Ex-spouses at funerals....

[foreUT]

Agree with everyone who stated it is situation specific. I do think it is sad that acrimony can't be put aside for a funeral, but, I know, that is sometimes impossible. I saw it when my uncle died. Awful for my Dad (his brother) and impressed upon me the importance of being civil, no matter how difficult it might be.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I went to my ex's mother's funeral. I will admit I did feel a bit strange, but I was going to not only support my son (this was his grandmother), but I really did care about my mother in law and was very sad to see her pass.

During the luncheon, I sat with my ex and his wife, along with the kids. I sort of wonder what everyone thought. I hope they saw that we get along well now!

 

[Mom_Rides]

My mom and dad divorced 36 years ago. My mom attended my fathers fathers funeral (she said for me not them) and my dad, stepmom, paternal grandma, and dads sister attended the visitation for my maternal grandfather. I appreciated my parents putting aside their differences for my sake.

DHs ex wife attended the visitation when DHs grandfather passed. She's not well liked by anyone in the family but was gracious and shared her sympathies with the entire family. She stayed what I felt to be an appropriate amount of time, not overstaying her welcome.

I have been to some funerals where eyebrows raised when the ex walked in though.

 

[Jaya]

Years ago, I had a job with a newspaper. One of my duties was taking death notices, which were usually called in by the funeral home, but sometimes by the family.

One morning I got a call from a family member for his father's funeral. (Names, of course, are made up). It went like this: "John Doe, beloved husband of the late Eleanor Doe. Father of John Jr., Harry, Sally and Edward. Funeral at ABC Funeral Home, Tuesday at 11:00 a.m."

Minutes later, I get a call from ABC Funeral Home with a death notice: "John Doe, beloved husband of Mary Doe. Father of Tom, Bob, and Susan. Funeral at ABC Funeral Home, Tuesday at 2:00 p.m."

I said that it must be unusual to have two people with the same name having funerals the same day. "No,", said the funeral home director, "Same person. The "first family" and the "second family" absolutely refuse to be at the funeral home together, never mind having a funeral together, so there will be two funerals." Apparently, the "second family" had the legal right to the body and their funeral was later that day so that they could go directly to the cemetery for burial. I'm assuming no one from the "first family" would be in attendance.

What a sad, sad situation.

 

[lisaviolet]

While divorced, these people shared a life and love for a time. I can not imagine not allowing someone with that kind of connection a chance to say goodbye.

Sighing, I so agree.

I guess I think that when someone dies - of course the present family should be respected as far as graciousness and personal space - everyone who loved them should have the opportunity to be at funeral and say their goodbyes.

 

[lisaviolet]

Maybe I'm just a peace loving hippie.

Maybe. My thoughts: emotionally intelligent.

And I know from my own life that age has no bearing on when and IF that ever comes.

 

[kathie859]

Jaya...That's just so sad. I have to wonder the backstory that would create such disharmony.

 

[My2Qtz0205]

My mom and I attended my ex-stepfather's funeral. His son had called my mom to let her know of his death. We did sit in the back, because ex-SF's first wife (whom he had been living with) would not have been happy that we were there. We did, however, approach at the end of the service to give our condolences to the son and ex-SF's sister and BIL.

 

[lisaviolet]

What a sad, sad situation.

Sighing. Absolutely.

 

[luvsJack]

I would go to my ex's funeral to be there for our sons. I will go to his 2nd wife's funeral (she is in very bad health) for the same reason.

My ex came to my dad's funeral. He wanted to be there for our sons who were extremely close to my dad. He took my dad's death really hard. His own dad died a short time later and I went to that funeral. His mom seemed glad to have me there as his dad always loved me like a daughter--even though she hated me with a passion when ex and I were married.

His mom died just a few months ago but I didn't attend that one. For reasons I cannot explain, his sisters have suddenly decided that its my fault he is alone in his life and I knew there would be too many hard feelings.

I think it depends on the family dynamics at the time of the death and how it will effect those at the funeral. Sometimes it will do more harm than good.

 

[tzolkin]

I don't have any personal experience with divorce, but I just don't believe that in most situations a divorce completely severs all ties that an individual has to a family.

For example, my uncle and his wife divorced about two years before my wedding. Just before I sent out the invitations his new girlfriend said "you're obviously not inviting her, are you?" I responded that I was and that I assumed she would come. She was shocked and horrified and asked why I thought she would/should attend. When I replied that she was my aunt she yelled at me "No, she's your EX aunt"

I just find that attitude ridiculous. This aunt had been a part of our family for over 30 years. Should she really be excluded from family functions that her children and grandchildren are attending because she and my uncle decided to end their marriage.

I can understand if they really can't get along or if their presence stirs up family drama, but over 10 years later this aunt is still happily welcomed at family functions.

 

[Buckalew11]

When my dad died my ex BF and my sister's ex BF both came to the funeral home.

When my mom passes, I would be surprised to see exBIL there. I think he should come and come alone but I doubt he will show up and his teenybopper GF would be escorted out.

If he dies and any arrangements are here, I'm sure I'll go. She might have me escorted out though.