Family Problems - need some help. Long.

[albertamommyof4]

i don't mean to sound to harsh but kids do learn from example, so maybe you and your husband need to set a good example.
i am a mother of 4 and the oldest will be 12 this summer. Yes my kids are not perfect but the do get punished. they do say they do not like me sometimes but that is my job.
You and your hubby need to sit down and have a long talk about his attitude towards the kids and you and your attitudes towards everything. You need to come up with a plan and set some rules and the consiquenes. Then you need to sit down with the kids and let them know these, and then follow through.
Yes your kids will be mad at you but they will get over it , it is your job to show them how to act and how to treat others.
Are you sure that your hubbie is just frustrated with the kids? if so he also needs to grow up as throwing the remote and yelling at the kids is not going to solve anything.

Also kids do need to be reminded of stuff , nobodys perfect.
And yes i also have to remind hubby to do stuff lol.
Good luck

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Thank you everyone for your candid responses.

I talked to my dh just a bit ago and I asked him if this situation with the kids is a catalyst for an underlying problem to make him leave. He said no. He said he is just really sick of the kids not respecting our things - the things we work so hard for every day. I told him that leaving for this reason is not acceptable and if he wants to go then he needs to but this is stupid. I told him that we have to look at other ways to work this out. He called his EAP to set up some family counseling.

I think that the family counseling is a great idea. I also suggested to him that we put a lock on our bedroom door. I think that you have given me some great ideas and I am going to bring home and institute. I think we need to lock the tv off and make them more accountable for their jobs.

I have tried the list thing with them. They come home and check off the list daily - but I guess I lack some follow through - I didn't always pay attention after a long day at work.

I think you are all right - we need to be on the same page. I just don't agree with all of his expectations.

Keep um coming - and thanks for your help!

Michelle

 

[sixAMmom]

I have been where you are and counciling helped us! Here is some Pixie Dust for you and your family. Hang in there.

 

[MOREMICKEYFORME]

First Michelle, I want to send you a hug...
This must be hard to go thru. It must have been horrifying to hear your DD tell you that DH is packing his stuff to leave. This was insensitive of DH to do in front of the kids, but I can also understand the frustration he is feeling, he just needs to learn better ways of dealing with those feelings and expressing them. I think going to counseling is a great idea for the family. I would suggest a counselor who works primarily with teens/ kids. There was a time that my DD had to go to counseling and I chose a therapist who was young/ cool/ and trendy. I know it may have been shallow to chose her based on these attributes (BTW she was smart as a whip), but I felt this was what my daughter needed for an example of what a responsible young woman could do with her life. It worked. My daughter looked up to her and opened up to her more than I know she would have to say a 60 year old man sitting behind a desk taking notes. Choose carefully, you may need to chose one doctor for you and your husband (I think you have separate issues) and one for the kids (they have their own issues). I know money may be a problem, trust me, I know how expensive it can be. I didn't have insurance at the time. But work it out with a payment plan or seeking financial assistance.
Good luck to you, Michelle. Your family will be in my prayers!

 

[msce2]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It sounds like you are working very hard to provide for your family and to hold them together. I agree with the counseling and it's good to hear that DH took the step to contact EAP. It shows that he does want to work this out. I think the act of leaving was trying to show the kids how frustrated he was with the situation. However I know first hand how detrimental this can be to you and the kids. It leaves you feeling that he could leave at any time. He needs to make a commitment to work through this without threatening to leave. It's an option that he needs to permanently remove from the table.

I also think it needs to be in writing what is expected of the kids and what the consequences are. If they don't perform the required duties then everything needs to go. If you have to take it to grandma's and grandpa's so that it's not played with while your not home then so be it. If it means packing up the tv's and shipping them off, do it. Whatever they care about most goes into a trash bag and away until you see some improvement. For DD that may mean no new clothes, make up or hair stuff. Cell phones should go as well. The punishment has to be significant enough that they will want to do their chores.

I have to say that I am really impressed that you would put yourself out there for criticism from everyone to get help for your family. It shows how strong you are, and how much you love them.

 

[Dallas_Lady]

I have to say that I am really impressed that you would put yourself out there for criticism from everyone to get help for your family. It shows how strong you are, and how much you love them.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Hmmm , I thought when they said they didn't like you it meant you wee doing your job as a parent!?!?!

for you counseling! So happy to hear that you and DH are on the same page afterall. You mentioned his parents' house was empty...is there someone who could watch the boys for a weekend?

sounds like you don't need a lock for your door...you need a lock on the outside of their doors

 

[squirrel]

First thing I would do is remove all video game systems. They can be given back when you get home and all their work is completed (homework and chores).

My dad would unplug the TV's (remove the cable) so that we couldn't watch it. Might be worth looking at doing that if your children can not be trusted to do their work.

They are all old enough to help maintain the house.

Make them do their jobs! You both do your jobs. Have set bedtimes for each of the children. You two are the adults-you both have to agree on what the kids punishments will be if they don't follow the rules of the house. Decide on the rules and stick to them!

 

[peytonsmomie]

You know what, I was thinking about your post while I treated my kids (heck, who am I kidding, I treated ME) to Red Robin for dinner tonight since their dad is out of town. The posters above who commented on your bravery for opening up about this are absolutely right. I was trying to pinpoint what I felt I had left out of my previous post, and that was the biggest thing!

Too often parents of teens suffer the roughest years of parenting in silence, convinced that it's a shameful burden, or that everyone else will judge them. That makes it so much harder to bounce back from. Being open about needing to find a solution is such a positive, and that your husband is actively participating in the "fixing" stage would indicate to me that he's really not a "problem dh" at all. I really think you must have a good foundation between the two of you, and that this stage will be workable.

Also, it occurred to me that with the split shifting you and DH have going on, 1 of you is consistently going to have to play the heavy, and be the enforcer. This is *really* difficult, especially when you work a long hard day and have to come home and trail along behind them checking their chores.

A good solution may be to divvy up the chores into morning and night work. Your DH can be responsible for double checking that the AM work is done, and you can do the PM work. That way neither of you has to do it ALL.

And, since your children are old enough that consequences beedn't be immediate in order to be effective, you could each wait until it fits YOUR time frame to check things. DH could do a quick sweep of the perimeter after they leave for school. DD's work not done? Her ____ locked up for the week when she returns home from school. DS has stolen DH's socks? DS's lucky ___ locked up when he returns home from school.

Finally, while my kids are quite a bit younger (ds6 and dd8.5) I have discovered that removing doors from hinges to "their" spaces is a HUGE motivator for good behavior. If I can't trust my kid for any reason, the door to their room comes off. I won't have secrets in my home. Of course, they are always given bathroom privacy, and I never read journals or notes. But they get the point.

Keep your chin up. You're doing the right thing, even though it's gonna suck for a while.

 

[LadyShea]

I have discovered that removing doors from hinges to "their" spaces is a HUGE motivator for good behavior.

DS is only three, but we have 5 nieces and nephews, from 8yo to 20yo, to give us an idea of what to expect. We have already planned removing the door the first time it gets slammed in anger.

Every single kid in our family was a horrible door slammer!

 

[wilderness01]

Good luck with the couseling.

 

[peytonsmomie]

DS is only three, but we have 5 nieces and nephews, from 8yo to 20yo, to give us an idea of what to expect. We have already planned removing the door the first time it gets slammed in anger.

Every single kid in our family was a horrible door slammer!

A little girl at my kid's daycare actually lost a finger when her preteen aged sister slammed the door to her (the older one's) bedroom. It was far from the first time the older girl had slammed the door but it was the first time the older girl saw a true negative consequence. From now until forever the older sister will live with the guilt of having caused a life affecting extremely painful injury to her baby sister.

My kids both saw from the two of them the scary things that can happen when anger controls your hands. Although they both act up, just like normal kids, they've really taken the experience to heart, and don't slam anything. Thank goodness, b/c I don't know how I'd survive it.

 

[lmillercrew]

I'm happy that your DH is on board with counseling. Some men have a real problem with accepting that fact that it's needed and it's o.k. to have. Good luck with everything and stick to your guns sister!

 

[HeatherC]

I just have a question. How much time do you guys actually spend together as a family. Sounds like everyone is running their own schedule and left to their devices to "get stuff done". Can't be much of a family life. Maybe everyone needs to re-prioritize how you want to live your lives and get control of it instead of having it control you.

When everyone is going and coming at different times with different priorities, the communication gets lost.

Just something to think about.....

Good luck to you.

 

[Rylee]

Dear OP,

I have read through this thread and think the counseling is a good idea... but I think you need to be prepared for "more to come."

I honestly don't know any parents that would leave their spouse on weekends because their children don't respect them, their wishes or their property. Combined with other problems, yes... possibly, but my DH wouldn't take "weekends off" just because the kids take advantage of us, or got into one of his prize collections, nor would I leave DH because the girls use my perfume, take my make-up or throw unworn clothes in the hamper.

Now, if the two of you are in disagreement on how to handle the kids or fighting a lot because of differences in discipline policies, that's more understandable, yet... this is a problem between the two of you.

If your DH threaten this, just to get everyone's attention, it was pretty dramatic and unfair to you and the children. Getting others to do as you want, should always be "out of respect" and "never out of fear," (of leaving.) Imagine if he follows through, now or eventually, the guilt your children will carry... "Dad left because we were bad." Also, it is unfair of him to take a 24/7 "job," and turn it into a work week, leaving you to deal with it full-time.

This isn't your fault, either, (as mentioned in a pp.) The problem with your children can be worked out... anything can, but only if your DH is being totally HONEST.

I hope you do work it out, but I just wanted you to be prepared that there may be something else bothering your DH.

 

[doxdogy]

A lock on the bedroom door? Why? It is yours and your DH's room, not the kids. They need to understand that your room is not their room. We were allowed in our parents room growing up. But we knew that we had better not take anything out of the room without permission. If we did, there were consequences.

You both need to present a united front. You both need to put a stop to them not respecting what is yours. You both need to be the bad guy. Which means if dad says no, it means no or vice versa.

Thank you everyone for your candid responses. I think that the family counseling is a great idea. I also suggested to him that we put a lock on our bedroom door.
Michelle

 

[MaryAz]

Big kudos to you for posting and asking for suggestions. I hope the counseling works. I also think a "back to basics" approach may also work. If the chores etc are not done then they get no privledges. It will take some consistancy on your parts but I think it will payoff. My 5 year old daughter gets 2 reminders to clean up her room. If it is not done then whatever is left out is taken and has to be earned back. Things like video games etc in my opinion are a privledge not a right. Good luck

 

[LadyKay]

I am a mother of 3 girls (6,8 & 16), I work in early childhood education. I have read all the posts and have a different point of view. My suggestion (to the contrary of everyone else's) would be to try and focus on the positive. Incentives and leverage go a looooooong way. If you and your husband are constantly focusing on their faults (and believe me, I am aware that all our children have faults) then their faults and shortfalls will be accentuated. Try it, just try it, praise them for what they do right when they do it and encourage them to do better when they don't meet their potential. Sometimes our reactions to circumstances out weigh the circumstance itself and young ears and eyes are looking to us for leadership examples even when you think they're not. I wish you encouragement.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

LadyKay,

:Focus on the positives. praise the kids for what they do do right. Yes the work may be expected, but isn't it nice when your boss compliments you for a job well done...that you are being paid to do. Maybe schedule a trip for the family that involves being together without technology getting in the way (this could even be a day trip on a Saturday).

Must be a teacher thing!

 

[LadyKay]

LadyKay,



Must be a teacher thing!

So sorry ilandrazdsw, don't know how I missed your post. BTW great advise! I also am a firm believer of "Law of Attraction"!!!