DS struggling at college- need advice

[Patio]

Just wanted to let all of you know that I had my DS read all of your responses. He also met with counseling services on Thursday and was still 100% certain, he wanted to come home. DH picked him up and brought him home, the 1st words out of his mouth were, "I'm so happy to be home." That evening he went for wings with a friend, who is a high school senior, and they talked about things, bear in mind, he discussed this with anyone he could think of. Anyway, when he got home, he said he was confused and still didn't know what to do. I told him the decision was his, and only his, to make. He didn't have any class on Friday so if he did want to go back he could, he hadn't notified the school yet of his decision. On Friday, I got home from work and he said that he was 100% certain staying at school was the way to go. He then received an email fropm a professor who was wondering if he was okay. He emailed back and told her how he was struggling, with being away and with the schoolwork. She thanked him for his honesty and promised to help him any way she could. We were both very impressed! So, I'm happy to report that he will be back on campus by Monday. I can't thank all of you enough for all of your responses, they were certainly very helpful. One thing I didn't mention is that his 1st night at school, he had his IPhone stolen out of his hand from behind while he was using it. I can't believe the 360 degree change in his mindset, but, I am very happy with his decision to go back. By the way, the college he attends is Temple University.

 

[carrie1626]

OP, it sounds from your post as if your DS is a freshman who just started college this year. If so, I have three pieces of advice:

1. There is absolutely no reason on God's green earth that he has to be thinking about a major now. If it was second semester of his junior year, then this would be a different story, but not for a first semester freshman. The only thing that picking a major this early can do is screw you up when (not if, in my experience for most college students it's a when) you change it later. I can count on one hand the people I know who picked a major that early and stuck with it, and half of those people only stuck it out because they felt they had to.

2. A lot of freshmen find the first semester hard. I didn't, but I knew a lot of people who did. My dorm room was a bit of a haven for all my friends who were struggling with issues similar to your son's. A lot of us get to college not knowing how to study or balance our time, because we've never had to do those things before. Most of us pick it up before the end of the first year. It just takes a little getting used to.

3. Extra-curriculars. College is not about academics. Yes, I know that's counter-intuitive. It is also, obviously, about academics. But in my estimation the most important aspect is about finding out who you are and who your friends are now that you're an adult. It's about finding out that the people you thought would always be your friends in high school are on a slow spiraling path towards Facebook acquaintances. If it really were only about getting a good paying job, then everyone would be best served by starting work right out of high school (perhaps combining that with community college). We send our children away to school so that they learn to function outside their comfort zone, so that they meet people outside their social circle, and so that they try something totally new. Suggest that he involve himself in something (anything) outside classes. Heck, if I were an incoming freshman these days I would totally join the local quidditch team! As it was, I chose to try fencing. It was a decision that changed my life and shaped pretty much everything about me today.

DITTO Very, very good advice.

 

[carrie1626]

Just wanted to let all of you know that I had my DS read all of your responses. He also met with counseling services on Thursday and was still 100% certain, he wanted to come home. DH picked him up and brought him home, the 1st words out of his mouth were, "I'm so happy to be home." That evening he went for wings with a friend, who is a high school senior, and they talked about things, bear in mind, he discussed this with anyone he could think of. Anyway, when he got home, he said he was confused and still didn't know what to do. I told him the decision was his, and only his, to make. He didn't have any class on Friday so if he did want to go back he could, he hadn't notified the school yet of his decision. On Friday, I got home from work and he said that he was 100% certain staying at school was the way to go. He then received an email fropm a professor who was wondering if he was okay. He emailed back and told her how he was struggling, with being away and with the schoolwork. She thanked him for his honesty and promised to help him any way she could. We were both very impressed! So, I'm happy to report that he will be back on campus by Monday. I can't thank all of you enough for all of your responses, they were certainly very helpful. One thing I didn't mention is that his 1st night at school, he had his IPhone stolen out of his hand from behind while he was using it. I can't believe the 360 degree change in his mindset, but, I am very happy with his decision to go back. By the way, the college he attends is Temple University.

This might have been BIG LIFE Lesson #1- don't give up too easily. I'm really happy to hear he returned.

BEST WISHES to your Son and you too. The transformation of HS to College is an adjustment for the entire family.

 

[kacaju]

Great news!!

 

[padams]

 

[Buckalew11]

Aww... I missed all this this week. Sorry he's had a hard time adjusting and glad to hear he's decided to stick it out.

Sounds like the fact that he wanted to leave and your DH went and got him also gave him a sense of control over the situation and maybe knowing he has the choice will help him stay.

DD's college is small (like 1100 kids) so they tend to be quite close knit. She chose to room with someone she did not know, someone from NC and not from here. They get along but are not best buddies and DD seems happy with that.

DD was homeschooled throughout HS. She was a student athletic trainer for a local HS so had limited activity with those kids. She has been so funny since starting college, "Mom, I know so many people! I have made so many friends." My heart melts just hearing this because I know she felt alone throughout HS even though it was her choice to homeschool.

One of the sweet girls that toured us through the college during a visit was someone who was miserable and wanted to go back to her home in AL. She said she hated it here, begged to go home but her parents thought she needed to give it more time. She said,"Now I love it so much, I'm giving tours and trying to sell this place to other kids who visit!"

Talking to people really helps. DH went to this same college and found classes hard and he said he did not know how to study either. He coasted through HS and was Mr. Everything in HS--then he became a small fish in a small pond--college was really a struggle in many ways (+ he was a party person) and he went through several times of wanting to quit but stayed and graduated.

If my child was miserable, hated it, deeply depressed and I was worried about their mental state, yes, I'd definitely let him come home. But if it was more about adjusting and doing new things and meeting new people, I'd really want him to tough it out. Often, when HS buddies room together, it isn't what they think it is going to be after all. Hopefully he will meet someone who is a better fit for him during this year.

Good luck to him!! And tell him to keep the lines of communication open with professors, RAs etc. There are people on that campus whose job is to help keep you there. I have a client who does this at UT and she is excellent and sincerely cares about every student she comes in contact with.

 

[punkin]

...so happy to see the update. Maybe he just needed a weekend at home. My DD19 seems really homesick this year (Junior) for some reason. DH and I (and DD13) are going to visit her next weekend since she can't come home. Hang in there.

 

[Swan4Me]

Great news OP!
Really crummy about the IPhone-some rotten kids/young adults out there

 

[StephMK]

I'm glad he decided to stick out. Did he ever say what changed his mind? I know after DD started, she came home soon after and was able to decompress from all the action and newness. I think just getting away let her catch her breath and process.

Hopefully your DS will go back with a new outlook and find reasons why he chose his school. I agree w/the others, getting involved will really help him adjust. Once DD started doing things, she loved it. Good luck to all of you! I know it's stressful as a parent to have them struggle.