family members coming empty handed

[Rylee]

... and pizza sil would have been told to make it herself!

I'm not shy, or timid about being assertive or defending my position. However, there's a time and place for everything. Have you ever been a guest in a home when a disagreement or argument took place? I have and it's very uncomfortable, it makes people want to run for the doors. As a hostess, (or a guest) I would never do that. As the hostess, it's important to make sure everyone is having a good time and enjoying themselves. I wouldn't risk ruining my own party to confront a guest about their thoughtlessness.

In the case of my SiL's, (2 selfish, spoiled, drama queens) they have caused enough pain and grief, especially over holiday gatherings, that the decision to never entertain them again, was an easy one. (They still manage to cause drama, but at least not in my home.) If it had been any other "clueless" relative, I would have spoken with them about the situation, (at a later time) so we could continue spending the holidays together as one big happy family.

 

[*JoGo*]

I didn't read all the replies but I just tell my brother what to bring.

I'm older than him and for years I was his POA/Secretary while he was active duty. He'd tell me something needed to be done and I'd tell him what he needed to do. So I guess this is just how our relationship is. His wife's family is an immigrant family and never had the big family get togethers like we do bc there was just her nuclear family. So she's had to sort of learn how these things work. Luckily I'm bossy.

With my SIL, we just say I'm making X, can u make/bring Y?
We are a very laid back family and we've known each other since we were in our early teens.

 

[mom2boys]

Well said. I agree with this.

Exactly - I have a single brother. It's not that he's being stingy, it just doesn't occur to him. He will often call en-route and ask if we need anything.

 

[furb & dez]

I'm always shocked at the amount of threads on this board that could have been simply resolved by actually talking to the sibling. My sis always knows what I'm thinking! And the bro who didn't bring the beer would have been marched right to his car to get it before he got food and pizza sil would have been told to make it herself!

Exactly. The OP isn't "being grinchy," she is being clueless and a prima donna. My guess is she belongs to the "READ MY MIND OR I'LL COMPLAIN ENDLESSLY TO EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU" school of marriage.

We hosted Xmas eve for years. Full sit down meal with the table set with the good china, rearranging furniture to bring in a second dining room table, etc. Two different meats, plus a pasta as the main dishes, 3 different veggies, many appetizers and desserts, etc. I'm not complaining because that's how I choose to throw a Xmas gathering, I wouldn't consider doing it any other way. However, every year my SiL would whine... "What are my kids, (4 boys) going to eat? They don't like any of that stuff!" Every year, I would have to send DH out to pick up a sheet of cheese pizza for her kids. A few years ago, when she asked what she could bring, I suggested since she was already out, she should pick up the pizza on her way to our house. (It was for her kids, anyway.) Well, when they showed up, (late) she dropped 3 FROZEN pizzas in my kitchen, and barked out orders... "Put one in the oven on 350 and when that's done put another one in, my kids are hungry!" She then proceeded into my dining room, to join the others for dinner and left me standing in the kitchen with frozen pizzas. The rest of my meal was completely ready. I kept my mouth shut, as to not make my other guest uncomfortable but I bet I had steam coming out my ears!

There is no way I'd ever put up with that. The correct response to this behavior would have been "GET THE EXPLETIVE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU LEARN BASIC MANNERS!" And then a phone call to the police if they didn't leave.

Criminy, is a majority of this board doormats?

 

[WDSearcher]

Exactly. The OP isn't "being grinchy," she is being clueless and a prima donna. My guess is she belongs to the "READ MY MIND OR I'LL COMPLAIN ENDLESSLY TO EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU" school of marriage.

There is no way I'd ever put up with that. The correct response to this behavior would have been "GET THE EXPLETIVE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU LEARN BASIC MANNERS!" And then a phone call to the police if they didn't leave.

Criminy, is a majority of this board doormats?

Then again, I think many might find your "correct response" to be a bit over the top for a dispute over a frozen pizza. And I can't believe that you would advocate calling the police for such a silly family matter. And really -- swearing and yelling like that on a holiday at an event you're hosting is better "basic manners" than the person with the frozen pizza entitlement? I don't think so.

My response re: the frozen pizzas would be, "thanks for bringing the pizzas -- I'll put them in the oven and we can all start dinner; when the timer goes off, there are potholders by the stove ... I'll put the pizza cutter on the counter so you don't have to hunt for it." And at that point, it's the kids' mom's deal. I've cooked for everyone else; she can cook for her kids if they're not eating what the rest of the gang eats.

That's presuming, of course, that I even tolerated the pizzas. I'd be tempted to let the kids go hungry if they didn't want to eat what everyone else had (assuming that there are no massive allergies or special conditions that require an all-pizza diet), or I'd have learned from experience and tossed a pizza in the oven already so that it'd be ready at dinner time in order to avoid any nastiness on a holiday.

But demanding they leave and calling the police? Way to overreact. Geez.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't really host because I want to I more or less am stuck with it. My parents can't go thru the trouble and my brother won't I guess. So it's not really like I am throwing a party it's more like we are having Christmas with my family (hubby and kids) and my parents and brother assume they are coming. ... So he was technically never invited by me, just sayin.

Sorry EZ, I totally understand how you feel.
And, my first, gut reaction, was this... one simple word... "M E N !!!"

No, I do not subscribe to the theory that a human being should be excused for anything and everything because they happen to have something between their legs. Not at all.

But, to anyone who says what I read on another current/recent thread "men are not helpless"... Well, they should only speak for themselves and their own particular man. Certainly has not been my experience!!!!

But, seriously, you do not have an issue with a clueless or lazy male.
There seems to be some serious dysfunction going on in your whole family!!! And, for me, the entitlement would NOT continue.
It appears that you have been setting up and enabling all of this.

I would let everyone know, before Thanksgiving next year, that you will not be able to have everyone over for Christmas Eve and Christmas this year.

If they come up with some other plans... fine.... I would be happy to bring plenty of food, gifts, etc.. and enjoy seeing them on the holiday.
If the only way to see them is if you allow them to entitle themselves, and be 'takers' while you provide everything... To be honest. I could not continue to to that. At my age, it is hard enough just to do what I HAVE to do to get thru the holidays. And, I certainly do not have the finances, or the physical ability, to have freeloading guest for the duration of the holiday. Just wouldn't be happening.

I do understand how you feel.
I am sending hugs!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think you are being too grinchy but its been this way for 18 years. I don't understand why you wouldn't have said something to him about it years ago.

Exactly... see my post above.

As always... every single time... without fail...
One can not control the actions and attitudes of others.
but one MUST take responsibility for their own.

At this point, it is way past 'saying something'....
It is not the OP's responsibility to tell everyone else what they should and should not do.

But, as far as what she should feel obligated to do...
Having them freeload at her home on her time, effort, and finances....
Well, for me... just wouldn't be happening...

I would let them know, very simply, that I was not issuing any invitation to anyone to spend the holiday at my house.

At this point, the OP needs to take a good look at the way she has handled this and make some positive changes....

 

[awoogala]

When you call to invite, just subtly say, "we're doing dinner, Mom is bringing a dessert, would you mind bringing the bread?" Direct and easy.
On the other hand, I've made an entire turkey and cookies, and brought them (when the person cried about not having the money to make us all dinner), and was treated like a horrible jerk, so I ask before I bring all the time now. Some people are easily insulted if you bring things, some if you don't. Make it easy and ask.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with the posters who say hosting a family dinner on a major holiday (namely, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter if you celebrate), is a different thing than hosting a dinner party for friends, or even a 4th of July or Labor Day barbecue or a NYE party.

On both sides of my family, and on both sides of my husband's, the "host" provides the location and often the main item(s) for holiday dinners... and other guests bring things, too. It's still a lot of work for the host, but they're not responsible for everything.

OP -- It sounds like your brother is either a mooch, or clueless. I think if he was mine, I'd probably be specific about what to bring next time. "Can you bring soda? I think four two-liters should be enough." or "Would you bring dessert? We'll need at least 16 portions." If he still doesn't do it, then I think you can figure he's in the "mooch" category and you'll have to decide to live with it or "uninvite" him.

For what it's worth, my husband can be clueless when it comes to buying food for a crowd. He'll either WAY overbuy or WAY underbuy (often depending on how much *he* likes the item). He's generally happy to do the shopping and even some of the preparing, but he needs detailed instructions. He's never really considered food prep his responsibility, therefore he pays no attention to the details, even if it's something he's done before.

 

[Luv'sTink]

No you were not being "grinchy"

It is completely rude and bad manners to not bring something when going to someones home for a meal, especially year after year. I have family member that just show up also. We all bring something to our Christmas meal, except those who just show up.

Family gatherings are not "hosted" The only way I can see them as being even remotely considered as "hosted" is if they are rotated from family member to family member each year.

People who are arguing the other way, if you really look at their posts, they are arguing just to be arguing....

 

[TheSchragFamily]

I could be wrong but if you're this upset about it, maybe it's because he's always stingy and/or freeloading, not just at Christmas. I do think if you host a family gathering you should only do it if you want to and can afford everything yourself, but I also wouldn't think of showing up and doing NOTHING. Usually we are told not to bring any food as there will be plenty (and we travel from out of state!), but we handle the dishes and clean up.

 

[leight]

OP- I feel for you! I think it is rudimentary good manners to call and ask what to bring or to simply come with wine, dessert- even a box of candy for everyone to sample. Your brother (and mom for not scolding him about it) is clueless and needs to appreciate what you do for the family.

Next year I would give your parents and brother a call- say we want to do something different this year- for xmas we're going to XYZ restaurant and its $25 a person. Do you want us to include you in the reservation? Not only would you get a break but this throws everything up in the air and can be an ice breaker to expand a conversation on how its a bit too much work for you doing both holidays every year. It may just provide the smack in the face your brother has needed .

I have a 42yr old brother and he's lived with my mother for decades. I never expected him to do anything or bring anything on his own because he came with her. (He didn't even sign the cards himself to his neices) I've started segregating holidays to those I share with them and those I relax with friends. I find my family likes me a lot more on the holidays where we host or visit friends!

 

[sasywtch]

I have read this same type of thread for the past 3 years and very grateful for my family.

I agree with others that holidays are a little different than hosting a private party. Christmas to us (Thanksgiving, Easter etc) is a way for families to get together. I grew up with going to my grandpa's house every Sunday for dinner (men playing poker) and me and 40 cousins playing for hours.

Our main goal on holidays is for everyone to get together. (just me, my kids, my 2 grandkids and my sister with her son oh and my ex husband too I guess since he is the kid's father LOL...we are ok now, it took 15 years).

Now that I am selling my house and moved into an apartment, the house is at my oldest son/DIL. It usually goes something like, I'm making the turkey, what do you want to bring, DS2 can make mashed potatoes,DD can do dessert, etc.. That way, not just one person has all the stress on them.

I see absolutely nothing wrong that if you have the big house, start dividing things out to other family members. You aren't a failure if you do. It has always been from my parents down to grandparents watching the grandkids open presents and playing on Christmas. I remember my mom making all the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, veggies, desserts, etc and just being wiped out. I personally do not want to be stressed. I enjoy being with my grandkids and adult children but they have been taught that once they turn 18, they bring a dish. The dishes pretty much still stay with the women (yes, I cringe at that) but the guys are outside with the kids playing, keeping them out of our hair, the big bag of trash gets dumped at their feet to take out etc...

I do have an older sister who brings appetizers (the veggie tray, the spinach dip...all in the deli section) and some drinks. Doesn't help cook, doesn't help clean. I noticed that a few years ago. It happened again yesterday. It is what it is. She does a lot of good the other part of the year.

 

[clh2]

OP - I feel your pain. I got stuck hosting Christmas this year. I'm not happy about it. I hosted last year. If my mom would have handled it like "clh2 - you did such a great job last year, do you mind hosting again?" I wouldn't be nearly as upset about this. It was more that my mom "assigned" the job of hosting Christmas to me.

My oldest sister, her husband and their 23 and 20 year old daughters come to "every" family event with their appetites. They have NEVER hosted a holiday. NOT EVER. And then on Thanksgiving - I recall "many" years where they complained a little bit about needing to eat two big turkey dinners.

Not only will they not offer to help set the table, clean up - they will stand in your way while you try to get work done.

This year - (Again I got forced into hosting) - I asked each of my sisters to bring muffins (or bagels/cream cheese) or a fruit platter (or fruit salad). The one who "brings her appetite" has been ignoring the e-mails. - I've sent 2 Trust me - she is on the computer all day long. She simply is avoiding the issue.

So - OP - I feel your pain, and do not think you are being a grinch. I've BTDT, and not for nearly as many years as you.

I would love to suggest having our Christmas at a restaurant - but I am not willing to pay for my sister and her family. And yes - this is a sore spot with me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

- for xmas we're going to XYZ restaurant and its $25 a person. Do you want us to include you in the reservation?

See there is a problem with that as well.
The wording/language is off....
Once you invite somebody, unless you make it specific, they are always free to assume that YOU are covering the bill. And 'takers' will do that.

This also assumes that this has never been discussed as a possible group/family plan with any of the others beforehand. If this cannot even be discussed beforehand, and agreed that everyone pays their own separate check, that shows the inability to communicate and total dysfunction in the family.

And, in the original posters case, if I am remembering her post correctly... They would still expect to follow her to her home and have her host them for drinks, snacks, etc. at her home all evening, and then show up again the next day. (Most places are closed during the evening on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day)

It should be "We will not be hosting Christmas Eve or Christmas day this year. As we have talked about with mom/dad/whomever, we plan to go to XYZ to enjoy lunch on Christmas Eve. If you would like to plan to join us, here is a link to their holiday menu. (xyz.link) Separate checks please."

Then there is the whole - nobody is stepping up to cover and pay for Christmas... We are 'invited' to pay for our own meal... Like the OP is responsible for providing, yet again, all that is expected in Christmas Spirit.

OP... You really should need to feel no further obligation to provide 'christmas' to your entire family. Whether in your home... or trying to make plans for a restaurant... or any other option,

If they want to spend time as a family at the holidays, then one of them should step forward. Period. They are def. not destitute and homeless.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

We have had Christmas eve and Christmas day at my house for 18 years now. Its my husband and I, our 3 kids, my parents, and my brother (single)who is now in his 40's. I don't know why but it is especially bothering me today that my brother always arrives empty handed. He owns a successful local business and lives in an exclusive neighborhood so its not like money would be an issue, and anyway, even a 5.00 bottle of wine would be fine or cookies or just anything. Also after we eat I have never seen him so much as put his plate by the sink so nothing there either. He will eat heartily and stay over till late at night eating and drinking. We all know how much time and expense it is to put holiday dinners together, and I guess I am just over his lack of contribution. I have never said anything, but I feel like he certainly knows better, he is a businessman, and if it were anyone elses house but mine he would definitely be bringing something. (This year for Christmas Eve we ordered party platters from a local restaurant, it was awesome but of course expensive) My parents always bring some stuff so no problem there. But with my brother, I guess I'm feeling a little taken for granted and over it. I was looking for a little feedback on this, am I being too grinchy???

OP, food and drinks aside, do you mean that your family comes to your home for two different meals and does not even bring Christmas presents to your kids? Do you exchange gifts with each other? If yes maybe the food part does not occur to them. If not, well I have no words! Time for you to change the "tradition" they have imposed on you!
You are not being grinchy as bringing a hostess gift is basic common courtesy where I come from.

 

[Fly4free]

I think it's common courtesy to bring something. We believe in "ringing the bell with our elbows" (meaning your hands are too full). If someone goes to to trouble of opening their home and cooking you a meal the least you can do is bring a bottle of wine, a loaf of bread, a dessert, etc.

I love this! That's exactly how I feel. I'm always so happy to be the guest instead of the host I can't imagine showing up empty handed. I also really appreciate the items brought and the cleanup help when I am the host. As my mom says "Many hands make for light work."

Op, I can understand your frustration and that you need a break. Your family obviously is oblivious to this though. The only way to change things is to have a talk with them. Well in advance of the holidays, I would let them know, in a nice way, that you are really feeling burned out and would like to do things differently this year. That is the only way things will change. Be specific about what you would like changed. If having help with side dishes and dessert is enough help just let them know. If you'd rather not host at all, just say you need a year off and offer a suggestion like a restaurant or other family member's house. Don't continue to be a martyr, not only will you be unhappy, your family will not be happy either. Speak up and enjoy the holidays next year!

 

[LSmith]

But see that's the problem.
Now you have issues with what they brought.

IMO the problem with making any type of plans and then DEPENDING on some one else to support it, is you're setting yourself up for hard feelings.

He may have thought just a few cans. who knows, but he did come with some thing and now that's not good enough.

I do know about hosting. I love having my annual 4th of July crabfest been doing it for almost 25 years. No one forces me. It gives my family (especially my siblings) an opportunity to see one another since we all live in different states. I do it year after year when I can afford it. If some one brings a dessert or a drink, I thank them but when my budget has been tight, I don't give it. Once again, this is just me but I would never tell my family to come over for dinner then call them up and say "could you bring some snacks". If they ask and most people do "what can I bring". 99.9% of the time I reply "yourself"
Now I also have a very good relationship with my siblings, usually in June they will call and ask me if I'm having my crab party and I'll say yeah or nay.

So let me ask you, totally hypothetical if you ask some one to bring a drink or dessert and they forget or couldn't get it, do they not get invited in? or are you mad?

I agree with your sentiments on this subject. I feel the same way.

 

[mnrose]

No. Family holiday gatherings are not spontaneous gatherings that a host plans. They are generally occasions where there is a mutual interest in (or obligation to) get together. In many families one person, for whatever reason, becomes the go to house for practical considerations, not because they want to host.

It is rare that I've been to a family holiday gathering that is truly "hosted.". It is usual that the family is grateful that one person has opened their home for us to gather. The "gift" is the space, which having hosted many affairs, I know is a lot of work in itself.

This, 100%.

We live close to all of DH's family. We host Thanksgiving. BIL hosts Christmas Eve. BUT, regardless of who is hosting, we all pitch in. It's just polite. So, for example, on Christmas Eve...we brought a bottle of wine, guacamole and chips, and a fruit platter to BIL's house. He provided three different kinds of meat, sandwich fixings, and veggies/dip. Other relatives provided cookies/treats.

Family gatherings are VERY different, IMO, than dinner parties. I agree that when I host a dinner party, I provide the food/drink and certainly don't ask my guests to contribute (although I cannot remember the last time someone arrived with nothing...usually wine/beer are purchased for the host). But family gatherings are by mutual agreement, not something I unilaterally dreamed up.

 

[disykat]

There's no way to compare siblings traveling from out of state not bringing something to a hosted party to one coming to family dinners from across town and never contributing. Apples and oranges.

We travel to visit family after Christmas and don't bring a thing. We incur the travel expenses, hotel expenses, etc. and make sure we take everyone out for one meal while we're there. When they visit us, it's the same.

However, when we have our local holiday gatherings with close friends, we all bring something since we don't consider those to be "hosted" as in "you're invited to dinner," but rather "we're all getting together, whose house is it at this time?" events.