we have a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. If she asks me a question, she expects an honest answer.

Fair enough, now pretend she asks you if her MOH looked better than she did on your wedding day.

Obviously a confident woman isn't asking that. So if the woman you LOVED asked you that question, what would you say? Even if the MOH was completely out hotting the bride???