Engagement Party Dilemma

[castleview]

Anyone wondering if the bride simply doesn't like attention being focused on anyone but her?

 

[C.Ann]

Well perhaps people's perceptions of her wouldn't be so bad if she did not post public pictures of herself half-undressed. People who are not smart enough to know that what one posts on Facebook is PUBLIC and therefore one might want to not post things that would show one in a bad light, aren't smart enough to know how to dress appropriately.You can like it or not, but the reality of life is that people are judging people all the time, based on looks, skin color, weight, disability, hair coverings and a myriad of other visible things.

Also, I'm guessing that all of you would have no problem inviting a stranger into your home (because essentially what this girl is to the OP is a stranger) no matter what he or she looked like, right? Next homeless person you see, invite them for dinner. Don't worry about the smell of bugs they may be bringing in...after all, you don't judge people based on their looks.

OP, I'd probably disnivite the cousin and just move on with the party without him and his date.

Why? Both people are strangers. The OP & her family don't know this girl, just like the rest of us wouldn't know the homeless person. The cousin doesn't sound like he's any prize, so what's to say his choice of companions is any better?

Sorry, a stranger's a stranger.

I think that's a great idea and would prove the OP's original point that the girl as no idea how to dress appropriately.

I don't need one. I have led seminars on business etiquette for new grads so I am well versed in what is proper.

Right..

I would be happy to send you and the op copies of what I use for social and business etiquette.

No need.. You know what they say about "book smart and common sense...."

Education is a big passion for me and I love helping those who need assistance .

Again - right.................................LOL

 

[Hannathy]

Anyone wondering if the bride simply doesn't like attention being focused on anyone but her?

Oh I wanted to say that from the first post! Actual had a name in mind for the bride that is used on a TV show about brides but didn't want an infraction.

This wedding planning is going to be a blast for everyone involved.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well perhaps people's perceptions of her wouldn't be so bad if she did not post public pictures of herself half-undressed. People who are not smart enough to know that what one posts on Facebook is PUBLIC and therefore one might want to not post things that would show one in a bad light, aren't smart enough to know how to dress appropriately.You can like it or not, but the reality of life is that people are judging people all the time, based on looks, skin color, weight, disability, hair coverings and a myriad of other visible things.

Also, I'm guessing that all of you would have no problem inviting a stranger into your home (because essentially what this girl is to the OP is a stranger) no matter what he or she looked like, right? Next homeless person you see, invite them for dinner. Don't worry about the smell of bugs they may be bringing in...after all, you don't judge people based on their looks.

OP, I'd probably disnivite the cousin and just move on with the party without him and his date.

I very frequently invite people into my home who are friends of friends or family-even though they are strangers to me before they get here. I figure if they are important to those I care about I can trust them to be in my home--and it is because they are important to those I care about that I want them here. There would be no trust by extension and no reason (for the sake of those I do know and love) to invite a random stranger to my home.

That said--when my sister in law brought home a homeless teen with blue hair and, yes somewhat smelly clothes, on Christmas Eve my mother in law (and all the rest of us) treated him with kindness and dignity. He was with her, and he is a human being and being homeless did not make him any less of one (nor did having blue hair--no one stood in the doorway and told him he would be welcome if he put on clean clothes and dyed his hair to a natural color). Oh, and my mother and father in law are also very conservative--it just doesn't translate into rude in their case (I don't think it does for most people).

 

[RitaE]

Anyone wondering if the bride simply doesn't like attention being focused on anyone but her?

I seriously don't know what to wonder over this thread.
I honestly can't comprehend stalking some poor girl on her Facebook page to determine whether or not she's an appropriate guest for my party in the first place.

And it is ALL downhill from there. Comparing her to a Homeless person with bugs??????

I do kind of wonder what kind of future relationship this is going to build with the bride to be and her in-laws in the future .... starting out with a smack dab bang of insults. I think that if I had a daughter, I'd want to help her try to build those in-law relationships, not tear them to shreds from the start.

 

[C.Ann]

I hope she goes to the wedding in something like this:

.

Ironically, I don't think the dress in the middle is all that bad..LOL..

Of course she's not standing up, so I can't see if it just barely covers her butt or not..

 

[Acklander]

Why? Both people are strangers. The OP & her family don't know this girl, just like the rest of us wouldn't know the homeless person. The cousin doesn't sound like he's any prize, so what's to say his choice of companions is any better?

Sorry, a stranger's a stranger.

She is the companion of a future in law.

The first time I met DH's large family (aunts/uncles/cousins etc...) was at a Christmas Eve party. I had never met these people before yet they welcomed me into their home for the party. All the relatives came over and introduced themselves to me with a big smile, a hug and a kiss on the cheek (DH comes from a family of huggers). They took, what could have been a stressful situation, and made me feel welcomed and at home. To them, I was just as much a stranger as a homeless person, but because of their love for my DH, they welcomed me - his guest - with open arms. DH and I come from different backgrounds - I'm from a working class family, DH is from an old Boston Blue Blood family - that didn't matter. What mattered was I was DH's guest, and that was good enough for them.

 

[Mermaid02]

I very frequently invite people into my home who are friends of friends or family-even though they are strangers to me before they get here. I figure if they are important to those I care about I can trust them to be in my home--and it is because they are important to those I care about that I want them here. There would be no trust by extension and no reason (for the sake of those I do know and love) to invite a random stranger to my home.

That said--when my sister in law brought home a homeless teen with blue hair and, yes somewhat smelly clothes, on Christmas Eve my mother in law (and all the rest of us) treated him with kindness and dignity. He was with her, and he is a human being and being homeless did not make him any less of one (nor did having blue hair--no one stood in the doorway and told him he would be welcome if he put on clean clothes and dyed his hair to a natural color). Oh, and my mother and father in law are also very conservative--it just doesn't translate into rude in their case (I don't think it does for most people).

I bet he never forgot the kindness that was shown to him that Christmas Eve!

 

[mjkacmom]

What do you think of a restaurant that has a dress code? A dress code is a dress code. Do you not follow it?

I think the person paying can ask to have business casual without it being a huge deal. Her party, her rules.

If the cousin was apologized to and didn't apologize back for his lack of manners, that says a whole lot. Univite him and go about your day. Who needs this bs stress?

I've been to a few restaurants that have dress codes for men (jackets required), and they usually have a few loaners. I've never been to a function that required business casual, but I guess if it was required, it would be mentioned on the invitation. I've been to $300+ a plate weddings, without dress codes.

In this case, it's not the restaurant, it's the couple. They have singled out just one individual, and told her to cover up, no jeans, after stalking her on facebook. There is absolutely no way this can be considered proper. Maybe what the cousin said was not right, but it would be the first thing that popped into my mind.

 

[powellrj]

This thread reminds me why I HATE to attend parties so much. It makes me wonder if I am being facebook stalked and judged too! I would love to hear what they would have said about my last facebook picture of myself until I put a mickey mouse picture up. I was in a bathing suit!?!?!?!?

 

[C.Ann]

I've been to a few restaurants that have dress codes for men (jackets required), and they usually have a few loaners. I've never been to a function that required business casual, but I guess if it was required, it would be mentioned on the invitation. I've been to $300+ a plate weddings, without dress codes..

Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

 

[Mermaid02]

Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

Where was it and how much higher?

 

[mickeysgal]

Also, I'm guessing that all of you would have no problem inviting a stranger into your home (because essentially what this girl is to the OP is a stranger) no matter what he or she looked like, right? Next homeless person you see, invite them for dinner. Don't worry about the smell of bugs they may be bringing in...after all, you don't judge people based on their looks.

Yes, that is correct. I would have absolutely no problem if a guest of mine brought a date/guest (i.e. technically a stranger to us) with them into my home. No matter what they looked like. If they're a guest of a relative or friend of mine, then they're a welcome guest in my house. And will be treated like a guest should - not subject to an investigation, picture photo review, and speculation first.

 

[Owlpost23]

A big part of etiquette in a social situation is making people feel comfortable and welcome.The OP's daughter failed at that,big time.Can you say "Bridezilla"???

 

[mjkacmom]

Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

Did they tell all of their guests, or just one? I don't doubt you, but I've been living less than 10 miles from NYC my entire life, have very wealthy family members who live there, and have never heard of a hotel with a lobby dress code (so I'm guessing it's very rare). I also doubt this is the case with the OP.

 

[Magic Mom]

Well perhaps people's perceptions of her wouldn't be so bad if she did not post public pictures of herself half-undressed. People who are not smart enough to know that what one posts on Facebook is PUBLIC and therefore one might want to not post things that would show one in a bad light, aren't smart enough to know how to dress appropriately.You can like it or not, but the reality of life is that people are judging people all the time, based on looks, skin color, weight, disability, hair coverings and a myriad of other visible things.

Also, I'm guessing that all of you would have no problem inviting a stranger into your home (because essentially what this girl is to the OP is a stranger) no matter what he or she looked like, right? Next homeless person you see, invite them for dinner. Don't worry about the smell of bugs they may be bringing in...after all, you don't judge people based on their looks.

OP, I'd probably disnivite the cousin and just move on with the party without him and his date.

If a homeless stranger showed up alone, uninvited to my door, than no I probably wouldn't invite them in. Not because of their clothes, but because they are unknown to me. However if someone I cared enough about to invite to my party showed up with a homeless person, then yes of course they would be invited in. To do otherwise would be cruel.

And I'm not really sure of the connection between a bug infested unknown homeless person and the date of an invited family menber. I wouldn't invite someone with a bloody machete strapped across his chest into my house, so does that make it right to suggest to a family member that their date isn't fashoinable enought to come to my party?

 

[RitaE]

Originally Posted by C.Ann View Post
Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

Well, I've been to functions at some of the ritziest hotels and private clubs in the Chicago area. I can't say I've ever had anybody do a background check my life and then contact me with a

"We notice you are attending an event at our place on _____ and we just want to point out that your work attire and that outfit from your Facebook pic will not be appropriate for our standards."

 

[C.Ann]

Where was it and how much higher?

I don't remember the name of the hotel, but the per plate charge was in the $500 range - give or take a bit.. (Granted, the food was extremely elegant - but still..) Parking per day was $40 or $50 (can't remember the exact figure); "discounted" rooms (for guests) were $450 per night.. DD and her DH were not in the wedding (DGD was - but her dress was purchased by her other grandmother).. When all was said and done, it cost roughly around $1000 for them to attend the wedding.. They went down on a Friday night and left early Sunday morning (but still had to pay the full day parking fee).. The wedding itself ended up being in the high 6 figures - and I don't even know if that included the wedding gown, flowers, rings, etc..

If another cousin gets married in Manhattan, (this was the second wedding they have attended down there) they will not be going.. $1000 just to attend a wedding is ridiculous..

 

[mickeysgal]

Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

Ok - so what? Then the rule applies to all. It wasn't a one-person only rule. And that's the point many have been seen so clearly on this thread. It wasn't applicable to all but rather a single judgement based on what they "thought" she "might" wear. Seriously? If you see a facebook picture of someone in a bathing suit, do you assume they wear it everywhere and that they don't have a clue on how to dress for any other social situations? It just seems too convenient to run and use this as the excuse of not wanting her there.

I'm starting to think that there is another reason they didn't want this girl there....this cousin's girlfriend is too pretty and would attract too much attention and the bride would get upset, a different race maybe, working as a waitress at Hooters really means she's a hooker? It has to be something else. For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone with an ounce of common sense would get scared at the word Hooters, cry wolf over a facebook picture, and then make a huge leap with overactive imaginations over what she "might" wear to their conservative function. If she wore something that dared show some cleavage do they not trust the conservative family members to keep their eyes off her chest? Is that it? There has to be another reason why they've been so willing to jeapardize their new relationship with groom's side of the family.

Do you really think the other side of the family doesn't feel alienated already?

Can't wait for the threads that start complaining about how DD doesn't get along with her new family.

 

[Carly_Roach]

To put paid to this thread I have one final glimpse of perspective to offer:

This is an engagement party of a young couple who have all the intentions of marrying in a year and 1/2. If they were intending on getting married in the next six months I might take the situation a bit more seriously. But in this day and age of STRs (Short Term Relationships), people breaking their words as often as they change their underwear, and the "all about me" attitudes on behalf of the bride's family, I have my doubts that this marriage will ever occur.

OR last longer than a year if it does occur.

I hope no one brings gifts.

And with that, I'm outtee. The thread has reached my threshhold of either more than 100 replies, 10 pages or both.