Expessing sympathy to a Jewish family during a family death????

[Mkrop]

I how that title was ok. Anyway my DB's GF is Jewish and her grandfather died yesterday. We are all Catholic and most of the people I grew up with and know now are Catholic. When someone dies in the Catholic faith, we can send a Mass card, flowers, fruit basket, attend a viewing and the funeral Mass.

What is appropriate for a non Jewish person to do to express their sympathies to her family at this time. I did not know the man, and I only met her parents twice. A sympathy card, fruit basket???? I dont even know what Jewish faith she is, orthodox, reformed although she eats pork so I guess not orthodox, see I dont know.

I do not know a whole lot about the Jewish faith in fact I was thinking about posting a thread asking for some basics so I could understand different things in case my DB decides to pop the question. Maybe I will still do this another day.

Thanks for any help!

 

[Charade]

I would just send a generic (non-religious) sympathy card.

 

[lowie]

being that you didn't know the grandfather well, i think that a card would be just fine. for closer friends and relatives, I'll usually send a donation in their family name or fruit/food platter it they are going to sit shiva (mourn)

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Food is always nice to send but make sureit is from a Kosher place in case they are strict about their religion. Another thing I have done for a Jewish friend (I'm Catholic too) was call the local temple and you can have a tree planted in Israel and named for the deceased. She really liked that and it wasn't very expensive.

 

[LaraK]

If you want to send something, contact a Kosher deli and send a tray to the Shiva house. Another good idea is to make a donation in her grandfather's name to a charity/hospital and they will give you a donation card to send to the family (especially if there is a specific ailment he died of such as cancer, donate to the cancer program at the local hospital)

 

[Mkrop]

So could I just send a fruit basket froma local florist to her parents house. Fruit is nota problem for Kosher, correct??? I dont know if and where they are sitting shiva, would there be an obit? I have a feeling my brother is not going to be very helpful so I would like to do the appropraite thing. And I just know my mom she is going to call me aand be what do I do. She is even more clueless than me!

 

[debbi801]

A fruit basket would be fine, any type of "food" item delivered to the shiva house is acceptable, but I agree with ensuring it is Kosher, if you're sending "real" food. Cards are fine, provided they are "sorrry for your loss" type cards and not cards that are religious in nature (unless you find one with Hebrew prayers). A donation to a Jewish charity, planting a tree in Israel, or even a donation to their shul in his honor would be very nice. What ever you do, please do not send flowers--to the funeral home, cemetary, or shiva house.

It is very nice that you're wanting to do something.

 

[Mkrop]

ok thank you for your replies! I think I will do a fruit basket but I need to wait and find out about where they are sitting shiva???? If this is not at GF's parents house, can I still send it there? That would most likely be the only address we will have. GF and DB live together in an apt.

I did read online about no flowers so thanks for the heads up on that.

Ok I have a sympathy card (DH was suppose to use it for an old boss but I think he forgot ) Anyway is this ok it says on the front:
With Sympathy to You and Your Family
Inside:May it bring comfort to know that many thoughts and prayers are with you.

Is that generic enough?

I really appreciate all this, because I certainly dont want to do anything inappropriate.

 

[cherylp3]

The card should be fine.

 

[Mkrop]

ok now I just talked to my mom and the family is up in the air about when the service is going to be. I thought it had to be right away. The grandfather is being creamated and I dont think they are doing a formal shiva if the GF is planning to go to my aunt's house for a bbq on Sat. She told my mom that they would still make it they(DB and GF) would just come after the service?????

I am confused .

My head hurts, I talked to a florist(I had to send another gift basket to my BFF) after asking all of you and asked what to do and she said a gift basket with just fruit or fruit and sweets. I think at this point I will send the card and then order the basket from my mom, brother and my family and call it a day!

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

I'm just curious but why can't you send flowers?

 

[debbi801]

ok now I just talked to my mom and the family is up in the air about when the service is going to be. I thought it had to be right away. The grandfather is being creamated and I dont think they are doing a formal shiva if the GF is planning to go to my aunt's house for a bbq on Sat. She told my mom that they would still make it they(DB and GF) would just come after the service?????

I am confused .

My head hurts, I talked to a florist(I had to send another gift basket to my BFF) after asking all of you and asked what to do and she said a gift basket with just fruit or fruit and sweets. I think at this point I will send the card and then order the basket from my mom, brother and my family and call it a day!

Traditionally, Jewish funerals are held as soon as possible, allowing for loved ones to come in from far distances--usually with in a day or so. But, traditionally, Jews are not creamated either. My grandmother insisted she wanted to be creamated and it was difficult to find a Rabbi to lead the service and she was not allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetary.

In any case, you would want to send the fruit basket (or fruit and sweets is fine too) to where ever they are sitting.

 

[DizznyChick]

i've also read about having a tree planted - i had the link saved
https://secure2.convio.net/jnf/site...EW_PRODUCT=true&product_id=1021&store_id=3181

 

[ARLO1]

In the jewish religion you dont send flowers. I dont know the exact reasons at the moment but will look it up when i get home.

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

In the jewish religion you dont send flowers. I dont know the exact reasons at the moment but will look it up when i get home.

Did you find the reason. I know nothing about the Jewish faith and I had never heard of the flower thing before.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I found this...

Jews do not send flowers, but when paying a Shiva call it is appropriate to bring food, because the person mourning is not supposed to worry about such mundane matters.

http://www.ujc.org/page.html?ArticleID=937

 

[Deb in IA]

Here's another reference:

Flowers are normally not sent, for the following reasons:
+ Simplicity. The tradition in Judaism is to keep funerals as
simple as possible, to make everyone equal in death.
+ Tradition. Although flowers are not prohibited, the custom
arose over time of not sending flowers, and making
contributions instead. In ancient days, the Talmud informs
us, fragrant flowers and spices were used at the funeral to
offset the odor of the decaying body. Today, this is no
longer essential and thus, many Jews do not use them at
Jewish funerals at all. Most feel it is much better to honor
the deceased by making a contribution to a synagogue or
hospital, or to a medical research association for the
disease which afflicted the deceased. This method of tribute
is more lasting and meaningful.


http://www.faqs.org/faqs/judaism/FAQ/05-Worship/section-62.html

 

[JennyMominRI]

Remember at the end of Schindlers List that they all filed past and put rocks on Schindler's grave? Flowers die and blow away but a rock will stay there forever..You will see roks on or near Jewish graves.
Just something I though some might find interesting

 

[Mkrop]

Remember at the end of Schindlers List that they all filed past and ut rocks on his grave? Flowers die and blow away but a rock will stay there forever..You will see roks on or near Jewish graves.
Just something I though some might find interesting

I do remember that scence, very powerful!

Like I said I think I need a Judiasm 101 or Judiasm for Dummies book if my brother stays with and maybe marries this girl, and I think that is a good possibility.

My mom and I found a florist near her parents house that had Kosher baskets so we sent a large one from my family, her and my brother.

GF called to say thank you and that her parents are very busy with arrangements right now.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice. I find it very interesting to learn about other faiths, traditions and customs.

 

[goofygirl]

Also if you see a pitcher of water outside a shiva house this is for people coming back to the house from the cemetary- you are supposed to wash your hands before entering the house. The idea is to "wash the death" off your hands before you go in.