family members coming empty handed

[Planogirl]

I agree that Christmas is about family getting together however it's unfair when one person does all of the work year after year. I would just announce that I was taking a break from having the dinner.

 

[mickeysgal]

Grinchy? Maybe.

OP, this is beyond a guest bringing or not bringing a token bottle of wine or a jello mold. Sounds like you're burnt out of hosting each and every family holiday dinner. 18 years of continuous dinners is a long time to not share that love.

My guess is that he's gotten so used to not bringing anything that he views this as ok. If no one steps up and says something, then shame on them. If everyone is willing to look the other way, then so be it.

Time for change and time to speak up. It's ok to say, I'm no longer hosting. It's ok to suggest a restaurant. It's ok to travel to avoid the stress of getting a house ready, pulling together a dinner, funding the dinner.

Then again, some people are so locked into having it at their house and doing it their way, then complaining when others won't do what they want.

Be sure that you want the change to occur. Do you not enjoy hosting the family dinner so much that you're willing to make a change in the opposite direction? Is the casserole. dessert, etc. that he didn't bring worth it? We all have those semi-clueless relatives that miss the obvious hints and direct requests to bring something.

Speak up, and hope for the best. If you're still unhappy, make a change, and don't look back.

As far as mom not helping in the kitchen, she's probably done years of KP duty. Time to pass the torch and let her sit and relax. That is grinchy to expect her to help.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

As far as helping afterwards, I always find it awkward to do much in someone else's kitchen. I'm not a slob and I clean up after my family and pick up floating plates and trash, but usually, I find that the host has their own system(certain things get washed this way and other things go on this counter and not that counter, some things don't get washed, just wiped, the dishwasher gets loaded a certain way,etc). I guess I'm that way also. When I host, I don't really want my guests to help clean because I would rather see them having fun and enjoying the company. Sometimes guests don't know how to be helpful, so if you need help you need to ask and be specific.

I feel the same way!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

Do you need him to contribute for financial reasons? If so, before the next gathering talk to him about it.

 

[Jennasis]

If hosting is going to cause you such resentment then don't host anymore. Do it because you want to...do it because you enjoy it. Don't do it out of obligation. Otherwise you end up like...well...a grinch.

 

[Arielle22]

I have 6 siblings and we all gather for major holidays. For about 10 years I hosted all get togethers because my house was the biggest. As my sisters bought homes we split certain holidays. They hosted summer holidays and Thanksgiving while I hosted Christmas and Easter.

My brother bought a larger home with a pool three years ago and has hosted summer holidays at the pool. A few weeks ago he asked to take over Christmas. I was thrilled since I was burnt out after 19 years.

However no matter where the holiday is being held, my family knows that we are all responsible for bringing the food and beverages while the host family supplies the main dish and takes care of cleaning up. My oldest brother is is his 50s and single. He has always been responsible for chips (in the summer) or soda (in the winter). He doesn't cook so we know he won't screw up chips or soda.

It was odd for us to go to my brother's yesterday. It was harder in some ways (packing the car) but easier in others (no lingering guests or mess to clean up). My brother's home is centrally located for all siblings which makes it easier.

For the PP who was upset with their mother, I would not ask my mom or MIL to help clean up. They both took care of DH and myself when we were young so it is our turn now.

 

[goofyintoronto]

why? I assuming that the family member who is "hosting" wants to do it? They know or have some indication of how much it cost right?

Like I said I just don't believe in giving gifts (dinners etc) with strings attached. If you can't afford or are going to kevitch about the cost and the fact that guest aren't bringing stuff, then don't host.

What's the purpose behind Christmas dinner? In my house its to see loved ones and friends.

once again, i agree. I told my sister the same thing yesterday when she started complaining about how much work it is to cook, even thou her guests were bringing half of the food, no joke. when she complained about the guests not helping clean up right away and called them lazy ###### under her breath, I told her DONT HOST next year if your going to complain all the time. You clearly dont want to host. Hosting xmas dinner turns you into a monster. So dont host next year. I think she got the hint.

Sent from my Galaxy SII

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think you are being grinchy at all but I do see both sides sort of.

My mil has Christmas every Christmas eve. Every year she has something different. This year it was finger foods next year it might me a full meal with turkey and ham and another year it may be gumbo. One year we got there and aje didn't serve food at all! Its hard to know what to bring and if ask she either says nothing or anything. (I have decided to just always take some kind of dessert)

At my moms we normally do a potluck with everyone sort or signing up doe something. This year my sister went nuts and spent a week cooking and ordering food. She brought way more food than we could have possibly eaten and there I was on the 23rd trying to figure out what in earth to fix . I brought home what I fixed there was just too much food.

I think everyone should contribute to family holidays but you may need to be specific about what he should bring.

 

[ez]

yes I think you're right that there is an overall burnout occurring, and a feeling of unappreciation. For example, we are talking dinner, but when my parents and brother come, they stay the whole entire day. I know if we went to a restaurant, they would still want to come over afterward and spend the rest of the day. Say on Christmas Eve they arrive at 6 and leave at 11. Then on Christmas Day my mother gets upset if I don't want them over before 3, and then they stay for a good part of the evening again.

My brother is a successful businessman in the community, and I know he would never arrive at a dinner at someone elses house emptyhanded. So there is that unappreciated feeling again. Also I'm not talking about cleaning someones kitchen Im talking about throwing remaining food on a chinet plate in the garbage. Just common sense and common courtesy is all I am looking for.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

yes I think you're right that there is an overall burnout occurring, and a feeling of unappreciation. For example, we are talking dinner, but when my parents and brother come, they stay the whole entire day. I know if we went to a restaurant, they would still want to come over afterward and spend the rest of the day. Say on Christmas Eve they arrive at 6 and leave at 11. Then on Christmas Day my mother gets upset if I don't want them over before 3, and then they stay for a good part of the evening again.

My brother is a successful businessman in the community, and I know he would never arrive at a dinner at someone elses house emptyhanded. So there is that unappreciated feeling again. Also I'm not talking about cleaning someones kitchen Im talking about throwing remaining food on a chinet plate in the garbage. Just common sense and common courtesy is all I am looking for.

It is really hard for me to understand not being able to communicate this to your brother.

Is there a reason why you can't say "hey brother, it is your turn to clean up XYZ" or "how about you bring XYZ to the party"?

 

[RitaE]

I was always really uncomfortable trying to help clean in my SIL's kitchen because she was so particular about how it had to be done. I swear if I tried to dry something then it should be left on a towel to dry. If I laid out a towel and tried to air dry something then it needed to be dried and put away immediately.
Some things had to go in the dishwasher and some could never go in the dishwasher and I never knew where anything went and it seems like she was always rearranging too.

She was never huffy about it but I always felt like a complete worthless clod trying to help her.

OP, book a cruise for next year and take a year off.

 

[Christine]

I was always really uncomfortable trying to help clean in my SIL's kitchen because she was so particular about how it had to be done. I swear if I tried to dry something then it should be left on a towel to dry. If I laid out a towel and tried to air dry something then it needed to be dried and put away immediately.
Some things had to go in the dishwasher and some could never go in the dishwasher and I never knew where anything went and it seems like she was always rearranging too.

She was never huffy about it but I always felt like a complete worthless clod trying to help her.

OP, book a cruise for next year and take a year off.

I have the same issue in my MIL's kitchen. She has a real set way of doing things and I always felt, like you said "a worthless clod." I finally stop getting up to help. I'm sure she's complaining about that on a message board somewhere!

 

[mickeysgal]

yes I think you're right that there is an overall burnout occurring, and a feeling of unappreciation. For example, we are talking dinner, but when my parents and brother come, they stay the whole entire day. I know if we went to a restaurant, they would still want to come over afterward and spend the rest of the day. Say on Christmas Eve they arrive at 6 and leave at 11. Then on Christmas Day my mother gets upset if I don't want them over before 3, and then they stay for a good part of the evening again.
My brother is a successful businessman in the community, and I know he would never arrive at a dinner at someone elses house emptyhanded. So there is that unappreciated feeling again. Also I'm not talking about cleaning someones kitchen Im talking about throwing remaining food on a chinet plate in the garbage. Just common sense and common courtesy is all I am looking for.

Not trying to sound harsh, but seem to be totally not in control of this situation. It's your house. If you don't want anyone one there before 3pm, then speak up. If you go to a restaurant and don't want anyone there afterwards, speak up. It's ok to say, we want to have some quiet time alone. You've become a willing doormat. Speak up. Or stop hosting and feel no guilt about it. No one is making you do all this. It's ok to make a change. If you say no to the next dinner, someone will pick up the ball and run with it....whether it be hosting it at their house, suggesting a restaurant, etc. And if they don't, so be it.

Again, look deep into your heart and decide what YOU want it to be. If you like the overall family gathering, then do it because you WANT to, not because you've been TOLD to. You have to take all the bad (cleanup, not bringing items) with the good.

 

[mfd25wife]

I always host Christmas Day. I don't mind and don't ask for contributions, but my stepmother does always bring cookies and a pie. We always exchange presents, but a couple of years ago, my brother and SIL decided they really just want to give cards to everyone. I can't just give them cards since we get presents for everyone else, but we get them something small. My only complaint is that we never know if they are actually coming. At least half the time, she or they both will decide at the last minute they are staying home. It's a little frustrating not knowing how much to cook. This year was especially so. We have a friend who due to a recent surgery said she was worried about dinner. We invited them (7 in that family) and bought extra food. The day before, my friend was saying "wellll, we will probably come but haven't made up our minds". 7 is not the same as 1 since we were planning a full meal. So, this year we had to plan on 9 coming that we really had no idea if they would.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I'm always shocked at the amount of threads on this board that could have been simply resolved by actually talking to the sibling. My sis always knows what I'm thinking! And the bro who didn't bring the beer would have been marched right to his car to get it before he got food and pizza sil would have been told to make it herself!

 

[eliza61]

I completely agree with you.

To me (and I'm sure eliza will disagree) hosting a party or get-together is the host's responsiblity but a regular yearly family gathering like Christmas that is hosted by one family year after year after year I don't see anything at all wrong with asking others to bring something.

It takes a lot to get ready to host a big family meal and if one person does it every year, all the rest of the family are getting off pretty easy by just bringing one or two items to the party.

We host Christmas EVERY year at our house and I always ask my two adult children to bring something. This year our DD brought meatballs in her crockpot, and DS brought Li'l Smokies in his. They both asked what else they could bring so obviously they weren't offended at being asked.ell.

Happy New Year MIG, actually I agree with you but in this instance the host didn't ask. Holiday dinners after tricky in that some times one family can end up hosting year after year.
The second problem I have is the very common assumption that some ones wealth means they should "have" to do some thing.
But you are right, I totally don't host any thing unless I can cover the cost from soup to nuts.

 

[Becky2005]

I guess it all depends. In my family, if we are hosting, we fully expect to provide the entire meal and NOT expect anyone to bring anything.

On the flip side, my SIL will call us asking us what we want to bring to her house when it is time to host the holiday. I don't mind either way...just tell me what you want me to bring.

It just drives ME crazy when she calls and asks what she can bring when we are hosting because usually everything is taken care of & I just find it so much easier to just go to the store and get what we need rather than giving her a list (if you say something generic, you will get a call a couple days before hand asking "how many should I bring? What brand exactly?", etc...). I know she is trying to be polite but I would much rather they just show up. I have everything under control.

So...I'm one of those people that if you say you don't need anything, I believe what you tell me and will show up empty handed & if you say "I need you to bring some potato chips" -- I'll get potato chips.

I also learned long ago -- stay out of people's way in the kitchen unless they ASK for your help. Everyone has their way of doing things in the kitchen and it can get rather dicey if you do something not exactly their way.

 

[clutter]

I agree that you need to speak up if you don't like your situation.

 

[MIGrandma]

For the PP who was upset with their mother, I would not ask my mom or MIL to help clean up. They both took care of DH and myself when we were young so it is our turn now.

I wasn't upset that she didn't help, I just thought it was odd that she didn't even offer. I couldn't go to either of my kids' homes for a dinner that they planned specifically for ME, and not offer to help. Now if I offered and my help was declined, then fine, but to not even offer would be pretty rude on my part I think. And as far as dinner yesterday, if Mom would have offered to help and I told her no, then that would be different. But to not even offer to dry dishes seemed kind of rude to me when the dinner we had was planned specifically for HER as we had had our regular family Christmas gathering (again, at our house) on Sunday but she would have been alone on Christmas Day and I didn't want that, so we had her come out for dinner. Heck, even my granddaughters had manners enough (age 10 and 13) to come out to the kitchen on Sunday and offer their help.

As far as mom not helping in the kitchen, she's probably done years of KP duty. Time to pass the torch and let her sit and relax. That is grinchy to expect her to help.

Grinchy that I thought it was odd she didn't even offer to help dry a few dishes? Hmmm, okay....but just so you know, she doesn't cook. Ever. She rarely cooked while I was growing up. Holiday dinners were usually either at our house or my Aunt and Uncle's, and my grandparents were there as well. Clean-up was done by ALL the women, not just the host. Me included when I was old enough to be of some real help. So I don't think it was "grinchy" to think it odd that she wouldn't even offer to help.

 

[Stitchfans]

My theory is most men are clueless when it comes to that kind of stuff. And in most cases it's the woman behind the man that makes that kind of stuff come out. Next year make sure you ask him to bring something or pitch in to help....then if he doesn't bring anything you can get your feathers in a ruffle....

ITA with everything said in this post. Did not read on.