family members coming empty handed

[kirstenb1]

why? I assuming that the family member who is "hosting" wants to do it? They know or have some indication of how much it cost right?

Like I said I just don't believe in giving gifts (dinners etc) with strings attached. If you can't afford or are going to kevitch about the cost and the fact that guest aren't bringing stuff, then don't host.

Actually, the assumption that the person is hosting because they want to, is a broad assumption. In the OP's case, it sounds like her family includes herself, one brother, and her parents. Since her brother sounds very clueless, he is probably never going to take it upon himself to host. That leaves the OP, or her parents to host. I don't know her (OP), but in the past 10 yrs, I've tried to take some of the Christmas hosting off of my Mom. She deserves a break.

I have 2 siblings who never host anything, so are very oblivious to the work/cost involved. I have finally just started asking them to bring a bottle of wine, or some beer, juice boxes, etc. I'm happier and no longer resentful.

 

[bellarella]

why? I assuming that the family member who is "hosting" wants to do it? They know or have some indication of how much it cost right?

Like I said I just don't believe in giving gifts (dinners etc) with strings attached. If you can't afford or are going to kevitch about the cost and the fact that guest aren't bringing stuff, then don't host.

No. Family holiday gatherings are not spontaneous gatherings that a host plans. They are generally occasions where there is a mutual interest in (or obligation to) get together. In many families one person, for whatever reason, becomes the go to house for practical considerations, not because they want to host.

It is rare that I've been to a family holiday gathering that is truly "hosted.". It is usual that the family is grateful that one person has opened their home for us to gather. The "gift" is the space, which having hosted many affairs, I know is a lot of work in itself.

 

[WDSearcher]

Actually, the assumption that the person is hosting because they want to, is a broad assumption. In the OP's case, it sounds like her family includes herself, one brother, and her parents. Since her brother sounds very clueless, he is probably never going to take it upon himself to host. That leaves the OP, or her parents to host. I don't know her (OP), but in the past 10 yrs, I've tried to take some of the Christmas hosting off of my Mom. She deserves a break.

I have 2 siblings who never host anything, so are very oblivious to the work/cost involved. I have finally just started asking them to bring a bottle of wine, or some beer, juice boxes, etc. I'm happier and no longer resentful.

If that's how people feel, though, then why host at all? It's not like the world will end if someone doesn't host Christmas dinner. Where's the rule that says "any single sibling must be invited over for dinner on holidays"? I mean sure ... it's nice, but it's not mandatory. If OP (or anyone else) doesn't want to host, then they shouldn't host. But if they DO host, it should be with happiness and generosity. Not with a scorecard.

 

[MIGrandma]

Normally I agree, but families and the holidays are different. If one family member "hosts" every year, then other members should do more than just show up.

I completely agree with you.

To me (and I'm sure eliza will disagree) hosting a party or get-together is the host's responsiblity but a regular yearly family gathering like Christmas that is hosted by one family year after year after year I don't see anything at all wrong with asking others to bring something.

It takes a lot to get ready to host a big family meal and if one person does it every year, all the rest of the family are getting off pretty easy by just bringing one or two items to the party.

We host Christmas EVERY year at our house and I always ask my two adult children to bring something. This year our DD brought meatballs in her crockpot, and DS brought Li'l Smokies in his. They both asked what else they could bring so obviously they weren't offended at being asked.

Normally my Mom treats the family to dinner out on Thanksgiving, but this year our DS and his DW wanted to host it in the new house they bought over the summer. I thought nothing of it when they asked if I could bring a couple dishes, and our DD brought a couple as well.

 

[Tink888]

I think you are being a little grinchy. Sorry. I host Christmas Eve each year for my family too for about the same number of people, no one ever brings anything. I don't expect them to since I am hosting. Just happy to have everyone together for the holiday. If there was something I needed or wanted one of them to bring, I'd just ask and I'm sure they'd be happy to do it.

 

[WDSearcher]

I don't really host because I want to I more or less am stuck with it. My parents can't go thru the trouble and my brother won't I guess. So it's not really like I am throwing a party it's more like we are having Christmas with my family (hubby and kids) and my parents and brother assume they are coming. Its like "what time should we come over" rather than me asking if they want to. Like yesterday I didn't even invite my brother my mother said she texted him and told him they were on their way. So he was technically never invited by me, just sayin.

Two easy solutions to this:

#1 -- tell everyone in November that you're not "hosting" Christmas dinner and they all need to make other plans.

#2 -- either travel over the holiday so you're not home or make it a tradition for you and your family to have Christmas dinner out at a restaurant or other Christmas Day event.

Either way, you're free from hosting. Just because other people "assume they're coming" doesn't automatically mean that you have to host them. But you will have to actually tell them that.

 

[bellarella]

If that's how people feel, though, then why host at all? It's not like the world will end if someone doesn't host Christmas dinner. Where's the rule that says "any single sibling must be invited over for dinner on holidays"? I mean sure ... it's nice, but it's not mandatory. If OP (or anyone else) doesn't want to host, then they shouldn't host. But if they DO host, it should be with happiness and generosity. Not with a scorecard.

Seriously? You think a better solution to this is to stop the gathering rather than to just casually ask the brother, "hey, I could use some help with Christmas this year, could you bring appetizers/wine/dessert"?

 

[WDSearcher]

I completely agree with you.

To me (and I'm sure eliza will disagree) hosting a party or get-together is the host's responsiblity but a regular yearly family gathering like Christmas that is hosted by one family year after year after year I don't see anything at all wrong with asking others to bring something.

It takes a lot to get ready to host a big family meal and if one person does it every year, all the rest of the family are getting off pretty easy by just bringing one or two items to the party.

We host Christmas EVERY year at our house and I always ask my two adult children to bring something. This year our DD brought meatballs in her crockpot, and DS brought Li'l Smokies in his. They both asked what else they could bring so obviously they weren't offended at being asked.

Normally my Mom treats the family to dinner out on Thanksgiving, but this year our DS and his DW wanted to host it in the new house they bought over the summer. I thought nothing of it when they asked if I could bring a couple dishes, and our DD brought a couple as well.

Totally agree with all of this, but the OP didn't ask her brother to bring anything. She's just mad at him for not bringing anything. If she had asked him for something ("Hey, bro -- can you pick up a bag of ice and a liter of soda?") and he doesn't come through, then yeah ... you can be a little miffed because you were expecting him to bring that thing and now you have to figure out how to do without it. But if you don't ask -- and have never, over the years, asked -- then it's not really fair to the other person to be mad at them. Because you're being mad at them for not doing something you didn't tell them to do!

Families are different. Maybe your family would bring stuff for dinner even if you didn't ask. But you do ask, and that makes all the difference.

 

[ez]

Yes I have been thinking all morning about how I can get out of this for next year. It is just very difficult in my family and the guilt trip my parents will put on me, and I dont want to plan a trip over the holidays just because I dont want to have them all over. But after 18 years of going thru this for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day every year, I really feel over it. Maybe has something to do with me turning 50, I dont know.

 

[WDSearcher]

Seriously? You think a better solution to this is to stop the gathering rather than to just casually ask the brother, "hey, I could use some help with Christmas this year, could you bring appetizers/wine/dessert"?

No ... I don't think that's a better solution. If you look at the post I was answering, it was written by someone who said that "the assumption that the person is hosting because they want to, is a broad assumption". Which is why I said, in response to that, "If that's how people feel, then why host at all." I was responding to the post I quoted, not to the OP. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I did quote the post right above my response.

I totally agree that the OP should simply ask her brother to bring stuff, and I stated that in at least two different posts.

 

[Christine]

Yes I have been thinking all morning about how I can get out of this for next year. It is just very difficult in my family and the guilt trip my parents will put on me, and I dont want to plan a trip over the holidays just because I dont want to have them all over. But after 18 years of going thru this for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day every year, I really feel over it. Maybe has something to do with me turning 50, I dont know.

I will never understand the "guilt" that people allow themselves to be put under. Just say no and be done with it. Yep, you will catch some attitude I'm sure but you have NO reason to be/feel guilty.

 

[bellebud]

OP, I don't think you're being grinchy at all.

In both mine and my dh's family, we look at Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners as a mandatory get-together (that we all certainly enjoy), and we all chip in w/ either money or food, regardless of where it's being held.

I'd guess brother never 'thinks' about the whole hosting thing and what goes into it. Can you suggest during the year, *hey bro, I'm kinda tired of hosting dinner and would love a break. How about we meet at your house this coming Christmas?* See what he says... maybe it'll start his wheels turning.

 

[weeluvdisney]

I don't really host because I want to I more or less am stuck with it. My parents can't go thru the trouble and my brother won't I guess. So it's not really like I am throwing a party it's more like we are having Christmas with my family (hubby and kids) and my parents and brother assume they are coming. Its like "what time should we come over" rather than me asking if they want to. Like yesterday I didn't even invite my brother my mother said she texted him and told him they were on their way. So he was technically never invited by me, just sayin.

There will be alot of different opinions on this but no one can tell you how you feel or that your feelings are wrong. In my opinion hosting something every year should be more like a pot luck. As it is, if it's in your home you have to clean before and after and that is alot of work in itself. Inviting someone over for just dinner or a get together or like a childs birthday or grad party or bridal shower of course you would never ask for anything to brought or expect anything to be brought. The same family hosting the same holidays year after year it would be terribly inconsiderate of me to not bring something and help with the dishes.

 

[ChiCat]

Yes I have been thinking all morning about how I can get out of this for next year. It is just very difficult in my family and the guilt trip my parents will put on me, and I dont want to plan a trip over the holidays just because I dont want to have them all over. But after 18 years of going thru this for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day every year, I really feel over it. Maybe has something to do with me turning 50, I dont know.

He's probably just totally clueless and next year I would ask him specifically to bring something (wine, cookies, whatever).

My SIL one year asked us to make something to bring to dinner (probably because her brother, my husband had never done that before) I told her no, we had to drive over 6 hours to get to her house and I didn't have time to cook anything before. So we brought dessert from a grocery store, maybe that wasn't ok because I haven't been asked to bring anything else LOL. I'll bring wine or flowers or pick something up at the store but if I'm driving all that way I'm not going to make something to take.

 

[cigarboo]

For next year, call it a potluck so everyone know's they're suppose to bring something. You might have to specifically tell your brother what to bring. That's just how some guys are. I know my husband would have no clue about these things if he were on his own.

Certainly if you are tired of hosting and starting to stew over these things that bother you, maybe it's time to take a break, because these kinds of things should really come from your heart. Doesn't mean you're mean or a grinch, just that you need a break. Tell your parents early that you don't feel like hosting next year. If it's a potluck at their home, it will make it easier for them as well. You have the biggest nuclear family at this point, so that it why it seems to fall on your lap, but nothing wrong with switching it up. Just let people know what you want.

As far as helping afterwards, I always find it awkward to do much in someone else's kitchen. I'm not a slob and I clean up after my family and pick up floating plates and trash, but usually, I find that the host has their own system(certain things get washed this way and other things go on this counter and not that counter, some things don't get washed, just wiped, the dishwasher gets loaded a certain way,etc). I guess I'm that way also. When I host, I don't really want my guests to help clean because I would rather see them having fun and enjoying the company. Sometimes guests don't know how to be helpful, so if you need help you need to ask and be specific.

 

[Rylee]

If you are going to end up feeling resentful, you should stop hosting. If you want to continue the tradition but need/want him to contribute, ask him, and with a single guy, you will likely need to be specific about what you want him to bring. If you have been doing this for 18 years, I would be willing to bet it has never occurred to him to bring something.

We hosted Xmas eve for years. Full sit down meal with the table set with the good china, rearranging furniture to bring in a second dining room table, etc. Two different meats, plus a pasta as the main dishes, 3 different veggies, many appetizers and desserts, etc. I'm not complaining because that's how I choose to throw a Xmas gathering, I wouldn't consider doing it any other way. However, every year my SiL would whine... "What are my kids, (4 boys) going to eat? They don't like any of that stuff!" Every year, I would have to send DH out to pick up a sheet of cheese pizza for her kids. A few years ago, when she asked what she could bring, I suggested since she was already out, she should pick up the pizza on her way to our house. (It was for her kids, anyway.) Well, when they showed up, (late) she dropped 3 FROZEN pizzas in my kitchen, and barked out orders... "Put one in the oven on 350 and when that's done put another one in, my kids are hungry!" She then proceeded into my dining room, to join the others for dinner and left me standing in the kitchen with frozen pizzas. The rest of my meal was completely ready. I kept my mouth shut, as to not make my other guest uncomfortable but I bet I had steam coming out my ears!

I still host Christmas eve, but guess who has never been invited again.

 

[bellarella]

No ... I don't think that's a better solution. If you look at the post I was answering, it was written by someone who said that "the assumption that the person is hosting because they want to, is a broad assumption". Which is why I said, in response to that, "If that's how people feel, then why host at all." I was responding to the post I quoted, not to the OP. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I did quote the post right above my response.

I totally agree that the OP should simply ask her brother to bring stuff, and I stated that in at least two different posts.

Ahhh. I didn't see the others. I agree that she just needs to ask before getting upset.

I still think that when you are talking about immediate family for a holiday "hosting" is a bit different than when you are the one reaching out and inviting people to a party.

 

[Southernmiss]

If you are going to end up feeling resentful, you should stop hosting. If you want to continue the tradition but need/want him to contribute, ask him, and with a single guy, you will likely need to be specific about what you want him to bring. If you have been doing this for 18 years, I would be willing to bet it has never occurred to him to bring something.

We hosted Xmas eve for years. Full sit down meal with the table set with the good china, rearranging furniture to bring in a second dining room table, etc. Two different meats, plus a pasta as the main dishes, 3 different veggies, many appetizers and desserts, etc. I'm not complaining because that's how I choose to throw a Xmas gathering, I wouldn't consider doing it any other way. However, every year my SiL would whine... "What are my kids, (4 boys) going to eat? They don't like any of that stuff!" Every year, I would have to send DH out to pick up a sheet of cheese pizza for her kids. A few years ago, when she asked what she could bring, I suggested since she was already out, she should pick up the pizza on her way to our house. (It was for her kids, anyway.) Well, when they showed up, (late) she dropped 3 FROZEN pizzas in my kitchen, and barked out orders... "Put one in the oven on 350 and when that's done put another one in, my kids are hungry!" She then proceeded into my dining room, to join the others for dinner and left me standing in the kitchen with frozen pizzas. The rest of my meal was completely ready. I kept my mouth shut, as to not make my other guest uncomfortable but I bet I had steam coming out my ears!

I still host Christmas eve, but guess who has never been invited again.

Yikes

I host Christmas Eve too--appetizers and buffet, but wow!

DS 15 ate just rice yesterday at Christmas dinner. The menu was gumbo and jambalya and all that goes with it. He said nothing and ate his rice. My kids know better. I knew the menu before we got there and should have suggested he bring something for himself, but completely forgot. Oh well. He ate when he got home.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Sorry but yes you are being grinchy.

1) their income should have nothing to do with it. YOU hosted dinner at your house.

2) I'm assuming you extended the offer for dinner. Never make an offer you can't afford. You know the price of food before going into the dinner.

3) This is just like giving a gift then telling the gift receiver how to use the gift. A gift and dinner invitation (unless stated at the time of the invitation) is supposed to be from your heart because you want to see the person but it seems you expect guest to bring some thing.

Sorry, but when I host dinner or a party I don't expect anyone to bring any thing. I provide the refreshments and the food. Some people ask can they bring some thing and most of the time I say no but all I ask of my guest is that they come.

I AGREE 100%. Very well said. I honestly do think your being grinchy. When I host, I dont let the guests bring anything but themselves. If they show up with something anyway thats fine.

When you start noticing that your guest never brings anything or helps out, maybe its time to let someone else host for a change. Dont offer to host next year then. xmas is about family being together. its not about keeping tabs as to who isnt helping and who comes empty handed.

Sent from my Galaxy SII

 

[Southernmiss]

I AGREE 100%. Very well said. I honestly do think your being grinchy. When I host, I dont let the guests bring anything but themselves. If they show up with something anyway thats fine.

When you start noticing that your guest never brings anything or helps out, maybe its time to let someone else host for a change. Dont offer to host next year then. xmas is about family being together. its not about keeping tabs as to who isnt helping and who comes empty handed.

Sent from my Galaxy SII

I agree with this when I host to me that's just part of keeping tradition going for my family. I want my kids and nieces and nephews to have a family Christmas experience. Though I do bring something and help clean up when I am a guest.