Family dog issues, wwyd?

[Art 1]

YES! EXACTLY!! Children aren't always invited; that's why we have babysitters. It's even better if you have a dog; if you can't get a neighbor/friend to come over and dog sit, or at least walk the dog, there are KENNELS. Board for the day! Lots of solutions, including NOT going to the event... but would you really skip Christmas with your grandkids and kids because your dog wasn't welcomed? Do you really not understand that there IS a difference between animals/pets and people/family members?

I agree with you. But there are many, many examples on the dis of people not attending family weddings due to their child not being invited.

 

[mom2grace]

If the dog is a pain even without your dog there, then that makes it a dilemma again.

Oh, yes. My sister's 6 year old daughter who is DYING for a dog doesn't like to have SM's dog at her house. She regularly plays with our dog and keeps him about once a year. We are hoping the 6 year old's lack of a filter helps with this situation. Maybe we all need to drop our filter.

Early on, we did talk with my dad & SM about training the dog and the longterm effects of lack of training. Just in conversation when we were at their house. How the dog biting your toes (and arms, fingers, etc), jumping on people, might be cute at 3 months but it certainly won't be cute later on, etc. The dog is small so no one is going to be hurt by the dog jumping on them. The dog did jump up and bite my husband's arm this weekend at the bike store.

They did take the dog to training, but they didn't follow through with training it at home. We even suggested that they leave the dog with the trainer for a week or two while they were on vacation. They have plenty of funds to do this. No luck.

 

[Art 1]

Interested parties:

My dad and stepmom: have a 1 year old dog who is the same breed as my dog, the dogs are small, around 15 lbs.

their dog is out of control behavior-wise, jumps, bites, pottys, my dog is well behaved.

Stepmom brings dog EVERYWHERE, essentially won't leave the dog at home period. Gets very upset when the dog is not welcomed at outdoor sporting events, stores, etc. The behavior of SM is very distracting and annoying.

Dog sleeps in their bed (I know this is common and I'm ok with it, just for contrast to our dog style).

My sister and her husband: They don't have any pets, my sister had a cat when they met. Husband is OCD about a lot of things, mostly about cleanliness, keeping things is pristine condition. They will dog sit for us about once a year. They have a 6 year old daughter.

Me: We have a 4 year old dog, same breed as dad & stepmom, the dog is well behaved, has rules to follow, sleeps in a x pen in the kitchen, is not allowed in the bedrooms (mostly due to marking behaviors in the past). We leave the dog for extended times during the day, sometimes up to 8 hours.

Issue: Dad and stepmom want to bring the dog to my sister's for Christmas day.

Backstory: They live a little less than an hour from my sister's. The last time D & SM were at my sister's, the dog was out of control and my 6 year old niece was very upset.

2 nights ago D & SM came up to my house (1 hour from their house) and brought the dog. Didn't ask. They spent the whole time yelling at the dogs to 'calm down'. Um, they are dogs, it's what they do. Drives me crazy. Thankfully I was going to a meeting. My kids (12 & 14) report that their dog 'annoyed' our dog the entire time. Barking, biting his ears, etc. Our dog was calm.

Dilemma #1: They asked my sister's husband if they could bring their dog to Christmas day, our gatherings usually last 3-4 hours, but it's flexible and people can leave when they are ready. He said no due to wrapping paper, craziness, etc. My sister was not with them when they asked. I guess they didn't take no for an answer and it's still up for debate. Any ways to handle this gracefully?

Dilemma #2: I would prefer that they ask before they bring their dog to our house. I know, I just need to grow a pair and tell them! It would be different if we just showed up everywhere with our dog, but we don't. I would never dream of showing up with our dog unannounced. My SM will be very hurt and dramaful. And potentially stay home and get my dad to stay home with her and miss our family events.

Dilemma #1 is not your business so you don't have an issue there. My guess is that there may be some jealousy on your part that your dog would not be there and hers would.

Dilemma #2. Even though I would not want the dog there I would say nothing for the sake of peace on Christmas day. I would put my dog in another room if I had too.

 

[mom2grace]

Dilemma #1 is not your business so you don't have an issue there. My guess is that there may be some jealousy on your part that your dog would not be there and hers would.

Dilemma #2. Even though I would not want the dog there I would say nothing for the sake of peace on Christmas day. I would put my dog in another room if I had too.

#1, no, our dog stays home, I would never dream of taking the dog to Christmas, or any other family activity unless we were spending the night with accommodations that made everyone happy. Or if my family member specifically asked us to bring the dog, then I would consider it depending on the circumstances. We also have a cat.

There is nothing peaceful about their dog. SM thinks the behavior is cute and that everyone should think the same. Well behaved dogs are cute, out of control dogs are not. This is purely about the dog's behavior and my SM's refusal to train it & set boundaries.

 

[luvsJack]

Just out of curiosity, and maybe I missed it all, but what does the dog do?

I know you said he irritates your dog and that alone would make me crazy but I was just wondering if there are other things.

 

[mom2grace]

Just out of curiosity, and maybe I missed it all, but what does the dog do?

I know you said he irritates your dog and that alone would make me crazy but I was just wondering if there are other things.

Barks incessantly, jumps, runs, bites, potties on the floor.

 

[mom2grace]

Barks incessantly, jumps, runs, bites, potties on the floor.

It's also my SM's behaviors surrounding the dog. All attention needs to be on the dog and normal conversation, etc are disrupted. And it's hard to avoid. We are a small family, 9 people total. I do ignore the dog and tell it down when it jumps on me in a firm voice. I use the same voice and method that I do if my dog would jump, when we were training him. My dog rarely jumps on anyone anymore.

SM has to know we are not thrilled with the situation.

 

[ArwenMarie]

It would be about 4 hours away from the dog. They do have neighbors with dogs who I am sure would be willing to walk the dog. Most dogs can go longer than that without going potty.

Oh only four hours. Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

[ArwenMarie]

I missed the part where she boards him to go on cruises!

Yeah, she's just being a pain in the neck.

Speaking from experience, wives of fathers can be tough to deal with sometimes. There is often a subtle power struggle going on with the adult children and since the man has to live with her, it's hard. Or maybe that's just my family

 

[mom2grace]

I missed the part where she boards him to go on cruises!

Yeah, she's just being a pain in the neck.

Speaking from experience, wives of fathers can be tough to deal with sometimes. There is often a subtle power struggle going on with the adult children and since the man has to live with her, it's hard. Or maybe that's just my family

And she boarded him to go visit her son in California.

She's really lovely except for this. We haven't had any drama in 15+ years. Her family is super dysfunctional so we are the family that she sees the most.

 

[mom2grace]

I missed the part where she boards him to go on cruises!

Yeah, she's just being a pain in the neck.

Speaking from experience, wives of fathers can be tough to deal with sometimes. There is often a subtle power struggle going on with the adult children and since the man has to live with her, it's hard. Or maybe that's just my family

I am not interested in any inheritance, etc. I think they should spend all of their money and enjoy the rest of their life. So that doesn't factor in for me.

 

[barkley]

Yikes. I totally disagree with you. Our dog is family. No one can tell me differently. She is spoiled more than our kids were. She sleeps in our bed. We often make our plans around her needs - planning the amount of time we can be gone from her etc. She sometimes travels with us and we go to great lengths for her comfort - picnics style eating so she won't be locked in a car, etc. Spoiled to the max.

That said, we still recognize that dogs are under different rules than people. We don't take her to restaurants. We don't take her to appointments, stores, church, etc. We leave her alone without a sitter. We often treat our dog like a child, but we recognize that she isn't one!

I agree totally-I have a sibling who while's he's never admitted it is so close to his dogs (and other animals) he opted never to have children b/c he would not be able (1) to financially provide for both, (2) to put in the time, energy and emotional/physical support both would deserve and require, so for all of my adult life while others receive holiday cards and graduation announcements with photos of their human nieces and nephews-I get the same only about this or that obedience class/training rescue class w/ photos of dogs, baby calves, miniature donkeys, birds....who are referred to as my nieces and nephews. db and his wife have taken maybe one or two multi day trips (no more than 4 continuous days) together over the last 35 years b/c of their devotion to their 'kids'. they adore this lifestyle so for them it's no sacrifice.

despite this-they never would think of bringing one of their amazingly well behaved dogs (or other pets) to someone's home unless the offer was extended to them-wouldn't even ask. they recognize that their devotion to their animals (and despite their love, devotion and consideration of them as their family-they recognize they are animals) is not shared by everyone, and that everyone is not comfortable having animals in their home (and to some extent just as parents of toddlers are concerned w/baby proofed homes-they are concerned that homes other than their own are not entirely pet proofed).

People can't just leave a service dog. If you are that against dogs I'm sure you probably don't have friends or family that require a service dog. Having someone not have their service dog would be akin to telling me not to wear my glasses because you don't like glasses. Service dogs are a medical tool not family pets.

I agree, but just because someone has the need for that medical tool it doesn't override another person's choice on if they will or even can accommodate a service dog in their PRIVATE home.

this may seem harsh, but for some people it's not an issue of choice-it can be an issue of allergies or potential negative impacts on their own pets (service animal may be very well behaved but if the person has their own animals who would be stressed or otherwise negatively impacted by the presence of another animal in the home it's their choice to weigh the consequences of that service animal's presence and opting not to extend an invitation to the person who understandable cannot go without it). in my case I would have to balance the well being of the members of my household in permitting someone with a service dog access. in my case it's not a matter of being 'against' dogs- I have an autistic child w/a fear of dogs. I can't and will not relegate my son to another room to facilitate someone's service animal-it just wouldn't happen. I might try to arrange a visit for a period of time when ds is not home but my child's needs will come first.


as far as any dog that nips or bites-I feel I'm responsible for the comfort, safety and wellbeing of anyone I invite into my home so if I were hosting a group of people (be they friends, family-whoever) no dog (or any animal) that I KNEW had a propensity for this would not be permitted to attend (and this was the case w/another family member we had with multiple other family members with the same policy for their homes-I'm sure she found it unfair and socially isolating but it was her choice to decline invitations that didn't include her nippy/biting little dog).

 

[ArwenMarie]

I am not interested in any inheritance, etc. I think they should spend all of their money and enjoy the rest of their life. So that doesn't factor in for me.

I didn't mean inheritances, just power struggles

 

[barkley]

I am not interested in any inheritance, etc. I think they should spend all of their money and enjoy the rest of their life. So that doesn't factor in for me.

they need to be spending some of that money on a good insurance policy (if one could even be gotten given the dog's known habits)-homeowner's and renters are both quick to cancel if a person has a dog bite claim and they are found to have known the dog had a propensity for biting. heck-emergency response personnel in our late family member's city had her address red flagged in their system b/c her nippy little dog had scratched and bitten at emt's who had responded to her home (when you need emt's but your first concern is containing your little dog in another room or calling someone else to come over to contain it then your priorities are severely out of whack).

 

[mom2grace]

they need to be spending some of that money on a good insurance policy (if one could even be gotten given the dog's known habits)-homeowner's and renters are both quick to cancel if a person has a dog bite claim and they are found to have known the dog had a propensity for biting. heck-emergency response personnel in our late family member's city had her address red flagged in their system b/c her nippy little dog had scratched and bitten at emt's who had responded to her home (when you need emt's but your first concern is containing your little dog in another room or calling someone else to come over to contain it then your priorities are severely out of whack).

There is so much irony in this as my dad is a retired insurance agent! This breed would never be on any dog bite list. My main concern is the dog biting my dad on the arms and hands as his skin is very thin and bleeds easily. The dog does bite my dad. But it's not a vicous, locking on, but still it's a dog bite and I get that.

 

[Hutchy]

I'm a huge dog person, I have 4, and I have no problem leaving the herd at home when I go to get togethers. The dogs are my babies but I don't expect others to have to deal with them. I did live with my parents for a couple of years after my divorce (had 3 dogs at the time, the 4th is my "stepdaughter" now that I live with my boyfriend) so we would have my dogs and my parents dogs and last year my aunt brought her 2 so we had a house full for Christmas but when it was time to eat the dogs were put away so there was no begging and all but my aunt's puppy are older dogs ranging from almost 16 to 5 so they are calmer and spend most of the time laying around.

 

[littleblackegg]

Just be honest and direct. You have let them know that the dog is welcome in your home. Of course they will bring the dog. There is no escaping direct communication on this one. She will never get your hints or interpret your displeasure, so stop waiting for her to "get it." She won't. You'll need to expect she will push those boundaries and be prepared. After you tell her and she shows up at your house with the dog, just politely remind her that you have discussed it and you don't want her to bring her dog anymore. She will likely be hurt and offended in a VERY dramatic way, so plan for that. Also plan for her to call every adult in the family to tell them how poorly she treated you. Ultimately, this is not about the dog. It's about her respect for your boundaries. If you set them in a concrete way, she will eventually get the message.

 

[barkley]

There is so much irony in this as my dad is a retired insurance agent! This breed would never be on any dog bite list. My main concern is the dog biting my dad on the arms and hands as his skin is very thin and bleeds easily. The dog does bite my dad. But it's not a vicous, locking on, but still it's a dog bite and I get that.

our late family member's arms and hands looked terrible b/c her skin was like tissue paper-she was rarely without scabs from her dog. it wasn't a vicious little dog-just prone to this behavior and it had never been properly addressed (she got it from someone else who got rid of it FINALY after an 'innocent' bite occurred with their grandchild's face-but no attempt at correcting the behavior was followed through on). I remember that she harbored some resentment about one family member's home and wouldn't visit b/c she complained that someone there had once 'kicked at' the dog. well-given that the dog was prone to biting people's ankles and would then go for their hands if they tried to shoo it away it's no wonder that out of self defense someone who had already been bitten might take defensive action when the dog came near their feet.

 

[Darcy03231]

If you don't want to send her away if she shows up with the dog, how about keeping a crate for it at your house. Then when she shows up with the dog her choices are to take it home or it stays in the crate for the visit. That would take care of the jumping, running, biting, and potty issues. The crate could be put in a room the furthest away from where you're visiting with the door closed to help with the barking noise. If you do this a couple of time she might just end up leaving it a home when she visits.

 

[DisneyOma]

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

Tendency to bite? Hope you have excellent homeowner's insurance. if that dog bites anyone on your property, you are liable, since you allowed the dog to be there. Who in their right mind would take a dog that bites anywhere anyways?