family members coming empty handed

[emma'smom]

It's interesting because whenever we're invited to a party, I always offer to bring something...usually an appetizer of sorts (since I like to make them) that goes with the theme. Usually the host takes me up on my offer....one less thing for them and, even if they make something, more than one appetizer is never a bad thing. The few times the event is formal enough that making something to bring isn't appropriate, I take wine or flowers.

 

[DarthKTrava]

We do a lot of pot luck meals. My sister cooks most things but asks Mom and I to bring something and her daughter brings something. Her older son is one of those who doesn't bring anything but himself but I don't know whether or not he's asked to or not....

Perhaps you're just burned out from hosting and providing everything without asking others for assistance, probably not just your brother....

 

[jahber]

I think what I'm reading boils down to different ways of viewing how a family holiday event works. I don't "host" any of my family members in the formal sense of the word--they aren't guests like friends are. Fortunately, we are very close. We usually walk right into each others' houses without knocking and my sister and I practically raise each others' kids. So for us, it's completely appropriate to ask a family member to bring something to dinner. Why ever not? And yes, the family member with the most money contributes the most. We don't compare bank accounts, but we certainly know when a family member has lost a job or had financial difficulty. They may "host," but the rest of us provide the big ticket food items. We're family, after all. And of course I help my SIL wash the dishes when she "hosts". It was awkward at first, but guess what? I LEARNED her system. Now at least she doesn't have to cook AND clean (as much ).

We aren't perfect and this system won't work for everyone. I just think it's funny that people would be scandalized by the idea of asking a family member to bring some rolls when finances are tight and maybe scrape a dish or two.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't expect my family to come with anything at all. I am hosting them and I want to. It is nice if they do bring something and I am grateful but I truly don't care if they do or don't. I invite them because I want to see them. The end.

 

[awoogala]

That's presuming, of course, that I even tolerated the pizzas. I'd be tempted to let the kids go hungry if they didn't want to eat what everyone else had (assuming that there are no massive allergies or special conditions that require an all-pizza diet), or I'd have learned from experience and tossed a pizza in the oven already so that it'd be ready at dinner time in order to avoid any nastiness on a holiday.

Unless a child had major sensory issues/aspergers/medical condition, the entire scenario was rude, rude, rude.
I often tell my kids to suck it up. My one daughter is hugely picky. She ate salad and bread at xmas. that was it. oh well. If I go to a party/home where I know they have fussier food, I will offer to bring a side dish I know she will eat, but I would never bring anything that requires work on the part of the hostess, or insults her meal. We need to teach our kids some manners, and politely sharing a meal without expecting everyone to cater to us is normal behavior.

 

[njcarita]

I will never understand the "guilt" that people allow themselves to be put under. Just say no and be done with it. Yep, you will catch some attitude I'm sure but you have NO reason to be/feel guilty.

i was totally guilted this yr into going to my parents for Christmas eve this yr...... i was and am still sick as a dog ( fever ...chills et ........).............my parents threw the mortality of all my older family members including how it could be their last christmas........ i schlepted me ...my 3 kids ...and husband an hour drive to my parents.......i stayed away from everyone so i wouldnt get them sick..............after this Christmas eve I will NEVER be guilted again......EVER at 48 i made stand.......i just cancelled a trip with my parents and sister i was suppose to be going to 3 hours away .....cause I can hardly get over the couch...... my sister thought I should come anyway and just lay in the hotel so they could hang out with my kids.................SELFISH...huh............. its not like i dont see my parents WEEKLY and my sister can come see my kids whenver she wants............. so i totally understand the guilt..........but I am done...no more ..never again....nope

 

[kirstenb1]

i was totally guilted this yr into going to my parents for Christmas eve this yr...... i was and am still sick as a dog ( fever ...chills et ........).............my parents threw the mortality of all my older family members including how it could be their last christmas........ i schlepted me ...my 3 kids ...and husband an hour drive to my parents.......i stayed away from everyone so i wouldnt get them sick..............after this Christmas eve I will NEVER be guilted again......EVER at 48 i made stand.......i just cancelled a trip with my parents and sister i was suppose to be going to 3 hours away .....cause I can hardly get over the couch...... my sister thought I should come anyway and just lay in the hotel so they could hang out with my kids.................SELFISH...huh............. its not like i dont see my parents WEEKLY and my sister can come see my kids whenver she wants............. so i totally understand the guilt..........but I am done...no more ..never again....nope

I don't even understand how someone could pull that card on someone who's sick, ugh!!! My SIL and one of my nephews had the flu. My brother came to our Christmas Eve gathering with 2 of his sons. I thought that was really nice, but I would have understood if he wanted to stay home with his wife. My SIL has missed family gatherings on both sides since last Saturday; I'm assuming she has a really bad case of the flu, and am glad (a little shallow, I know), that she's not exposing the kids and my parents to the germs. We'll see her again sometime soon in the New Year.

 

[Sadie22]

OMG my brother is the same. One year I DID ask him to bring something. He asked what, I said how about a six pack of beer? The holiday dinner arrives and he still shows up empty handed. I asked him where the beer was and he replied "Why would I bring beer....I don't drink."

UGH!@!?!? I replied "But maybe your hosts do....or the other guests!" To that he simply shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

Gotta love them.

It's not right to ask someone who does not consume alcohol to bring that. Ask for something else.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

When the wise men appeared to see the child Jesus, I'm not sure Mary cared whether they brought anything.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

When the wise men appeared to see the child Jesus, I'm not sure Mary cared whether they brought anything.

Yes, but that was a one time visit, correct? These relatives show up every year and often for every holiday.

 

[jodifla]

When the wise men appeared to see the child Jesus, I'm not sure Mary cared whether they brought anything.

And yet, they did! And thousands of years later, we even all know what they brought!

 

[njcarita]

I don't even understand how someone could pull that card on someone who's sick, ugh!!! My SIL and one of my nephews had the flu. My brother came to our Christmas Eve gathering with 2 of his sons. I thought that was really nice, but I would have understood if he wanted to stay home with his wife. My SIL has missed family gatherings on both sides since last Saturday; I'm assuming she has a really bad case of the flu, and am glad (a little shallow, I know), that she's not exposing the kids and my parents to the germs. We'll see her again sometime soon in the New Year.

oh the GUILT is laid heavy on my side of the family.............but after 48 years enough is enough......i am still in bed sick as a dog............ looks like its the flu.......just hope no one caught it from me.............

 

[Disneybuckeye]

My sister is in the process of going through a divorce. She lives about two hours away from us. She has one son who was not going to be with her on Christmas this year as his father took him to his parents 8 hours away. She had her Christmas with him last Saturday. Anyway, I invited her to our house for Christmas so she was not alone. Our mother was flying in that day to our house too. She said she was not sure what she was doing as she kind of liked the idea of having some alone time in her house as soon to be ex has not moved out yet (don't ask, long story). I told her that was fine, just let me know.

I never heard from her and was so busy I kept forgetting to call. I also had to work on Christmas Eve and did not get home until 2:30 that afternoon. I walked in my house and my mother told me she was on her way. No problem. I had plenty of food. She then walked in with a bunch of appetizers. Great that she brought something, but as I had no idea this was happening I had already bought and made a bunch. Needless to say we ate appetizers for dinner last night and will again tonight. I am glad she came, but I would have cut back on my appetizers had I known.

We had been to her house for six of the last eight Christmas celebrations as she insisted on hosting as her son was the youngest. We always brought the appetizers, alcohol, and breakfast casserole. My parents always brought the meat and potatoes for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. No, I would never go to a family gathering empty handed. I would at least bring a bottle of wine (or a case of beer to my inlaws as they do not drink wine).

She also made the comment that she had no idea why she did not bring some food when she came to our house for Thanksgiving. I did not need anything for that meal, she did not offer, it was not a big deal, but the precedent was set that she arrives empty handed.

 

[TDC Nala]

I don't bring food over to my parents' but I help cook.

Let him know what you'd like him to bring. If he doesn't drink or cook he can go out and buy a cake or some cookies. If he still doesn't bring anything...not much you can do about that unless you want to disinvite him and that might cause more problems than it is worth. It does sound as though you would prefer to disinvite him.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Unless a child had major sensory issues/aspergers/medical condition, the entire scenario was rude, rude, rude.
I often tell my kids to suck it up. My one daughter is hugely picky. She ate salad and bread at xmas. that was it. oh well. If I go to a party/home where I know they have fussier food, I will offer to bring a side dish I know she will eat, but I would never bring anything that requires work on the part of the hostess, or insults her meal. We need to teach our kids some manners, and politely sharing a meal without expecting everyone to cater to us is normal behavior.

Totally agree. I will accommodate allergies, but I will not accommodate picky eaters. Sorry. This includes, as a guest, bringing a side dish for my son. My son knows this. If he does like what is served, too bad. Munch on bread or salad. Lol! Luckily my son eats pretty much anything.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

as for the sibling who brought pizza for her kids because they won't eat anything else...Not hard to set the stuff out so she can heat up the pizzas she brought and prepare them for serving herself.

 

[pacrosby]

I'm always shocked at the amount of threads on this board that could have been simply resolved by actually talking to the sibling. My sis always knows what I'm thinking! And the bro who didn't bring the beer would have been marched right to his car to get it before he got food and pizza sil would have been told to make it herself!

Unfortunately these kinds of complaints are all too common because so many people just expect that everyone else should just know better. Because they think that their way is the only 'right' way. Because they refuse to acknowledge that there may not be only one 'right' way.

I'm not a fan of the concept of the hostess gift (it ranks right up there with goody bags for children's parties). When I host, and that includes family, I do so because I want to.... I want people to bring themselves and I really don't want them to bring anything else. I don't need another bottle of wine to store (or throw out) when the party is over so please don't waste your hard earned money. I have spent many hours deciding on the perfect menu, and many more hours making appetizers/dessert for X number of people (and then some) and really don't have enough room in my refrigerator for any more leftovers. Maybe this doesn't make sense to some but it is my 'right' way of doing things. Perhaps I should I get mad at those who insist on bringing me things that I really don't want/need?

The way I see it is simple. If you want someone to bring/do something, ask them. Don't just expect that they should know and then get mad because they don't. I had a SIL who was famous for this....always getting mad at people who didn't do things the way she thought they should be done, and holding grudges when they didn't live up to her expectations. She just never seemed to recognize that not everyone thinks/does things the same way. It's been six years now since I've seen or talked to her or my brother. Sometimes people really do lose sight of what's truly important.

 

[WDSearcher]

I think the thing that strikes me most about vents like this is that they always start with a statement of longevity: "We've been doing this for 10 / 12 / 18 years and never once in all that time has he / she / they ...." It never seems to be the case that it's the first year something happened and they're not sure if they should speak up or not. It's always after decades of this kind of treatment. And I'm thinking to myself, "If they've been doing it this way for that long and you've never said anything, why now? What was the tipping point?" along with, "Why haven't you just ASKED?"

And then when the OP is asked why they don't just ask their mother / brother / friend to do whatever it is they're mad about, the OP disappears and we never get an answer.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

No, you are not being 'grinchy'.
And, I would totally ignore those who are pointing any fingers here.
You are totally correct in not responding.

OP: It is NEVER too late to do the right thing!!!!

 

[jennyjinx3]

It's not right to ask someone who does not consume alcohol to bring that. Ask for something else.

Trust me...he will consume it when someone else is providing it. That just sounded good at the time.