Ettiquette question (ordering dinner on someone else's dime)

[elaine amj]

As the host, your responsibility is to set the tone. If you want your guest to feel comfortable going hog wild, by all means verbally encourage them to do so.

 

[tcufrog]

While I'm prefer to be the gracious host and will sometimes order a bottle of wine, appetizers and encourage dessert when inviting people out (we don't do it often), I do get annoyed when I feel like people are taking advantage of our generosity. We once took out a couple who proceeded to order the most expensive thing of everything on the menu including wine, starter, main course and dessert. We got the feeling that they did it not because they were things they would love to try but because they were the most expensive things on the menu and they weren't picking up the tab. That offended me. I would have been happy to pay for their lobster and shellfish dish if I had gotten the impression that they truly loved and enjoyed lobster and shellfish or perhaps if they were excited about trying them for the first time but I didn't get that impression at all. They also never returned the favor of either hosting us at a restaurant or cooking us dinner. We felt used afterwards and never made plans with them again.

 

[disneypanda11]

It is always prudent to follow suit with the host/ess. Whether that person is a friend/family member and ESPECIALLY if that person is a business associate or superior, I believe it wise to order something equivalent or less costly than they have. I would not feel it appropriate to order "extras" (either a more expensive meal, wine, dessert, etc.) then offer to pay for them myself. I believe this could risk an uncomfortable situation for all. That being said, there will be times that you are asked to order before your host/ess, and in those cases, I always go middle of the road (not the most, not the least expensive).

I've been in situations (mostly professionally) where someone is "going to town" because it's on someone else (the company's) dime. I guarantee you, unfavorable opinions are formed of these people in this situation, and they stick with people long after that person has polished off their 3rd glass of expensive wine and piece of chocolate cake!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.

We once took out a couple who proceeded to order the most expensive thing of everything on the menu including wine, starter, main course and dessert. We got the feeling that they did it not because they were things they would love to try but because they were the most expensive things on the menu and they weren't picking up the tab. That offended me.

Both of these guests are extremely rude.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I've been in situations (mostly professionally) where someone is "going to town" because it's on someone else (the company's) dime. I guarantee you, unfavorable opinions are formed of these people in this situation, and they stick with people long after that person has polished off their 3rd glass of expensive wine and piece of chocolate cake!

I have to agree with you here. Even in a business expense account situation, people who are greedy (and ordering the most expensive appetizer, wine, main course, dessert, aperitif, etc. just because someone else is paying for it is indeed GREEDY) are looked down upon.

We have a few of these people in our company and everyone knows who they are. Funny how they order water and the cheapest thing on the menu when they are paying for themselves.

 

[littleblackegg]

There are so many things to consider-who is the host? An employer? An old friend? A family member? Where are you eating? Is it a high-end, white tablecloth establishment, or the pizza joint down the street? What is the occasion? Are you being considered for a promotion? Are you celebrating something? The onus of setting the tone for the meal is always on the host. If you ask someone to be your guest for a meal, it is an act of graciousness and goodwill. I always plan that my guest may order cocktails, wine, an appetizer, an entree and dessert. That way, I am never surprised. Taking someone out to eat is a gift, and I don't do it often. Also, I consider the venue. If everybody else is having pizza and beer, we are likely to have pizza and beer, too. There are so few hard and fast rules for these things, but I can definitely say that it is important to be polite and express thanks for the opportunity to dine with your guest, and to send a thank you note within a few days.

 

[littleblackegg]

What's the correct ettiquette for ordering off a menu, when someone else is paying?

When you've been invited out to dinner, do you feel you can order anything you like on the menu?

Or do you try to order something inexpensive, to keep costs down?

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.

Another person I know say this is a terrible breach of etiquette on her part. He says we should always try to order the cheaper items on the menu, out of consideration for the host. We should stick to the basics and leave it up to the host to offer extras like dessert (but not expect them). And we should always offer to pay for our own wine, especially if we're the only one drinking. He says a guest should NEVER order the most expensive item on the menu, or have the largest portion of the bill.

I find this dispute kind of odd, especially because the first person I described is actually the one with all the fine manners, high society attitude, and fussiness about table ettiquette. The second person is very down-to-earth and "small-town". He wouldn't lick his plate in a restaurant, but he'll do it at home. And he insists she's the rude one.

So... I'm curious. What's considered "proper" here?

Why would you continue to take this woman and her children out to eat if this is troublesome for you? What determines if this is rude behavior on her part has a great deal to do with her relationship with you. I assume she is a family member or close friend if children are present. How long have you known her? If you have developed a personal, close relationship with a person who feels comfortable bringing her children out for a meal with you, she obviously feels she and her kids are being "treated" in some way. So, if you know how these meals go, just have fewer of them. Or none. I wouldn't worry about what is right or wrong.

 

[Magpie]

Why would you continue to take this woman and her children out to eat if this is troublesome for you? What determines if this is rude behavior on her part has a great deal to do with her relationship with you. I assume she is a family member or close friend if children are present. How long have you known her? If you have developed a personal, close relationship with a person who feels comfortable bringing her children out for a meal with you, she obviously feels she and her kids are being "treated" in some way. So, if you know how these meals go, just have fewer of them. Or none. I wouldn't worry about what is right or wrong.

They're our children and, yes, I'm related to her. Taking her out to dinner is basically obligatory on various occasions, including anyone's birthday, certain holidays, etc.

It bothers my husband a lot more than me. After all these years, we all know what to expect and can budget accordingly. Knowing her, I strongly suspect she believes she's setting a good example of class, fine dining, and good taste for the rest of us. She's been trying for years to convince me to drink, because she thinks it's what grown up, sophisticated people do. (I'm actually exceedingly fond of her, dining quirks aside!)

 

[littleblackegg]

They're our children and, yes, I'm related to her. Taking her out to dinner is basically obligatory on various occasions, including anyone's birthday, certain holidays, etc.

It bothers my husband a lot more than me. After all these years, we all know what to expect and can budget accordingly. Knowing her, I strongly suspect she believes she's setting a good example of class, fine dining, and good taste for the rest of us. She's been trying for years to convince me to drink, because she thinks it's what grown up, sophisticated people do. (I'm actually exceedingly fond of her, dining quirks aside!)

She's not breaching etiquette. She's family. We all have the indulgent eaters in our family and if taking them out occasionally isn't going to break the bank, by all means we should do so. My own mother had an insane love of fish-n-chips and a fine ale, and she could put away a lot of it. I loved talking to her about books and music and politics while she plowed through her pub food and drink. It made her so happy. Now that she is gone, I can't see a bottle of malt vinegar without tearing up a bit. She was a total nut, and I am glad for those moments. So, cheers! We only get a handful of decades on the planet with those we enjoy. Have dessert. P.S. You must watch the 1990's British comedy Keeping Up Appearances. You will not stop laughing. It's on Netflix.

 

[Magpie]

She's not breaching etiquette. She's family. We all have the indulgent eaters in our family and if taking them out occasionally isn't going to break the bank, by all means we should do so. My own mother had an insane love of fish-n-chips and a fine ale, and she could put away a lot of it. I loved talking to her about books and music and politics while she plowed through her pub food and drink. It made her so happy. Now that she is gone, I can't see a bottle of malt vinegar without tearing up a bit. She was a total nut, and I am glad for those moments. So, cheers! We only get a handful of decades on the planet with those we enjoy. Have dessert. P.S. You must watch the 1990's British comedy Keeping Up Appearances. You will not stop laughing. It's on Netflix.

I will! I love British comedies. Thanks.

 

[jaxster]

It's not easy to figure out what to order when you don't know the meal that the person you're with is ordering! I just usually order the cheapest item on the menu! Another dining problem is when someone asks me to join them for a meal yet asks if I have my own money to pay, isn't the person who is inviting supposed to be the one who pays?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

OOOOOOOO A zombie thread.

6 out of 10 zombies said you eat the rest, I get the brains.
3 out of 10 zombies said no need to stand on ceremony. Dig in.
1 zombie said how bout we show you?
We declined and ended the survey. She, didn't want to take no for an answer. So we got out of there quickly and ended the survey

 

[aprilgail]

I would not order anything more expensive than the hosts and never an appetizer or dessert unless host orders dessert first. Also never would order drinks other than water anyway.

 

[Chickinvic]

If I invite guests out to dinner (our treat) I want them to order anything they want. I wouldn't pick a restaurant that I couldn't afford. So, go nuts - it's on me. If someone else is treating us, I will try to guage how they are ordering (if they don't do appetisers, then I won't, etc).

 

[Praying Colonel]

Ladies and gentlemen, a Double Zombie Thread! Started in 2011, was dormant until 2015 when it became undead, and now it's undead again.

 

[L&Lfan]

Even though money’s no object when I pay, I would just feel uncomfortable ordering anything really expensive when I’ve been invited out. I would usually order something in the mid $20 range and a cocktail if others are drinking. No appetizers or dessert.

 

[wilbret]

Always make them order first. ;-)

 

[wilbret]

Ladies and gentlemen, a Double Zombie Thread! Started in 2011, was dormant until 2015 when it became undead, and now it's undead again.

Zombies are still hot. Obviously they trend every 4 years.

 

[kaytieeldr]

especially because the first person I described is actually the one with all the fine manners, high society attitude, and fussiness about table ettiquette.

No. She isn't. Taking advantage of a host's generosity is questionable. Multiple times with varying hosts? Poor etiquette.

 

[brockash]

What's the correct ettiquette for ordering off a menu, when someone else is paying?

When you've been invited out to dinner, do you feel you can order anything you like on the menu?

Or do you try to order something inexpensive, to keep costs down?

I know someone who, whenever we take her out, will order whatever grabs her fancy (usually expensive), and then insists on ordering wine on top of that, even if everyone else at the table is drinking water. She doesn't think twice about adding in appetizers, either. Or dessert. And she'll try to talk the kids into ordering more, too, because she doesn't like being the only one eating dessert.

Another person I know say this is a terrible breach of etiquette on her part. He says we should always try to order the cheaper items on the menu, out of consideration for the host. We should stick to the basics and leave it up to the host to offer extras like dessert (but not expect them). And we should always offer to pay for our own wine, especially if we're the only one drinking. He says a guest should NEVER order the most expensive item on the menu, or have the largest portion of the bill.

I find this dispute kind of odd, especially because the first person I described is actually the one with all the fine manners, high society attitude, and fussiness about table ettiquette. The second person is very down-to-earth and "small-town". He wouldn't lick his plate in a restaurant, but he'll do it at home. And he insists she's the rude one.

So... I'm curious. What's considered "proper" here?

I tend to agree with friend #2. I think ppl. shouldn't go out of their way to order the "cheapest" thing, but I do think ordering apps, alcohol, desserts when no one else is is being rude when you're not paying.