Etiquette Help

[disneyhand]

Update Page 2

I have a niece that moved to Hawaii almost a year ago. She will be home for a one week visit in May. She has been really homesick although she loves living there.

Since she is pregnant, we were thinking of having a baby shower for her during that week with all the friends and family.

Here is where the etiquette help is needed. What do we do about gifts?

Under previous baby shower circumstances, people might ask for gift suggestions when they rsvp'd. If they even needed a suggestion. Of course it's been years since I've hosted one.

But the dilemma in her case would be how would she get a bunch of gifts home, especially if they are bulky, heavy or breakable? Airlines limit the luggage now and shipping to Hawaii is pricey.

We (some family members) were talking about buying her gift cards to stores that she has there or ordering gifts to be shipped directly to her home. For gifts from us to her.

We were also wondering if there is any way to bring this up tactfully on the invites. Or do we just hope that the guests will question her logistical situation on their own and ask when they rsvp?

Sorry this is so long, I'm just an over planner and don't want to offend anyone. At the same time I'd like to be efficient and practical. Sigh!

Advice?

 

[Justsyd2]

Proper etiquette states that gift information is never attached to an invitation. People who wish to purchase a gift should always contact the hostess who should provide suggestions for the buyer, which in your case, would be gift cards. If you feel comfortable bringing it up in conversation with your guests beforehand, you might mention what you are doing, if they don't ask, to give them a subtle hint.

BTW - I used to live in Hawaii.

 

[indimom]

These are your family and friends so I would feel comfortable explaining the situation in the invitations and allow them to decide how they want to gift her - maybe call it a "card shower", list the stores available to her and/or add her shipping address (folks who want to ship her gift, could slip a photo of the item in the card??).
My concern would be that some folks would not think about the logistics when buying their gifts and then the "guest of honor" is stuck paying shipping to get all this stuff back home.
Every baby shower I've been to in the last 6-8 years has included the name of the stores the mother was registered at, I don't see this as much different than that.

 

[Zeebs]

As per the previous poster I am agreeing,

People don't normally think of the logistics.

We were married in New Zealand but live in the UK we were I suppose what you consider rude..... as

We had a gift list in the UK but because of the exchange rate a lot of the things were very expensive to my New Zealand friends and family. We also said we wanted to buy a piece of New Zealand art and ended up with donations towards that.

We still did get presents and some really huge and bulky, luckily for us we were planning on shipping some stuff back anyway so they got put in with this, but it did cost us a lot of extra money.

My friends in New Zealand also threw me a shower when we were in New Zealand, again we got presents, but because it was a small shower and we don't do the big present thing in New Zealand for showers, we got some wee outfits etc, so they just got packed in with our bags back to the UK.

I think a card shower is a great idea.

Good luck
Kirsten

 

[mantaz]

I think a card shower would be nice. Perhaps a picture of what they wanted to buy and a card for that amount to go with it. If they are family and close friends, I would hope they would understand!!

 

[redlawyer]

You don't invite people to a shower and tell them what to give as presents. If they are close enough to the mom to be invited to the shower, then they should know that she lives in Hawaii and will have to transport everything home. If someone doesn't realize the practical implications of showing up with a diaper genie at the shower, you need to come up with a plan B, maybe shipping a box to Hawaii.

 

[micheleq]

A gift card shower was done for DH's cousin a few years ago -- she lives in Las Vegas and her entire family is in the greater Boston area. We all understood the logistics of it and were happy to give gift cards.

Your niece may want to be prepared for some people to want to give small gifts or clothing. Perhaps someone could give her a diaper bag that could be used as a carry-on for her trip home? Or someone could buy the baby a suitcase/rolling duffle bag for their trips back to the mainland and presents could be packed in that for the trip home (maybe a few close family members could offer to pay her extra bag fee)?

I think Emily Post will forgive the etiquitte on this one Congrats to your niece!

 

[moongirl]

Perhaps a roundabout but easy solution is to let people bring whatever they want. If you get a diaper genie or stroller or big-item-of-your-imagining, you should be able to return it for store gift cards. WalMart, Toys-R-Us, etc. are probably where you will be returning things and you can figure out where to take them without ever asking the person who purchased the item. Go online and check out several large retailers: Target, WalMart, Toys-R-Us to see who sells the item. Return it for gift cards there and your niece can use the gift cards at a store near her home or to purchase online and sent to her. My experience is that if I am not told where there is a registry, I will ask the party-thrower. Otherwise, people will usually just buy clothes, blankets, etc. if they don't know what else to get. These items can easily go home in an empty, extra folding duffle bag that she brings with her for the trip home.

 

[badblackpug]

If they are family and close friends, send out the invitations and then call them and explain. I am sure people will be more than happy to oblige with gift cards, they are much easier to shop for!

 

[hockeyprincess]

I'm sorry but people are dense these days, and would not consider the shipping and if they would consider it, possibly they would not know how expensive it is to ship to Hawaii? I am in direct sales and our company will NOT ship to Hawaii because of the cost, and honestly, that's the ONLY reason I know how much it is to ship there. I always thought, "Well it's part of the 50 states, why would it be any different?" Then I went to Hawaii and realized why it's different....

Further... every shower, be it bridal, baby, etc.... I've been invited to in the last 10 years has included a Registry. I don't take offense to it AT ALL, I want to purchase a gift I know the recipent actually WANTS. I'm thankful for the list and for a price range, also to see what's still needed.

I don't know how this would be any different than what's mentioned above? I don't think it's tacky or out of line at all anymore....of course baby showers and bridal showers are now HUGE occasions, when back in the 60's maybe didn't even happen? Just saying....times change and we need to adjust to the times....don't feel bad, they will be the ones feeling bad if they realize it cost as much to ship their gift as it did to purchase it.

You could come up with a cute poem or something like that to include in the invitation...something like: Suzi's having a baby, it's plain to see, but getting everything home to Hawaii is going to be hard as can be! Consider a gift card to the following stores, and she will let you know what she purchased for the new little bundle of joy!

Corny, I know, but you get the idea! Good luck!

 

[ssawka]

Does she know about the shower? If so, can she start a gift registry with an online only e-tailer? Maybe like Amazon?

Oh, forgot to add. They should ship the presents directly to her house in HI.

 

[secretpantssam]

I'm sorry but people are dense these days, and would not consider the shipping and if they would consider it, possibly they would not know how expensive it is to ship to Hawaii? I am in direct sales and our company will NOT ship to Hawaii because of the cost, and honestly, that's the ONLY reason I know how much it is to ship there. I always thought, "Well it's part of the 50 states, why would it be any different?" Then I went to Hawaii and realized why it's different....

Further... every shower, be it bridal, baby, etc.... I've been invited to in the last 10 years has included a Registry. I don't take offense to it AT ALL, I want to purchase a gift I know the recipent actually WANTS. I'm thankful for the list and for a price range, also to see what's still needed.

I don't know how this would be any different than what's mentioned above? I don't think it's tacky or out of line at all anymore....of course baby showers and bridal showers are now HUGE occasions, when back in the 60's maybe didn't even happen? Just saying....times change and we need to adjust to the times....don't feel bad, they will be the ones feeling bad if they realize it cost as much to ship their gift as it did to purchase it.

You could come up with a cute poem or something like that to include in the invitation...something like: Suzi's having a baby, it's plain to see, but getting everything home to Hawaii is going to be hard as can be! Consider a gift card to the following stores, and she will let you know what she purchased for the new little bundle of joy!

Corny, I know, but you get the idea! Good luck!

I agree (and I love the poem!). I think it's fine in this instance to ask for gift cards or money. It's not going to be easy to bring these thing back to hawaii and at that point she may be regretting someone throwing her a shower to begin with. I know I would not be offended if I was invited to a shower for someone who lives a great distance and was asked to bring gift cards or have a gift shipped to her home.

 

[busyshrew]

I personally am a real stickler about being "told" what to buy for showers.

(I'm not including registry information in this gripe - at least then you get a choice!) But on several occasions I've actually been told in the invite "we (the hosts) are buying X big present. Please give us cash to contribute".

All that being said - in this case, I would absolutely, completely understand the situation. I think making it a card shower is a great idea. And after all the discussion I've seen on DIS about the best airlines to use to avoid those checked-luggage fees...... obviously you'll get a lot of sympathy on these boards!

 

[PaulaSue]

Maybe just ask the guest to ship the gift directly to her house and just have a picture of the gift in a card for her to open at the party?

 

[Ember]

There is no polite way to instruct someone one what gift to buy. And you invite people to events, not gifts. I decline any invitation with gift instructions or registry information included. There is also no polite way to ask for money or gift cards. A cute poem demanding money is still a demand for money.

You will have to trust your guests to select their own gifts and figure out what to do with them after. Most people will probably either be aware of the situation or ask what the recipient would like. Either that, or forgo a shower all together and do just a tea or something that doesn't include the giving of gifts.

 

[ceecee]

I like the little poem by Hockeyprincess....you could incorporate IF they want to give a gift then a card would be much appreciated due to their living situation. I agree that 90% of invitations now do have registry info enclosed. It gives you an idea of what they really need and what they already have.

 

[HM]

For your gift, I'd plan on paying for shipping all her gifts to Hawaii. Then you don't have to worry about what other people give her and saying anything at all.

 

[ohanaMAMA]

Thats so awesome that you are throwing her a shower. nothing like being pregnant and away from "home" I was raised in Alaska and living in South Carolina when DD9 was born. My "girls" in AK threw me a shower. I wasnt even there! They had a regular shower with gifts and everything and I watched on webcam. The cost to ship them was CRAZY! I could have bought a TON of cool baby stuff with what they spent to ship with.

I would flat out call the party a "card shower". If someone gets mad? Then maybe they are just a little to concerned with ettiquite and not with your friend!

 

[Be1021]

I second the idea of having the item sent directly to her home and wrapping up a picture of the item in a box for her to open at the shower.

 

[Green Tea]

I agree, etiquette aside on this one. Make a cheerful invitation inviting friends and family to gather and celebrate, but transportation of gifts back home is difficult. Suggest wrapping a picture of an item sent directly to their house, gift cards, or other creative ways to share their joy.