Engagement issues already....

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't think it's too unknown given that she has two of her children's weddings, a graduation, and upcoming major holidays all within an extremely short time period. I think that would be normal to realize that of course that would be an uncomfortable place to be in. I still don't understand why the Mother of the Bride wouldn't have empathy for the Mother of the Groom in that situation.

It's clear, in my opinion anyway, that the bride is not thinking of anyone else besides herself. I'll add the groom to that too though. They are still in college, getting married is an adult milestone, but so is thinking of others and how to handle situations correctly. Sneaking and basically lying by omission behind your mother in law's back is starting on the wrong path, for marriage and for adulthood.

I've already been over it several times before so we'll have to agree to disagree on the points you've mentioned.

 

[mummabear]

It is truly a marvel you know what I'm thinking more than I do. Amazing feat, truly a marvel.

I'm always fascinated by the assumptions people make. For me it's a window into who they are as a person.

I can only go by what you have said yourself.
You have stated that you would only go to the first wedding because it's the groom that has put his wedding so close but if they are two unrelated weddings 2 months apart you would do your best to go to both, that seems pretty clear cut.

 

[mummabear]

It's clear, in my opinion anyway, that the bride is not thinking of anyone else besides herself. I'll add the groom to that too

The only thing clear is that they decided what suited them the best, that doesn't mean they didn't think about others. Just that in their opinion waiting a year (give or take) isn't what was best for them.
One could argue just the same the MIL is concerned about what's best for herself/the sister not what's best for this couple.

Why do you expect the couple to do what's best for person a if it means not doing what's best for person b or themselves.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I don't think the couple went behind anyone's backs in setting their date. Yes, it would've been nice to consult everyone, but it's their wedding and they'll do what they want, regardless of anyone else's feelings and opinions.

Sad but true story -- earlier this year one of my nephews married his bride without telling family members. The bride had two little kids already, and the newlyweds had a "surprise" on the way. After the wedding at city hall they went to the social security office to change the bride's name on the records, and accidentally ran into the groom's grand mother who was recently widowed and changing records of her own. She later called the groom's mom (my sister) and asked her why she (groom's mom) hadn't said anything about the wedding. ahem. My sister was just as surprised as grandma. After the baby is delivered in a few more weeks and the hormones settle down, the family is hoping to have an open house for the not-so-newly-weds. At that point there won't be any "hurry up" planning because they're already living together. The OP couple isn't living together before the ceremony, which is part of why they don't want to want any longer than they already have.

 

[cabanafrau]

I can only go by what you have said yourself.
You have stated that you would only go to the first wedding because it's the groom that has put his wedding so close but if they are two unrelated weddings 2 months apart you would do your best to go to both, that seems pretty clear cut.

I don't recall saying I would only go to the first wedding and don't believe I said that. I did say I would do my best to go to both weddings two months apart, which I would.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I don't recall saying I would only go to the first wedding and don't believe I said that. I did say I would do my best to go to both weddings two months apart, which I would.

I don't remember you ever saying anything like that, either. I think some pages back someone posed a question asking if someone absolutely could not attend two weddings, would they still go to one or would they skip both. Maybe you responded and Mummabear is trying to turn your answer into something it was not?

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't remember you ever saying anything like that, either. I think some pages back someone posed a question asking if someone absolutely could not attend two weddings, would they still go to one or would they skip both. Maybe you responded and Mummabear is trying to turn your answer into something it was not?

Yes, I did participate in the hypothetical a few pages back, and I did say I would do my best to attend both. Apparently that's not a good enough or sincere enough effort to satisfy some people who seem to approach every discussion and differing viewpoints like a mama bear protecting her young, going so far as telling some of us what we think.

 

[mummabear]

I don't remember you ever saying anything like that, either. I think some pages back someone posed a question asking if someone absolutely could not attend two weddings, would they still go to one or would they skip both. Maybe you responded and Mummabear is trying to turn your answer into something it was not?

Sorry, I can see looking back it was not @cabanafrau but @okeydokeys quote I was referring to.

Yes, I did participate in the hypothetical a few pages back, and I did say I would do my best to attend both. Apparently that's not a good enough or sincere enough effort to satisfy some people who seem to approach every discussion and differing viewpoints like a mama bear protecting her young, going so far as telling some of us what we think.

If you can't handle debate, and someone having a differing viewpoint to yours, maybe your not looking to have a discussion at all.

 

[jdb in AZ]

 

[cabanafrau]

Sorry, I can see looking back it was not @cabanafrau but @okeydokeys quote I was referring to.




If you can't handle debate, and someone having a differing viewpoint to yours, maybe your not looking to have a discussion at all.

I think perhaps you're a bit confused if you consider it debate to expect a person to take responsibility for someone else's words or to accept the premise that you know what they think better than they do themselves.

Incapable of "handling debate"? Such a cross to bear.

 

[roseaster]

If it were me, and for whatever reason I could only attend 1 of the weddings I would, likely, choose the 1st. Aside from it being the 1st scheduled, the other is very close to the holiday season.

It would be harder for most people to have the spare time and money closer to the holidays.

I am also of the set that doesn't feel it a necessity to send a gift if the invitation is declined.

 

[mummabear]

I think perhaps you're a bit confused if you consider it debate to expect a person to take responsibility for someone else's words or to accept the premise that you know what they think better than they do themselves.

Incapable of "handling debate"? Such a cross to bear.

I think you confuse debate with it ending with someone agreeing with you

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think you confuse debate with it ending with someone agreeing with you

You see to confuse it with getting the last word. In any event, most people on this thread disagree with your...interpretation..of the circumstances.

 

[mummabear]

You see to confuse it with getting the last word. In any event, most people on this thread disagree with your...interpretation..of the circumstances.

Oh no! Some random strangers on the internet don't agree with me? How will I sleep at night.

Will we have to agree to disagree, I personally think it is too much of a MIL to ask a couple to move their wedding back by a year (or even 6 minutes months)
I think having 2 kids it's poor planning if you have made promises to one that you can't replicate for the other, and I think if the couple don't care about her financial contribution then they can do as they wish.
I think if her sister didn't speak out when she had a chance it serves her right if she is unhappy now.
And most of all I think it is ridiculous for any parent to be upset that they wanted to focus on a sibling and now have to also pay attention to their their kid.

You can raise your kids any way you wish, mine I'll choose to support them equally.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Oh no! Some random strangers on the internet don't agree with me? How will I sleep at night.

Will we have to agree to disagree, I personally think it is too much of a MIL to ask a couple to move their wedding back by a year (or even 6 minutes months)
I think having 2 kids it's poor planning if you have made promises to one that you can't replicate for the other, and I think if the couple don't care about her financial contribution then they can do as they wish.
I think if her sister didn't speak out when she had a chance it serves her right if she is unhappy now.
And most of all I think it is ridiculous for any parent to be upset that they wanted to focus on a sibling and now have to also pay attention to their their kid.

You can raise your kids any way you wish, mine I'll choose to support them equally.

What a great attitude you have.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Oh no! Some random strangers on the internet don't agree with me? How will I sleep at night.

Will we have to agree to disagree, I personally think it is too much of a MIL to ask a couple to move their wedding back by a year (or even 6 minutes months)
I think having 2 kids it's poor planning if you have made promises to one that you can't replicate for the other, and I think if the couple don't care about her financial contribution then they can do as they wish.
I think if her sister didn't speak out when she had a chance it serves her right if she is unhappy now.
And most of all I think it is ridiculous for any parent to be upset that they wanted to focus on a sibling and now have to also pay attention to their their kid.

You can raise your kids any way you wish, mine I'll choose to support them equally.

I actually have 4 children, and have had days when I made some tough choices about who to support "most". Like the day my youngest was sent home from school with strep throat...and his sister was graduating HS that night. I missed the graduation--I was literally at the doctor with the little guy when his sister walked across the stage. DD was fine with it.

You seem to be very critical of the concept that this mother wants to devote time to her DD--and also to her son, but now they have to share her time and resources. It seems like this family has a lot going on in a short space of time, such as the graduations, as well. I can understand why the MOG is feeling overwhelmed. She brought up her concerns, and got labelled as "difficult" for her trouble. We also have no idea of the finances involved--perhaps she's promised financial help to her DD, and hoped to do the same for her son, but can't now, due to the close dates. As a mom, that would bother me. I think the MOG had valid concerns/reasons to ask for the date to be pushed out.

 

[mummabear]

I actually have 4 children, and have had days when I made some tough choices about who to support "most". Like the day my youngest was sent home from school with strep throat...and his sister was graduating HS that night. I missed the graduation--I was literally at the doctor with the little guy when his sister walked across the stage. DD was fine with it.

You seem to be very critical of the concept that this mother wants to devote time to her DD--and also to her son, but now they have to share her time and resources. It seems like this family has a lot going on in a short space of time, such as the graduations, as well. I can understand why the MOG is feeling overwhelmed. She brought up her concerns, and got labelled as "difficult" for her trouble. We also have no idea of the finances involved--perhaps she's promised financial help to her DD, and hoped to do the same for her son, but can't now, due to the close dates. As a mom, that would bother me. I think the MOG had valid concerns/reasons to ask for the date to be pushed out.

And I have 3 whats your point?

The difference here you see is that the events are not conflicting, and there is plenty of notice (unlike the example you have used). I am critical of the fact that this mother wants to devote her time to DD, you state "also to her son" thats not what has been said though. Also to your soon doesnt mean 2017 is your sisters year and I wanted to devote my time to her and that is my point.

2 of my 3 kids have their birthdays 3 weeks apart. Should I devote all my time to one of their parties, spend all my money there and give the other whatever is left over-for the both party/time planing and the gift? Or should I split my time and resources between them? Hm easy answer, and it applies to this situation too.

 

[mummabear]

What a great attitude you have.

Really, I get unfriendly remarks and respond in kind and it's just my attitude thats a problem?
I'd apologise but my self worth isnt wrapped up in what strangers think of me.

 

[CarolAnn856]

You can raise your kids any way you wish, mine I'll choose to support them equally.

"Equally" can mean different things to different people. That's basically what most posters have been trying to get you to see.

 

[mummabear]

"Equally" can mean different things to different people. That's basically what most posters have been trying to get you to see.

Equal:
being the same in quantity, size, degree, or value.
"add equal amounts of water and flour"
synonyms: identical, uniform, alike, like, the same, one and the same, equivalent, indistinguishable;

In case you were having trouble with what it means