etiquette after surgery (maybe TMI)

[Iansmom]

Went to Open House for DS16's school today. My neighbor was not there.

Turns out, Wednesday, she went in for a routine surgery to remove a benign tumor from her ovary. Once under and open, the surgeons found many more tumors on her uterus. Her husband had to make the difficult decision to proceed with a historectomy.

She's home now, and I feel like such a clod. What can I do for her? DH suggested sending flowers, but I want to do more.

What would y'all suggest???

TIA

 

[NewJersey]

Flowers, her favorite dish or dessert so they don't have to cook or order takeout, does she like to read (you can send her a good book), or some dvds?

You can make it into a cute care package. You are a great friend and neighbor for doing this.

 

[LUVMYTINK]

Maybe make a few dinners that can be freezed. I know when my mom had her surgery she couldn't get around easily let alone make dinner.

 

[ducklite]

I would offer to bring dinner for her family for a few days, offer to take the children to school/activities that they might need a ride to, offer to spend an hour helping her with housework (be careful not to make it sound like her house is a mess, just ask if you could help her with some of the heavier things like vacuuming for a few days), ask if she'd like to borrow some DVD's.

I would bring a baked good and a small floral arrangement, and make it clear that if she's not up to visitors you fully understand.

Anne

 

[karynnix]

As someone who has had a hysterectomy, I was thrilled to have food brought in. You don't realize what a difference that makes for recovery when you don't have to worry about cooking! Take the food in a disposable container so that she doesn't have to worry about washing anything and returning it. Books and magazines are great, too. I read so much while sitting in my recliner.

 

[CEDmom]

It's nice of you to want to do something.

I make a dinner and take it over and probably do it a few times over the next few weeks. Something in a disposable freezer safe pan that can be put away for later if they're set for now. I'd also offer to pitch in with carpooling in needed and you're available. If you're going to the store you could call to see if they need anything.

 

[Hannathy]

Since your kids go to the same school I'd ask if they need to do anything for registration or picking up books etc that you could take their child to. With the emergency surgery school things have probably been pushed to the back burner and I would hate for the kid to miss a deadline or something. If they have younger kids offering to take them somewhere for the afternoon.

 

[goofinoff]

ITA about the food thing. Especially things that freeze well and her DH can just throw in the oven.
Also offering to help with grocery shopping, laundry, and kids would be nice too! She may just want a visitor. Bring over a chick flick and make some popcorn!

 

[Cool-Beans]

Since this person is a neighbor - not a close friend who told you about this ahead of time - I'd send flowers and note saying that I sincerely wanted to do anything I could to help. I'm bored around the house and would be so pleased to have the opportunity to help.

I wouldn't drop by - she may not look her best or want people she doesn't know well just showing up.

So, that's my $.02.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I had a hysterectomy (vertical - recoup time was long) in January.

Helping me take care of my family was what I needed the most. I have an au pair, who was invaluable, but even she had days off. Offering to get the kids to their activities, bringing food, gift certificates for pizza delivery, etc.

For me - I really needed nothing but peace and quiet. And knowing my family was being taken care of my our friends and family made my recoup time that much more pleasurable.

I really wasn't up to many visitors - only my closest friends - some people may be different. I'm a really outgoing and friendly person and have many, many acquaintances in our area who stopped by. And, while I appreciated the thoughtfulness, I just was cranky and annoyed and wanted to be left alone.

So, in a nutshell - food, helping with the kids, gift certificates for food that can be delivered and for a Merry Maid or a drop off laundry service - (I didn't need these because I have someone already - but she may need these services as hysterectomy patients should absolutely not be lifting anything more than 5 - 10lbs and most definitely should not be vacuuming or doing any housework - particularly if they had a full vertical cut). Don't be insulted if she doesn't want to visit.

And, just so you know, I think it's great you're offering - it really makes a world of difference to someone who has to go through any kind of surgery.

 

[PaulaSue]

Make her a meal or 2 that are really easy to reheat.

 

[bumbershoot]

If you are close to her, or if she suddenly decides you're close and wants to talk, talk with her. This is a pretty big thing. I don't know how old she is, if this has now cut short kids for her, or if she was long done with kids, but really, either way, it can be a very big deal.

I feel bad that I never let my mom talk about it, even though she begged for that surgery after more than a year of heavy bleeding. Later, when she heard about chiropractic being of help for that sort of problem, she talked about her regrets that she didn't give alternatives a try, but I never even knew she had regrets at the time, because I didn't talk to her about it.

Also, that sort of surgery HURTS. Some people heal easily, but others have pain and difficulty for a long time. HELP her. If you truly want to help, let her know what you're available for. In a fairly short amount of time, the offers of help and the pre-made dinners will stop. Step in when that happens, because she may very well still be having pain and problems.

If they took everything out, she's now in menopause (if she wasn't before). That's really rough. It can age a person fast. If she wants to talk about that, talk with her.

I know it's easy to say "wow at least they got out the tumors", but you know, that's what everyone else is going to say. Allow her to express other things, if she wants to, and you can facilitate that by not going to the easy "at least they got the tumors" statement. I'm not saying that's what you were going to say, but it's fairly common, and it's those uncommon people that can really help with big-deal things like this.

 

[Snow_White]

I would go with a casserole or two. Flowers are nice, but not nearly as helpful

 

[powellrj]

I had 2 knee surgeries this year and with the first one people offered to bring food and I said we would be fine and we were.

The second one I had a friend who asked who was bringing food and I said nobody and she said she was getting a group together to bring meals for a week. It was a godsend. I had no idea what a difference it made! I would be taking a nap and wake-up to the most delicious meals!

I have always taken meals to people, but had no idea how wonderful they are to receive!

While flowers were nice, I always had to find a place for them and it was hard to remember to care for them.

 

[snappy]

I am with everyone else, food/meals for the family.

When I had surgery, the kind souls in DH's office made a calendar. They signed up to take turns for 2 weeks making food for us. They used disposable containers and made HUGE quantities so there was plenty for a meal and to freeze one or more meals. It was great. You need the nutrition to heal in those first days.

DH's boss is single, instead of making food, he gave us a very generous gift certificate at a sandwich place. It came in very handy for a change of pace sort of meal.

I also really liked the cards I received. I still have them on my island and look at them for a pick me up.

My dear sister had my youngest DD(8 at the time of my first surgery) over to her house to spend the nights for the days I was at the hospital to help DH who was mostly at the hospital. Then, before I got home my sister and DD8 worked on handmade cards and signs to welcome me home. It helped DD and touched me like nothing else.

 

[helenabear]

I totally agree with bringing food. I made up two meals (which should equal 4 for the two fo them) for a friend of mine when I knew she was delivering soon. I just cooked them up, put them in a disposible pan to make sure neither would have to do dishes, and froze them right after. I wrote the directions for both and they can either bake them or even microwave (one is a casserole and the other is shepherd's pie). It turns out she just had a C-section Friday morning so I am even more glad I did this for her due to the recovery time. Her DH is a fabulous cook, but when he goes back to work, I want their lives easy for them both.

I also agree with volunteering to run errands for her if you can. She most likely will not be able to drive for a while. I think little things like that would make the world of difference to your neighor.

 

[MsDisney23]

You are a good friend and neighbor, I think many of the other posters have some wonderful suggestions!

 

[Iansmom]

Thanks all!

Sounds like I'll be cooking something... but what???

Her kids are 14 and 17. The 17 yo is driving and is in the same class as my DS16. Her husband is on the school board for our school, so he's very capable of doing the school stuff.

I'm going to call her. (our kids' teacher just asked both of us to be co-room moms) Hopefully she'll want to talk... I'm a great listener. And we're in book club together, but she tends to have more time to read than I do, so all the books I have, she's already read.

I work full time, out of the home, so what ever I cook needs to be easy and quick, hopefully healthy... any ideas???

For those that have had meals delivered to them in times like this, what have been your favorites?

 

[suzimar57]

had a hysterectomy myself 9 years ago

she'd appreciate dinners in disposable pans, cookies, magazines, offering to vacuum, picking up groceries - ask her what she would like done

if you visit, DON'T STAY LONG.

let me repeat: DON'T STAY LONG.

an hour is enough - make an excuse and leave.

nothing worse than "well meaning" friends and family who come to visit and insist on staying 8+ hours - all you want to do is be left alone to rest.

if you're a really good friend, you'll bring pain meds.

(just kidding...

 

[llij]

I had a hysterectomy last summer and the meals from my friends were a godsend. I got lots of casserole type dishes and pasta dishes which were easy to make and yummy. Whenever I make meals for friends, I usually pick up a rotisserie chicken from Costco, a bag of salad, rolls and make some rice. Other good meals were poppy seed chicken (easy to make), enchiladas or flank steak and salad.

That is very sweet of you to help out your friend.