Engagement Party Dilemma

[Minnesota!]

I agree! Did you tell everyone how to dress and grill them? It wasn't very nice what he said but what you did wasn't very nice either. I would actually rather have someone be the way he was than someone who looks down on people like you and your DD are. That was very rude on your part.

I agree. His answer was rude, but it was in defense of his friend. He was probably insulted (and rightly so) by your dress code edict.

All DD's wedding event invitations to singles always included the words 'and guest'. I would not put a single person in a position of having to come solo. If they chose to come as a single, it was fine and their choice. I've always been taught that it was bad manners to invite someone to a social event where there were couples without allowing the single person the same option.

You were wrong and I will give him the benefit of the doubt on his reaction. I certainly would not attend your party. You made it pretty clear they aren't welcome.

I agree. Just because she's one way on Facebook doesn't mean she's doesn't know how to dress appropriately for a semi-formal occasion. I'm afraid with that one comment the bride has shown how nasty she can be to people she doesn't even know.

Furthermore, we're talking about poisoning a family relationship over an engagement party for a wedding that's 1 and 1/2 years away and may never happen. Especially since it's now common knowledge that the bride can be a bit of a prissy, controlling, judgmental witch.

But the bride can now rest easy that there won't be any trashy people from that branch of the family attending her engagement party OR her wedding ceremony. She can probably forget about any gifts from them ever again, too. But at least they won't be showing up dressed inappropriately and embarassing her so it's all worth it, right?

OP - I would advise you and your daughter to quit making waves with the future inlaws. I have been there and it can be hell on a marriage...

 

[C.Ann]

So DD got engaged about two months ago, and we are planning an engagement party for them since they won't be married for a year and a 1/2.

So, future son-in-law's cousin wants to come. All fine and dandy! He is welcome! We he asked to bring this girl....not his girlfriend....she doesn't even live in the same state as him....and they have met all of 5? times....
To top it off she works at Hooters, and on her Facebook page DD said that all the pictures of her are half naked pictures of herself or her wearing lingerie...

My side of the family is very conservative, and don't want to see anything "hanging out" if you know what I mean.

DD and FSIN told him very sweetly that she could come as long as she dressed appropriate for the party and with nothing hanging out. (DD is conservative,too). She also told him that everyone is expected to dress that way, not just her.

His respond "Wow...just wow.. you are really that much of a goody goody b***h"

We were nice enough to say she could come and to pay for an extra person (we are catering food,etc). Were we out of line by saying that or was he?

Your party, your money, your rules.. And after that comment I bolded - is this person going to be invited to the wedding??



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He did not receive an invitation to bring a guest. If someone asks to bring someone I did not invite (even indirectly as guest) I would certainly want to know a little more about this person.

Your life, your values. I've been to events where someone came looking like a $5 hooker (which has nothing to do with working at Hooters). It can take on a life of it's own with everyone talking about "her". You have every right to refuse to host someone who offends you.

Even if he considered it rude - it still did not give him the right to call out names. If he had any class (which he obviously doesn't) he would have taken the high road and said "thanks for the invitation, but I won't be attending".

 

[goofy!]

I hope your daughter enjoys being the one "talked about".

I think that ship has sailed. Sounds like the FSIL's family has already been discussing their future in-law plenty.

From the cousin's answer, it sounds like he was just confirming the general consensus of FSIL's family. He sounds like he was just a bit surprised that what he had heard about his cousin's fiance was actually true, at least according to his family.

His respond "Wow...just wow.. you are really that much of a goody goody b***h"

While the cousin was out of line to say what he did, it pales in comparison to the rudeness shown by the OP and her daughter.

 

[C.Ann]

I think that ship has sailed. Sounds like the FSIL's family has already been discussing their future in-law plenty.

From the cousin's answer, it sounds like he was just confirming the general consensus of FSIL's family. He sounds like he was just a bit surprised that what he had heard about his cousin's fiance was actually true.

Nice..

 

[goofy!]

Nice..

I didn't say it was nice or even right. Just commenting that it seems the FSIL's family has already been discussing the OP's daughter and has come to a not so nice conclusion.

When somebody says "Wow, you really are....", that usually means they have heard that about the person before.

Now, the FSIL's family may be making the same kind of judgements, not based on any concrete facts, that the OP and her daughter did about the cousin's date's possible choice of dress.

However, it should serve as a heads up to the OP's daughter that her future new family may not hold her in the highest regard and she may want to reexamine the way she comes across to them.

 

[C.Ann]

I didn't say it was nice or even right. Just commenting that it seems the FSIL's family has already been discussing the OP's daughter and has come to a not so nice conclusion.

When somebody says "Wow, you really are....", that usually means they have heard that about the person before.

Now, the FSIL's family may be making the same kind of judgements, not based on any concrete facts, that the OP and her daughter did about the cousin's date's possible choice of dress.

However, it should serve as a heads up to the OP's daughter that her future new family may not hold her in the highest regard and she may want to reexamine the way she comes across to them.

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I'm very sorry if I misunderstood your comment..

But as to the last part of your most current post - I don't think the OP's DD needs to re-examine anything.. She is from a very conservative family and is very conservative herself.. There is nothing wrong with that (actually kind of refreshing in this day and age of "anything goes") and I can't fathom any reason at all that she should become "less" conservative just to please her IL's..

Just my opinion though..

 

[Nancyg56]

Your party, your money, your rules.. And after that comment I bolded - is this person going to be invited to the wedding??



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Kind of like my ball .....my rules? There is something offputting about someone checking out a guest on FB, deciding that person will dress like a slut ans then suggesting that fact to the relative who was escorting her.

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But as to the last part of your most current post - I don't think the OP's DD needs to re-examine anything.. She is from a very conservative family and is very conservative herself.. There is nothing wrong with that (actually kind of refreshing in this day and age of "anything goes") and I can't fathom any reason at all that she should become "less" conservative just to please her IL's..

Just my opinion though..

When did Conservative become synonomous with Rude? THe girl had every right in the world to manage he guest list but once she decided to let the "outsider: in she needed to be a gracious woman, at least until she had a reason to commnet upon the guests dress. IMO there is nothing refreshing about a judgemental person.

 

[Hannathy]

I didn't say it was nice or even right. Just commenting that it seems the FSIL's family has already been discussing the OP's daughter and has come to a not so nice conclusion.

When somebody says "Wow, you really are....", that usually means they have heard that about the person before.

Now, the FSIL's family may be making the same kind of judgements, not based on any concrete facts, that the OP and her daughter did about the cousin's date's possible choice of dress.

However, it should serve as a heads up to the OP's daughter that her future new family may not hold her in the highest regard and she may want to reexamine the way she comes across to them.

And remember this was a cousin! so that means it has probably been filtered down to the cousin from the future MIL to her sister/ Brother to their spouse to their children then to the cousin.

Oh that family has been doing a lot of talking about that bride! and from the sounds of it not how wonderful of an addition to the family she will be.

Always remember first impressions last the longest.

 

[C.Ann]

When did Conservative become synonomous with Rude? THe girl had every right in the world to manage he guest list but once she decided to let the "outsider: in she needed to be a gracious woman, at least until she had a reason to commnet upon the guests dress. IMO there is nothing refreshing about a judgemental person.

Or - if the OP's DD is as conservative as it sounds, it could have been total shock - as opposed to being "judgemental".. We don't really know - because we've never met her, have we?

As for "letting the outsider in" - she never invited this woman.. The cousin was the rude one making the request..

 

[castleview]

Kind of like my ball .....my rules? There is something offputting about someone checking out a guest on FB, deciding that person will dress like a slut ans then suggesting that fact to the relative who was escorting her.



When did Conservative become synonomous with Rude? THe girl had every right in the world to manage he guest list but once she decided to let the "outsider: in she needed to be a gracious woman, at least until she had a reason to commnet upon the guests dress. IMO there is nothing refreshing about a judgemental person.

That's what I was thinking. OP, you can't control other people and it's a shame you didn't teach your daughter that.

 

[goofy!]

Your party, your money, your rules.. And after that comment I bolded - is this person going to be invited to the wedding??



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Interesting.

I always thought an engagement party was a celebration for BOTH the bride and groom and their families.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Or - if the OP's DD is as conservative as it sounds, it could have been total shock - as opposed to being "judgemental".. We don't really know - because we've never met her, have we?

As for "letting the outsider in" - she never invited this woman.. The cousin was the rude one making the request..

How could it have been total shock Just like we have never met the OP, the OP (and her daughter) have never met the person they were so insulting to. The hostess was not seeing/meeting the guest in question at that time. She was simply talking to the cousin about what she assumed his date would wear. An assumption apparently based entirely on the girl's facebook page and where she works. I live in Germany and there are photos of me in a drindl on facebook--would you assume that i would show up to your party dressed as such because of that?

I mean, I still think it would be rude to say something to someone who actually shows up inappropriately dressed, but it would be more understandable than to go out of your way to tell someone ahead of time that you think they (or their date in this case) might not dress how you want-(and to imply that they are likely to dress slutty).

Oh, and I really do wish the OP would explain why on earth her daughter was looking at this girl's facebook page to begin with. I know it was asked before and I am truly very curious.

 

[castleview]

OP would hate it in my area where Hooters is considered a family restaurant by many…and I live in New England.

 

[goofy!]

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I'm very sorry if I misunderstood your comment..

But as to the last part of your most current post - I don't think the OP's DD needs to re-examine anything.. She is from a very conservative family and is very conservative herself.. There is nothing wrong with that (actually kind of refreshing in this day and age of "anything goes") and I can't fathom any reason at all that she should become "less" conservative just to please her IL's..

Just my opinion though..

And in the same vein, why should the groom's family become more conservative just to please the IL's?

Perhaps the ones that would be shocked over a bit of cleavage should be the ones to stay home.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP would hate it in my area where Hooters is considered a family restaurant by many…and I live in New England.

Or mine--no Hooters but very little taboo on this stuff. WE were taking photos today of "funny" things to share with family when we go back for the holidays--one was of one of the MANY posters currently around town which advertise ladies' night at a night club--the lady in the photo is topless. I think my kids walk past 15 or so of these just to get to school and back every day--so I really cannot imagine putting up a fuss about Hooters

 

[C.Ann]

And in the same vein, why should the groom's family become more conservative just to please the IL's?.

Well - technically neither of the "families" have to change.. Life moving forward will be about the bride and groom - and the type of life they choose to live.. If the groom is fine with his fiances conservative ways (which I'm assuming he is - since he proposed) - that's all that really matters.. Odds are his wife (God willing) will be alive long after his parents aren't..

Then again - the wedding is a loooong way off - and who knows if it will actually occur?

Reminds me of a couple I know.. Can't give too many details - for privacy reasons (and no - it's not me - LOL..)

Wife was raised in an extemely conservative and modest household.. Husband, more along what most would consider the "norm".. On their wedding night, brand new husband went to get in bed - wearing only boxer shorts - new bride burst into tears.. Hysterical - totally shocked.. Insisted that he get dressed, go out and find someplace to buy a pair of pajamas.. He did.. They have been married over 40 years - and he still wears pajamas to bed every night - and she's still as conservative and modest as ever.. Why does he do it? Because he loves his wife and he chooses to put what he perceives as her "needs" before his "wants".. He simply doesn't see it as any big deal.. He loves her, she loves him, and that's all that counts.. Their marriage has never been about the "rest of the family" (on either side).. (Both sets of parents - the ultra conservative - and the "norm" - are deceased now..)

When they married, they became each others "family".. They never allowed the "rest" of the family (on either side) to have that much power or influence over their family life..

So - I think time will tell on this one - and if there is any "changing" or modifying to be done, it should be at the request of the bride or groom towards each other - no one else..

And as always - just my opinion..

 

[njcarita]

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I'm very sorry if I misunderstood your comment..

But as to the last part of your most current post - I don't think the OP's DD needs to re-examine anything.. She is from a very conservative family and is very conservative herself.. There is nothing wrong with that (actually kind of refreshing in this day and age of "anything goes") and I can't fathom any reason at all that she should become "less" conservative just to please her IL's..

Just my opinion though..

but what does your conservative ways ( which I am also) have to do with what someone else decides to wear??? to me its just casting stones.... and judging someone elses morality all u have to do is worry about your own morality and instead of casting stones pray for the other person if u "think" she is sinning??... she wasn't showing up naked was she,,, so who cares if her skirt maybe shorter than u liked or her shirt showed a little more cleavage than u fond comfortable... u weren't wearing it she was... maybe we should all be wearing veils and long dresses so we don't offend anyone...

 

[goofy!]

Well - technically neither of the "families" have to change.. Life moving forward will be about the bride and groom - and the type of life they choose to live.. If the groom is fine with his fiances conservative ways (which I'm assuming he is - since he proposed) - that's all that really matters.. Odds are his wife (God willing) will be alive long after his parents aren't..

Then again - the wedding is a loooong way off - and who knows if it will actually occur?

Reminds me of a couple I know.. Can't give too many details - for privacy reasons (and no - it's not me - LOL..)

Wife was raised in an extemely conservative and modest household.. Husband, more along what most would consider the "norm".. On their wedding night, brand new husband went to get in bed - wearing only boxer shorts - new bride burst into tears.. Hysterical - totally shocked.. Insisted that he get dressed, go out and find someplace to buy a pair of pajamas.. He did.. They have been married over 40 years - and he still wears pajamas to bed every night - and she's still as conservative and modest as ever.. Why does he do it? Because he loves his wife and he chooses to put what he perceives as her "needs" before his "wants".. He simply doesn't see it as any big deal.. He loves her, she loves him, and that's all that counts.. Their marriage has never been about the "rest of the family" (on either side).. (Both sets of parents - the ultra conservative - and the "norm" - are deceased now..)

When they married, they became each others "family".. They never allowed the "rest" of the family (on either side) to have that much power or influence over their family life..

So - I think time will tell on this one - and if there is any "changing" or modifying to be done, it should be at the request of the bride or groom towards each other - no one else..

And as always - just my opinion..

Very sweet story. I too have known many couples that have happily made compromises for each other.

However, that does not apply to this situation.

By the sheer fact that the OP is involved in the guest list and that a dress code was dictated by the bride due to the conservative beliefs of some of her family members, she has made it all about the "rest of the family."

 

[C.Ann]

but what does your conservative ways ( which I am also) have to do with what someone else decides to wear??? to me its just casting stones.... and judging someone elses morality all u have to do is worry about your own morality and instead of casting stones pray for the other person if u "think" she is sinning??... she wasn't showing up naked was she,,, so who cares if her skirt maybe shorter than u liked or her shirt showed a little more cleavage than u fond comfortable... u weren't wearing it she was... maybe we should all be wearing veils and long dresses so we don't offend anyone...

LOL.. When did this become about "me"? I was talking about the OP and her DD.. I've never said if I was conservative, liberal, or middle-of-the-road..

I was simply giving my view point on how the OP and her DD's conservative preferences come into play..

I think you need to quote the OP - not me..LOL..

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

LOL.. When did this become about "me"? I was talking about the OP and her DD.. I've never said if I was conservative, liberal, or middle-of-the-road..

I was simply giving my view point on how the OP and her DD's conservative preferences come into play..

I think you need to quote the OP - not me..LOL..

I think someone needs to buy an etiquette book.