Engagement issues already....

[Vijoge]

Are you saying the Op suggest that her DD graciously exclude her future MIL? Decline any offer of help, tell her show up in her new dress, and avoid discussing the wedding, and if perhaps she feels badly she will rethink her position? And then what? This woman has her reasons for asking her DS to consider postponing this weeing. I do not know what they are, but I would not feel good about guilting a woman into "rethinking" her position. This is basically shunning the woman because of her circumstances, whatever they are.

No, not shunning. MIL thinks it's too much to handle. I can understand why she might feel that way. Could be a time issue. Could be financial. Could be it's too much emotionally. This way she can plan her daughter's wedding and then relax and enjoy her son's.

 

[Wendy31]

How is saying "don't get married it's your sisters year" expressing the interests of the groom?

I've been thinking about this aspect of the whole situation - the groom's mother saying, "But it's your sister's year...".

Maybe not an entire year, but is it really so wrong of the groom's mother to feel, "I really wanted to spend this time focused on my daughter & her wedding. It's not that I don't love my son & the person he's marrying. It's just that I know my focus is going to be on my daughter's wedding - the planning & prep, the showers, the different guests at the different events, gifts... I know that my son is getting married 2 months after my daughter, so my daughter's wedding will be over. But some of the planning & prep & different events will still overlap. We'll probably be having parties & showers for my son & his fiancé the month my daughter is getting married. And it's just going to be a really busy, busy time. I didn't want to spend that time w/ my focus & attention divided. I wanted to spend that time with my attention & focus 100% devoted to my daughter. And, oh dear! What about all our family that will be invited to all these events? What do I say to them..."

Is that really so awful of the groom's mother to feel that way?

It's not that she loves her son any less. In her mind, she was going to be able to devote all of her time to her daughter's wedding & now she'll have to change her focus a bit & sees that as taking away some of the attention she would have been able to give her daughter.

Maybe she's the type of person who gets easily overwhelmed. Maybe she's too fussy. Who knows? We are only seeing her through the bride's mother's perspective. But maybe the mother of the groom really does love her children equally & really wants to give their weddings (& all that goes w/ the weddings) equal attention & doesn't see how that can happen w/ one wedding just 2 months after the other wedding.

I know a woman who has 2 daughters. The year each graduated from high school, she called the year "The Year of _________ (daughter's name)." When the oldest got married, it was "The Year of ________ (daughter's name)."

Quite like the mother of the groom (who is also a mother of the bride) in the original post.

And, as an aside, I don't get how some posters automatically get their defenses up because it's the mother-in-law (in this case, future mother-in-law). It's like, "Ooh... it's the mother-in-law. She's an evil wretch who's out to sabotage her new daughter-in-law."

When, in reality, we don't know if that's the case or not.

Some of us who are acting like "all mother-in-laws are horrid!" have sons ourselves & will someday become mother-in-laws & have daughter-in-laws. And our sons are watching how we treat our mother-in-laws & what we say about our mother-in-laws & will assume it's the norm when they become married.

I'm very glad I married someone who respects & loves his mother. And, because I love my husband, even though my mother-in-law irritates me sometimes (just like my own mother does), I treat my mother-in-law w/ respect & love. She's also now the grandmother of my children. And my children are watching. I want my sons to grow up believing that the extended family of the husband/dad is just as important as the extended family of the wife/mom.

And when we got married, I wanted DH's mother to be involved. She was an important part of his life, so she needed to be an important part of our wedding.

I will just say again...
Finances should absolutely NOT be an issue here.
These are mature, gainfully employed, independent individuals.
IMHO, their wedding date does absolutely nothing to change, or 'better' their financial situation.
In fact, they can probably live together as one for less money than they can living separately.

Also, it seems that the couple are contributing to the wedding.
And I will make one assumption, that the OP, the mother-of-the-bride, is contributing significantly. It is not like this couple seem to have any big financial expectations from this mother-of-the-groom.

When one has two (or more) children, one should be prepared to support TWO (or more) children, at whatever level finances might dictate. There are two birthdays every year, two sports/extra-curriculars, two graduations, two EVERYTHNG. Yes, that includes TWO WEDDINGS. Just the way it is... It is disrespectful to make any suggestion to say that "The other sibling gets all my time, attention, and financial support... so, sorry, but you don't. It is just plain wrong to say, sorry but your sibling has to come first.

The very suggestion that this adult, gainfully married, couple, should wait until 2018 - there is just no reasonable or rational justifcation for this.
It is, in fact, in my view, not only self-absorbed... but totally inappropriate and downright ridiculous.

I know you said you're not commenting any more, but maybe you're still reading.

Everyone's circumstances are different. And just because we make assumptions doesn't make those assumptions true or fact or obvious.

When DH & I got married, we were both employed. However, we were both still living w/ our respective parents - we weren't spending any of our money on rent or utilities or groceries.

So, even though we were mature & gainfully employed, when we got married & came together as one household, life suddenly became MUCH more expensive for us.

* We DON'T know the circumstances of the groom & bride in this situation because the bride's mother hasn't told us where the bride & groom are living now - only that they're not living together. We don't know if they're living w/ their parents, in separate apartments, if the groom is living in a dorm on campus... (Unless the bride's mother said & I just missed it.)

* We really DON'T know the reasoning behind the groom's mother saying it'd be nice if the groom changed his wedding date - because, again, we're getting the information filtered through the bride's mother.

So it's not very nice to call the groom's mother "ridiculous" or "self-absorbed" or "inappropriate". Maybe your own mother-in-law really was all of those things, & I'm sorry if she was. But is it really fair to automatically assume the worst of every other mother-in-law out there based on your own experiences?

And we have 3 children. So there are 3 of everything. But no one is graduating from high school the same year. No one is graduating from college the same year. 2 have birthdays the same month, & that's hard enough! LOL!

Our daughter & older son are 18 months apart in age, so, conceivably, we could be faced w/ the same situation as the mother of the groom in the original post. And, honestly, I would do it. We'd do 2 weddings in 2 months if that's what our children had decided was best for themselves.

But, seriously, can you NOT see how stressful it would be? Financially, emotionally, planning-wise...

Am I the only poster who here actaully cared about when my anniversary fell? I was married on my grandparents' anniversary. I also specially wanted a date at a time of year that was nice for travel for anniversaries and NOT in December which is always so busy with the holidays and my birthday (and as it turned out both kids' birthdays too). So moving things by two months, or six or whatever--other than by a full year, would have changed that date, which was important to me.

Did no one else see a decent change in their tax rate when tehy could do married filing jointly? Does having the option to do that for one extra year qualify as a reason for the couple to want to be married in fall of 2017 instead of sometimer in 2018?

How about health insurance? I know that I was only covered through my parents' plan until the end of the calendar year in which I graduated (this may be different now iwht new laws)--being married meant I could be on DH's plan through work.

I have no idea how considerate of the groom's mother and other guests the couple has or has not been, or how big or small of an affair the couple plan to have, or who is paying for what, or how far away any family (other than the bride's sister) is from, etc---but it seems like there are a lot of valid things to consider which many posters are not even thining baout---it is not, or shouldn't be, all about the one day party (or, in the case of some of these more extravagant events, few weeks worth of parties/showers/dinners/whatever)

DH & I did care. We became an "official couple" in April 1992. So, 3 years later, I wanted our wedding to be in April because it's a special month for us.

I understand that wedding dates are important for the bride & groom & there are reasons why the dates are chosen.

But, like another poster said, if the wedding really is all about the bride & groom & their wants & desires & no one else matters, perhaps it'd be better if they just forgo the wedding ceremony & reception which usually involves other family & just get married by themselves w/ no one else involved.

You can't please all the people all the time. And you certainly can't pick a wedding date that's going to be convenient for each one of your guests. However, if you are giving consideration to the bride's immediate family, then I think it's only fair to give equal consideration to the groom's immediate family.

And maybe the wedding date doesn't change. Maybe there are more reasons to keep the wedding in November 2017 than to change it. However, I think it's unfair to call the groom's mother "difficult" because she's asking for the same consideration that was given to the bride's sister. At least feel a little sorry you can't change it. At least consider the groom's mother's feelings. If I were the mother of the groom or the mother of the bride, I'd want to at least be considered. I think we all would.

 

[kamik86]

DH & I did care. We became an "official couple" in April 1992. So, 3 years later, I wanted our wedding to be in April because it's a special month for us.

I understand that wedding dates are important for the bride & groom & there are reasons why the dates are chosen.

But, like another poster said, if the wedding really is all about the bride & groom & their wants & desires & no one else matters, perhaps it'd be better if they just forgo the wedding ceremony & reception which usually involves other family & just get married by themselves w/ no one else involved.

You can't please all the people all the time. And you certainly can't pick a wedding date that's going to be convenient for each one of your guests. However, if you are giving consideration to the bride's immediate family, then I think it's only fair to give equal consideration to the groom's immediate family.

And maybe the wedding date doesn't change. Maybe there are more reasons to keep the wedding in November 2017 than to change it. However, I think it's unfair to call the groom's mother "difficult" because she's asking for the same consideration that was given to the bride's sister. At least feel a little sorry you can't change it. At least consider the groom's mother's feelings. If I were the mother of the groom or the mother of the bride, I'd want to at least be considered. I think we all would.

See and if they couple were doing that many here would call them selfish for not allowing others to enjoy the day with them.

I see it as no matter what a couple does someone is going to be pissed off so just do what is best for them.

As for a MIL wanting things to be just so... well that is all well and good but many times you don't get what you want. I would have LOVED my wedding the months before to have been focused on wedding planning and on spending time with both families. What happened however is that my husbands mother got extremely sick 2 months before the wedding. she was in a coma for weeks. We spent a ton of money traveling to the hospital she was staying at. Luckily I wasn't in class and was in an internship at the time or school would have failed me on all my classes since we weren't married yet and she wasn't technically family yet.

we got our marriage licence after being awake for over 28 hours prior in a hospital waiting room while on one of our few quick breaks from the hospital, because we weren't going to be able to afford to take a trip back a month before the wedding anymore to plan. I never was able to meet half my vendors in person for the palnning due to this. Everything ended up being done over the phone.

Then a month before I lost my uncle as well.

I would have loved for the only thing pulling focus away from my wedding and the joyous occasion to have been another wedding. Something everyone could have smiled and celebrated about. I would have loved for the reason some guests weren't at my wedding was because they were burnt out from another wedding and not that they were no longer with us on earth.

I see that this woman has two joyous occasions to celebrate with two children that want her to be there and celebrate with them. Maybe complaining about the date shouldn't be the focus.

The worst thing. We pushed back our wedding from when it was originally going to be. At first we were going to do it in late summer. We were convinced to move it back and then I did manage to fall in love with the idea of doing it in the fall. I regret that though. Had we done it at the end of summer they would have both been there.

 

[design_mom]

Am I the only poster who here actaully cared about when my anniversary fell? I was married on my grandparents' anniversary. I also specially wanted a date at a time of year that was nice for travel for anniversaries and NOT in December which is always so busy with the holidays and my birthday (and as it turned out both kids' birthdays too). So moving things by two months, or six or whatever--other than by a full year, would have changed that date, which was important to me.

Did no one else see a decent change in their tax rate when tehy could do married filing jointly? Does having the option to do that for one extra year qualify as a reason for the couple to want to be married in fall of 2017 instead of sometimer in 2018?

How about health insurance? I know that I was only covered through my parents' plan until the end of the calendar year in which I graduated (this may be different now iwht new laws)--being married meant I could be on DH's plan through work.

I have no idea how considerate of the groom's mother and other guests the couple has or has not been, or how big or small of an affair the couple plan to have, or who is paying for what, or how far away any family (other than the bride's sister) is from, etc---but it seems like there are a lot of valid things to consider which many posters are not even thining baout---it is not, or shouldn't be, all about the one day party (or, in the case of some of these more extravagant events, few weeks worth of parties/showers/dinners/whatever)

Normally, I agree with you. In this case though, no... I didn't really care about when my anniversary fell. We picked our date due to convenience and could have/would have picked a different date if our date had created a big problem for someone important to us. I might not have wanted it in the dead of winter, but again, that would be for convenience reasons (weather is unpredictable), not for future anniversary travel plans or anything like that. Health insurance was a consideration, but both of us had full time jobs lined up so it wasn't a deciding factor. Tax implications didn't even occur to me at the time.

We picked our date because we thought it would be easier to plan to get married right after college graduation in case we needed to move for our jobs, etc. As it turns out, we both found local jobs and got an apartment in the city. In one month, DH and I both graduated from college (separate schools), had my birthday, father's day, a wedding/reception, honeymoon, moved in together, and started new jobs. It was crazy. In retrospect, I wouldn't recommend it, but we thought it was for the best at the time.

It's possible that the date the couple has chosen is the "best date" or has special significance to them. If that's the case then, I guess you can't please everyone all of the time. However, from the OP, it sounds like the couple is planning their date around the sister's *potential* conflicts, but when the MOG says "I've got an actual conflict that will affect my ability to participate fully" then she's labeled difficult. I didn't see the OP say anywhere that they've carefully considered the alternatives and this truly is the best date. It's more like "They picked a date and she asked them to consider changing it! The nerve!"

 

[Nancyg56]

No, not shunning. MIL thinks it's too much to handle. I can understand why she might feel that way. Could be a time issue. Could be financial. Could be it's too much emotionally. This way she can plan her daughter's wedding and then relax and enjoy her son's.

I see. I misinterpreted the way the post was phrased. I'm sorry.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Normally, I agree with you. In this case though, no... I didn't really care about when my anniversary fell. We picked our date due to convenience and could have/would have picked a different date if our date had created a big problem for someone important to us. I might not have wanted it in the dead of winter, but again, that would be for convenience reasons (weather is unpredictable), not for future anniversary travel plans or anything like that. Health insurance was a consideration, but both of us had full time jobs lined up so it wasn't a deciding factor. Tax implications didn't even occur to me at the time.

We picked our date because we thought it would be easier to plan to get married right after college graduation in case we needed to move for our jobs, etc. As it turns out, we both found local jobs and got an apartment in the city. In one month, DH and I both graduated from college (separate schools), had my birthday, father's day, a wedding/reception, honeymoon, moved in together, and started new jobs. It was crazy. In retrospect, I wouldn't recommend it, but we thought it was for the best at the time.

It's possible that the date the couple has chosen is the "best date" or has special significance to them. If that's the case then, I guess you can't please everyone all of the time. However, from the OP, it sounds like the couple is planning their date around the sister's *potential* conflicts, but when the MOG says "I've got an actual conflict that will affect my ability to participate fully" then she's labeled difficult. I didn't see the OP say anywhere that they've carefully considered the alternatives and this truly is the best date. It's more like "They picked a date and she asked them to consider changing it! The nerve!"

I don't think everyone does pick dates for particular reasons, but I find it interesting that the assumption by most seesm to be that no thought was put into the date beyond the immediate "this year" and that there might not be valid reasons for choosing to get married in one year over another (like tax or insurance reasons).

I just don't see how the mother of the bride being miffed that the mother of the groom would like the date changed tells us a thing about what the couple considered and looked at when choosing the date and when choosing to keep the date, nor does it tell us a dang thing baout how the groom handled the conversations with his own mother and how much care and consdieration he showed her.
I don't think the mother of the groom sound unreasonable for letting the couple know she'd prefer they wait a while. I just don't think the couple sounds unreasonable for putting more weight on an out of town close relative (bride's sister) availability over that of someone local and for possibly conidering other reasons why the date might be so important that those concerns (which OP might not be privvy to either) and i find it odd that so many people think it is "no big deal" to wait a few months or a year etc to be married as if it has no affect on much of anyhting other than the "party" itself

It seems to me there is a wholöe lot of middle ground between ignoring the family of the groom and having no consideration for them, and having to change the date to accomidate a sibling beign married 2 months prior no matter what other circumstances apply that most people seem to be ignoring---I stick by my assessment that likely no one is a bad person and no one is being overly inconsiderate and there are just variny needs and wants at play becuase a lot of people are involved and that can happen.

(FWIW, we also planned to be married shorty after graduation. DH found a job that started closer to graduation than we anticipated, so he had already moved out of state and travelled back just in time for the wedding 2 months later (he did tell them he needed that time off, plus the honeymoon, if they wanted him to start so soon, so that was covered). Dh graduated in December and we wer married in March but in the course of one year he graduated, moved to an apartment in another state, started a new job, got married, then I moved to the other state too and got a job there--it was the first time we lived together, we had a house built, and had a child. It was busy---but worthwhile and I wouldn'T change a thing about how we did it.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think everyone does pick dates for particular reasons, but I find it interesting that the assumption by most seesm to be that no thought was put into the date beyond the immediate "this year" and that there might not be valid reasons for choosing to get married in one year over another (like tax or insurance reasons).

I just don't see how the mother of the bride being miffed that the mother of the groom would like the date changed tells us a thing about what the couple considered and looked at when choosing the date and when choosing to keep the date, nor does it tell us a dang thing baout how the groom handled the conversations with his own mother and how much care and consdieration he showed her.
I don't think the mother of the groom sound unreasonable for letting the couple know she'd prefer they wait a while. I just don't think the couple sounds unreasonable for putting more weight on an out of town close relative (bride's sister) availability over that of someone local and for possibly conidering other reasons why the date might be so important that those concerns (which OP might not be privvy to either) and i find it odd that so many people think it is "no big deal" to wait a few months or a year etc to be married as if it has no affect on much of anyhting other than the "party" itself

It seems to me there is a wholöe lot of middle ground between ignoring the family of the groom and having no consideration for them, and having to change the date to accomidate a sibling beign married 2 months prior no matter what other circumstances apply that most people seem to be ignoring---I stick by my assessment that likely no one is a bad person and no one is being overly inconsiderate and there are just variny needs and wants at play becuase a lot of people are involved and that can happen.

(FWIW, we also planned to be married shorty after graduation. DH found a job that started closer to graduation than we anticipated, so he had already moved out of state and travelled back just in time for the wedding 2 months later (he did tell them he needed that time off, plus the honeymoon, if they wanted him to start so soon, so that was covered). Dh graduated in December and we wer married in March but in the course of one year he graduated, moved to an apartment in another state, started a new job, got married, then I moved to the other state too and got a job there--it was the first time we lived together, we had a house built, and had a child. It was busy---but worthwhile and I wouldn'T change a thing about how we did it.

I absolutely see what you're saying and I agree. What I think is incorrect on the part of the OP, and likely her daughter as well, is that the groom's mother raising any issues doesn't automatically equate to being difficult, trying to control, not caring about her son, not her business if she can't pony up sufficient cash or a lot of the other stuff that's been tossed around in this thread.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I absolutely see what you're saying and I agree. What I think is incorrect on the part of the OP, and likely her daughter as well, is that the groom's mother raising any issues doesn't automatically equate to being difficult, trying to control, not caring about her son, not her business if she can't pony up sufficient cash or a lot of the other stuff that's been tossed around in this thread.

I agree----I haven't seen anything that indicates the mother of the groom is overly demanding or out of line. I just haven't seen anything to indicate that the couple os either.
My guess is the groom's mom had some concerns, teh couple dealt with them and the bride vented to her mom a little bit an her mom is making a much bigger deal out of it than it really is in her OP and is probably also moved on by now, unlike the thread lol

At the end of the day---I bet a lot of the issue with BOTH mothers is just the emotions of the moment and hpoefully by the time the wedding rolls around everyone will be happy and enjoy the day and any year ago angst will be long since forgotten


I am constantly amazed by the amount of drama people seem to create around weddings or in laws (or both) instead of just having a bit of understanding all the way around.

 

[cabanafrau]

I
I am constantly amazed by the amount of drama people seem to create around weddings or in laws (or both) instead of just having a bit of understanding all the way around.

Weddings, so not my cup of tea. When my daughters reach the point where they are in relationships that are headed in that direction I shall be holding my breath and crossing my fingers in hopes they don't want a bunch of hoopla. I'll smile and try to graciously help with whatever they want, but I truly don't enjoy all of the ordeal.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Weddings, so not my cup of tea. When my daughters reach the point where they are in relationships that are headed in that direction I shall be holding my breath and crossing my fingers in hopes they don't want a bunch of hoopla. I'll smile and try to graciously help with whatever they want, but I truly don't enjoy all of the ordeal.

Funny! I love them---but I have only ever been to a couple of really big, expesnive, ordeals with lots of hoopla and those were the ones I didn't enjoy nearly as much.
I hoe my kids are more practical and personal about it when/if it gets to that point. To listen to them now, one will be and the other wants to do pricey things, but also very unique but as neither has ever dated anyone I am not thinking I'll be delaing with any of it any time soon lol

 

[nancygirl1]

I feel sorry for the groom's mother.

It seems like the bride and bride's family don't consider her role or feelings as important as theirs.

I think the financial point is legitimate. That is a lot of expense in a short period of time and maybe she would like to be an important role in her son's wedding.

Maybe the mother of the groom envisioned being able to contribute more financially and be a part of the wedding and planning, not just another guest.

I imagine I would feel pretty bad if I couldn't contribute to my son's wedding the same as I could my daughters'.

It always seems that is is all about the bride and the bride's family.

This woman will be a part of the bride's life for approximately the next 40 years. I hope it all works out, but if I were the groom's mother, I, too, would be very stressed out over this.

My thoughts exactly!

 

[Baklava]

Of course they can do whatever they want and apparently already decided that if they've put down their deposit. That said, while they are free to make that choice, MIL is totally reasonable to point out to her son that that choice hurts other people. If my niece and nephew got married two months apart I would have to chose which wedding not to attend, as would many of our family and it would be crushing. I would hope that was a consideration for them since family that loves and supports them is important.

 

[piccolopat]

That is way to close to each other with parents having to pay for showers and other wedding events. I would have your dd move her wedding back a year, What is the big deal you have a year longer to save and plan.

I can't disagree more. Asking the couple to wait a year is ridiculous. Parents don't have to pay for anything they don't want to or can't afford. IMHO the MIL voiced her concerns and should now step back and honor the couple's decision. She can wait until after her DD's wedding to get a dress and anything else she wants to do.

 

[piccolopat]

Plus, I can't imagine hosting a dinner party at my home the night before my son's wedding! Now that sounds like work. Heck, I had most of my kids' parties out, because it was so much easier for me - just write the check, no cleaning before or after, no cooking...

Not only did I host my mom and sister (and her dog) the day before my DD's wedding, I also hosted her two bridesmaids. Add to that the fact that DH and I were providing music at the mass as lead members of our church group. I played flute while he joined us to sing and play guitar after walking her down the aisle. Yes it was a lot but being well organized helped keep the stress down to a minimum. It can be done with the right mindset.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't think everyone does pick dates for particular reasons, but I find it interesting that the assumption by most seesm to be that no thought was put into the date beyond the immediate "this year" and that there might not be valid reasons for choosing to get married in one year over another (like tax or insurance reasons).

I just don't see how the mother of the bride being miffed that the mother of the groom would like the date changed tells us a thing about what the couple considered and looked at when choosing the date and when choosing to keep the date, nor does it tell us a dang thing baout how the groom handled the conversations with his own mother and how much care and consdieration he showed her.
I don't think the mother of the groom sound unreasonable for letting the couple know she'd prefer they wait a while. I just don't think the couple sounds unreasonable for putting more weight on an out of town close relative (bride's sister) availability over that of someone local and for possibly conidering other reasons why the date might be so important that those concerns (which OP might not be privvy to either) and i find it odd that so many people think it is "no big deal" to wait a few months or a year etc to be married as if it has no affect on much of anyhting other than the "party" itself

It seems to me there is a wholöe lot of middle ground between ignoring the family of the groom and having no consideration for them, and having to change the date to accomidate a sibling beign married 2 months prior no matter what other circumstances apply that most people seem to be ignoring---I stick by my assessment that likely no one is a bad person and no one is being overly inconsiderate and there are just variny needs and wants at play becuase a lot of people are involved and that can happen.

(FWIW, we also planned to be married shorty after graduation. DH found a job that started closer to graduation than we anticipated, so he had already moved out of state and travelled back just in time for the wedding 2 months later (he did tell them he needed that time off, plus the honeymoon, if they wanted him to start so soon, so that was covered). Dh graduated in December and we wer married in March but in the course of one year he graduated, moved to an apartment in another state, started a new job, got married, then I moved to the other state too and got a job there--it was the first time we lived together, we had a house built, and had a child. It was busy---but worthwhile and I wouldn'T change a thing about how we did it.

DW & I were married on the anniversary of our first date. We very specifically wanted a Spring wedding to avoid numerous other conflicts & it just so happened that was one of the days available on a Saturday, so we chose that day. Moving the wedding several months in either direction, or a full year to accommodate someone else (knowing for every person we accommodate, there's someone else we inconvenience in the process)? I can't even imagine it.

 

[Bluestars]

My children are all adults now. I give advice to them and offer my opinion about things. In the end, they are adults with their own lives and can make their own decisions. I will do everything to support those decisions. I give when I can and help when I can. If they made a decision that didn't work for me, I would still support it and do everything I could to stay positive so that they will always enjoy my company and I can lift them up instead of weigh them down.

The MIL has every right to feel overwhelmed and stressed. I remember helping my daughter plan her wedding. It was exhausting. One of my sons is getting married now and it's a breeze in comparison because the bride and her mother are planning a lot of it. Once the MIL's adult son made a decision that worked best for him and his fiancé, I think it was time for the MIL to let her son know what he can expect from her and then be supportive and pleasant. After all, this is going to be one of the happiest days of her son's life. That should mean something and everything else should pale in comparison.

 

[RedAngie]

Weddings, so not my cup of tea. When my daughters reach the point where they are in relationships that are headed in that direction I shall be holding my breath and crossing my fingers in hopes they don't want a bunch of hoopla. I'll smile and try to graciously help with whatever they want, but I truly don't enjoy all of the ordeal.

Both DDs, 26 and 23, have already stated that they're not interesting in having big elaborate weddings. Hopefully, when and if the time comes, they'll stick to that.

Their father, however, may have other plans. He apparently has some friends or business associates he wants to impress, so he'll gladly pay for something fancy to show off. I hope he doesn't talk DDs into it. <I> really don't want to become involved with anything elaborate.

 

[mummabear]

The parents then feel guilty they can't give as much money/time/effort to child #2

Money I understand IF they have already made commitments to the sisters wedding, but time and effort, these aren't two weddings in two months that have to get sorted, they are both over a year away, MIL has plenty of time to give equal time and effort.

Are you saying the Op suggest that her DD graciously exclude her future MIL? Decline any offer of help, tell her show up in her new dress, and avoid discussing the wedding, and if perhaps she feels badly she will rethink her position? And then what? This woman has her reasons for asking her DS to consider postponing this weeing. I do not know what they are, but I would not feel good about guilting a woman into "rethinking" her position. This is basically shunning the woman because of her circumstances, whatever they are.

Well if the MIL claims she can't give time/ effort to the son because she needs to be 100% focused on the sister she can hardly cry foul when she isn't included.

It's not that she loves her son any less. In her mind, she was going to be able to devote all of her time to her daughter's wedding & now she'll have to change her focus a bit & sees that as taking away some of the attention she would have been able to give her daughter

So she was planning on ignoring her son for a year?
No child with siblings gets all the focus from their parents for more then a very short (like a weekend or less) time if at all, that's what parents do juggle the needs of all their children, all the time. Giving them all attention.
What is it that you think she can't do for the sisters wedding (except financial) now that she also has to pay some attention to her sons big day?

But, seriously, can you NOT see how stressful it would be? Financially, emotionally, planning-wise...

Financially, yes. Although I would think someone with 2 kids of marrying age would have put some planning into that before anyone was engaged.
But emotionally and planning wise what a croc. You could easily plan 2 weddings on your own with more than a year to go without stress, let alone just being a helper.

Maybe not an entire year, but is it really so wrong of the groom's mother to feel, "I really wanted to spend this time focused on my daughter & her wedding. It's not that I don't love my son & the person he's marrying. It's just that I know my focus is going to be on my daughter's wedding - the planning & prep, the showers, the different guests at the different events, gifts... I know that my son is getting married 2 months after my daughter, so my daughter's wedding will be over. But some of the planning & prep & different events will still overlap. We'll probably be having parties & showers for my son & his fiancé the month my daughter is getting married. And it's just going to be a really busy, busy time. I didn't want to spend that time w/ my focus & attention divided. I wanted to spend that time with my attention & focus 100% devoted to my daughter. And, oh dear! What about all our family that will be invited to all these events? What do I say to them..."

Yes some planning will overlap, maybe in March you will meet a florist for DZD then in June for your DS ( oh the humanity).
I will say again, most showers and rehearsal dinners are held within a fortnight prior to the wedding,a month at very most, and besides the day after brunch and the honeymoon for the couple there is no other activity after the wedding, how are events going to overlap?

 

[mummabear]

Do you like making assumptions? Maybe the groom was consulted. Even if he wasn't, the sister and fiance might have at least thought about whether he had any big events planned around that time (like the OPs DD & fiance did for her sister).

I have no problem with the OPs DD & future SiL picking any date they want. However,
1) They can't be upset if groom's parents can't "help" (whether financially or logistically) as much as they do with the groom's sister.
2) They can't be upset if family/friends of the groom don't participate in showers or attend the wedding.
3) They can't be upset if their "gift pile" is smaller than what they are hoping.

Now, I'm guessing if someone actually said all of that to the couple they'd say "no problem". And it might not be. Or it may be but they wouldn't admit it.

The can be upset about some things, the idea that Aunts and Uncles should split the amount they can afford for a gift across 2 weddings instead of using the all on the first and telling the second well that's what you get is ridiculous.

 

[aprilgail]

I feel sorry for the groom's mother.

It seems like the bride and bride's family don't consider her role or feelings as important as theirs.

.

I agree- they pick the date around the other daughters sports game but don't care at all about the grooms family and their conflicts. I can't imagine picking my wedding day around my kid sisters sports event but totally not caring about the grooms family at all.

Weddings, so not my cup of tea. When my daughters reach the point where they are in relationships that are headed in that direction I shall be holding my breath and crossing my fingers in hopes they don't want a bunch of hoopla. I'll smile and try to graciously help with whatever they want, but I truly don't enjoy all of the ordeal.

I agree- I HATE weddings, I hope my daughter elopes!