Experiences with Dad's winning custody? (vent and long)

[KimRaye]

Current status is they are married, going through a divorce, sharing the marital residence..

The prior divorce was joint custody and, my brother was the custodial parent and, she had visitation rights.

Thanks for the temporary order advice, I will tell him to have his lawyer get on this right away!

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

glad I could help.

 

[mcnuss]

I don't know if she legally shares custody with him. not whether she's a good mother or whether she leaves the kids with him, but the legal status of the parties.

Interesting legal question here, really. Does the subsequent re-marriage of the parties moot the original order of custody? My gut tells me that the court will throw it out and start all over again, too many years have passed and the positions of the parties have changed. KimRaye, the reason I am pondering this is two-fold, 1) bc your brother needs to know his current rights as to whether his wife can take the child when she leaves and how to handle that and 2) bc there is often a different standard applied to a new custody case as opposed to a modification of a existing order. State law is going to vary on this point, so what would happen here is hard to predict. Regardless, I would agree with BR's advice about the temporary order and I would tell him to get moving, esp. if he was already served.

As to my advice about the lawyer, sometimes you get what you pay for, if you know what I mean. He needs to be sure he trusts her and that she's competent to handle what may become a tricky case. If she's not, he has to evaluate whether or not it's worth paying someone with the right expertise.

 

[KimRaye]

Thanks mcnuss. I know what you mean by "getting what you pay for". My brother isn't paying the lawyer but, his union is. It's one of his benefits of a very strong and powerful union here in Chicago.

I also believe that the original 'custody' order died when they remarried which, if it did, would also apply to their belongings that they had when they remarried and, who had what and, what they have acquired in just these past 5 or so years, not from the beginning. When it plays to her favor, sil wants to go back to the beginning but, when it doesn't suit her, she wants to go with the current period of time only. She's evil I tell ya.

She began removing things from the home this weekend, I guess that was move #2 on her part, after declaring her intentions about their son. My brother did speak with his attorney on Sat. and she was going to go in today and seek some kind of emergency restraint or, cease and desist or something, not sure. I haven't heard tonight what happened tho. (Sometimes I prefer not knowing)

Thanks again.

 

[Belle1962]

Just spent two and a half years and $16K on custody case of my grandson--my son eventually won 50/50 physical and legal custody.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!

DB should keep a journal---every day--who did what for the child--meals, take to school, homework, etc. When he calls his DS, when she calls. Tell him to get as much time as possible with the child. Make notes after each and every conversation with the mother. If 10--the child can keep a journal too.

Check the laws in your state--where we live is referred to as a "one party" state. Only one party needs to be aware a conversation is being taped--that would be the person doing the taping. Radio Shack will become your best friend. They have devices that can record from both your home phone and cell phone. They also have printing caller id machines that will record all incoming and outgoing phone numbers, dates and time. This will help verify the number of times DS calls his DS and when she calls him, etc.

Make sure Db stays active in DS's school and outside activities. If DS is enrolled in sports/camps./etc all the better--esp if mother doesn't get involved and child "misses" he is with mother. Have DB obtain school records---does his son's attendance suffer when he is with mother? Does he miss more class work? Have Db get DS's medical records--who has taken him to the dr--mother or father. Is he up tot date on visits and immunizations? Dentist? Father should also voluntarily take a parenting class--most courts offer a divorcing parent seminar.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

While most states have best interests of the child in the intent of the law--there is still a huge bias in favor of mothers. There are lots of websites that have great info:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/


word on guardian ad litems: be CAREFUL!!!!!! In some states/counties these are really just lay people who get a few hours of training and then are "qualified" to make life altering decisions on "behalf" of the children. My son did not have one.

REMEMBER: There is still a HUGE bias AGAINST fathers in the court system. He will have to fight doubly hard, have concrete evidence (journal, pictures, recordings, etc) and invest a lot of time and $$$$ in this fight.

 

[septbride2002]

Just wanted to add that I don't think a court can award or not award custody based on having daycare/babysitters/childcare. I just mention this because you noted that your family has always been there to help with your nephew but she will have to rely on daycare or babysitters. I don't think the court is allowed to use this as a determining factor. However I am not a lawyer and this might have changed since I did the research on it.

~Amanda

 

[browneyes]

I would think the court would look at the fact she didn't want him before.

for your nephew. Poor guy.

 

[Rajah]

No advice, but I wanted to send some P&PD and some that direction. Keep us posted, please?

 

[stego]

put yourself in his shoes. Family torn apart some time ago.
And now again, after reconcilition. It never ceases to amaze me how it comes to it being all about the adults. Particularly your SIL.
It appears she will use every resource available to put HER needs before her son's. She will justify it to no end. Her feelings and insecurities will come first. Your brother will be fighting tooth and nail, emotionally, financially and spiritually wiped out. The courts, attorneys, mediators will do their jobs, case number #, and go home at 5pm. And your nephew will live in it, his feelings and emotions secondary to everyone else.

How do I know all this? I have lived it. Whether your SIL is in recovery is beside the point. I won't go off too far and tell you that she's going through the motions. I sincerely believe she's using again. If she was thoroughly working the program of AA,
then surely she would see her part in all of this, and go through
ANY recourse to do the right thing for her son. But it is clear through the actions you stated that she is NOT.

Your brother's and nephew's journey is just beginning. She will go down fighting, and look out if you get in her way. The best thing you can do is pass on the information you have found here and be there for your brother, and your nephew, as you have stated. This is their journey, albeit what will be a hard one. I would suggest being the "rock of support"; discard opinions and ideas and be there for them in love.

Not sure any of us can add more than that.

Fred

 

[KimRaye]

Fred, I'm in tears here at work. You have described my evil sil perfectly. You have no idea how much a little understanding feels. Thank you sincerely.

I have told my own brother that the only one I feel sorry for is my nephew. Bro & sil did this to each other, again, too bad for them. It's my poor nephew I worry about tho.

 

[Cruise04]

I don't have any advice or knowledge on this but I just wanted to wish your nephew many hugs.....I can't imagine if my ex would have gotten custody of my daughter because he has proven that just with custody he's not a fit parent. And your sil doesn't sound like she's very fit either. I wish them luck!!!!