Engagement issues already....

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My mum and uncle got married within about 2 months apart in 1972. My grandparents were happy to have it over and done with. They even contributed more financially than traditionally expected from the grooms family at the time. Is the groom family being expected to contribute equally to the wedding?

No one knows for sure what is expected of the groom's family.

One side is sure that the bride wants the groom's family to pay for everything. The other seems to believe that the bride doesn't want to pay for anything, or even be involved at all.

The reality? We will never know what is truly happening, unless both the bride, herself, and the groom's mother come to the board to explain their part.

 

[mummabear]

I believe any concerns the mother of the groom expressed about what's best for her son were dismissed as mom being difficult.

How is saying "don't get married it's your sisters year" expressing the interests of the groom?

 

[sam_gordon]

How is saying "don't get married it's your sisters year" expressing the interests of the groom?

If the OP wasn't even there, how do YOU know exactly what was said?

 

[mummabear]

If the OP wasn't even there, how do YOU know exactly what was said?

All we have to go on is the info the OP gave.

According to the OP the MIL stated that the groom should wait to 2018 because 2017 was his sisters year

 

[disney4us2002]

Granted I have not read 17 (Holy cow!) pages of replies but it seems nuts to me that groom's mother is asking for a postponement to 2018. If the son had said, "we want to get married in May or June 2017" in front of the sister, then I would agree that that is not good. Getting married two months later is no biggie to me. I have three sons; if I get to have any imput, I will be thrilled!

Your wedding date is very personal. We're coming up on our 30th. My parents did not like our date as it was Labor Day weekend. We listened to what they had to say and then planned it anyway. It is OUR date. Forever.

 

[Lisa F]

Wow, that was an entertaining read.

I think the biggest problem here is not the date so much but the lack of respect and consideration of the groom's mother's wishes. Not that you have to give in to them necessarily, but just poopooing them as the whims of a difficult woman and refusal to acknowledge that her reservations might actually be warranted is making this situation worse than it needs to be. I can think of many things that would be running through my head if I were the mother of the groom... not just the inability to financially absorb the hit from two weddings so close together (even with a year to plan both of them) but also, as kind of the gatekeeper to the groom's side of the family, feeling responsible for putting all of his relatives in a tough spot where they might have to choose which wedding to go to or overextend themselves to go to both weddings etc. It is not inexpensive to be just a guest at a wedding either and for many people two in two months would be a tough thing to absorb into the budget. You forget here that we are all on a site planning what is a very big luxury vacation... but there are many people who can't throw around even a cash gift, a nice set of clothes and travel expenses, babysitter, whatever else it costs to go to two weddings a couple of months apart. I'm sure she wants to feel like her side of the family is being equal consideration and their ability to attend is important to her as it is for her daughter's wedding.

if the OP is even still reading, I would encourage the groom to sit down and talk to his mom and REALLY listen to and both understand and ACKNOWLEDGE all of her feelings. Don't dismiss them. Don't say "she's just being difficult." Her concerns are valid and rooted in reality. I don't think she is adding on other things just to pee in her son's cornflakes either but she may have very real concerns about the financial ramifications of the plans to move out and live together and take on those expenses when they can't financially afford to and who will be making up the shortfall? If she is supporting him at home now, will she be expected to support him financially until he is graduated and gets a raise that will allow him to support himself fully including paying his student loans? I think if she is supporting him now and he can't make ends meet until he has the degree then it is a valid question for her to be asking him.

I do think the two weddings are way too close. If I were in the groom's extended family and expected to be at both I'd be seriously grumbling about it and wondering what I'd have to cut where to make it happen or how I was going to choose which one to go to or just not go to either at all to be fair. I do wonder if it will affect the sister's wedding as people make the decision not to attend EITHER because they can't afford to attend both. The son may not care if half his family is not there but his sister may care. IMO it is kind of unfair to put that burden on the groom's entire extended family. But I guess it doesn't matter what I think. But it SHOULD matter what the groom's mother thinks. A lot more than it does. Even if ultimately the decision is to keep the wedding on the same date, I think it would go a long way if she felt like she mattered and if it felt like her wishes were at least considered and understood instead of summarily dismissed as the ravings of a difficult woman.

 

[manning]

 

[mom2rtk]

All we have to go on is the info the OP gave.

According to the OP the MIL stated that the groom should wait to 2018 because 2017 was his sisters year

Waiting until 2018 could have entailed as little as an extra 2 months to wait.

 

[mummabear]

Waiting until 2018 could have entailed as little as an extra 2 months to wait.

But who knows how long into 2018 MIL was asking? If it truly 2 months then I'm still not sure how much extra MIL can save in that 2 months...I would take not a lot otherwise 2 weddings wouldn't be much of a burden in the first place, particularly since one you are not being asked to contribute much if at all.

For the couple who have stated they ar eunable to live together until they are married this means another Christmas living apart and depending on their current living situation another 2 months paying double expenses.

So people believe that the groom needs to take his mother and sister into account when choosing his date, doesn't seem like the groom was consulted about his sisters date...

 

[sam_gordon]

So people believe that the groom needs to take his mother and sister into account when choosing his date, doesn't seem like the groom was consulted about his sisters date.

Do you like making assumptions? Maybe the groom was consulted. Even if he wasn't, the sister and fiance might have at least thought about whether he had any big events planned around that time (like the OPs DD & fiance did for her sister).

I have no problem with the OPs DD & future SiL picking any date they want. However,
1) They can't be upset if groom's parents can't "help" (whether financially or logistically) as much as they do with the groom's sister.
2) They can't be upset if family/friends of the groom don't participate in showers or attend the wedding.
3) They can't be upset if their "gift pile" is smaller than what they are hoping.

Now, I'm guessing if someone actually said all of that to the couple they'd say "no problem". And it might not be. Or it may be but they wouldn't admit it.

 

[kamik86]

Even things like how much of a burden it is on the guests would be very up in the air depending on circumstances.

My entire extended family with the exception of a now two aunts/uncles and a cousin live within 1.5 hours of my home.

At the time I got married it was only one aunts family (that hadn't spoken to my father or anyone in our branch of the family in 3 years) and the cousins family (he was in the marines and stationed near DC).

Since we didn't invite cousins (too many and not close to most) and my aunt wasn't speaking to our branch of the family no one on the guest list was traveling besides DH and I (we lived apart at the time due to me being away at college). So to attend 2 weddings in 2 months would ahve been no big deal. It was two saturday events 8 weeks apart for guests. For those in the wedding party it woudl be a bit more work but we didn't do the bachlor and bachlorette parties (his side didn't throw one, my bridesmaids were in high school so I never expected one) etc. So even that it was finding time for dresses and fux fittings and the rehersal dinner.

 

[ChattaAlley]

I know this has gone on and on for 17 pages and has the OP even responded back? I did not read through all pages.

IMO and that is just was it is my opinion. I think it is kindda crummy of the DD and future SIL to plan a wedding 2 months from his sister's. I don't believe that anyone has a "year" so to speak but 2 months is way too close. Seems a bit selfish. If you are running off and eloping then go for it but if it is a big wedding then I would have been more considerate of the sister and her soon to be husband and that side of the family and friends. It is a hardship to have to buy two dresses, help pay for two weddings, go to two or more showers etc. Seems kindda rude....

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I know this has gone on and on for 17 pages and has the OP even responded back? I did not read through all pages.

IMO and that is just was it is my opinion. I think it is kindda crummy of the DD and future SIL to plan a wedding 2 months from his sister's. I don't believe that anyone has a "year" so to speak but 2 months is way too close. Seems a bit selfish. If you are running off and eloping then go for it but if it is a big wedding then I would have been more considerate of the sister and her soon to be husband and that side of the family and friends. It is a hardship to have to buy two dresses, help pay for two weddings, go to two or more showers etc. Seems kindda rude....

Yes, the OP responded. It has to be in November because that is the only time that works for the sister of the bride.

 

[mom2rtk]

But who knows how long into 2018 MIL was asking? If it truly 2 months then I'm still not sure how much extra MIL can save in that 2 months.....

Even if it would only be 2 months, that would double the saving and planning time she would have had before.

 

[mjkacmom]

But who knows how long into 2018 MIL was asking? If it truly 2 months then I'm still not sure how much extra MIL can save in that 2 months...I would take not a lot otherwise 2 weddings wouldn't be much of a burden in the first place, particularly since one you are not being asked to contribute much if at all.

For the couple who have stated they ar eunable to live together until they are married this means another Christmas living apart and depending on their current living situation another 2 months paying double expenses.

So people believe that the groom needs to take his mother and sister into account when choosing his date, doesn't seem like the groom was consulted about his sisters date...

Since the MIL expressed concern for the couple's finances when they eventually live together, I assume they are both living at home, and their expenses will increase when they move in together, and have to pay rent and utilities.

 

[cabanafrau]

How is saying "don't get married it's your sisters year" expressing the interests of the groom?

We've also been told that mom expressed financial concerns, her own and those of her son in regards to student loans, as well as wanting him to be able to establish his career and get through finals. But of course all of those concerns were just "mom being difficult".

I can easily see how the request by the mom to push a couple months back, which happen to fall in a new calendar year, because the months leading up to the daughter's already planned wedding were going to be very hectic could be heard by the son, his fiance and her mother be heard as "it's your sister's year" -- or spun that way to validate a decision to damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I will just say again...
Finances should absolutely NOT be an issue here.
These are mature, gainfully employed, independent individuals.
IMHO, their wedding date does absolutely nothing to change, or 'better' their financial situation.
In fact, they can probably live together as one for less money than they can living separately.

Also, it seems that the couple are contributing to the wedding.
And I will make one assumption, that the OP, the mother-of-the-bride, is contributing significantly. It is not like this couple seem to have any big financial expectations from this mother-of-the-groom.

When one has two (or more) children, one should be prepared to support TWO (or more) children, at whatever level finances might dictate. There are two birthdays every year, two sports/extra-curriculars, two graduations, two EVERYTHNG. Yes, that includes TWO WEDDINGS. Just the way it is... It is disrespectful to make any suggestion to say that "The other sibling gets all my time, attention, and financial support... so, sorry, but you don't. It is just plain wrong to say, sorry but your sibling has to come first.

The very suggestion that this adult, gainfully married, couple, should wait until 2018 - there is just no reasonable or rational justifcation for this.
It is, in fact, in my view, not only self-absorbed... but totally inappropriate and downright ridiculous.

 

[Hikergirl]

I will just say again...
Finances should absolutely NOT be an issue here.
These are mature, gainfully employed, independent individuals.
IMHO, their wedding date does absolutely nothing to change, or 'better' their financial situation.
In fact, they can probably live together as one for less money than they can living separately.

Also, it seems that the couple are contributing to the wedding.
And I will make one assumption, that the OP, the mother-of-the-bride, is contributing significantly.

When one has two (or more) children, one should be prepared to support TWO (or more) children, at whatever level finances might dictate.

The very suggestion that this adult, gainfully married, couple, should wait until 2018 - there is just no reasonable or rational justifcation for this.
It is, in fact, in my view, not only self-absorbed... but totally inappropriate and downright ridiculous.

That is so easy to say when you have one child. Sometimes life just doesn't work out they way we think it should.
And paying for a wedding isn't supporting, its a gift. Afterall ike you said these are mature, gainfully employed, independent individuals. They don't need anyone to support them right? If they do need it someone to pay for their wedding then maybe your opinion would be different.
And again, I don't think that anyone ever said that the future MIL was planning on paying for the wedding but a close family member like MOG attending a wedding can be expensive. Lucky you, you have one child and don't ever have to worry about this scenerio, but that also means you have no idea what you are talking about here.


One day your ds is going to get married and you are going to be the MIL. I hope you remember this post specifically if your future DIL and ds set a date that doesn't work perfectly with you for whatever reason.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can easily see how the request by the mom to push a couple months back, which happen to fall in a .....

Again, the obvious must be stated here....
If 'two months before' is just TOO close.
Then 'two months after' is just TOO close.

Two months is NOT the objective here.
Two months would make no real difference in finances or any of the factors that this MIL is 'objecting' to.

The MILS statements and objectives here are all too obvious.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hikergirl, your post is almost inappropriate.
In fact, IMHO, it actually is inapppropriate.
And I will state here, 200%, that you (and mom2rtk) could not be more wrong.