Engagement issues already....

[wonderlandwego]

She is not planning a wedding, she is assisting with planning the weddings, big difference. How much time do you think is enough time for her to assist with a wedding?



They did take the groom sister into account, they spoke to her and she said she was fine with it, if she wasnt then she should have spoken up when given the chance.
They have taken the concerns into account but there is a) a big difference between her sister not being able to make it at all and the mother being "too busy" to help but able to attend, would you have them move the wedding and have her sister miss out? and b) their wishes to be able to start their lives together given that they can't live together beforehand.

Several posters have commented that the MIL asking to wait until 2018 means a wait of only 2 months, but point out that the wedding being 2 months after her sisters wedding means that planning will overlap with the sisters and that the MIL can't afford it. Do you really think that by moving the wedding only 2 months unto Jan 2018 would fix these things? Planning would still overlap, the groom can't plan his wedding in 4 months given the bride has over a year so moving the wedding doesnt fix this problem. And as far as financial contribution from the MIL, She has over a year until the sisters wedding, I doubt she is saying that she could mach the contribution with 4 months to save-really only an extra 2 than she already has. I think it much more likely she was requesting a longer postponement than 2 months.
Would you have put off your wedding by a year just to get some money from your parents? I personally would have rather gone without that money.

Even long distance my mother was involved in almost every decision I made about my own wedding. She wasn't technically planning it, she was my go-to person for advice, reassurance, opinions, calming of nerves, and so on. It took over a huge part of her life.

Asking the sister is a formality. I don't think most people would say "No". I would hope that my sibling or their future spouse would realize that if they have to ask, then they probably already know it wasn't the best decision.

I don't understand the big rush to live together. What's another 6 months? 4 months after sister's wedding. Still close but in the next calendar year, and let the mother get through the one that was already scheduled, the one which requires the biggest chunk of her time. Maybe people will have more vacation time, mother of the groom included, maybe people will have received their Christmas bonuses, income tax return, just a little more time, and the financial strain is less. I would be embarrassed if my children scheduled wedding 2 months apart, and had 2 graduations in a very short time span with those weddings. That's too much in one year.
I would also hope that the mother of the woman my son was marrying would, as an adult and a mother herself, realize that my year is incredibly hectic, and maybe talk to her daughter about why waiting a few months might be best for all.

I wouldn't have put off my wedding because I would have never considered scheduling one before my sibling's, or my future sister in law's, existing date. I would have thought about everyone involved, on both sides, and plan accordingly.

 

[mummabear]

Asking the sister is a formality. I don't think most people would say "No". I would hope that my sibling or their future spouse would realize that if they have to ask, then they probably already know it wasn't the best decision.

I don't understand the big rush to live together. What's another 6 months? 4 months after sister's wedding. Still close but in the next calendar year, and let the mother get through the one that was already scheduled, the one which requires the biggest chunk of her time. Maybe people will have more vacation time, mother of the groom included, maybe people will have received their Christmas bonuses, income tax return, just a little more time, and the financial strain is less. I would be embarrassed if my children scheduled wedding 2 months apart, and had 2 graduations in a very short time span with those weddings. That's too much in one year.
I would also hope that the mother of the woman my son was marrying would, as an adult and a mother herself, realize that my year is incredibly hectic, and maybe talk to her daughter about why waiting a few months might be best for all.
I wouldn't have put off my wedding because I would have never considered scheduling one before my sibling's, or my future sister in law's, existing date. I would have thought about everyone involved, on both sides, and plan accordingly.

They haven't scheduled it before the sister, they have scheduled it 2 months after the sister.
You are right that asking the sister is a formality, the only date she has dibs on is the one she picked, but they did give her an opportunity for input and if she didn't take it (assumptions here she may very well not care) then she can't complain.
What is 6 months? In regards to her sister the difference between being able to come or not, not to mention another 6 months not living together etc, remember this isn't just 6 months this is 6 months into of the 14 or 15 months they are already waiting.
You have said waiting 6 months would be best for all, but that isn't the case, it's what best for the MIL, and possibly some other members of the grooms extended family, it's not what's best for the sister and the couple have decided it's not what is best for them.
Also the MIL only has 1 graduation to worry about.

 

[mummabear]

You seem very upset about this.

No, I just find it odd that so many posters would apparently give one of their children such preferential treatment, and that so many seem to think organising a wedding (particularly in a supporting role) as so difficult and time consuming.
I am shocked to see that so many would seemingly like to see the couple be somewhat punished by extended family by putting the sister first in every way.
And surprised that so many think holding off getting married by 6-12 months as no big deal.

 

[wonderlandwego]

They haven't scheduled it before the sister, they have scheduled it 2 months after the sister.
You are right that asking the sister is a formality, the only date she has dibs on is the one she picked, but they did give her an opportunity for input and if she didn't take it (assumptions here she may very well not care) then she can't complain.
What is 6 months? In regards to her sister the difference between being able to come or not, not to mention another 6 months not living together etc, remember this isn't just 6 months this is 6 months into of the 14 or 15 months they are already waiting.
You have said waiting 6 months would be best for all, but that isn't the case, it's what best for the MIL, and possibly some other members of the grooms extended family, it's not what's best for the sister and the couple have decided it's not what is best for them.

You're right about the date, this whole time I thought it was before. Completely misread the original post. That's a teeny tiny bit better, but still too close, in my opinion, doesn't have to be everyone's. I still stand by what I said, 2 wedding and 2 graduations are too much in one year, I'm sure she is planing parties for the graduations as well. I can not be on board with anything that would cause stress on one side of the wedding couple's family. Especially one of the parents. I wouldn't want that shadow on my planning either, or the potential strain on my future MIL, or her relationship with her son, and the potential hurt he is causing her.

 

[mummabear]

You're right about the date, this whole time I thought it was before. Completely misread the original post. That's a teeny tiny bit better, but still too close, in my opinion, doesn't have to be everyone's. I still stand by what I said, 2 wedding and 2 graduations are too much in one year, I'm sure she is planing parties for the graduations as well. I can not be on board with anything that would cause stress on one side of the wedding couple's family. Especially one of the parents. I wouldn't want that shadow on my planning either, or the potential strain on my future MIL, or her relationship with her son, and the potential hurt he is causing her.

The MIL only has one graduation, the grooms. The other graduation is OPs daughter.
TBH I have no idea how much work a US graduation is, here not a lot. The ceremony itself, a dinner with family or a party maybe.
I too wouldn't want to purposely add stress to my MIL but if the alternative is to add stress to someone else as important, it's a loose/loose really. My guess is that the couple triaged their priorities and the issues various important people could face and came to this outcome.

 

[Nancyg56]

No, I just find it odd that so many posters would apparently give one of their children such preferential treatment, and that so many seem to think organising a wedding (particularly in a supporting role) as so difficult and time consuming.
I am shocked to see that so many would seemingly like to see the couple be somewhat punished by extended family by putting the sister first in every way.
And surprised that so many think holding off getting married by 6-12 months as no big deal.

I am the mother of 2 sons, 1 daughter. I undestand that YOUR planning methods work for you, and agree that in your family this situation would be fine. I would not be fine in my family. I would not want to give any child preferential treatment so I would want and need time in between both celebrations. In the event my son chose to keep the date he and his fiancé want, I would have to honor any commitments I made to my daughter, and while that may seem to be a unishment fo my son, it woudl nto be intended to be. I also know that my extended family around the country would not be able to attend to weddings in two months. Is that punishing my son? I think not.

I guess I do not understand why a sisters sports commitments that are not yet in place are so important, but a mothers concerns are not. You can rationalize all you want that this is no big deal in regards to planning time, wedding event days, and finances, but for many this is a huge issue. It seems to be for the MOG, and it would be for me. Much the same way as way as you are befuddled by the MOG need for time for whatever she needs it for, I am befuddled by the lack of regard for a parents concerns.

 

[CarolAnn856]

The MIL only has one graduation, the grooms. The other graduation is OPs daughter.
TBH I have no idea how much work a US graduation is, here not a lot. The ceremony itself, a dinner with family or a party maybe.
I too wouldn't want to purposely add stress to my MIL but if the alternative is to add stress to someone else as important, it's a loose/loose really. My guess is that the couple triaged their priorities and the issues various important people could face and came to this outcome.

Perhaps the fact that you are not familiar with customs in the US explains why so many on this thread can see why the groom's mother may have concerns about the date, whereas you don't see that those concerns may very well be valid. It's obvious that you would have no problem with the situation as you imagine it, which is great. However, those of us who can see the myriad of possibilities that may cause problems have valid viewpoints as well. Perhaps weddings and graduations have the potential to be more elaborate here, even though certainly not all are.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Perhaps the fact that you are not familiar with customs in the US explains why so many on this thread can see why the groom's mother may have concerns about the date, whereas you don't see that those concerns may very well be valid. It's obvious that you would have no problem with the situation as you imagine it, which is great. However, those of us who can see the myriad of possibilities that may cause problems have valid viewpoints as well. Perhaps weddings and graduations have the potential to be more elaborate here, even though certainly not all are.

But tbh even if one is familar with US customs there are certain things that are also regional things. Things that people do in the south aren't necessarily the same things they do in the midwest or in the new england area or in the west when it concerns events such as graduations or weddings. Believe me I do think everyone has valid points and concerns even if I personally don't agree with them but that being said I'm not sure knowing US customs/costs would get a person that far (though maybe it would help with some familiarity) considering how each area could be doing things completely different as far as norms.

 

[mummabear]

Perhaps the fact that you are not familiar with customs in the US explains why so many on this thread can see why the groom's mother may have concerns about the date, whereas you don't see that those concerns may very well be valid. It's obvious that you would have no problem with the situation as you imagine it, which is great. However, those of us who can see the myriad of possibilities that may cause problems have valid viewpoints as well. Perhaps weddings and graduations have the potential to be more elaborate here, even though certainly not all are.

US weddings are not some 3 day long traditional custom.
Western weddings are much of a muchness with many variations depending on the personality of the couple and their families whether that be a 700 person hoopla or a 20 person ceremony by a waterfall and all the wonderful options in between.
None of that changes the fact that rather than carving out time for her sons wedding as well she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to wait to get married for an unknown to us period of time, maybe an extra 2 months maybe an extra 13 months on top of their 14-15 month engagement they want.
I ask again would you live apart from your husband for a year on the say so of his mom?

 

[roseaster]

US weddings are not some 3 day long traditional custom.
Western weddings are much of a muchness with many variations depending on the personality of the couple and their families whether that be a 700 person hoopla or a 20 person ceremony by a waterfall and all the wonderful options in between.
None of that changes the fact that rather than carving out time for her sons wedding as well she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to wait to get married for an unknown to us period of time, maybe an extra 2 months maybe an extra 13 months on top of their 14-15 month engagement they want.
I ask again would you live apart from your husband for a year on the say so of his mom?

They are living apart on their own accord. No one is forcing that decision but them. If they were that hot to get into the same house they could go to the courthouse or whatever religious person at any time and get married, but they are choosing to wait 15 months so that they can have a big party.

Unfortunately, lately weddings have become 3 day affairs. Day 1 - rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Day 2 wedding and reception. Day 3- brunch. It's not my thing, but people are now also including after parties and brunches and teas.

Again, I still can't figure out how you are so sure of the MOG's finances and time constraints. Just because it is something you could manage doesn't mean it is something she can, and she has said she can't.

There are a score of reasons that she could or would be strapped for cash and time. Also, be aware, that in the US if a person has paid vacation time at all it is often very limited. Maybe the MOG has plotted out her 2017 vacation time to be used for her daughter's wedding.

Again, if hey are dead set on that date then it is what it is, but the MOG being honest and saying she can't afford it and doesn't have the time to be as involved isn't being difficult, it isn't favoring one child over another. The sister already had her wedding planned when the new couple decided on the date. If the MOG has already committed her time and money it wouldn't be fair to ask her to rescind the promises she made to her daughter.

 

[powellrj]

I am sure the MOG will do the best that she can. We had an awful conflict when my oldest DS got married. My DFIL died 5 days before the wedding. DH was covered up with dealing with his job and his fathers death and his brothers couldn't be bothered to come up early to help (which is another story) so planning the funeral fell to me. We had the funeral on wednesday and the wedding on saturday. Not they way I had planned, but we got through it.

The point I was trying to make was while I got through everything, it wasn't how I would have ever wanted to have done it. Same with MOG, I am sure she will get through everything, it just won't be how she would have wanted to do it. I am sure she would have loved to have had more time to give to the 2nd wedding. We don't know what other things she has going on in her life. She may have a stressful job and smaller kids still at home.

 

[Skywalker]

She is not planning a wedding, she is assisting with planning the weddings, big difference. How much time do you think is enough time for her to assist with a wedding?



They did take the groom sister into account, they spoke to her and she said she was fine with it, if she wasnt then she should have spoken up when given the chance.
They have taken the concerns into account but there is a) a big difference between her sister not being able to make it at all and the mother being "too busy" to help but able to attend, would you have them move the wedding and have her sister miss out? and b) their wishes to be able to start their lives together given that they can't live together beforehand.

Several posters have commented that the MIL asking to wait until 2018 means a wait of only 2 months, but point out that the wedding being 2 months after her sisters wedding means that planning will overlap with the sisters and that the MIL can't afford it. Do you really think that by moving the wedding only 2 months unto Jan 2018 would fix these things? Planning would still overlap, the groom can't plan his wedding in 4 months given the bride has over a year so moving the wedding doesnt fix this problem. And as far as financial contribution from the MIL, She has over a year until the sisters wedding, I doubt she is saying that she could mach the contribution with 4 months to save-really only an extra 2 than she already has. I think it much more likely she was requesting a longer postponement than 2 months.
Would you have put off your wedding by a year just to get some money from your parents? I personally would have rather gone without that money.

To the bolded, I know they have said the sister is fine with it but it also could be the sister was just trying to be nice and mother-in-law is stepping up to the plate in the role of "bad guy" to try and get this new bride to open her eyes. (Didn't work though, new bride went full steam ahead anyway)

I also don't understand why you feel you know all the inner workings of this family lol. How much planning she will be doing, how much time she has, and how much money she can contribute and how long a postponement she was "likely" asking for...because to me all it sounds like is mother that would like to be able to devote equal time and attention to both of her kids but would be overwhelmed with it all at once and she knows someone would be shortchanged. She is honest with her limitations. That is fair and valid. And I wouldn't blame her for honouring the commitments she has already made her daughter, since this is a position her son and his new bride have put her in by trying to shoe horn in after the fact.

 

[CarolAnn856]

US weddings are not some 3 day long traditional custom.
Western weddings are much of a muchness with many variations depending on the personality of the couple and their families whether that be a 700 person hoopla or a 20 person ceremony by a waterfall and all the wonderful options in between.
None of that changes the fact that rather than carving out time for her sons wedding as well she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to wait to get married for an unknown to us period of time, maybe an extra 2 months maybe an extra 13 months on top of their 14-15 month engagement they want.
I ask again would you live apart from your husband for a year on the say so of his mom?

Actually, you proved my point. Many US weddings have events spread over three days. I have no idea what "much of a muchness" is supposed to mean.

And no, I would have no problem moving the date by a few months if it gave our close relatives an opportunity to be a greater part of our planning and celebration. With a lifetime of living together to look forward to, pushing the date back in order to help my future in-laws avoid financial and other stress would not be a big deal, TBH. If, for some reason, getting married at a certain time was necessary (impending deployment is one situation I can think of), I would be happy to scale back the type of wedding in order to keep it manageable for everyone involved. You can't always have your cake and eat it, too.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Back on topic...Something else to consider is that all this has happened within only a few weeks. The OP's daughter only got engaged several weeks ago. Maybe the mother of the groom was simply feeling overwhelmed and needed some time to think about how everything could work out with the weddings that close together. With the sister's wedding about a year out, they may be in the midst of a flurry of appointments right now, making decisions and deposits. That might seem to be a lot on her plate right now, and in time she may be able to see that it will all work out. There will be a lull in the planning soon, but if the sister hasn't hit that yet, the groom's mother may just need her son, future daughter-in-law, and her FDIL's mother to cut her some slack.

 

[CarolAnn856]

But tbh even if one is familar with US customs there are certain things that are also regional things. Things that people do in the south aren't necessarily the same things they do in the midwest or in the new england area or in the west when it concerns events such as graduations or weddings. Believe me I do think everyone has valid points and concerns even if I personally don't agree with them but that being said I'm not sure knowing US customs/costs would get a person that far (though maybe it would help with some familiarity) considering how each area could be doing things completely different as far as norms.

Which is why I said that US weddings have the potential to be rather elaborate. People here in the US, even if that isn't the custom in their area, are at least generally aware that it is a real possibility elsewhere. And I think that's why many posters can see why the groom's mother may have legitimate concerns.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The horse is dead.......

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Which is why I said that US weddings have the potential to be rather elaborate. People here in the US, even if that isn't the custom in their area, are at least generally aware that it is a real possibility elsewhere. And I think that's why many posters can see why the groom's mother may have legitimate concerns.

Well I wasn't debating that point at all really and I never said anything about weddings not having the potential to be elaborate I wasn't speaking at all to how elaborate or not they can be just that things can be different depending on where you live. There is no 1 way of doing a wedding here in the U.S. but quite frankly it's not worth my time to fully explain.

 

[Allons-y!]

Well I wasn't debating that point at all really and I never said anything about weddings not having the potential to be elaborate I wasn't speaking at all to how elaborate or not they can be just that things can be different depending on where you live. There is no 1 way of doing a wedding here in the U.S. but quite frankly it's not worth my time to fully explain.

Explain what? The entire point is that there are many, many different styles of US weddings, and the other poster may not be aware of the full range. I feel like you're not reading the full posts or something.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Explain what? The entire point is that there are many, many different styles of US weddings, and the other poster may not be aware of the full range. I feel like you're not reading the full posts or something.

Explain what I was actually saying in full depth. What the other poster re-stated wasn't pertaining to what I was actually saying in regards to mummabear's post.

As to your point about there being many different styles....that's actually what I said in my post about different regions doing things different ways in the U.S.....

And for the record I did read the full posts.

 

[roseaster]

The horse is dead.......

Yet, 23 pages later your interest is piqued enough that you are still reading.