family members coming empty handed

[15isto2]

How about a family meal at a resturaunt or getting it catered and spliting the cost?

 

[mickeysgal]

How about a family meal at a resturaunt or getting it catered and spliting the cost?

Sometimes trying to get repayment from family is just as bad. But I agree, it's worth a shot.

 

[Mkrop]

I have two brothers and I have learned long ago that I speak up if I want something done, they are not mind readers. So if I wanted them to bring something I would say "Hey bro could you bring..."

Every other year we go to my DH's cousin's house, she is very particular, so even though I ask her every year if we can bring something she says no, and we do have a 2 hour car ride. We send flowers beforehand though.

Also since you think you know your brother's finances, maybe he thinks he knows yours and that hosting a dinner like this is no big deal

 

[snapppyd]

I think it's common courtesy to bring something. We believe in "ringing the bell with our elbows" (meaning your hands are too full). If someone goes to to trouble of opening their home and cooking you a meal the least you can do is bring a bottle of wine, a loaf of bread, a dessert, etc.

 

[ez]

Really finances have nothing to do with it only to bring up the fact that he is not destitute and he could certainly afford to bring a small something. Would you seriously not bring something to a dinner party because you "knew" the people were rich?

 

[mickeysgal]

I wasn't upset that she didn't help, I just thought it was odd that she didn't even offer. I couldn't go to either of my kids' homes for a dinner that they planned specifically for ME, and not offer to help. Now if I offered and my help was declined, then fine, but to not even offer would be pretty rude on my part I think. And as far as dinner yesterday, if Mom would have offered to help and I told her no, then that would be different. But to not even offer to dry dishes seemed kind of rude to me when the dinner we had was planned specifically for HER as we had had our regular family Christmas gathering (again, at our house) on Sunday but she would have been alone on Christmas Day and I didn't want that, so we had her come out for dinner. Heck, even my granddaughters had manners enough (age 10 and 13) to come out to the kitchen on Sunday and offer their help.



Grinchy that I thought it was odd she didn't even offer to help dry a few dishes? Hmmm, okay....but just so you know, she doesn't cook. Ever. She rarely cooked while I was growing up. Holiday dinners were usually either at our house or my Aunt and Uncle's, and my grandparents were there as well. Clean-up was done by ALL the women, not just the host. Me included when I was old enough to be of some real help. So I don't think it was "grinchy" to think it odd that she wouldn't even offer to help.

Maybe she's like the OP's brother. Needs to be told.

In general, when anyone starts to get even slightly resentful of what people do do, what they don't do, don't bring, how long they stay, etc., it's time to move on and let someone else host. Better that than those that silently fume afterwards and burn up the phone lines with drama complaining to others.

If I invite someone to my house, no matter if they're family or not, I don't get even slightly angry or resentful if they don't offer to help or bring something. I want them to come because they're a guest in my house and I want them there - with no further expectation.

 

[ez]

I think it's common courtesy to bring something. We believe in "ringing the bell with our elbows" (meaning your hands are too full). If someone goes to to trouble of opening their home and cooking you a meal the least you can do is bring a bottle of wine, a loaf of bread, a dessert, etc.

yes thank you, as simple as that!

 

[Saphire]

I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

Nope, not at all. I have found through years of hosting that (in general) those who have never done it just don't get. They don't understand the work behind it or the cost. So this year I did ask a single 30 something guy to bring soda. Dinner for ten, and he came with four 12 oz cans. I guess he thought I meant to bring soda just for him?

 

[PrincessShmoo]

In our family it goes like this. Usually we are the ones that host, but not always. I plan the meal, if I need someone to bring stuff I ask them. Not everyone gets asked, and I stagger from year to year who brings stuff. Sometimes someone who I didn't ask to bring something, calls and want to know if they should bring something. I just tell them it's their year off from supplying food. Sometimes they still bring something of their picking.

I think it's all about having the family there, not who brings stuff.

 

[babyrich]

Usually on Christmas Day we go to my in laws... I always ask if we can bring anything and we are always told no. We also do not help clean up because my MIL cleans while we eat... she can never sit still. The most I do is scrape my plate and put it on the counter. I asked to wash the dishes several times and she says no.

My DH wouldnt dream of asking his parents if he could bring something. Its his parents.. why would he bring something... so he says... I'm guessing your brother feels the same way. He probably doesnt feel this as a guest and host situation and just thinks its family and youre making dinner. Tell him to bring something next time.

 

[WDSearcher]

I wasn't upset that she didn't help, I just thought it was odd that she didn't even offer. I couldn't go to either of my kids' homes for a dinner that they planned specifically for ME, and not offer to help. Now if I offered and my help was declined, then fine, but to not even offer would be pretty rude on my part I think. And as far as dinner yesterday, if Mom would have offered to help and I told her no, then that would be different. But to not even offer to dry dishes seemed kind of rude to me when the dinner we had was planned specifically for HER as we had had our regular family Christmas gathering (again, at our house) on Sunday but she would have been alone on Christmas Day and I didn't want that, so we had her come out for dinner. Heck, even my granddaughters had manners enough (age 10 and 13) to come out to the kitchen on Sunday and offer their help.

Does she understand that you planned and cooked an entire dinner especially for HER? And that, by doing so, she is expected to at least offer to help clean up, even though you'd probably tell her no anyway? Come on -- how much mind is she expected to read? You're saying that she's being rude because she's not behaving as YOU would behave. And yet ... even if she did ask, you'd say no anyway, so ... what exactly do you want this woman to do, and why don't you just flat out ask her to dry or whatever?

Grinchy that I thought it was odd she didn't even offer to help dry a few dishes? Hmmm, okay....but just so you know, she doesn't cook. Ever. She rarely cooked while I was growing up. Holiday dinners were usually either at our house or my Aunt and Uncle's, and my grandparents were there as well. Clean-up was done by ALL the women, not just the host. Me included when I was old enough to be of some real help. So I don't think it was "grinchy" to think it odd that she wouldn't even offer to help.

I actually think it's grinchy that you all stayed in the kitchen to immediately clean up when you had a guest in the living room. Really ... did it have to be taken care of the second the meal was over? Maybe have a little down time in the living room, chat, show off gifts, whatever. Then everyone gets up to clean the kitchen and grandma is asked to help out.

The biggest thing, though, is that you should never assume that someone else thinks just like you do. Just because you would have automatically asked to help doesn't mean everyone else will. If you want something, ask.

 

[WDSearcher]

yes thank you, as simple as that!

But again ... since you've apparently been doing this gathering for quite some time and he's never once brought anything, how many more times will it take before you finally figure out that he's clueless and needs to be asked?

I mean ... seriously ... it's been over a decade and he never brings anything and you've never once thought, "Gee ... I guess I should ask him to bring something"?

 

[kamik86]

I understand why this would be annoying. Everyone over a certain age in our family is expected to help with dinner. The age is pretty much when you get past college age. No one expected me to bring anything when I was in college and now the 18 and 19 year olds aren't expected to bring anything (although even they do cookies or something small like that on occasion)

However I am not sure if all families do it this way so maybe everyone doesn't just understand that they are supposed to bring something?

 

[DaisyD]

I don't ask or expect my family to bring anything when invited for dinner. I do Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and I do it because I enjoy it. I love to cook, love to see my family, and just love the Holidays in general. I'm of the mindset that if you can't afford it don't host it. I wouldn't ask friends of family to pony up anything unless it is a pot luck.

For New Years Eve, I am part of a group of 8 friends that host the party. Each year one of us has it at our house. In this instance everyone brings food, even the guests above and beyond the 8 of us that "host" it. We are expecting 60 people this year. The invitation though is to bring yourself and if you would like to then bring a dish too though not mandatory. We 8 will have more then enough food to feed everyone just incase no one brings things but I am positive we will have tons of food.

Either you want to have a regular meal and pay for it all or you want to have a pot luck. Nothing wrong with either but you have to set it up beforehand so everyone knows what to expect.

 

[kamik86]

Does she understand that you planned and cooked an entire dinner especially for HER? And that, by doing so, she is expected to at least offer to help clean up, even though you'd probably tell her no anyway? Come on -- how much mind is she expected to read? You're saying that she's being rude because she's not behaving as YOU would behave. And yet ... even if she did ask, you'd say no anyway, so ... what exactly do you want this woman to do, and why don't you just flat out ask her to dry or whatever?


I actually think it's grinchy that you all stayed in the kitchen to immediately clean up when you had a guest in the living room. Really ... did it have to be taken care of the second the meal was over? Maybe have a little down time in the living room, chat, show off gifts, whatever. Then everyone gets up to clean the kitchen and grandma is asked to help out.

The biggest thing, though, is that you should never assume that someone else thinks just like you do. Just because you would have automatically asked to help doesn't mean everyone else will. If you want something, ask.

To add on to my previous post I do agree though that you need to ask some people if you want them to help.

My husband for example tends to try to stay out of the kitchen because its so busy. I think he still feels a bit like he is in the way at times where since the rest of us lived there for a while or in the case of my nieces have been over there every so often since birth we all feel right at home. However if you ask him to help he will gladly help out (so he is the go to person for that thing us short woman can't reach or the jar that just won't open as well as those tasks where you just need an extra hand to accomplish without making a mess)

 

[kirstenb1]

If that's how people feel, though, then why host at all? It's not like the world will end if someone doesn't host Christmas dinner. Where's the rule that says "any single sibling must be invited over for dinner on holidays"? I mean sure ... it's nice, but it's not mandatory. If OP (or anyone else) doesn't want to host, then they shouldn't host. But if they DO host, it should be with happiness and generosity. Not with a scorecard.

I host to honor and thank my mother honestly!! I do enjoy seeing my siblings, but the above is my primary reason!!

 

[goofyintoronto]

I don't really host because I want to I more or less am stuck with it. My parents can't go thru the trouble and my brother won't I guess. So it's not really like I am throwing a party it's more like we are having Christmas with my family (hubby and kids) and my parents and brother assume they are coming. Its like "what time should we come over" rather than me asking if they want to. Like yesterday I didn't even invite my brother my mother said she texted him and told him they were on their way. So he was technically never invited by me, just sayin.

So you have issues with your brother i see. You didn't invite him, and noticed when your mom said he's on his way over as well. ON CHRISTMAS. wow. This goes beyond him not helping or bringing anything. Sorry but you really dont have to host, no matter what, next year simply indicate your not hosting and leave it at that. Its better than being bitter and complaining about your brother behind his back.

Sent from my Galaxy SII

 

[disykat]

No. Family holiday gatherings are not spontaneous gatherings that a host plans. They are generally occasions where there is a mutual interest in (or obligation to) get together. In many families one person, for whatever reason, becomes the go to house for practical considerations, not because they want to host.

It is rare that I've been to a family holiday gathering that is truly "hosted.". It is usual that the family is grateful that one person has opened their home for us to gather. The "gift" is the space, which having hosted many affairs, I know is a lot of work in itself.

I agree. I've never been to a holiday meal that was "hosted" like a dinner party. Totally different deal when you're dealing with family.

Seriously? You think a better solution to this is to stop the gathering rather than to just casually ask the brother, "hey, I could use some help with Christmas this year, could you bring appetizers/wine/dessert"?

I think this is the best idea. However, I would add that you should ask him to bring something he is familiar with. The example of someone asking their brother who doesn't drink reminded me of this. I hate buying alcohol - I have absolutely no idea what people want or what would taste good since I rarely drink!

 

[eliza61]

Nope, not at all. I have found through years of hosting that (in general) those who have never done it just don't get. They don't understand the work behind it or the cost. So this year I did ask a single 30 something guy to bring soda. Dinner for ten, and he came with four 12 oz cans. I guess he thought I meant to bring soda just for him?

But see that's the problem.
Now you have issues with what they brought.

IMO the problem with making any type of plans and then DEPENDING on some one else to support it, is you're setting yourself up for hard feelings.

He may have thought just a few cans. who knows, but he did come with some thing and now that's not good enough.

I do know about hosting. I love having my annual 4th of July crabfest been doing it for almost 25 years. No one forces me. It gives my family (especially my siblings) an opportunity to see one another since we all live in different states. I do it year after year when I can afford it. If some one brings a dessert or a drink, I thank them but when my budget has been tight, I don't give it. Once again, this is just me but I would never tell my family to come over for dinner then call them up and say "could you bring some snacks". If they ask and most people do "what can I bring". 99.9% of the time I reply "yourself"
Now I also have a very good relationship with my siblings, usually in June they will call and ask me if I'm having my crab party and I'll say yeah or nay.

So let me ask you, totally hypothetical if you ask some one to bring a drink or dessert and they forget or couldn't get it, do they not get invited in? or are you mad?

 

[luvmy3]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

I don't think you are being too grinchy but its been this way for 18 years. I don't understand why you wouldn't have said something to him about it years ago.