Family members not showing up to an event for your kid

[azgal81]

I don't see the big deal. Growing up some of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents couldn't make it to a certain event because they had other plans or they just couldn't make the trip. The furthest ones lived about 7 hours away. Honestly as a child I didn't care that they weren't there and my parents didn't get upset about it.

 

[debster812]

My DS is 10 years old, and is one of 22 cousin's on DH's side. They range in age from 6 months to 27 years old.

There is NO way humanly possible for us to attend every event for every child. We of course make every effort, and certainly make as many of the 'big events' as possible (Graduations, Communions, Confirmations, Showers, Weddings, etc).

You simply can't keep score.

For example, DS's godmother missed his 1st Birthday. She felt HORRIBLY about it, but there was a surprise 70th birthday party for her MIL on the same day. DS did not miss her, and I KNOW her MIL loved having here there. It was more important for her to be at MILs party.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

You can't make people have a relationship with you or be interested in your kids.

We have no relationship with MIL for various reasons (putting our family and safety first.) FIL (who's divorced from MIL) lived within 15 minutes of us for the past 4 years. He's never bothered to have any type of relationship with his grand children. He's missed baptisms, birthdays, all holidays, even my husbands college graduation. It wasn't for our lack of trying. But it gets exhausting when a relationship is one sided. FIL passed away the end of February. So many of his co-workers were distraught and were praising him. I wish we could have known the man that they were speaking of. But I've learned that there are so many people who love us and love our kids, and want to be involved, you've just got to let go of the ones that don't.

 

[rbuzzotta]

My SIL always has an excuse as to why she can not attend (aside from the fact she hates her brother, my DH). MIL is in a wheelchair so she comes with SIL or if SIL allows, DH will go to pick her up. BUT, it is never easy. Always comes with a catch of some sort.

At first my kids were naive to it all but now they are older and see how they never show and always an excuse. However, SIL and MIL showed for my oldest's Confirmation last year. WE were SCHOCKED to say the least to see them show. Only to find out shortly after they were there to learn that SIL got engaged and was bragging about her ring etc. Took the spotlight away from DD's day!! My girls soon realized how selfish their Aunt was (although she does not want to be acknowledge as Aunt by my girls, she will be called Aunt by other nieces or friends of the family).

I feel bad for MIL as I think she would like to be a part of our family but because she lives with SIL she feels obligated to her. DH is persistent in that he wants his mom to spend time with us and the girls.

My girls don't even know much about their Aunt. Nor do they care to at this point. One good thing is.........my girls have learned how NOT to be!!!

 

[Loverly]

My DH's sister "forgot to show up for my son's Christening. She was the godmother!
In her defense, their Mom had had open heart surgery a couple days before, and maybe she was upset that I didt reschedule the Christening? Who knows?

 

[DebD4T]

Well, my family and my DH's family pretty much stink at this and I let it go.

BUT, how would ya'll feel 'bout this? For my childrens baptisms we always chose our brothers and sisters for Godparents. We started with our actual blood siblings and when we ran out, we then went on to the SIL's and BIL's. My brother and his wife are both godparents of one of our kids. In fact, I asked SIL to be a GP when she was just engaged to my brother as a way to "welcome" her to the family. (By the way, she stinks at being a GP, nevr remember a card for a birthday, never makes ANY mention of it at all and so does my brother for that matter) SO- years later now and they have their second baby. For their first they used her sister and my brother for the GP"S- made sense at the time, i would expect she would pick her sister (even though the same two people were best man and maid of honor in their wedding, so I thought they were playing favorites a bit too much) but anyway, still made sense. So now it is time for 2nd baby to be baptized. I am the ONLY blood sister left between the two of them. My SIL only has another brother. Don't ya'll think it would make sense they would use her brother and me? I just think it would be fair. I have done EVERYTHING to try to be a good sister. Gave this girl a wedding shower at my home, sent gifts for every occasion. (Ignored how she acted jealous when ever I was pregnant and or cried because she was having trouble getting pregnant, even didn't come to visit my new baby out of jealousy) I just never feel like she wants to be close to me or try. That is fine, if that is the way she wants it, but I am still her husbands sister...I don't understand why she wouldn't let him pick the Godmother this time. I don't understand why my brothers allow their wives to destroy what used to be our very close knit family. I know that wives should come first, but come on, at some point you just have to stand up for what is right. They let their wives walk right over them. This girl is just so spoiled and likes ot have her way. (apparently she wants to have her best friend as GM - my brother is saying it should be me (according to my mother) - but the way she manipulates my brother is she says "I can't make up my mind - this is my only daughter, and I want to be able to pick the GM" (for everything that requires a decision like this she has some new set of rules) and she just waits to the very last second and then he gives in just so that she will make a decision. Anyway, I am VERY hurt that apparently I will not be GM, even if she DID ask me, at this point it is obvious she didn't really want me as GM and I would want to decline. Would you all be hurt by this or shrug it off?

ETA- by the way, just received the invitation to this ,and even though I have missed a bunch of events to be present at all of their funtions including their oldest childs birthdays, I really don't feel like making such an effort and driving such a long way for this...I think I will be very hurt to sit and watch someone that is not even related to the baby hold my neice at her baptism. It would just be insulting.

I may be in the minority here, and I certainly don't mean to insult you, but I think you are totally wrong here. While it would be nice to have blood relatives as God parents before asking "outsiders" , what it really comes down to is who the parents want. It seems as you feel that she is obligated to ask you since you asked her.

I'm just curious, who is she asking to be Godfather?

 

[budbeerlady]

We dont expect it and we dont attend everything either. By the time Dh and I are done working we both have close to 50 hrs in each a week. The weekends are our family time. If its a drop in stay for 30 min say hello type of event we are more likely to attend than the long drawn out dinner, dessert, gifts, event.

 

[MareQ]

That is fine, if that is the way she wants it, but I am still her husbands sister... Anyway, I am VERY hurt that apparently I will not be GM, even if she DID ask me, at this point it is obvious she didn't really want me as GM and I would want to decline. Would you all be hurt by this or shrug it off?

ETA- by the way, just received the invitation to this ,and even though I have missed a bunch of events to be present at all of their funtions including their oldest childs birthdays, I really don't feel like making such an effort and driving such a long way for this...I think I will be very hurt to sit and watch someone that is not even related to the baby hold my neice at her baptism. It would just be insulting.

I can see being disappointed but not hurt or this angry over that. CERTAINLY not to the point where I would even consider for ONE SECOND not attending a celebration for the baby.

You are basically saying the mother chose wrong because you are "blood" and her friend is not and only blood related individuals should be a godparent to a child. This is where cracks in families begin. When in-laws and other relatives start judging decisions because they go against what they would have done.

Sorry but IMO you are overreacting. This is not your decision to make, and if you cannot go and celebrate and be happy for your niece and her family then SIL made a wise choice.

 

[mom2aredhead]

The only way I would be upset is if the grandparents never show up for my son's events but never miss the other grandkids events.

Its getting tough to explain to my kid why grandma never comes to his birthday party but is always at his cousins. Or their soccer games, but not his. Or their house to babysit, but never his.

Because apparently its easier to do things with them since we live much further away...by 20 minutes, over 1 bridge, and an $8.00 toll which I have offered to pay for.

 

[Merriwind]

OP, your situation really sounds like just a misunderstanding. Not worth the time or effort of being upset or angry over.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Well, my family and my DH's family pretty much stink at this and I let it go.

BUT, how would ya'll feel 'bout this?

Talulabelle, I shortened up your quote. I understand what you are saying. I never understand when one spouse (in this case your brother) doesn't say something or make the effort to have balance.

Godparent choosing (I'm Catholic) is such a personal thing. I'm sorry your SIL is being that way. Everyone will view this differently, but I see this is as your brother and it would be nice for him to stand up and say you should be included (especially since this isn't their first child).

I feel that just because your the guy's sister it doesn't make you less in any way. My family is very sibling oriented, and we do siblings first on both sides before moving on to other people.

As far as attending, I think you still need to go. It's to celebrate the child, their always the innocent in these things. Don't let your SIL get to you.

 

[talulabelle]

I can see being disappointed but not hurt or this angry over that. CERTAINLY not to the point where I would even consider for ONE SECOND not attending a celebration for the baby.

You are basically saying the mother chose wrong because you are "blood" and her friend is not and only blood related individuals should be a godparent to a child. This is where cracks in families begin. When in-laws and other relatives start judging decisions because they go against what they would have done.

Sorry but IMO you are overreacting. This is not your decision to make, and if you cannot go and celebrate and be happy for your niece and her family then SIL made a wise choice.

I didn't say I was not going to go, just that with my children and their busy schedules it is EXTREMELY difficult for us to carve out an entire weekend and make the trip to go. I never thought twice about doing it before (because I teach my kids that famiy comes first)....just said that this time Ireally don't feel like making the effort, and that it will hurt to sit there and have to watch it. I'm probably going to make the sacrifice and go for the babies sake, but I am not happy about it.

I posted the story to see what others thought, and I fully expected for people to say I was over-reacting...I know it is the parents choice, but it still hurts. Just the way I am, family is first. If I were in their position (and I have been in their position many times) it would not even be a decision for me, my husbands sister would be the obvious choice. I feel they are making it official they don't want me in their lives, that a friend is more important in their lives than I am.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Tallulabelle, I think you may have missed my post right above yours.

 

[npmommie]

I have to agree. That invitation sounded like you didn't really want her there and were just inviting her to be polite. I don't take "You can come if you want but you don't have to" to be a real invitation. I get this all the time from my sister. If you really want someone to be there you say "We'd like for you to come" and leave it at that.

Well that is not exactly how I said it!! I don't remember exactly, but it was along the lines of we are having this, and hope you can come but if you can't don't worry.

I'm the only SIL to a family of girls. (My DH has 4 sisters)

Even after 30+ years, I'm the outsider. What is "SOP" for your family may be very, very different for someone else. If I had gotten the OP's invite from one of my SILs, I would have felt that I wasn't really welcome without my DH, but was only being asked to be polite. And further comments have shown that the OP doesn't appear to be terribly fond of this SIL to begin with. Most people are perceptive enough to pick up on that sort of thing, so your backhanded invitation just reinforced her suspicions.

Looks as if both the OP and her SIL are holding a grudge, and unless one of them is willing to be the bigger person and apologize, things are not going to improve.

Maybe I was unclear, we did clear this up a long time ago, right after it happened, I apologized for making her feel she wasn't welcome and let her know it was not my intention, it really wasn't, I really was only trying to be nice and let her know If she didn't want to come, especially since bil was working, it would be ok.

what i guess bugs me, is at the time, she should have said something before the fact. its not like we don't talk all the time, she should have called me on it then, and said i was making her feel that way. and i would have cleared it up immediately,
in reality i thought i was helping her out, giving her an out ya know, because I know she doesn't like going to kid things, she doesn't have any of her own, and she doesn't act like a"kid" person if you know what i mean.

 

[talulabelle]

Tallulabelle, I think you may have missed my post right above yours.

I see it now, thanks for understanding. We are Catholic too, and maybe that is part of why I can't understand this. In our religion, the GP's are not just an honor to be handed out, but it is a position of responsibility. If something was to happen to the parents, it would be the GP'd responsibility to make sure the child received Catholic teaching and was continuing to be taught religion as the parents would have taught. I am a very devout Catholic, and would take the responsibility seriously. The friend in question is Catholic in name only, not really practicing. I mean, if something were to happen to the parents, this friend would not be involved in the babies life, but i would be.

I have no idea who the GF is going to be. It seems that is being a point of discussion as well.

What is funny is only 1 GP has to be a practicing Catholic, the other can be named as an honor. Her sister is not Catholic (athesist I think) but she was able to be GM because my brother is practicing. Now one of her excuses for not using me is that then they would have to use her brother so he wouldn't be hurt, and he is not Catholic. So the rules that applied last time don't apply this time. Now she doesn't want a GP that is not Catholic. He would still be OK, since I am practicing, so it would fill the requirment, just like it did for the first kid. But now she is saying since he is not Catholic, they better just use friends so her brother won't be hurt. (basically, her brother is a moron, and she doesn't care if she has him or not, but using the excuse to not hurt his feelings, is a tidy way of keeping me out)

 

[Beth76]

Well that is not exactly how I said it!! I don't remember exactly, but it was along the lines of we are having this, and hope you can come but if you can't don't worry.

Same difference. It's not up to you to give her an "out". You extend the invitation. She then gets to decide if she wants to go or not.

Anytime you qualify an invitation with an "out" really takes away from the sincerity of it. An invitation is not a demand. The recipients are free to choose whether or not they attend. When you give someone an out that means you think they don't want to come. Why would they want to come if the host thinks they don't want to be there. It's really passive-aggressive.

I understand that this may not have been your intent. But I'm just letting you know how it looked to your SIL.

 

[Mono~rail]

Well that is not exactly how I said it!! I don't remember exactly, but it was along the lines of we are having this, and hope you can come but if you can't don't worry.


Maybe I was unclear, we did clear this up a long time ago, right after it happened, I apologized for making her feel she wasn't welcome and let her know it was not my intention, it really wasn't, I really was only trying to be nice and let her know If she didn't want to come, especially since bil was working, it would be ok.

If you cleared it up years ago shortly after the incident, then why are you still mad? Obviously, it hasn't been cleared up.

Why in the world you are mad at your SIL, I don't know. You told her she didn't have to come so she didn't come. She didn't do anything wrong, and especially nothing for you to be mad at years later.

 

[MAKmom]

My DH's sister "forgot to show up for my son's Christening. She was the godmother!
In her defense, their Mom had had open heart surgery a couple days before, and maybe she was upset that I didt reschedule the Christening? Who knows?

My SIL was a bridesmaid & did not show up

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Same difference. It's not up to you to give her an "out". You extend the invitation. She then gets to decide if she wants to go or not.

Anytime you qualify an invitation with an "out" really takes away from the sincerity of it. An invitation is not a demand. The recipients are free to choose whether or not they attend. When you give someone an out that means you think they don't want to come. Why would they want to come if the host thinks they don't want to be there. It's really passive-aggressive.

I understand that this may not have been your intent. But I'm just letting you know how it looked to your SIL.

I have to agree here. I think the wording of your invite was tacky and hurtful.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Have you ever had a family member not show up for something for your child? like birthday party, christening, etc........?
did you get upset, hold a grudge, or just let it go as its their loss anyway?

Let it go!!! Life is too short!!!

Nope... I feel that to have 'expectations' of others is a bit self -centered. I do not feel that anyone 'owes' anyone else.

I feel that people are free to make their own decisions, based on their own schedules and their own feelings.

If people are able to share a wonderful occasion, then great!!!

If not, then that is either just one of those unavoidable things, or 'their decision - their loss'.

Of course there are times where there are other issues, where a person is trying to be passive aggressive... grandparents ignoring some grandchildren while showering others with attention, etc... That is a whole different issue.

But, do I 'expect' anyone to automatically show up??? Nope, not at all.

Remember, if somebody doesn't show up... remember, you can NOT control other peoples actions/decisions.. only your own!