Etiquette--re: death

[Southernmiss]

Thanks for all of the replies! We are in northern Wisconsin. It seems that several of the midwestern DISers do include money in a sympathy card, while the Eastern DISers do not. Once again I am surprised to find out another regional difference among us!

Her husband ended up passing away earlier this week. There are a few of us from work attending the service on the weekend together. I dropped off a card (with a couple of gift cards from local businesses in town) from my family along with a meal and some paper products (THANKS fellow DISer for that idea!). I brought over lunch for the both of us and sat and talked with her for a little while. She was alone for a couple days until her kids took off for berevement leave at the end of the week. We all signed a card at work and I sent that out as well.

That was a neat idea about donating a paid day off. However, I do the payroll at work and it wouldn't work with the system we have. But maybe we could do something similar...

It sounds like you were very compassionate. I am sure it helped to bring some comfort to her. If I were in her shoes I would be appreciative of all of your gestures and see them as very thoughtful, kind and generous.

 

[shoney]

I know when my grandmother died many of her relatives and friends gave money in the sympathy cards. It was very appreciated since she didn't have any insurance. My parents had to pay for everything and there wasn't an inheritance either.

When my mom's little sister got married, there was a death in her new husbands family. She asked him about how much she should put in the card. He was shocked...and said "nothing...it is a funeral not a wedding!"
These people were much more affluent and money was not the norm.

My MIL's sister died last month. I know she received a card from a friend that contained $50 and a little note to go out to lunch.

It does seem that some give $ and some don't.

 

[DebbieB]

Different strokes for different folks, but in my mind, it just reeks of..."listen I know you just lost someone that you loved, but here's a few bucks to make you feel better". It's wrong on so many levels that I cannot comprehend it. Do people think that sending money will ease the pain? Gifts are for joyous occasions not sad ones. However, when in Rome do as the Romans do and if it is a common tradition in the mid-west then I guess it's OK. I'd check with a few more people though and make sure that it really is the norm.

BTW, what you already have done is more than sufficient for someone that isn't a close personal friend or relative.

It's not to make you feel better or ease the pain. It is to help with expenses. Makes more sense than sending flowers that are thrown away.

 

[trip]

Different strokes for different folks, but in my mind, it just reeks of..."listen I know you just lost someone that you loved, but here's a few bucks to make you feel better". It's wrong on so many levels that I cannot comprehend it. Do people think that sending money will ease the pain? Gifts are for joyous occasions not sad ones. However, when in Rome do as the Romans do and if it is a common tradition in the mid-west then I guess it's OK. I'd check with a few more people though and make sure that it really is the norm.

BTW, what you already have done is more than sufficient for someone that isn't a close personal friend or relative.

It's not to make you feel better or ease the pain. It is to help with expenses Makes more sense than sending flowers that are thrown away.

I agree with DebbieB. Not sure what the difference is if you spend money on flowers/food or just send money for them to use as needed. I'm one that won't send flowers. When my parents and Inlaws passed, I hated to deal with the flowers plus the overpowering smell of the flowers made my ill. I know you can donate them but it seemed like such a waste of money. Also, when my Dad died we got sooooo much food those first few days that some of it had to be thrown away (not able to freeze some of it). The cash that was included in cards wasn't needed but we appreciated the thought (my brother and I were able to handle the expenses) so we donated it to the town EMS department that found my Dad and the American Legion Post that attended the burial.

I hate when people declare something (funerals/weddings, etc) as being "tacky". If you don't want to do something a certain way, just don't do it! This post isn't directed at any one person I'm just having a "day" - the heat is getting to me.

 

[AnnaS]

Thanks for all of the replies! We are in northern Wisconsin. It seems that several of the midwestern DISers do include money in a sympathy card, while the Eastern DISers do not. Once again I am surprised to find out another regional difference among us!

Her husband ended up passing away earlier this week. There are a few of us from work attending the service on the weekend together. I dropped off a card (with a couple of gift cards from local businesses in town) from my family along with a meal and some paper products (THANKS fellow DISer for that idea!). I brought over lunch for the both of us and sat and talked with her for a little while. She was alone for a couple days until her kids took off for berevement leave at the end of the week. We all signed a card at work and I sent that out as well.

That was a neat idea about donating a paid day off. However, I do the payroll at work and it wouldn't work with the system we have. But maybe we could do something similar...

I am sorry. He passed quickly. I think you did really well.

Money is not given to go out and celebrate or buy a gift for the home - it's to help out someone going through a difficult time and just spent a whole lot of money wether they had it or not, expected or not. To each his own. Again, no right or wrong. We are all entitled to our opinion, thoughts, traditions, style, etc.

 

[marthachick]

I, too, think the money is given to help with expenses related either to an extended illness or to help in case there is some unmet need. In the case of the PP where there was no need, it was great that they donated the money. My parents frequently give money in the event of a death. They are truly just trying to help out. Neither grew up with much money, so they often feel that there might be a need.

 

[tvguy]

My mother passed away 2 months ago today. For me, it was nice when people took time to say "I am sorry to hear about your loss". A card isn't necessary, nor flowers and certainly not money, although a small donation to say the American Cancer Society is a nice gesture.
I got a lot of hugs too at work, which is funny, since last year we had a big seminar on how hugging someone without their permission is a violation of HR policy.

 

[MyHappiestPlace]

The above is the best thing you can do. When DH was at the end of his life I had a lot of people saying "ask if you need anything"...don't ask, just send it.

When one is going through this the last thing you want to do is call and ask people for help. Another thing that would be appreciated is offering to do any errands. Getting out of the house is difficult and just having someone to run and pick up milk and bread and drop it off would have been awesome.

Oh, and this may sound horrible, but don't expect to stay and visit. Some days are better than others and some days visiting is just impossible. Don't take it personally.

I agree with all of this. don't send money; don't say "let me know if i can do anything" - do something! doing errands is a great idea. when my brother was terminal and my parents were taking care of him, some days they couldn't get out of the house to do small things. Visiting can be horrific too. Towards the end my brother suffered from hallucinations and more and he could not carry on a conversation for any amount of time. My parents were constantly trying to get him to stay calm, safe,etc. Having visitors would have been trying to say the least.

 

[LynnTH]

Here in MN it is very common to give money. My mom passed away almost 2 years ago. The money that was given was very appreciated. My mom had to be at a Hospice Center for 10 days before she died. That bill was quite expensive. My dad used part of the money received to pay that bill and the rest of the money was split and donated to our Church and to the Hospice Center that took care of my mom, as they were wonderful to my mom and our family.

So, here it is not tacky to do so. And is what has always been done. I always put money in with the sympathy cards.