Etiquette--re: death

[goofy4tink]

At the risk of getting my head handed to me, on a platter, can I make a suggestion? It might help the OP if you mention what part of the country you're in if you recommend giving cash. That might help her make a better decision. Here in the NE we don't routinely give cash in a card for a death. We do give monetary donations to listed charities, but that's not the same as cash in the card.
Just a thought.

 

[AnnaS]

I agree - we just had my bil's wake/funeral and even though it's not that far from us (PA)- there were some minor differences in how it's more or less done here in NY.


No right or wrong -

Sometimes the family will ask for donations to a certain charity instead of flowers.

Some will send a fruit basket, breakfast basket to the house. Some will prepare a meal or two.

Depending on the family situation - (and since too many flower arrangements is now really considered a waste - immediately family always send flower arrangement anyway - you do need some at the funeral home) -

money is fine and sometimes welcomed (unexpected funeral expenses, lost time at work, loss of an income, etc.)

Some are more religious and will buy mass cards at their local church. A certain date is chosen and that mass will be in memory of the deceased.

Work related - many will have a collection and some may attend the wake/funeral.

I would keep contact with her and let her know that you are thinking of her. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her (if you can). She might need a break, a distraction also in the meantime.

 

[disneylovin24]

I have never heard of sending cash in a sympathy card.

By me usually they ask for any donations to be made to charities and if you feel close enough to someone you send flowers to the funeral.

 

[Freesia123]

If you'd like to acknowledge it, send a card and attend the service. You can make a donation in his name to any charity ($10-$20 is acceptable), and they will send her the receipt which will be tax deductible when she has to do his taxes. It is however not expected. I think may e 25% of people do this.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I know it seems to be a good and kind thing to tell someone in this situation, or who has lost a loved one, "Let me know if you need anything," but actually that statement has very little help attached to it.

Be specific. Don't offer to do something you don't want to do. As an example, you could contact the person and say, "Do you need me to pick up any groceries for you? Dry Cleaning? Take the kids for a bit? Mow the lawn? Shovel the snow," those sorts of things. State exactly what you can do, and then do it if your offer is accepted.

Food seems to be a general comfort measure and that is valuable. It helps if you know what the family most likes, and don't forget to provide reheating instructions if that would be applicable.

Most importantly treat the survivors like normal human beings. You are not going to "hurt them" if you "bring up the death, or illness" so asking after the dying person is perfectly fine and a compassionate thing to do. You are not going to "remind them" of the sadness of loss, it's inescapable so don't let that be your excuse.

Giving money in a sympathy card is not something that I've ever seen done, and I would be terribly offended by it on a personal note. If there is need for financial assistance then a dear friend could coordinate a collection for the family. Sometimes families will designate a charity or agency where they'd like donations sent in lieu of flowers. That is very appropriate.

If a collection is going to be taken up, then I would make it for a very specific "thing" that way when it's given to the family, it can be stated. Otherwise it's uncomfortably close to putting a financial marker on loss and that is clearly not the intent.

Treat someone exactly as you'd like to be treated in the same situation and you most likely won't go wrong.

 

[SLCborn]

I know for us it was very helpful when people brought frozen meals with heating instructions so we could just put something in the oven/crockpot to cook.

Another thing I agree with is be specific. Hey I'm going to Costco can I get you anything?? I'm going to XYZ do you need something?? The big bag of paper plates,cups, forks,knives is an AWESOME idea!!! I may steal that!

I would donate to cancer research in their name and I would do so regardless of if they suggested it or not. And last just be there!

 

[krcit]

That is how its done here too- I remember all the cards when my dad died had cash in them plus my job did a big collection and gave me the cash too. Most everyone I know gives cash or if they ask for donations to someplace then a check for that. When my godson died almost the entire funeral was paid for by people giving money in cards!

Really?? I'm from right by you and I have never seen the cash thing! Well, I have seen collections like when a kid at school has a parent pass away, they will do a collection but when my dad died, I don't recall getting being given any money. I wonder if it's a faith based thing? I'm Catholic.

 

[DebbieB]

Really?? I'm from right by you and I have never seen the cash thing! Well, I have seen collections like when a kid at school has a parent pass away, they will do a collection but when my dad died, I don't recall getting being given any money. I wonder if it's a faith based thing? I'm Catholic.

It's not faith based, I think it's regional. My mom was given cards with money when my dad died (Western PA). It was sudden and they knew he didn't have any prior arrangements. There were also mass cards even though we aren't Catholic (given by Catholics). When my mom died, we specified a charity in the death notice, so money went there.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

When my dad died two years ago, almost every single card had money in it. We used it to pay for his cremation. It was incredibly helpful. I live in WI.

 

[sharonmickey]

I live in Western PA and the only time I've heard of sending money is when a child dies and the family is struggling financially - then the school district will ask employees and friends to donate to a fund that will help pay for the funeral. In this area it is considered tacky to send money directly to the family. Many people ask for donations to be sent to a favorite charity.

If you are close to your co-worker perhaps send food or a gift certificate while she is spending time with her husband. After he passes I agree with a PP that suggested paper products. When my father-in-law passed someone gave a bag with paper plates, napkins, cups, plastic silverware. It was great not to have to worry about dishes.

 

[ReneeA]

Michigan here. I always put cash in with a sympathy card, and when my MIL passed, we received money in cards. It was nice, my in laws aren't very well off and it helped with the cost of the funeral luncheon. FWIW, we're Catholic.

 

[krcit]

It's not faith based, I think it's regional. My mom was given cards with money when my dad died (Western PA). It was sudden and they knew he didn't have any prior arrangements. There were also mass cards even though we aren't Catholic (given by Catholics). When my mom died, we specified a charity in the death notice, so money went there.

I live right by AprilGail and have never seen it done that's why I was wondering if it was a religion thing. Hmmm. My dad died suddenly at 54 and people sent food, flowers etc but not money. Maybe it's done more than I realize.. I giess I wouldn't know unless I was immediate family..now that I'm thinking of it when my best friend passed away, I know some people did send her husband some money. I had forgotten.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I have never heard of sending money in a sympathy card (north western NJ). Some people send Mass cards, some flowers, food, some just a nice sympathy card. A donation to a charity, church or non profit is always nice.

Generally for a co workers spouse we send flowers from the company and we try to attend the viewing, you don't need to stay long and often you could tag along with other co workers.

 

[DisneyDiva8401]

I'm in Alabama and I've never heard of giving money with a sympathy card. Sometimes if the family isn't well off and needs help with expenses, a close friend or relative will let people know and take up a collection to go towards burial costs. Other than that, i wouldnt send money. Bringing food is always a 'must-do' here-and lots of it, like fried chicken and BBQ and stuff to feed a lot of people because there will more than likely be a lot of relatives and extended family come in for the funeral. The obituary usually will say if they prefer charitable donations in lieu of flowers. As far as your job goes, usually all coworkers will go in together and do something collectively. But if you are closer to this coworker, you may want to do a little something's extra, like run a few errands for her or something.

 

[shortbun]

If you are 'close', send or take the flowers over now. A friend of mine used to say, 'flowers are for the living.' She was right. Offer to help. Take her a small casserole so she doesn't have to cook. Write her a note with a love tap, hug or some pixie dust in it. Add her to your prayer list if you have one. Take her a lavender sachet so she has some aroma therapy. Lavender will help her rest. Ask her what she needs-go to the grocery for her, give her some kind of respite if you feel comfortable with that, like I said-take her some fresh cut flowers in a vase with water-don't make her look for a vase or prep the flowers.

 

[thumpersfriend]

I live in Michigan. I got very tired of sending flowers of about $100.00 and finding that I could get a couple bunches of flowers at Costo for about $30.00. So I started to send money with a card saying I don't send flowers and please use the check as they see fit. Every person sent a thank you card back and stated how they used the money, some bought stamps for the cards, added to grandchildrens college funds, used for funeral dinners, etc. I really don't feel that it is tacky at all.

 

[PeterPanic]

I am young(ish) and don't have a whole lot of experience with death. Unfortunately, a close co-worker of mine is taking time off from work to care for her husband, who has terminal cancer. He will most likely die before the summer is over.

My question is, once he passes away, how do I acknowledge it? Do I send just a card? Do I send a card & money? What amount is appropriate? Do I send flowers?

In general, should you always include money along with a sympathy card? Even if it is a close relative? Especially if it is?

Any thoughts on this topic would be appreciated. Thanks!

OK, you asked so I'll be blunt. Death is not a fun thing. Remember that the person that you are sending a card to is the reason that you are sending the card. The person that has passed, no longer has need for worldly things.

All that is necessary really is a sympathy card, if you are creative and have the ability, a few personally written words to the recipient is nice, but if you just cannot or are not able to do so, a preworded card is fine. Most of the time flowers are appreciated at the wake or funeral. Obituarys are usually posted in newspapers and if they feel that the money donated to a charity is more what they would like instead of flowers, that is something you can do. If they don't specify, then any or none is OK, it depends on how close you are to the coworker. If you can you go an pay respects at the wake, that is always appreciated by the family.

I think that sending money is just tacky. If you know the survivor and know that she will have financial problems, then money might be OK. But it shouldn't be with the sympathy card, it should be with a note after things have settled down. I once knew a person who had a son pass away. He had a child that was left behind with the childs mother. These people were very well off. Not Bill Gates stature but, believe me they had plenty. They requested money to help educate their Grandchild. (still in elementary school, btw) I felt that was just too much. I know that they were grieving but really? Education of a rich persons relative. Don't think so.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I have never heard of sending money, that's new to me.

Sending flowers is usually done by family and groups. However, I prefer not to do that either whenever possible because the idea of putting pretty dead things around dead people is just odd to me.

If I am close to the person I'll send a sympathy card and a few weeks later will bring a meal or treats or send a gift card to a delivery or 'don't get out of the car' pick up place. Because sometimes when you're grieving you don't want to see people, grocery shop, or even eat (but have to).

You could take up a collection at work for a group gift if you'd like.

Another 'work thing' I've seen done is each employee who wanted to 'donated' a paid vacation day to the coworker so they could have another week or 3 off from work paid. (Most places will give you some paid time off for a spouse who dies but it never seems like enough to me.) You'd have to ask your boss first if this would be allowed.

 

[Lovin' Disney]

Thanks for all of the replies! We are in northern Wisconsin. It seems that several of the midwestern DISers do include money in a sympathy card, while the Eastern DISers do not. Once again I am surprised to find out another regional difference among us!

Her husband ended up passing away earlier this week. There are a few of us from work attending the service on the weekend together. I dropped off a card (with a couple of gift cards from local businesses in town) from my family along with a meal and some paper products (THANKS fellow DISer for that idea!). I brought over lunch for the both of us and sat and talked with her for a little while. She was alone for a couple days until her kids took off for berevement leave at the end of the week. We all signed a card at work and I sent that out as well.

That was a neat idea about donating a paid day off. However, I do the payroll at work and it wouldn't work with the system we have. But maybe we could do something similar...

 

[PeterPanic]

Thanks for all of the replies! We are in northern Wisconsin. It seems that several of the midwestern DISers do include money in a sympathy card, while the Eastern DISers do not. Once again I am surprised to find out another regional difference among us!

Her husband ended up passing away earlier this week. There are a few of us from work attending the service on the weekend together. I dropped off a card (with a couple of gift cards from local businesses in town) from my family along with a meal and some paper products (THANKS fellow DISer for that idea!). I brought over lunch for the both of us and sat and talked with her for a little while. She was alone for a couple days until her kids took off for berevement leave at the end of the week. We all signed a card at work and I sent that out as well.

That was a neat idea about donating a paid day off. However, I do the payroll at work and it wouldn't work with the system we have. But maybe we could do something similar...

Different strokes for different folks, but in my mind, it just reeks of..."listen I know you just lost someone that you loved, but here's a few bucks to make you feel better". It's wrong on so many levels that I cannot comprehend it. Do people think that sending money will ease the pain? Gifts are for joyous occasions not sad ones. However, when in Rome do as the Romans do and if it is a common tradition in the mid-west then I guess it's OK. I'd check with a few more people though and make sure that it really is the norm.

BTW, what you already have done is more than sufficient for someone that isn't a close personal friend or relative.