Family Problems - need some help. Long.

[mousefanmichelle]

Ok here's the deal - my dh wants to leave and go stay at his parents house on the weekends. His parents are in FL for the winter so the house is empty.

This is why he wants to go - we have been struggling at our house because my dh thinks our kids are lazy and show no initiative to do anything without being prompted to. We have to ask them to do their jobs - they just don't do them. Their jobs consist of keeping their rooms clean, taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, returnables in their bin in the garage, recycleables in their bin, fold the whites. We have 3 kids - 14, 12, and 10.

They do the stupidest stuff. It is like they just don't think. They take whatever they want in the house - like they will take something that belongs to someone else without asking. All they want to do is watch tv and play video games.

Our situation is this - I work fulll time days - 830-5. I am home by 6pm usually - my communte is 1 hour. My dh works afternoons 3pm - 11:30pm home ususally by 12:30am. The kids are home by 3:15 until I get home. They are supposed to do their homework and do their jobs. When I get home it is usually 50/50 - 50% of the time the jobs are done and 50% of the time they aren't. I have grounded them, taken away the video games - all of those things. My dh thinks they should be more responsible.

The last straw was last night. Dh was in a good mood until he crawled into our bed to watch tv. The remote in our room was missing the batteries and the backing to the battery part. He got up and yelled and threw the remote in the living room. He was mad cuz the kids broke the remote and removed the backing and never put it back - it is now MIA. Then I told my middle son to get upstairs it is time for bed - he was playing video games in the basement - and he said something which I didn't stick around to listen to - I just wanted him to get a shower. A minute later my dh stalked downstairs and took the game away from my son and put it somewhere. My ds comes upstairs crying (the 12 year old) and says that dad ruined his game he was trying to save it and he hates his dad.

Meanwhile, my dd is home ill today with my dh. I call to check on her and she said that dad was packing his clothes. I talked to him and he said he was taking his stuff to his parents bcuz he is sick of everything getting ruined and that nobody cares about anything anymore. My oldest ds is taking my dh's socks and long underware when he has socks all over his room and even in things like his hunting box. The kid is a pig/slob, he really is.

I am at a loss. I just don't know what to do. We have respect issues clearly at my house. No one respects anyones things. Other than that - I don't know what to do. It seems like talking to the kids isn't working. We talk and talk and talk but it falls on deaf ears. There are some days I want to run away too - but I don't. My dh on the other hand made up his mind and is going. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

 

[hrsmom]

I'm going to be a little blunt here... the problem isn't the children, it's the parenting. Don't get me wrong, they are old enough to be able to do the things you want them to do and they are old enough to understand respect issues, however, it seems like you and your DH don't follow through. In order for your children to change, you guys need to change. What you're doing isn't working, so you need to figure out what will work. Tell them what the consequences will be and then stick to them. It'll be rough at first, but eventually it'll make things at home a lot nicer. You also need to set realistic consequences (this is an area that I really need to work on), I'm one who will blurt out the most absurd things to my kids - like if you don't listen, we won't go to Disney (yeah, like I'm going to cancel a trip), I'm trying to make sure I do things like take away toys, tv, etc., things that I can and will follow through on. If you expect chores done, you need rules and consequences if they're not done. If their chores aren't done, the video games (or whatever) go bye-bye for a week. They have to earn them back, they do the chores every day and after a week get back whatever was taken.

This is what we do, though our children are a lot younger, so it's different rules and consequences. We're not perfect at it, but we all do the best we can. ((((HUGS))))

 

[jeepgirl30]

Wow, along with respect issues it sounds like there are maturity issues and I'm not talking about the kids. You mentioned you wanted to run away and now DH is actually going. Um, you made a choice to be parents.

How late do your children stay up? If DH gets home 11:30 - 12:30 the kids should not still be up playing video games.

How long have you taken away the games or grounded them for? Maybe they need bigger incentives. Set firm rules and firm punishment. What about no dinner until homework is complete? Tell the 14yr old he can not have his dad's socks and make him go without or do the laundry.

You need to demand respect but at the time you need to show it to the kids too.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

What I meant about running away was figuratively. I would never do that and I would never tell my kids. I meant just run away from the stress of it all.

Now the kids - we have taken away the video games - they had to earn them back. Which they did. Now they are gone again.

The kids are sleeping well before the dh gets home so that's not a problem.

The problem is they don't listen and dh is sick of saying the same things over and over and it falls on deaf ears. The kids think they are doing enough and my dh thinks it's not enough. My dh thinks they should begin developing a work ethic - at least the 12 and 14 year old should. He feels they aren't. He thinks I give in too much - which he is probably right I do. But I am the one who parents them the most - being with them more than my dh is.

I guess since I am the one that is with them most and have been for the last 14 years that is it my fault since I am the softee and dh is the meanie.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I agree with the 2 pp.

Whats up with your DH? Yea, lets talk about maturity. If he's packing up and leaving his family, I think there is more brewing than just the kids behavior.

I have kids too and I know it gets monotonous , do this, do that. But they are kids and they need disciplined and taught. Doesn't seem like there's too many ground rules at your house and if there are they sure aren't folllowed through.

You need to set rules and stick to them. Kids up at 12:30am, whats up with that? My almost 11 year old is in bed at 10:30-11:00 at the latest on the weekends, school nights 9:00pm and some of his friends still go to bed at 8:30pm.

I hear some of the ways my sons friends talk to their parents, it makes me sick. Just the other day, DS's good friend was telling the whole room of people how his mom and dad fight all the time and his mom is always wrong. Even after repeated times of the mom telling him to be quiet, he continued and got even more obnoxious. As soon as we left, DS said mom I would never talk to you like that, because you would back hand me. I wouldn't and he knows that, but he gets it. Respect!


rules, consequences, follow through

 

[pyrxtc]

What if you just took away everything so there was nothing to do but their homework and chores. You can lock your TV so it can't be watched during certain hours of the day (if you have a newer tv), Put a lock on your bedroom door thqat can be used anytime you are not in the bedroom. Take away all video games and anything fun that they do instead of their work.

HAve a family meeting stating why you did what you did and that if they do what is expected of them for (an example) 2 weeks , then one thing will be returned with rules and stipulations. Video games will only be available for certain days or certain hours when you are home and you see all the work is done. A different consequence for having someone elses items in their room or on them without the other persons permission.

For my children, there is not TV until chores and homework is done. No videogames on a day there is school except for Fridays. As far as their rooms go, I need to be able to get to their bed without hurting myself. No food is allowed beyond the kitchen or playroom. The playroom has to be decent since it is visible from all public areas of the house. It doesn't have to be spotless but neat. They get all privledges taken away if they take anything that does not belong to them. There are also some great sights to download extra homework for them or you can pick out a book for them to read when they are grounded from other things. Make sure that the book is age appropriate and is something they would like to read. Reading is not a punishment, so it can be anything.

Also you may consider seeing if the kids can stay afterschool for homework help or go somewhere until you get home from work. YMCA's and Boys and Girls clubs are great. Some churches also host after school activities to keep kids busy in some area's.

Also, if I tell my DD (12) to clean her room and her clothes don't get picked up, then they get hung back up in her closet or put back into her drawer as is.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I never said they were up that late. I said my dh gets home at that time. I was painting a picture of what our life is like not saying they are up that late. They have bed times - they follow them.

I am saying that my dh is tired of saying the same old thing every day and nothing changes. The kids still don't get it - they still need prompting to do their jobs and it is affecting my marriage and now my family life since he wants to leave. My dh wants more out of his kids - respect and responsibility and he heard my middle son say that he hates him last night.

I respect your honesty and your suggestions. Please keep them coming.

Thanks for your responses.

 

[RMulieri]

I have only one suggestion..family therapy.There is alot more going on here than kids not listening and lack of respect & responsibility.Both parents and kids share ownership of this crisis.Seek professional help .

 

[ilovejack02]

parenting classes and family counseling ... run dont walk to the nearest facility.

I have two kiddos .. a 19 yr old and 6 yr old.
What worked with the oldest is consistency and accountability. After the second time of having his entire room stripped of all but sheets and enough clothes for the week and having to earn ALL back, he learned to get with the program. ( thank you Dr. Phil! )
I refuse to yell, I refuse to repeat myself... it took a few yrs for me to get to this point, but once I did boy the tide turned.
I will not say that all is perfect, but once the boys figured out mom and dad mean business life at our house got alot better!

 

[hopesmommy]

I understand not liking to repeat yourself. I have to do it with my DH and my DD, but I am a parent and a grown-up. Kids do not have long attention spans. If you give them too many items, they won't remember. Have you tried a chart? Also sit them down and ask them what they think respect is and discuss they responsibilty and consequences. If they have some say in the household rules, they might listen better.

Good Luck!

 

[lmillercrew]

I'm going to be honest too. It sounds like your DH is looking for a way out, and he's using the kids as the excuse. I have a 17, 15 and 9 and I have to tell them EVERY DAY to pick up their crap, put their dishes in the kitchen, wash their clothes, don't do this and don't do that. THEY ARE KIDS!!! (not yelling at you, just wish your Dh got it) They're kids, plain and simple. That's why we are the parents. They don't care about anybody else but themselves, at this point in their lives. They are only worried about what's going on with them, in their own little world.
I think your family needs some serious counseling. You couple counseling too. I find it very convenient for your DH to leave the situation so easily, and leave you to handle the children by yourself. I feel badly for you and hope that you find the help that you need.
We've taken the doors off of my kids rooms too, as a punishment. They don't like that either.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I never said they were up that late. I said my dh gets home at that time. I was painting a picture of what our life is like not saying they are up that late. They have bed times - they follow them.

I am saying that my dh is tired of saying the same old thing every day and nothing changes. The kids still don't get it - they still need prompting to do their jobs and it is affecting my marriage and now my family life since he wants to leave. My dh wants more out of his kids - respect and responsibility and he heard my middle son say that he hates him last night.

I respect your honesty and your suggestions. Please keep them coming.

Thanks for your responses.

Although of course, we can't know all the details of your life by one posting on a message board...but at first glance..I looks like maybe you and DH aren't on the same page. There has to be a united front...and you both have to be strict about it. If DH wants more respect and responsbility...then you need it as well..or figure out a compromise position to take that you both can agree on..then bring it to your kids.

Set the ground rules that u can both agree on..no softie/meanie stuff. Thats just indication that you don't agree with how you are going to parent your children... by taking the softie road u are undermining your husbands attempts at discpline... If you think your husband is being too strict take it up with him and then figure out a good compromise.

Just my two cents....Good luck!!

 

[Scurvy]

I agree that it sounds like the best thing for your family would be for you and your husband to get on the same page. Work out a plan and then present a united front. It sounds like there may be respect issues going on and I think taking away privilages and letting the kids earn them back is a great start.

However, I do want to touch on one thing about your 12 year old. I don't know if you or your husband play video games. If you do not, then you might not be aware that with most games you can't just quit at any time. It takes a minute or two to save your progress in many games, and in some games you actually have to reach a certain point before you are able to save. If you quit without saving then you lose all the progress you have made in that session, and if you turn off the system or remove the game while it's in the process of saving you actually can ruin the save file. Something that works well for our family is to give our son a 10 minute warning before he has to quit. That gives him time to save the game. If your husband really took the game just a minute after you told your son to quit, I can definitely see why he was upset. This might be something to touch on if you are working out a new set of rules for your kids.

 

[mjkacmom]

I understand not liking to repeat yourself. I have to do it with my DH and my DD, but I am a parent and a grown-up. Kids do not have long attention spans. If you give them too many items, they won't remember. Have you tried a chart? Also sit them down and ask them what they think respect is and discuss they responsibilty and consequences. If they have some say in the household rules, they might listen better.

Good Luck!

I have to agree here - these are children, not adults. Heck, I have to remind DH to take out the garbage every single Wednesday and Saturday - otherwise, he wouldn't remember. Almost every night, after dd12 takes I shower, I have to tell her to remove her dirty clothes from the bathroom floor. After school, coats and jackets, plus shoes, are all over my floor - I have to tell the kids to put them away.

Yes, I have to repeat myself, over and over. At least one phone and one remote is missing at all times, and I have my moments, when I lose it, because I feel like all I do is clean and nag. However, as a parent, my job is to nag, and eventualy they'll become adults, and have to nag their own kids.

Your DH works while the kids are home during the week, and wants to get away from them over the weekends? Yes, we have expectations for our kids, but teens aren't robots - there's a lot going on inside those hormonal brains, and they're lucky to just be functioning.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

You aren't alone!

Try not to blame yourself, but I know this is easier said than done. I am a singel mom for weeks at a time due to DH's job and my father manages to critize my parenting skills nearly every time I see him (which is at least 2x a week).

You said that you have taken items away from you kids and they had to earn them back. How did that work? Didi it make them straighten up and work? Rather than take away (well you can start with that) make them earn time to use the video games, tv, computer, and go out with friends. No work=No Play time. After a few days/weeks of nothing to do besides chores and maybe reading in their rooms hopefully they will get the idea. This will be difficult for you and DH will have to back you up on it, but no amount of temper tantrums or whining should be able to break you! Sit down for a family meeting with you and DH front and center showing who is in charge!

Focus on the positives. praise the kids for what they do do right. Yes the work may be expected, but isn't it nice when your boss compliments you for a job well done...that you are being paid to do. Maybe schedule a trip for the family that involves being together without technology getting in the way (this could even be a day trip on a Saturday).

DH needs to loose the attitude. You have 3 children and don't need a 4th. The kids are seeing that their attitudes are breaking you and him. They are in charge and you need to get it back. Your work hours aren't helping the situation (IMHO), but I realize that may not the an issue that can be changed.

I am not sure what the child labor laws are in your state. Would your 14 yo be able to have a part time job? Yes, I do realize work opportunities are few and far between these days. Maybe the 14 and 12 yos could volunteer a couple hours each week in an organization. Possibly you could pay them a little something so it would be like a job. Do they get an allowance now or do you give them $ when they need it, like to go out with friends...stop giving it to them and make them earn it.

As PP have said you may want to consider some counseling. Is there something going on between you and DH (you don't have to share) that talking with a professional may get out to the open for a resolution. Family counseling may also help...sometimes kids do better if they hear it from another person or is they are accountable to another person.

Good luck!!!

 

[brockash]

I'm going to be a little blunt here... the problem isn't the children, it's the parenting. Don't get me wrong, they are old enough to be able to do the things you want them to do and they are old enough to understand respect issues, however, it seems like you and your DH don't follow through. In order for your children to change, you guys need to change. What you're doing isn't working, so you need to figure out what will work. Tell them what the consequences will be and then stick to them. It'll be rough at first, but eventually it'll make things at home a lot nicer. You also need to set realistic consequences (this is an area that I really need to work on), I'm one who will blurt out the most absurd things to my kids - like if you don't listen, we won't go to Disney (yeah, like I'm going to cancel a trip), I'm trying to make sure I do things like take away toys, tv, etc., things that I can and will follow through on. If you expect chores done, you need rules and consequences if they're not done. If their chores aren't done, the video games (or whatever) go bye-bye for a week. They have to earn them back, they do the chores every day and after a week get back whatever was taken.

This is what we do, though our children are a lot younger, so it's different rules and consequences. We're not perfect at it, but we all do the best we can. ((((HUGS))))

ITA with this post. Your kids have learned that they can basically walk all over the both of you. I think you 2 need to sit down have a talk make a plan and write it down. Your DH needs to grow up and realize he's their dad no matter what and he doesn't just get to run away, because it's rough right now- maybe you need to have that talk first. Your DD telling you that Dad is packing his clothes I don't really know what to say about that except it certainly isn't helping anything. You 2 need to plan out what the consequences are for your children not doing their chores (every single day you need to come home and that needs to be one of the first things you do, so they know that you're serious.) You 2 need to sit down and make rules, like they're not allowed in your room. If you find out otherwise then there's a consequence (every single time.) If you can't figure out who it was, then all 3 of them get the consequence... they're old enough to know what's going on here. And yes, you can't threaten unrealistic things. My DS will sometimes tell her 6 year old son that if he doesn't get in the car withing x amount of minutes that she'd leave without him... ummm really, no of course she won't do that it's against the law. I find my hardest thing is taking the energy to go make sure whatever I asked to be done is done and the feeling bad for putting them in time out-mine are still younger. But it has to be done, and you guys need to have a controlled enviroment about it... Dad packing his stuff, or my DS yelling at the top of her lungs at my DN because she's mad does absolutely nothing. You have to leave your personel feelings aside, and approach it as if A happens then B is the consequence, and you have to stick to it, follow through every single time. Yes, in the begining it's going to be a struggle and exhausting, but it'll be well worth it at the end. One thing I always remind myself is if I give in now, then it'll just mean that next time they're going to keep it up even longer, because I've just told them that if they keep it up long enough I'll eventually give in. Just don't do that, don't tell them one thing and then eventually give in...-they'll learn what they need to do for next time. Good luck!

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Having three kids myself, I feel the frustration. However, if my DH ever packed his clothes, he best follow thru and not come back. I know for our family, consistancy is key. Sooner or later, they "get it" or something gets taken. i.e. toy, video, privledges etc. It sounds like your family has no boundaries. The kids should not be able to help themselves to your remote. Sounds like maybe you could all benefit from some counseling or at the very least a HUGE, HEARFELT family meeting.

 

[LadyShea]

Take away the video games and TV, heck strip their rooms down to a bed, books, and necessary clothes. Put everything else in a storage unit.

You are required to feed, clothe, and educate them so do just that for awhile.

If they want more they have to earn it by participating in the running of a family by doing the few little chores you have outlined.

 

[brockash]

I never said they were up that late. I said my dh gets home at that time. I was painting a picture of what our life is like not saying they are up that late. They have bed times - they follow them.

I am saying that my dh is tired of saying the same old thing every day and nothing changes. The kids still don't get it - they still need prompting to do their jobs and it is affecting my marriage and now my family life since he wants to leave. My dh wants more out of his kids - respect and responsibility and he heard my middle son say that he hates him last night.

I respect your honesty and your suggestions. Please keep them coming.

Thanks for your responses.

Kids are not going to like their parents all the time. If he's in his own personal space ect. (honestly I could careless if mine said it in public,) but who cares if your DS said he hated his dad. I know it's hard, but you just can't take it personal. My DS is still younger, but I once heard him say he didn't like me; yes it's hard, but I know it's not true, really he didn't like what I made him do at that moment, and that's okay he's not going to "like" a lot of what I make him do or not do in his life, but that's my job as his parent, and I know that he loves me and always will, and I also know that when he gets older there's a pretty good chance he'll be grateful for those things. Didn't you and your DH not like or at some point say you hated one or both of your parents... do you still? I know I said/felt those kind of things especially as a teen, and I grew up and realized that my parents were doing what was best for me.

 

[peytonsmomie]

Counseling will help. If you're concerned about finances, contact the United Way in your area (usually 211 on your phone). Also Catholic and Lutheran Charities do good work (and don't require any religious doctrine adherence either).

Beyond the counseling though, perhaps I'll be the only one to actually point out that your husband's leaving may just be the wake up call your kids need. Because you know what? In the real world, if you don't respect people they will exit your life. You kids may need this harsh lesson a little earlier than many do, but it's time they get a real look at what happens when you treat the people who love you like dog-doo. "Unconditional love" is a great concept, and certainly one that young children need to feel awash in. However, as most adults know, even a parent's love has boundaries. Now, I'm not saying your husband should totally abdicate loving and raising your children, but it might help them to see that they are responsible for the way they treat others.

As to the stolen (and yeah, they are stealing!) belongings, especially things like socks and underwear? No way. Time for lockdown. I worked in a group home for a while, and when we had hoarders and theives, we locked up everything. Even the fridge and the dry pantry had locks on it. If your kids refuse to adhere to basic human decency and respect, then they forfeit the right to have access to the belongings of others.

You know, I'm a true believer that we mess our children up far more when we treat them like "special snowflakes" and permit them enormous liberties for the sake of fostering self-esteem. I've watched as teenager after teenager spirals out of control as their honestly loving parents watch helplessly, afraid to get real with their child for fear of hurting them or damaging their psyche.

The world is a hard, hard place (disney excluded!) and we do our children a gross disservice when we protect them from the things they will face when they cross the threshold at 18.