Estranged family and WWYD? Another one of those questions...

[mickeywho?]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

 

[justhat]

I think I'd go if you care enough that you think you'll way to repair the relationship. If you're done forever, then I guess it doesn't matter.

In related news, I totally thought you were talking about my future SIL. We knew their shower was next Saturday, but just got the invite Wednesday as well. And wedding is a Friday night in early November. Super inconvenient.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

For my sister, I would rearrange my schedule and attend both the shower and wedding.

 

[Hannathy]

Personally I would go. Your sister invited you, so she is trying to keep a limited relationship with you. What you gave them 5 yrs ago as a gift has nothing to do with a wedding gift.

If you want to cut all contact and any relationship of any kind then don't go. If you want to maintain a limited tie to your sister then you should go. And when are weddings ever held at a convenient time, there is always shuffling to accommodate them.


Your sister has done her part and invited you, it is up to you now whether you want to stay her sister and go or have nothing to do with anyone in your family from now on. Because if I was your sister and you didn't come to the wedding, that is how I would read it and I would never try again.

 

[msjprincess]

For my sister, I would rearrange my schedule and attend both the shower and wedding.

Same here, unless of course you are sure that the relationship is over

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

sounds to me like she sent the invatations as a matter of form. maybe she is hoping that you cannot attend (and thus cause some uneasy feelings and/or interactions if you did?)

I think you already know what you should respond.

on that day go out and have a nice dinner and a glass of whine. toast to the absent bride.

 

[bethy]

I am facing a similar dilemma with my brother.

If it were me I think I would go if it weren't a burden financially. I would probably just to the the wedding and stay for a brief time at the reception and just make light and guarded small talk. And then I'd go off to the MK to have some fun.

Even if my husband and kids couldn't go or didn't want to go I'd go by myself and just stay one or two nights.

It's a wedding and it's family and we're talking maybe 2 hours of your time. Weddings are a pretty big deal in our culture and it's immediate family. So if there were ever any time I would assume I'm be seeing my family it would be at the wedding of an immediate family member ( or a funeral.)

Again, this is if you can fairly easily afford the trip.

Edited to add: I would politely send my regrets for the shower, however.

 

[Daysleeper40]

If you want any kind of relationship with your sister then you shold go - or at least go see her and personally explain why you won't be attending.

If you don't care about having a relationship with any of your family then don't go. If you don't go I think the gift is immaterial.

It is really difficult to answer these types of questions without knowing the history / family dynamics though.

I suppose I could say how would you feel if you don't repair the relationships and end up in my family situation? Dad died last year of liver cancer, sister now has stage 4 breast cancer, sister in law has a tmour on her pituitary gland, and I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer too. I am happy that we are a family that want to support each other.

 

[npmommie]

what could have happened that is "beyond repair" with your parents? can you tell us about the falling out?
do they all maintain a relationship with each other?

personally I would go to the wedding and shower. but I would certainly make sure to go to the wedding.
life is way too short to have drama like this.

 

[mickeywho?]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

 

[Pakey]

I was estranged from my siblings for over 10 years. My youngest son was already an adult when this happened; I might have handled it differently had the boys been younger. I would never do anything to jeopardize their relationships with my family.

I was not invited to any family functions. If I had been, I would have assumed they we're doing it because they wanted to, not because they had to. I would have attended.

 

[Daysleeper40]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

Which is why I think you should at least personally explain why you won't be attending - I tend to agree that going could cause more harm than good but just sending an RSVP declining could be seen as a snub.

 

[JessicaR]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

Your sister made an effort. She called you to tell you. During that call she expressed her desire to have you there. Then she sent you an invite to the shower. Then she sent you an invite to the wedding. Ball is in your court. I personally feel if you make no effort and don't attend, this relationship is over like the rest of them. If you care do something about it. If you don't care don't go and be done with your family.

If it were me, I would go.

 

[Eliza32]

Can you not at least give her a call about the wedding. If she really does want you there, then it would be too bad if you assumed the invite was only sent as a formality.

I presume that the rest of your family will also be there (including children??) so my guess is that she has really thought this through, and definitely wants you to be there. Otherwise she would have simply not sent you an invite - that would have been the easiest option for her.

Maybe at 40, she's finally showing som maturity regarding the falling out??

Of course, if you really don't want to go, just say no.

 

[sparklynails23]

You should go, be distantly polite, and not make a scene or participate in an argument at any cost. My sisters would have to physically harm my kids for me to disown them. I can't imagine what might have happened, but some families like drama more than others.

 

[Hrhpd]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

Not knowing the whole family dynamics it is hard for a stranger to give input. However, I think that by calling you and personally telling you that she would like you to come, that could be seen as more than just a formal, have to invite because family, type of invitation.

I would go. Life is too short and too many times we regret pushing our family away when illness or death strikes too soon. You never know what is going to happen in the near future. As a sister, I would put aside the family drama for one day and support my sister.

 

[lizabu]

I think the invitations that she sent were an olive branch. I also think they may have been sent at the last minute because she didn't expect you to accept. I would be the bigger person and go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

The thing that disturbs me in your post is that you allow your children to go with people that treat you with disrespect.. That is not healthy for your kids and puts them in the middle not too mention the fact what they may be saying to your children. I certainly nip that one ASAP.

As far as the wedding send regrets for all and leave it at that. I would not send anything except maybe a card expressing a heartfelt sentiment.

A wedding is not the time to mend a relationship. In fact I find it to be the worst time to mend family ties. Emotions run high at weddings.

If your sister gets cross with you at some point tell her that...

1) You have no intention of mending the relationship between you.
OR
2) If you would like to mend our relationship it will have to be done privately and not in front of an audience of a shower/wedding gathering.

And there is my 2 cents.

 

[SaraJayne]

Your sister made an effort. She called you to tell you. During that call she expressed her desire to have you there. Then she sent you an invite to the shower. Then she sent you an invite to the wedding. Ball is in your court. I personally feel if you make no effort and don't attend, this relationship is over like the rest of them. If you care do something about it. If you don't care don't go and be done with your family.

If it were me, I would go.

What Jessica said. Your sister made an effort, reached out to you and extended an olive branch, so to speak. The ball is now in your court.

 

[luvmy3]

I think you need to decide if a relationship with your sister is important to you. She has expressed a want for you to be there, if it was just a formality thing, she probably wouldn't have said she wants you to come. It sounds like her way of reaching out to you, and maybe making amends.
I can understand you not wanting to go, and if you do decide to decline I think it would be nice to call your sister and tell her why you feel it may not be such a good idea, instead of just sending back the response card. Who knows maybe that will open the door for coffee