Engagement issues already....

[rigs32]

There's no need to buy two brand new formal outfits. If I were in the MOG's shoes, I'd investigate renting. Rent the runway has many formal gowns.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

~You're not confused at all. You knew it was a typo based on the rest of my post. I've corrected it to help with your confusion.

**Actually I was confused thus why I asked. It was in direct conflict of your earlier posts so I was trying to clarify but already then..take it down the rude route. I mean heaven forbid I assume something you said.

~I'm my experience, it's not simply a stereotype, I have a large family & friends, & the groom has never voiced an adamant opinion. Your DH is definitely in the minority. For those who had a DH that wanted to get involved in the planning, lucky you.

**It is a stereotype, it also happens to be your experience which is fine. As a noun it means: "a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing" in this case the stereotype is that the bride wants what she wants, gets her way and doesn't consider nor ask the opinions/thoughts of others and that the groom does very little during the wedding process and lets the bride have exactly what she wants.

~Let's be honest. We're all assuming a lot, including you. The OP hasn't provided much information that wasn't intended to support the bride. As the MOB, that's to be expected. I'm not saying the groom said his family didn't matter. Odds are he went along with his fiance, which most of them do, & agreed to "whatever". This is from personal experience & from the fact that the MOG's opinion appears to have been ignored. Most people don't completely forget their sisters or boyfriend's sister's wedding, until they've already chosen a date & put down a deposit. Regardless, the OP states her DD put down the deposit knowing her future MIL had problems with the date.

**You are right we all are assuming, me included. Can't say much about the other things other than we'll just have to agree to disagree.

~Yes, it was a consideration of the bride to ask the sister, but the sister had no choice but to agree. The sister is doing the mature thing & saying it's okay. That doesn't mean she doesn't have a problem with it. All I get out of that exchange is that the fiance has a good sister. We can't ignore the fact that if the date had been set at a reasonable amount of time after the already planned wedding, there would be no reason to put the sister in a position where she had to say she was okay with it, whether she was or not.

**Ok so here the bride can't win. Posters say she isn't considering her groom's family at all but she did in talking with her future sister-in-law but now the issue is she didn't consider them in the "right way" aka change the date.

~We've seen evidence of people paying for their own wedding & not expecting anything from their families. We've also seen evidence of cousins or friends having close wedding. A wedding involving the same parents, with the same family spending money on both is a different story.

**That depends on the familly and the respective couples. For your family that's a no no. For other families it's not.

See above for my clarification.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

See above for my clarification.

I didn't mean to be rude in my response, but you seem to be reading this from purely a bride's perspective, which made you combative to any suggestion that the groom's family should be considered. It appears you aren't looking at things from a groom's, parent's perspective at all. If you are, I will be glad to discuss that with you.

For those who don't seem to get it, there is more to a wedding than a bride & her family. In this case, everyone seems to forget that the groom is equally important as are his parents & sister. To say the groom is supporting this is a joke, IMO. Of course, he is. He's looking for more than a wedding from his fiance. I was once a bride myself & the truth is there will never be a day in your life that's all about you, unless you choose to become a hermit & not interact with people or wildlife. New brides need to realize their actions have coincidences & life isn't all about them. The wedding is one day in their life. The marriage is hopefully forever. To me, that is enough to make it a family affair.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I didn't mean to be rude in my response, but you seem to be reading this from a purely bride perspective. which made you combative to any suggestion that the groom's family should be considered. It appears you aren't looking at things from a groom's, parent's perspective at all. If you are, I will be glad to discuss that with you.

For those who don't seem to get it, there is more to a wedding than a bride & her family. In this case, everyone seems to forget that the groom is equally important as his is parents & sister. To say the groom is supporting this completely is a joke, IMO. Of course, he is. He's looking for more than a wedding from his fiance. I was once a bride myself & the truth is there will never be a day in your life that's all about you, unless you choose to become a hermit & not interact with people or wildlife. New brides need to realize their actions have coincidences & life isn't all about them. The wedding is one day in their life. The marriage is hopefully forever. To me, that is enough to make it a family affair.

I actually can see both sides though I am more in favor of the couple not just the bride or the groom. It's not that I can't see both sides just like it's not like you can't see both sides we just have differing core viewpoints.

I've never said that there aren't valid concerns for the groom's side because there are. I've said that the bride and groom I'm sure will understand what their decisions they ultimately make have on their family but I'm not viewing that as immediately a negative.

As far as finances if the future mother-in-law said "hey guys I just can't contribute a whole lot because the wedding dates are so close" I'm treating it like the bride and groom understand that. If they didn't understand that and put pressure on the future mother-in-law to come up with the money I would not be thinking favorably of them at all.

But quite honestly for most here on this thread the only solution seems to be the bride (eta and as part of a couple the groom too) moves her date so there isn't a conflict regardless of what that conflict is. That is what I more have an issue with. It's the thought that because she didn't move the date she's selfish and inconsiderate. My viewpoint..regardless of my own wedding..has been it is the couple's wedding. Just because you don't do what X family member wants you to do for a wedding doesn't make you a bad bride/groom.

Families can absolutely have a pivotal role in a wedding but families are first and foremost at the wedding to celebrate the couple. That's why I said earlier "In the end it's not the color of the napkins, the speaches given, the gifts given, if all 150 people could make it and if they were able to find adequate accommodations and if everything went completely to plan. It's about two people deciding to be with each other."

And to be clear I'm not saying the way that other people view this situation are wrong but nor am I saying the way I'm viewing it is wrong.

ETA: I completely respect your viewpoint on the wedding day even if I don't fully agree with it just wanted to make sure that was known.

 

[mummabear]

Why should she lower her planned gift for the first wedding? If she had planned on X amount for the first sibling, that is what she should do.

If that only leaves a smaller amount for the second planned wedding, that is the consequence for the couple who planned another wedding so close after the first. Choices may have consequences for them.

The key here is the difference between committed and say planned, if you have made promises to the first wedding then sure you can't renege but if you have planned (as in thought about it but not told them or ordered something) then yes you should changed your plans to include the other child.

We have no idea what the sister and her mom have planned for the wedding yet, we don't know how long she has been planning her wedding.
But I think chances are that for a SHOWER present chances are the mother hasn't sorted it 14 months beforehand.
And if she has made a commitment to pay for the honeymoon of her daughter as a wedding oft and cannot afford to do it also for her son then yes it is reasonable to expect the "better" shower gift go to the son or they at least be equal.

The whole attitude by some is since the sister got in first that she gets "everything" and the son deserves nothing, that his mom should act like his wedding isn't also important.

The weddings are over a year away, the are still months not a couple of weeks apart, the family is local except for the brides sister.

If the MIL can't find headspace to deal with talking about flowers for 2 weddings etc then she is being dramatic. She is the one how has said its not money it's the sisters "year" so she now has to decide if it's still the sisters year or can she also deal with it being the brothers too, if you ignore finicail considerations (since we don't know any of the facts) it's not actually asking a lot. If she can't deal then she may find her relationship affected.

So, if the ILs made a promise of a gift, such as, "as our gift to you we will pay for your honeymoon, or reception, or insert whatever aspect of the wedding you want." She should renege on that promise because the brother and his fiancee decided to plan a wedding less than 2 months after the daughter's already planned wedding?

Or if the MOG promised to pay for a reception at a certain place she should now make her daughter, who already planned her reception, change it to a cheaper place because she now has to cut in half her contribution to the wedding.

No one knows that the bride and groom expect or asked the MOG to pay for anything. They may not expect a single thing from the groom's family. I just see the MOG as saying, "I wish you would wait a few months so I could contribute as much to your wedding as I have contributed to your sister's."

I don't think that she is being difficult or trying to cause problems. The OP, herself, said that the MOG is happy about the engagement. I think she was honest and brought up a legitimate concern. I think she threw in the other things about graduation and the sister having "her time" as a way to help bolster her idea and deflect from the idea that the real issue is money. People can be very sensitive about money.

See above. It may be a legitimate concern, but it is all a legitimate concern for the couple not to want to wait another 6 months to be able to live together

 

[mummabear]

There would be absolutely NO reason to renege on a promise, because I would have considered BOTH of my children before making any such promise. Because, that would be putting me in a position of having made a promise that I can not keep.

This exactly.

 

[runwad]

Seems the situation is, either the groom's family are inconvenienced by having the expense of 2 weddings close together or the Bride's sister is inconvenienced by missing a sporting event to come to her sisters wedding?

I think it was said the sister is graduating and moving on to a job. Seems to me the wedding could be closely after the sisters college graduation; if she can't miss a game, and before she starts her career. Win win for everyone.

Otherwise it's one family over the other.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I actually can see both sides though I am more in favor of the couple not just the bride or the groom. It's not that I can't see both sides just like it's not like you can't see both sides we just have differing core viewpoints.

I've never said that there aren't valid concerns for the groom's side because there are. I've said that the bride and groom I'm sure will understand what their decisions they ultimately make have on their family but I'm not viewing that as immediately a negative.

As far as finances if the future mother-in-law said "hey guys I just can't contribute a whole lot because the wedding dates are so close" I'm treating it like the bride and groom understand that. If they didn't understand that and put pressure on the future mother-in-law to come up with the money I would not be thinking favorably of them at all.

But quite honestly for most here on this thread the only solution seems to be the bride (eta and as part of a couple the groom too) moves her date so there isn't a conflict regardless of what that conflict is. That is what I more have an issue with. It's the thought that because she didn't move the date she's selfish and inconsiderate. My viewpoint..regardless of my own wedding..has been it is the couple's wedding. Just because you don't do what X family member wants you to do for a wedding doesn't make you a bad bride/groom.

Families can absolutely have a pivotal role in a wedding but families are first and foremost at the wedding to celebrate the couple. That's why I said earlier "In the end it's not the color of the napkins, the speaches given, the gifts given, if all 150 people could make it and if they were able to find adequate accommodations and if everything went completely to plan. It's about two people deciding to be with each other."

And to be clear I'm not saying the way that other people view this situation are wrong but nor am I saying the way I'm viewing it is wrong.

ETA: I completely respect your viewpoint on the wedding day even if I don't fully agree with it just wanted to make sure that was known.

I think we are in agreement in some things, but most of us think the MILs previous financial commitment to her DD is important & should not change, period. When the OP said, her DD was planning around her sister's schedule, it became even more obvious that the MOG's opinion is insignificant. It's apparent it's about the bride's family & their schedule. To me, it's a shame that the bride or her mom appear to feel this is an "engagement issue", when in fact it's an issue the bride & her fiance created. As long as the bride puts her family first (as with her sister's schedule), & doesn't consider the groom's family schedule there will be issues. It's issues the couple are creating. The future bride & groom need to take a step back & consider both families, not just hers. At this point, it's a very one sided decision. FTR, I don't know any of these people, but from what we've been told, the bride's family seem to be making the decisions that work for their family, regardless of what works for the groom's family.

 

[Jaya]

Did you know my MIL?

Did your mother-in-law refer to the bride (which would be me....) as "The ***** of Babylon" and boycott the wedding? If so, yes I did.

For the record, I've never lived in Babylon.

 

[roseaster]

The key here is the difference between committed and say planned, if you have made promises to the first wedding then sure you can't renege but if you have planned (as in thought about it but not told them or ordered something) then yes you should changed your plans to include the other child.

We have no idea what the sister and her mom have planned for the wedding yet, we don't know how long she has been planning her wedding.
But I think chances are that for a SHOWER present chances are the mother hasn't sorted it 14 months beforehand.
And if she has made a commitment to pay for the honeymoon of her daughter as a wedding oft and cannot afford to do it also for her son then yes it is reasonable to expect the "better" shower gift go to the son or they at least be equal.

The whole attitude by some is since the sister got in first that she gets "everything" and the son deserves nothing, that his mom should act like his wedding isn't also important.

The weddings are over a year away, the are still months not a couple of weeks apart, the family is local except for the brides sister.

If the MIL can't find headspace to deal with talking about flowers for 2 weddings etc then she is being dramatic. She is the one how has said its not money it's the sisters "year" so she now has to decide if it's still the sisters year or can she also deal with it being the brothers too, if you ignore finicail considerations (since we don't know any of the facts) it's not actually asking a lot. If she can't deal then she may find her relationship affected.



See above. It may be a legitimate concern, but it is all a legitimate concern for the couple not to want to wait another 6 months to be able to live together

Considering the OP's daughter, the new bride-to-be has been engaged less than 2 weeks and has picked a date, a venue, and put a deposit down on that venue, I think it would be a pretty safe bet that things are pretty much set and deposits paid for the daughter who has been engaged for a while.

Either way. This is a single mom who voiced a reasonable concern, and in the process let the couple know that she won't be able to contribute to their wedding to the extent she did her daughter's. She, obviously, isn't a DIS perfect mother who hasn't budgeted for every possible contingency in life.

Like I said before, this is an alternate universe where all children are gifted and elite athletes and all parents have bottomless savings accounts for for extras like fancy weddings and luxury vacations.

Any way around it, the MOG has warned them that she is tapped out, and can't afford a wedding so close to the other one. I would assume that she knows her own finances better than anyone else, so if she says that she can't contribute, or can't contribute as much she should be taken at her word.

Just like the couple has a reason that the wedding has to be when it is she has a reason that she can't afford the wedding when it is. She isn't being "difficult."

 

[AppleDumpling]

I hope by now the couple has told his mom that the venue is booked, and they're not still avoiding talking to her.

I get that they are adults and it's their wedding. Then they should act like adults and have the common courtesy to own their decision. They should explain their reasons while also acknowledging her feelings. Maybe together they can come up with ideas for reducing the stress.

I wonder what the groom's father thinks of the situation? Presumably, the sister getting married is his daughter too. Perhaps he would be willing to take on more responsibility, financial or otherwise, to help his son and ease the pressure on his ex.

 

[mummabear]

Considering the OP's daughter, the new bride-to-be has been engaged less than 2 weeks and has picked a date, a venue, and put a deposit down on that venue, I think it would be a pretty safe bet that things are pretty much set and deposits paid for the daughter who has been engaged for a while.

Either way. This is a single mom who voiced a reasonable concern, and in the process let the couple know that she won't be able to contribute to their wedding to the extent she did her daughter's. She, obviously, isn't a DIS perfect mother who hasn't budgeted for every possible contingency in life.

Like I said before, this is an alternate universe where all children are gifted and elite athletes and all parents have bottomless savings accounts for for extras like fancy weddings and luxury vacations.

Any way around it, the MOG has warned them that she is tapped out, and can't afford a wedding so close to the other one. I would assume that she knows her own finances better than anyone else, so if she says that she can't contribute, or can't contribute as much she should be taken at her word.

Just like the couple has a reason that the wedding has to be when it is she has a reason that she can't afford the wedding when it is. She isn't being "difficult."

Yeah, you book a venue, maybe a photographer and/or celebrant. But then you don't do anything for months.

There are so many variables to what the sister has or has not done, and what the Mother has or has not promised her.

The sister said she was DH e with it when given the opportunity to raise concerns, she didn't raise any.

I totally understand that the MIL may be committed in some ways to the sisters wedding, but this whole idea that 2017 is the sisters year and how dare they book in the same year is ridiculous.
No wedding is going for 2 months before or after the wedding, the schedules aren't conflicting, and the thought that the MIL can't help them plan (note plan not pay) because she is already busy with the sisters is silly.

I don't like the attitude that some posters have that the 2nd couple should just gets the crumbs of everything, that guests should all go to the first and only the 2nd if the can, that the guests should buy a great present for the 1st wedding and then whatever for the 2nd because it serves them right for daring to get married too.
The sister got in 1st so everything should be all about her and the son is just whatever.
If the groom always plays second fiddle to his sister it's no surprise he isn't worried about his sides opinion.
The guests are local, they have over a year to be able to plan for attending 2 weddings.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't like the attitude that some posters have that the 2nd couple should just gets the crumbs of everything, that guests should all go to the first and only the 2nd if the can, that the guests should buy a great present for the 1st wedding and then whatever for the 2nd because it serves them right for daring to get married too.
The sister got in 1st so everything should be all about her and the son is just whatever.
If the groom always plays second fiddle to his sister it's no surprise he isn't worried about his sides opinion.
The guests are local, they have over a year to be able to plan for attending 2 weddings.

I have not noticed too many people saying the groom should get the crumbs. What most of us who think that based on what has been shared, the 2nd couple has decided that they do not share the MIL concerns, and are moving forward with their plans, so they need to understand that MIL or MOG, has the right to move forward with whatever commitment she made to her DD, whose plans were already in place. If that means this couple will not get as much attention, that is their choice as adults.

When my nephew was getting married, the brides parents made it more than clear that his side was along for the ride. Every aspect of that day considered the wishes of the MOB and her family. Fine. My DSIL warned the bride that her registry was a little out of the price range of our family.....I am talking EXPENSIVE!!!! And that she might want to add a few lesser priced items. Was told NO. Okie Dokie then, you get what you get. My SIL's aunts were all elderly and on fixed incomes, they were not going to buy sets of drinking glasses tha started at $15 per glass in each set. It went down hill from there. 10 years later my DB and DDIL still are not considered unless they are needed.

If you have not had the fun experience of a DIL who has decided that her brand new MIL and her new DH husband's family is a gnat in her ointment, you may be in for a very special treat. All most of us have pointed out is that when a MOB comes here to complain that the new MIL has issues with a wedding date, the bride has worked around her sister, and then cannot read between the lines that MOG is upset about two weddings two months apart, well.....there is more to the story.

So...if these circumstances happened in my family, I would not give crumbs to my son, but as I have explained to all of my childen, I am not obligated to do a blessed thing after they are adults, I will do what I can, but if I have already commited a sum to one child, and that includes events leading up to that event, then I am not going to renege. If that means my financial or physical support will not be the same because another child voluntarily makes plans, so be it. I love all of my children and I try to do the right thing for all of them. I do not let any one of them coerce me into changing my commitments to meet a want.

Now all bets would be off if this was not a voluntary event. If there was an emergency for one of them, I would respond differently.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I cannot find it now, but someone mentioned there being examples of cousins married at times that were not that far apart, but not of siblings. I thought I mentioned my in laws upthread, but maybe not:

So I looked up anniversaries---and my husband's oldest sister got married the last weekend in May, his brother got married the same summer, first weekend in August. There were 10 weeks between weddings.
They were the first two weddings of the generation in DH's large, extended family (and after that there were 2-4 a year for nearly a decade).

The brother and his wife were living in another state but came "home" for their August wedding, the sister and her husband already lived locally and also got married locally. So both weddings were in the same area.
Sister and husband had a huge event in May---party with live band until 4:00 a.m.--the works

Brother and wife had certain things they cared about and planned (including inviting a pretty large group of friends and family) and said they were happy to leave it at that, but if the families wanted a more upscale event (they did) it was fine too so long as they (the couple) did not have to plan that from afar--leave in their things and add what was wanted.

I don't recall how it happened, but mother in law took me up on the offer to help with a lot of that planning (the girlfriend of the youngest brother lol) --I had a blast and really got to know my mother in law well--I have fabulous memories of helping her plan DH's brother's wedding

I was therefore around a LOT and involved in tons of wedding conversations. I recall exactly ONE significant thing that had to do with both weddings falling so close together: Sister (first wedding) wanted all of the groomsmen and both fathers in vintage cream coloured tux jackets. Those had to be bought, not rented, and it was tough finding ones big enough to fit her tall brothers (espeically my DH who is 6'5" and broad shouldered)--but we managed.

Brother had not said what he wanted for the men at his wedding, so my mother in law suggested that, since tuxes were being bought anyway, and both couples liked vintage look items, perhaps the cream would work for them as well? The whole family is practical and budget minded so in the end DH's brother wore a black tux in his own wedding, but the groomsmen did wear the vintage ones (there were just two, DH who was in both weddings, and a friend of the brother who was similar in size and wore brother's tux from the first wedding). The dad's then also wore cream, with the father of the bride borrwing the first groom's wedding jacket. (DH's dad wore his jacket again at our wedding a couple of years later, and my dad borrowed DBiL's -- we make good use out of things in this family!).

That's it! That is the only mention I even recall of any sort of issue at all with two weddings in one summer, beyond some light hearted joking about "now it begins--the kids are all grown up" etc.

Do all families need to be able to react this way? No! But, clearly it IS possible for siblings to get married close together and it not to be some huge big inconvience to anyone, or some big slight to one or the other side of the family or whatever else some poeple here seem to want to make it out to always be.

 

[phorsenuf]

<snip>

I cannot find it now, but someone mentioned there being examples of cousins married at times that were not that far apart, but not of siblings. I thought I mentioed my in laws upthread, but maybe not:

I posted about it way back on page 7 or something.

I kind of get where the MIL is coming from from a guests prospective. I live in Florida and flew up to NH in May to attend my niece's wedding that was taking place in MA. It was not cheap. Plane fare, hotel, rental car, wedding presents, new clothes, eating out, etc. It really adds up. I'm fortunate enough to bring my work with me, but not my husband so he didn't attend. In less then 2 weeks, I am doing it all again for my nephews wedding. This time my husband is attending so multiply the cost by 2. I'm not going to lie, it is a bit of a hardship, but missing the weddings are not an option, at least for me. If you are Italian (or Jewish) you know what I mean. And this wedding is taking place in Long Island too, so...

So between the outlay of thousands of dollars, plus using up vacation time, travelling, etc. I can understand what the MIL meant by financial considerations. She may not have necessarily been talking about just herself.

With all that said, it is up to the bride and groom and they should do what they want to do. If the guests feel it's not a hardship to attend both in such a short amount of time then that's great, but if they can only do one, then they will have to accept that and have no hard feelings that some guests attending the SIL's wedding but not theirs.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Picture this as a Dis thread:

Engagement Issues Already

My DD is getting married in September of 2017. Her and her fiancé were engaged right after graduation and have been saving and planning this wedding for months. We committed to a set amount of money and plans and deposits have been made based on that amount.

Younger DS is set to finish his education in December of 2017. He has a serious GF. We expected them to become engaged at Christmas of 2017 with a wedding late in 2018. That would give us over a year to recoup mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially so we can be ready to help them with whatever they need and provide the same financial help we gave out daughter.

Plans have changed and DS and fiancé now want to be married in November of 2017. While we are happy about the engagement, we are not happy about the timeline. They blindsided my daughter and asked if she minded they were so closed. DD felt put on the spot and said she did not care.

I talked to the newly engaged couple and told them how it would be much better for us if they could put it off at least a few months. I did not want to tell them how hard it would be on us financially, but I pointed out that I had concerns about DS and his studies as well as not being able to give them the same level of commitment that I had already promised DD. They refused my request which is their perogative.

I later found out they did not want to move the wedding back as the bride’s sister plays a college sport and every minute of her time from January thru May was committed to that sport. The same sister was graduating the following May and might not get a job in the same town. The wedding had to take place in November as that was the most convenient for the sister of the bride.

Yes, we should have planned better and assumed our two kids might get married back to back. Yes, my son’s studies are his concerns and he needs to manage the situation. Yes, I will be supportive of this decision and do anything they ask of me with a smile on my face. Yes, we will pull money out of our retirement savings so we can give the DS the same amount at DD.

I am just scared as this woman does not care about the feelings of DH and me at all. Her family is much more important. I am worried about my future relationship with my son and his new family. I worry that her family will always come first. Just venting and praying it will all work out ok.

 

[usd2bmd]

I can see both sides. They've decided when they want to get married and are excited to plan the event. But I can also see the mother's side of things. Paying for a wedding (or even helping) is no cheap task today, so to be worried about paying for two within a two month time frame can be a daunting task. Yes it is their wedding but if someone else is helping to pay, their thoughts should really also be taken into consideration when determining a date.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

The MIL shouldn't have to shortchange her DD, because her DS decides he wants to get married a couple months after his sister's previously planned wedding. To me, if anyone gets shortchanged, it should be couple #2.

IMO, the sister should not have to suffer the consequences of her brother's decision. Everyone should go to the first wedding as planned & go to the second wedding, if it's convenient. They should also give to the sister as planned, & give what they can to the brother. Couple #2 chose a time that works for the bride's family not the grooms, which is their prerogative. That decision has consequences that they should accept without hard feelings. It's a decision they made.

Exactly. If one of my children decided to get married and I told child #1 I was giving them X amount of dollars for their wedding I'm not backing out because child #2 decides to get married 2 months after. Child #2 will get what I can afford, which may be nothing or very very little.

I have a friend who's DD just got engaged. The brides parents have a destination wedding to attend for a close friend (same wedding we are attending) in 2017. They already put in their RSVP. Their DD wants to get married in 2017. They told her if she gets married in 2017 they can't help her financially. If she wants their help it has to be 2018. Well the DD moved it to 2018.

 

[okeydokey]

Yeah, you book a venue, maybe a photographer and/or celebrant. But then you don't do anything for months.

There are so many variables to what the sister has or has not done, and what the Mother has or has not promised her.

The sister said she was DH e with it when given the opportunity to raise concerns, she didn't raise any.

I totally understand that the MIL may be committed in some ways to the sisters wedding, but this whole idea that 2017 is the sisters year and how dare they book in the same year is ridiculous.
No wedding is going for 2 months before or after the wedding, the schedules aren't conflicting, and the thought that the MIL can't help them plan (note plan not pay) because she is already busy with the sisters is silly.

I don't like the attitude that some posters have that the 2nd couple should just gets the crumbs of everything, that guests should all go to the first and only the 2nd if the can, that the guests should buy a great present for the 1st wedding and then whatever for the 2nd because it serves them right for daring to get married too.
The sister got in 1st so everything should be all about her and the son is just whatever.
If the groom always plays second fiddle to his sister it's no surprise he isn't worried about his sides opinion.
The guests are local, they have over a year to be able to plan for attending 2 weddings.

The second couple made the decision to have a wedding on the heels of the first. They have been told that this is a financial hardship on the family. They have every right to go ahead and have the wedding when they want. However, they need to accept the fact that they will receive less financial support than the first planned wedding. The first planned wedding should not be changed in any way to accomodate the second. They are grown ups and I assume they know this, and don't care.

 

[cabanafrau]

I can see both sides. They've decided when they want to get married and are excited to plan the event. But I can also see the mother's side of things. Paying for a wedding (or even helping) is no cheap task today, so to be worried about paying for two within a two month time frame can be a daunting task. Yes it is their wedding but if someone else is helping to pay, their thoughts should really also be taken into consideration when determining a date.

I agree with you. I will add the caveat that I think it's important to not absolutely dismiss the input of a close loved one simply because they're not footing some of the bill, as if somehow they matter less because they're not bringing $$ to the table to make it clear why their wish should be considered.