Family and Funerals??

[cheermom1]

just wanted to know how many people say you have to go a funeral just b/c they were a family member?

If this family member never called or wrote or had any contact with you and the only contact you had was when you went to see them...

would you go to this family members funeral just b/c they were a family member?

not there was no tension between you or them just that they expected everyone to come see them if they had contact with anyone else...

 

[glitterkittyy]

just wanted to know how many people say you have to go a funeral just b/c they were a family member?

If this family member never called or wrote or had any contact with you and the only contact you had was when you went to see them...

would you go to this family members funeral just b/c they were a family member?

not there was no tension between you or them just that they expected everyone to come see them if they had contact with anyone else...

I don't think you should have to go if you were not close with the family member. I would send my condolences and flowers (if appropriate).

 

[AshleyW]

I would go to support the rest of the family that would be at the funeral.

 

[HelenePA]

Funerals are for the living not the dead.. if you were close to his/her other family members it would be a good idea for you go to and be there for them. Lend them a shoulder to cry on so to speak.. other wise skip it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You might go to support other family there who were close to the deceased. I do not think you are obligated to go though--especially if travel (expense) is involved. DH missed his cousin and uncle's funerals (he was clsoe to both) because it was costly to go. His aunt made sure all the far flung relatives knew she did not want them to feel they needed to come. I missed my grandfather's becasue I was 8 months pregnant and not allowed to fly.

Honestly (I will probably be cruxified for saying this) when my mom's boyfriend died very suddenly I thought about whether I would go to my own parents' funerals IF I could not get to them in time to see them alive. Meaning, if one of my parents were very ill in the hospital I would hop a plane in an instant and figure out how to pay off the credit card later. But if they died instantly and I only knew about it after the fact, I am not sure that I would spend the probably close to $3000 for my one last minute plane ticket to Mexico from Germany to then have to deal with my grief alone on a plane for 20ish hours just to be there for mostly the show. I have no siblings. I have never met any of mom's friends in Mexico (we don't get to see each other too often and when I do go there she wants us all to herself--my Dad is very reclusive and does not have many friends; I have met his girlfriend but really do not feel a connection to the girl at all and she would have her family there to support her--whereas I would have no one). Essentially, I would not be there to support anyone. I love my parents dearly and am very close to them both. I make an effort to be conencted with them in life. Hopefully I will not be in a situation to have to make a decision about this at any point.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have gone to plenty of funerals where I was not close with the person. I have gone there to show support for other members in the family for their loss.

It is not a matter of have to, more like I want to do that.

 

[wenrob]

I would go. I know more then a few people who have held grudges because "so and so didn't even bother to show up to-insert loved ones name here-funeral." That's just me though. I go to funerals and weddings because that's how I was raised, you just go.

 

[cheermom1]

My great aunt died (we knew she was going to) the funeral was yesterday ..I didn't really have the money as she lives over 2 hours from me...however my dad seems to think I should have gone just b/c she is a family member and you just go period...I have seen her maybe 5 times in all my life. she was very active until a about a year ago. she could have called or written or something but she never did..when I was kid I remember that the family would guilt my dad into going down there to see them and her but none of them would come see us not once! I think I lost some respect for them b/c of this...I really didn't have the money since I lost my job but truthfully I didn't want to go..I feel that it would be for show only and I don't know any of that family as they never made an effort to have any kind of relationship..I have made an attempt but it didn't work...

so my problem now is my dad who is upset with me..what to do? how to handle this...

 

[FergieTCat]

When my parents lived abroad, my father asked that I attend my aunt's (his sister) funeral. I was never close to anyone on my father's side of the family and refused to go. My sister felt obligated to attend; I did not.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My great aunt died (we knew she was going to) the funeral was yesterday ..I didn't really have the money as she lives over 2 hours from me...however my dad seems to think I should have gone just b/c she is a family member and you just go period...I have seen her maybe 5 times in all my life. she was very active until a about a year ago. she could have called or written or something but she never did..when I was kid I remember that the family would guilt my dad into going down there to see them and her but none of them would come see us not once! I think I lost some respect for them b/c of this...I really didn't have the money since I lost my job but truthfully I didn't want to go..I feel that it would be for show only and I don't know any of that family as they never made an effort to have any kind of relationship..I have made an attempt but it didn't work...

so my problem now is my dad who is upset with me..what to do? how to handle this...

Just be honest with your dad. He is not going to like hearing it however he has no choice but to accept your answer. Maybe talk to him in person and then give him a few hugs and tell him you love him.

There is really nothing you are going to be able to say to him to make him "unmad". But maybe you can soften him up to see your side of things.

 

[Angelhalo]

We're southern so we go to the funeral of every relative that dies whether we knew them from Tom, Dick, or Harry, makes no difference. You're not attending for the deceased person, you're attending to show your familial support.

 

[mjkacmom]

You go to funerals to comfort and pay respects to the remaining living family. I'd go to a funeral of a relative I didn't like for the sake of my family.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

You might go to support other family there who were close to the deceased. I do not think you are obligated to go though--especially if travel (expense) is involved. DH missed his cousin and uncle's funerals (he was clsoe to both) because it was costly to go. His aunt made sure all the far flung relatives knew she did not want them to feel they needed to come. I missed my grandfather's becasue I was 8 months pregnant and not allowed to fly.

Honestly (I will probably be cruxified for saying this) when my mom's boyfriend died very suddenly I thought about whether I would go to my own parents' funerals IF I could not get to them in time to see them alive. Meaning, if one of my parents were very ill in the hospital I would hop a plane in an instant and figure out how to pay off the credit card later. But if they died instantly and I only knew about it after the fact, I am not sure that I would spend the probably close to $3000 for my one last minute plane ticket to Mexico from Germany to then have to deal with my grief alone on a plane for 20ish hours just to be there for mostly the show. I have no siblings. I have never met any of mom's friends in Mexico (we don't get to see each other too often and when I do go there she wants us all to herself--my Dad is very reclusive and does not have many friends; I have met his girlfriend but really do not feel a connection to the girl at all and she would have her family there to support her--whereas I would have no one). Essentially, I would not be there to support anyone. I love my parents dearly and am very close to them both. I make an effort to be conencted with them in life. Hopefully I will not be in a situation to have to make a decision about this at any point.

I certainly won't be crucifying you. I've struggled with those same feelings myself.

As a general rule, I do not attend funerals.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just be honest with your dad. He is not going to like hearing it however he has no choice but to accept your answer. Maybe talk to him in person and then give him a few hugs and tell him you love him.

There is really nothing you are going to be able to say to him to make him "unmad". But maybe you can soften him up to see your side of things.

Good advice here If he keeps at it long term eventually just quit responding. For now he is hurting though so just offer your support to him without apologizing for your actions (since you did nothing wrong).

 

[cheermom1]

for those who say they would go for the family..the family is all her family that had no contact with us and never cared to...the only ones I know that would be there would be my parents and my bro..my sis and my other bro didn't go either...

 

[Angelhalo]

for those who say they would go for the family..the family is all her family that had no contact with us and never cared to...the only ones I know that would be there would be my parents and my bro..my sis and my other bro didn't go either...

I've been to tons of funerals where I knew only my parents or a sibling. I guess thats just the way I was raised so it isn't a big deal. I drive a couple of hurs, show my respects to the family, go grab a bite to eat and head home. In the long run it didn't cost me much and I feel better about myself knowing I made the effort.

 

[cheermom1]

thanks ladies I will talk to me dad ...

 

[NHdisneylover]

I certainly won't be crucifying you. I've struggled with those same feelings myself.

As a general rule, I do not attend funerals.

thanks. I have thought I must be terrible to even think that, but I just don't think I could be up for the flight in such a situation even if the pratical issue of money were not there.

OP--good luck on the talk with your dad

 

[cheermom1]

thanks. I have thought I must be terrible to even think that, but I just don't think I could be up for the flight in such a situation even if the pratical issue of money were not there.

OP--good luck on the talk with your dad

I wouldn't think much of that either, we all grieve in our own way...I told my parents long ago that I wanted nothing form them when they die. NOTHING! I saw way too many family members fight over my grandmas and others things that it made me sick

I have never thought of something like that only b/c we live within 15 min. of my parents..however in a few years i'll be moving across the county so I need to think about that ...

thanks for the good luck..

 

[ali92579]

I know what you mean, my grandfather actaully passed away last Sunday and his funeral was this past Friday. There were a lot of people that showed up that I had never even met or heard of all the years I had known my grandpa don.