Ending a marriage (long overdue update #55)

[Renesmee]

I am going to talk with my husband this weekend, and do just that. We've been together for 14 years, married for 11 and not once, ever has he told me he loves me. We don't kiss or hug, and the only time he touches me is during sex. I've been thinking about this for years, but I didn't want my kids to come from a broken home, so I have made the best of our oh-hum existance. A few months ago, after talking to some friends, and realizing how miserable I am, I have decided that the kids might be better off if we went our seperate ways. They will still have a mom and dad that love them, we just won't be living together.

I just hope I can find the nerve to tell him how I am feeling. I have been wanting to for weeks, but whenever we have the opportunity, i.e, the kids are not around, I clam up, and chicken out.

I used to be an outgoing person, who sang and danced, and watched stand up comedy and laughed until I cried. When I am around him, there is no real laughter. He doesn't really laugh at my jokes...he has a twisted sense of humor, where he will laugh is butt off at someone getting hurt, like on AFV, but tell him a funny joke, and he wants to know what's so funny. The biggest thing, though, is he is very negative with the kids. He says he is joking, when he put them down, but THEY don't know that. My oldest has Asperger's and when my husband gets frustrated with him, he will say "What's his problem?" OMG!! He does have a problem, we all know that and he can't help how he is. It just makes me so mad.

I'm nervous he will be hurt, but why? I know he doesn't really love me. he may "love me" for being the mother to his children, but I truly believe he has never been "in love" with me. My biggest concern though, is the in-laws, and what they will think of me. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but I have always been a person that has to make sure everyone around her is happy, regardless of whether or not I am myself.

Just looking for support. I know this is what needs to be done, but taking that first step is just so hard.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I could have written this 20 years ago! I too had been married 14 years, now I've been divorced for 20 years.

Remember that your children absorb the concept of what a marriage should be by watching you and your husband. Is this what you want for them?

I was able to be a better mother to my children once we were divorced.

What has been hard is that I have ended up alone. I had hoped I would find someone else but I haven't. Still, I don't regret leaving for a second.

Teresa

 

[wdwmom2]

I am going to talk with my husband this weekend, and do just that. We've been together for 14 years, married for 11 and not once, ever has he told me he loves me. We don't kiss or hug, and the only time he touches me is during sex. I've been thinking about this for years, but I didn't want my kids to come from a broken home, so I have made the best of our oh-hum existance. A few months ago, after talking to some friends, and realizing how miserable I am, I have decided that the kids might be better off if we went our seperate ways. They will still have a mom and dad that love them, we just won't be living together.

I just hope I can find the nerve to tell him how I am feeling. I have been wanting to for weeks, but whenever we have the opportunity, i.e, the kids are not around, I clam up, and chicken out.

I used to be an outgoing person, who sang and danced, and watched stand up comedy and laughed until I cried. When I am around him, there is no real laughter. He doesn't really laugh at my jokes...he has a twisted sense of humor, where he will laugh is butt off at someone getting hurt, like on AFV, but tell him a funny joke, and he wants to know what's so funny. The biggest thing, though, is he is very negative with the kids. He says he is joking, when he put them down, but THEY don't know that. My oldest has Asperger's and when my husband gets frustrated with him, he will say "What's his problem?" OMG!! He does have a problem, we all know that and he can't help how he is. It just makes me so mad.

I'm nervous he will be hurt, but why? I know he doesn't really love me. he may "love me" for being the mother to his children, but I truly believe he has never been "in love" with me. My biggest concern though, is the in-laws, and what they will think of me. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but I have always been a person that has to make sure everyone around her is happy, regardless of whether or not I am myself.

Just looking for support. I know this is what needs to be done, but taking that first step is just so hard.

May I ask what attracted you to him in the first place? I would never marry a man that has never expressed their love for me. And for the negativity with the children, I would have a BIG problem with that!!!

 

[Renesmee]

Thank you Theresa.

The kids absorbing what goes on around them was what my friend was explaining to me, once I finally shared with her what was going on. I grew up with a mom and dad that did not share the same bedroom. I thought that was normal. I would sleep oer friend's house and think it was weird that the parents shared a bed. We share a bed still, but my kids have never seen us cuddle, hug or even kiss.

I'm sorry you have ended up alone, but honestly, I want to just live my life for myself and my kids. I don't know if I'll ever get married again, but I won't say never. I just can't imagine anyone ever loving me. I've never had it, and been living so long without it, I think it would freak me out.

 

[VAN]

Would you consider counseling? I think it is important that you communicate your feelings to your husband, but at the same time, consider counseling if he is willing.

Based on the little you have said, it looks like you both have issues where a good counselor could help.

Be strong.

 

[Renesmee]

May I ask what attracted you to him in the first place? I would never marry a man that has never expressed their love for me. And for the negativity with the children, I would have a BIG problem with that!!!

It was a whirlwind romance, one that ended up with me being pregnant two months after we met. I offered him the door, but he did the 'right" thing by me. He moved in with me when the baby was 3 months old, and a year later when I found out I was pregnant a second time, I decided I wasn't going to be someone who just lived with a guy and had babies. I told him we could get married or he could move along...his response after thinking about oit for a few minutes was "I guess we'll get married."

I was young and having babies, and I thought I loved him. I guess it was enough for me to just have him there, and I wasn't having to raise the babies on my own.

Oh and I do have a HUGE problem with his negativity around the kids, and I go off on him about it all the time. I have no problem "telling" on him either, when we go to my son's psychologist appointments. He has gotten better, but not enough in my opinion. The thing I worry about if we seperate, is I won't be there to stop him from saying negative things to the kids like I am now.

 

[Renesmee]

Would you consider counseling? I think it is important that you communicate your feelings to your husband, but at the same time, consider counseling if he is willing.

Based on the little you have said, it looks like you both have issues where a good counselor could help.

Be strong.

I guess the best I can do is tell him what I am thinking, and go from there. If he wants to try counseling, I am not going to turn it down. The only problem I see with it, is he is someone that will never take responsibilty for anything. Nothing is ever his fault. So we go to a counselor, and I am sure all of our problems are because of me. Also, counseling may help a couple that was once in love, and need to find there way back, but what about a couple that never had it to begin with?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just can't imagine anyone ever loving me. I've never had it

IMO this is a very telling statement, and it would behoove you to seek counseling to delve into it more, as feelings like this affect one's life in many ways. Do it for you.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

I have no advice. You sound very sad. I hope you find joy for both yourself and your children.

 

[Sparx]

you are worth loving, i promise. and i promise that someone will love you, but you have to love yourself first. but you can't allow someone to treat you this way. you have to know that you deserve the best, and you will find it.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, First of all,

You say you have a child with Asperger's? My youngest DS was diagnosed with it. One of the things I learned is that it is hereditary. I'm convinced my older brother had it (died in 1985) but back then information wasn't as available as it is now.

The reason for me bringing it up is that maybe your husband has it and it was never diagnosed. If he does have it he could love you very much but is unable to express it, verbally.

Before giving up, sit down with him and have a talk about how you're feeling. See where he's at. Is counselling something you and he would consider?

TC

 

[Randi]

I went through the same thing as you 35 yrs ago. Same situation except I was fortunate to have the best childhood with parents & grandparents who loved me and each other very much so I knew what I was missing.

My ex & I had 2 sons who eventually were diagnosed with a rare genertic condition. As I was determined to give them a great childhood not knowing how long they would have, I did my best to bring laughter & lightness into our home. But, every time my ex was in the house, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He had no sense of humor, no interests beyond his own. etc.

I finally took the plunge & opted out after my oldest son was so happy when he heard his father would not be coming home for dinner one night. Here I had been hanging on for their sake, but they weren't happy either.

Long story short, we did just fine. I never dated, didn't want to or have time to, enjoyed my sons & the times we had together, & took care of them throughout their final illnesses. I am alone now, but I don't regret any decisions I made and it's been a good life for me. I am now looking forward to retirement next year.

My sons father only saw them a few times during the first couple of years, & then that stopped. So I never had that to contend with. My oldest was smart enough to handle any issues with him & to intercede for his brother when they did see him.

My best wishes to you whatever you decide. You and your children deserve a better life.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

I am going to talk with my husband this weekend, and do just that. We've been together for 14 years, married for 11 and not once, ever has he told me he loves me.

I am so sorry, that must be terribly lonely. It sounds like you will be doing what would be the best thing for you and your children.

 

[JESW]

So sorry that you are going through this. I also wonder if your dh is an Aspie since your son is. I speak from experience as my ds14 is an Apsie and I believe that my dh, an engineer, is one also. We have been married 22 years and have gone through MANY ups and downs since it is so hard for him to express things. I have accepted what/who he is and have accepted our relationship the way it is, altho sometimes it is very hard. Fortunately, dh is good about telling me he loves me and showing that - but that came after MANY years of trying to talk with him about it.

Jill

 

[L107ANGEL]

you are worth loving, i promise. and i promise that someone will love you, but you have to love yourself first. but you can't allow someone to treat you this way. you have to know that you deserve the best, and you will find it.

Read this over and over again!! I am sorry for your situtation

 

[LuvOrlando]

This is so sad to read. I always wondered what happened to all the Autistic range kids that were walking around when we were kids... maybe they just made do the best they could and maybe JESW is right and your DH is on he spectrum like your son. I don't know if it would change things for you or even if your DH would be willing to be tested but knowing might make a difference in how you feel about yourself. Right now it sounds like you feel unlovable because you haven't experienced love like they show in the movies. It is possible that changing perspective on the situation might help.

I think we are all hard wired by the families we come from and although we can make some changes we can't change the basic undercurrents that we recognize as safe and familiar, even when they are anything but safe or healthy. At best we can make peace with ourselves over these things, square off and go against them but we'll never be able to fully shed them IMO. I think therapy would be very helpful, you need an ally.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[Stitchfans]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine the pain of not feeling loved, that has to be horrible. One thing to keep in mind though is I bet your children love you. Wrap yourself around them for now, and think about them. This really isn't a good environment for them or for you.

I have no doubt there is someone out there who can and will treat you better and show you the love you need and deserve. If you discuss the problems with your husband and get no response it is time to move on. JMO.

Hope it all works out for you and you find happiness.

 

[manning]

Hope everything works out. Just don't think life is over if you two split. My BIL and is wife were married for 40 years and were not really happy.

One day he decided not to be married anymore and they got a divorce a year later. Best thing that happened to them. They both found someone else that made life better for them. They now have laughter in their lives again.

 

[jaycat]

 

[disneyelaine]

When I first read your post & how he does not say I love you, and the part about the jokes he finds funny, I thought Aspie! Then reading on that your son is an Aspie, well some things are making sense.
First off, I bet he is going to be very confused about the showing emotions thing, when you have your divorce talk. I mean especially if you seemed ok with it for 14 yrs. Secondly, the negativity thing. Sounds like he is depressed. Maybe he would explore some medication?

Just curious, when you'd tell him you loved him, (even way back when) what was his response? I have an aspie son and when I say that to him, I get no response. But then I say, what do you say back? And he will say, ok, I love you too, even if it is reluctantly.

I wish you well.