Etiquette Question

[sherabby]

A friend and neighbor passed away yesterday leaving her 7 year old daughter in the custody of her sister (whom I am also friends).
My son is friends with her daughter even though there is an age difference of 4 years. He wants to do something special for her and we found a very appropriate card at the Hallmark for her.

Would it be okay to put in a gift card for her (for something for her like Disney store?) considering that at funeral times people do give money donations to the family or would that seem inappropriate? My son just adores her and we don't want to offend the family. Just don't know what to do.

When her mom was sick over time (3 yrs) my son has given her small gifts at the holidays etc.

Any advice on what to do?

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

 

[sherabby]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

That is a good idea. Thank you! We did make a treat for her last Easter so maybe we can do that again for her this Easter.

 

[richmond282]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

I agree. I don't think it's appropriate to give a gift card at this time. Maybe do something for her a little later.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Boy, I really can't say on that one. But, I do want to express my condolences on your loss and thank you for thinking of this little girl in what I'm sure is a very trying time.

 

[poohfriend77]

I agree with the PP. It's a very sweet idea, but I'd just send the sympathy card now. Then in a few weeks, you could send a "thinking of you" card with a gift card. I'm sure she'll still need lots of support from good friends for a long time!

 

[sherabby]

Great suggestion to wait and waiting for another holiday or birthday would be a better idea. thank you for the advice!

 

[momto2inKC]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

I agree

 

[cornflake]

That's very sweet of your son.

I think I'd separate the two things. The condolence card is one thing and I agree with the above poster, it doesn't really go with a gift inside.

Don't get me wrong, please, I totally understand how it's meant and it's a lovely thing to want to do, like 'cheer up, thinking of you, want you to have something else to focus on to make you feel better.' However, I think it can read a little like 'your mom died, here's a present for that!' Like you just don't want to connect the two ideas. Even if you bought something, out of the above nice sentiment, it could be connected in someone's mind like 'that's the doll I got when my mom died,' - which could be a nice thing or depressing.

Hence - I think I'd separate them. Send the condolence card straight up with a nice message written in about how you guys are sorry, her mom was always such a great mom and anything she needs or whatever normal stuff.

Then maybe in a week or two, after the general flood of people with food fades off, put the gift card in a card saying like, you guys were thinking of her and you all love Disney so you were at the store and thought she might like to go too. Then offer to take her out on a Saturday or whatever to hang out with your son and get lunch or go bowling or what have you and go to the store if she wants.

 

[richmond282]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

I agree. I don't think it's appropriate to give a gift card at this time. Maybe do something for her a little later.

 

[mama2ella]

I agree with the others!! Very sweet of you to think of her.

Maybe in a few weeks you could take the little girl and your son to do something like Build A Bear or to the movies.

 

[akcire]

I would not enclose anything in the card.

That said, next time you see the girl how about giving here a special photo album or memory book she can make to include pictures of her mom. Or since most people's pictures now live on their phones or their sim cards a gift certificate to Walgreens or somewhere similar to get photos printed.

If you go with a photo album, let you son pick it out, I would just steer him away from cartoon characters.

When my mother-in-law died the youngest kids were 7 & 9. My husband is more than 20 years older. After a couple of weeks. We took both the kids to Hallmark and had them pick out which ever album they liked--the boy actually did not like any and his came from Target. Then we spent a Sunday going through pictures and each of them picked the photos they wanted. We had copies made and a couple of weeks later we all sat together and assembled the albums. It was actually fun. The kids picked some pictures of my mother-in-law when she was a child, a teenager, and then family pictures through the years and finally pictures of themselves as babies and fun memories they had either with her or with the family. I can tell you that they are both in their early 20's and they still look at those albums, and the youngest has hers at college.

 

[Leajess99]

A friend and neighbor passed away yesterday leaving her 7 year old daughter in the custody of her sister (whom I am also friends).
My son is friends with her daughter even though there is an age difference of 4 years. He wants to do something special for her and we found a very appropriate card at the Hallmark for her.

Would it be okay to put in a gift card for her (for something for her like Disney store?) considering that at funeral times people do give money donations to the family or would that seem inappropriate? My son just adores her and we don't want to offend the family. Just don't know what to do.

When her mom was sick over time (3 yrs) my son has given her small gifts at the holidays etc.

Any advice on what to do?

How sweet of your son and yes it would be fine to do. The little girl would remember it too. When my father died I was 9 years old. My bus driver gave me a teddy bear (I still have it 32 years later) and a small radio. I have never forgotten that I was not forgotten and had something to help me get through the pain of losing my father.

Prayers for all of you and the child and her family.

 

[sherabby]

That's very sweet of your son.

I think I'd separate the two things. The condolence card is one thing and I agree with the above poster, it doesn't really go with a gift inside.

Don't get me wrong, please, I totally understand how it's meant and it's a lovely thing to want to do, like 'cheer up, thinking of you, want you to have something else to focus on to make you feel better.' However, I think it can read a little like 'your mom died, here's a present for that!' Like you just don't want to connect the two ideas. Even if you bought something, out of the above nice sentiment, it could be connected in someone's mind like 'that's the doll I got when my mom died,' - which could be a nice thing or depressing.

Hence - I think I'd separate them. Send the condolence card straight up with a nice message written in about how you guys are sorry, her mom was always such a great mom and anything she needs or whatever normal stuff.

Then maybe in a week or two, after the general flood of people with food fades off, put the gift card in a card saying like, you guys were thinking of her and you all love Disney so you were at the store and thought she might like to go too. Then offer to take her out on a Saturday or whatever to hang out with your son and get lunch or go bowling or what have you and go to the store if she wants.

Thanks! Very well said!

 

[sherabby]

I would not enclose anything in the card.

That said, next time you see the girl how about giving here a special photo album or memory book she can make to include pictures of her mom. Or since most people's pictures now live on their phones or their sim cards a gift certificate to Walgreens or somewhere similar to get photos printed.

If you go with a photo album, let you son pick it out, I would just steer him away from cartoon characters.

When my mother-in-law died the youngest kids were 7 & 9. My husband is more than 20 years older. After a couple of weeks. We took both the kids to Hallmark and had them pick out which ever album they liked--the boy actually did not like any and his came from Target. Then we spent a Sunday going through pictures and each of them picked the photos they wanted. We had copies made and a couple of weeks later we all sat together and assembled the albums. It was actually fun. The kids picked some pictures of my mother-in-law when she was a child, a teenager, and then family pictures through the years and finally pictures of themselves as babies and fun memories they had either with her or with the family. I can tell you that they are both in their early 20's and they still look at those albums, and the youngest has hers at college.

I'm so glad that I asked. Your ideas are all so great and helpful! Thank you for another wonderful idea!

 

[ilovemk76]

I would just send the card with nothing in it as this really is not a gift giving occasion. Perhaps in the near future you can make plans to do something special with the child and spend time with her

I would send just a card from your family to their family but I would send a special card from your son to the girl. I would also include the GC for the girl in the card from your son.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I would send just a card from your family to their family but I would send a special card from your son to the girl. I would also include the GC for the girl in the card from your son.

No. As already stated, enclosing a gift card in a condolence card is extremely inappropriate. Wait and give it to her at a future date.

 

[indimom]

I thought I would share an idea that came to mind while reading all the other posts.

When my grandmother passed away, my mother had a seamstress/friend create teddy bears out of some of her heavier clothing items (a housecoat, a cordoroy jacket and a few other pieces) for all of the great-grandkids. The kids recognized the fabrics used to make their bears and adored them. Although my kids are a teen and tween now, their bears still hold a place of honor on their shelves.

I do agree with the other posters that now is not the best time for a gift. But, I'm sure it would be appreciated in time.

 

[ilovemk76]

No. As already stated, enclosing a gift card in a condolence card is extremely inappropriate. Wait and give it to her at a future date.

A child can give another child a gift.

 

[Leajess99]

I am really amazed at how many find this inappropriate for a child to give something to another child going through a difficult time. Why is it okay to give money to an adult who has lost a loved one but not okay for a child to give to another child??

I guess actually being a child who lost a parent I look at it differently.