DS caught making fun of SE student :(

[ilandrazdsw]

i everyone! Thank you all SOOOOOOO much for your responses! They have helped tremendously. And thank you for your kind words, too.

SO -- DH and I sat with DS to ask him what happened. He said that he was making faces to everyone to make everyone laugh. And he says he was trying to play tag. He seemed genuinely confused. I think there's a combination of things going on. I know that he's said he doesn't like the SE kids before in the past but couldn't say why. I used this opportunity to tell him that when I was little, I used to be a little nervous around SE kids because I didn't know how to talk to them or play with them, and his eyes got wide and he said, "that's how I feel!" So we told him that SE kids are like all the other kids - they want to be played with nicely and spoken to nicely. I reminded him about the 8 yo across the street who sometimes plays to roughly, which DS doesn't like, and I said that maybe that's how the other child felt yesterday.

We explained to him that what he was doing could have made the other child sad, and that we all have feelings. They do have recess together, so I told him that his job today was to ask him to play and to play nicely. I let his teacher know that, as well. I'm going into the classroom this afternoon, so I check up on that! I sent a note with him to pass on to the other mom, letting her know what we discussed. If he does it again, I'll involve the guidance counselor and set up a meeting.

So, I'm cutting him a little slack this time. He knows how disappointed I am, (and his teacher, too) and I wonder about perceptions (whether he was just playing or not).

Thanks again for your input! The folks on this board are always so helpful!!

I have two more questions for those parents with special needs kids -- DS asked why a certain boy (with down's) looked and talked the way he does. I said that he was born that way and we are all born with differences. He didn't like that answer. What would you, as a parent, say? He also asked why they are "special". I said it was because they got an extra kiss from God before they were born. What would your answer be?

Great way to handle the situation. I can totally believe that it was all a misunderstanding. And if it was a situation of teasing, never discipline him for teasing a special needs child...discipline him because he teased a child, any child.

It can be difficult to answer questions when it comes to areas in special needs. I am a special ed teacher and have to answer questions from typica & special needs students (and parents) about students (in general), disabilities, physical features, and behaviors. Just be honest, like you were. Let your DS know it is ok to ask questions and realize differences, but also emphasize that under the physical features and varying abilities is a child who likes to play and just be a child. The best thing you can do is just to keep encouraging him to be a nice kid to everyone...his actions can sever as a role model to other students (special needs and typical).

I do have a question about the school setup (just out of curiosity)...are the special needs students more integrated in general education classes or are they seperate special education classes that share common times like recess and lunch?

My DS is almost 6 and DD is almost 4. Monday we went to a special needs school for students that need more intensive instruction than a typical school cna offer and they made comments...about how cool the kids special bikes were. My DD was disappointed because none of the kids would play with her (because they were all in class). DS wants to go to this school because it has a pool, ball pits, swings, bikes in the halls, etc (all for therapy). They have never really been around special/physical needs children before, so I didn't know what to expect. We did get a few questions like why did they need to cool bikes and such. If I could identify the disability I explained it to them, but in the end it is that God creates everyone differently and it is how that child was created.

 

[Schmeck]

I've always told my own children and my students that everyone is different - we all have things we are good at and things we have trouble doing. Then I give them an example of something they are good at and something they struggle with.

I would never tell my kids that a child with Down's Syndrome "got an extra kiss from God". Down's Syndrome can involve a lot of serious medical issues, and I wouldn't want my child thinking God's kiss would make someone have to suffer through numerous operations, and even a shorter life expectancy. God's extra kiss would be a scary thing at that point, and as a small child I wouldn't want one!

 

[Princess-in-Training]

I would never tell my kids that a child with Down's Syndrome "got an extra kiss from God". Down's Syndrome can involve a lot of serious medical issues, and I wouldn't want my child thinking God's kiss would make someone have to suffer through numerous operations, and even a shorter life expectancy. God's extra kiss would be a scary thing at that point, and as a small child I wouldn't want one!

True - I didn't see it that way - thanks! I was reffering to the only the word "special" - but I didn't realize he could construe it as that's the cause of the medical issues. Does that make sense? I think I was having a stupid, glurgy moment. Thank you!

 

[AshtonsMom99]

I was a special needs child in school, I got teased non stop, at thee time I don't think any of the other parents knew what their children were doing to myself and others, Kudos to you for responding the way you havre, I wish more parent did the same...

As far as punishment, I am not sure I would punish him, but I would talk to him about the differences in people and how if we were all the same how incredibly boring it be, although if all men looked like Brad Pitt, i'm not sure it would be all that boring...

 

[roscoepc1]

i everyone! Thank you all SOOOOOOO much for your responses! They have helped tremendously. And thank you for your kind words, too.

SO -- DH and I sat with DS to ask him what happened. He said that he was making faces to everyone to make everyone laugh. And he says he was trying to play tag. He seemed genuinely confused. I think there's a combination of things going on. I know that he's said he doesn't like the SE kids before in the past but couldn't say why. I used this opportunity to tell him that when I was little, I used to be a little nervous around SE kids because I didn't know how to talk to them or play with them, and his eyes got wide and he said, "that's how I feel!" So we told him that SE kids are like all the other kids - they want to be played with nicely and spoken to nicely. I reminded him about the 8 yo across the street who sometimes plays to roughly, which DS doesn't like, and I said that maybe that's how the other child felt yesterday.

We explained to him that what he was doing could have made the other child sad, and that we all have feelings. They do have recess together, so I told him that his job today was to ask him to play and to play nicely. I let his teacher know that, as well. I'm going into the classroom this afternoon, so I check up on that! I sent a note with him to pass on to the other mom, letting her know what we discussed. If he does it again, I'll involve the guidance counselor and set up a meeting.

So, I'm cutting him a little slack this time. He knows how disappointed I am, (and his teacher, too) and I wonder about perceptions (whether he was just playing or not).

Thanks again for your input! The folks on this board are always so helpful!!

I have two more questions for those parents with special needs kids -- DS asked why a certain boy (with down's) looked and talked the way he does. I said that he was born that way and we are all born with differences. He didn't like that answer. What would you, as a parent, say? He also asked why they are "special". I said it was because they got an extra kiss from God before they were born. What would your answer be?

God bless you! THANK YOU for being such an awesome parent!

My son passed away last August, but he had severe physical disabilities...CP, with quadriplegia, G-tube fed, non-verbal etc. He LOVED being around other kids though! I was blessed enough to have him schooled in a small, old-fashioned country school where the kids were awesome! But there were often questions asked.

I can honestly say I NEVER minded questions. NEVER! What I hated was staring and whispering. I would often ask a starer/whisperer if there were any questions they'd like to ask, often with good results.

If they asked about his wheelchair, I would explain that our brain is what makes our legs, arms, whatever work, and James' brain got hurt before he was born- in the part that told that body part how to work.

If they asked about his g-tube, I'd tell them his "swallower" got broken (for little kids, lol), so he got his food put right into his tummy and it didn't hurt!

I'd also explain that while he couldn't talk, he could still hear and understand them, and he still had feelings just like them. I'd also often tell them he made an AWESOME friend, b/c he kept secrets better than anyone!

 

[Leajess99]

I am confused about the whole age thing?

Most kids here are 6.5 and in K. We have a cut off and there is nothing that can be done about it. DS's bday is December 27th so I would consider him 6.5 and he is in K. He is actually one of the youngest in the class and only 1 could have actually started the year before.

In my DD's class the kids range from 5 (Late September Birthday) to 7. Most of the kids turned 6 during the school year with a couple of exceptions. Now my daughter turned 6 in Jan so she was 5.5 when she started. My 11 year old DD was actually 5 years and 3 months when she started and has always been one of the youngest in her class but age does not alway mean a thing as she is a very bright child.

 

[princessmom29]

Just answer with the truth. Seriously.

I know people will think I'm crazy, but when my DD asks a question like that she gets a factual, scientific answer. Kids are really receptive to that and they are capable of understanding a lot more than adults give them credit for.

I would just give a basic explanation about how chromosomes work and what happens when one of them is damaged or missing.

By the way, If you don't know the answer, it's a great opportunity to research the answer together. Google is your friend.

I am glad to hear someone else say this!!! My mom thinks I am nuts for doing this with my DD. She wants to know how plants grow, I give her a basic lesson on photosynthesis. If she asks about how her cut got better i explain how our bodies repair damage wil cell division. She gets it and actually has the correct information.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Explaining special needs really depends on the age of the child. My son has Asperger's and has some, shall we say, different behaviors at times. I have always appreciated it when parents ask me how to explain my son's differences to their children. I usually tell them that his brain developed in a different way but he's still mostly just like them. Many older kids have heard of autism or even have other friends or relatives who have it. They can be given a more advanced explanation.

One time that stands out: There were 2 brother on my other son's baseball team. My son would get bored watching his brother's games and preferred to walk around near the field pretending he was a train or a race car or whatever else his imagination came up with. The mom of the brothers came up to me one day and said, "My boys were asking what's wrong with your older son. I wanted to ask you how to explain it to them." I appreciated her question and was about to answer it when she added, "They were saying they're glad he's not their brother." OK, I have no problem with the kids saying that. They're kids. And the mom was right to want to get the facts straight before explaining it to them. But did she have to tell me her kids said that? Again, I don't blame the kids. But I think the mom should have known better than to say that to me. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

[AshtonsMom99]

That's just plain wrong.....The other mother was obviously under educated in manners...... When I was young I was blue for about 9 years because of my heart problem, I don't remember a lot of this, but I do remember a time when another parent asked my mother if it was catching.....Eegads people....

 

[RobinFabulous]

Hi everyone -

I was hoping on getting some ideas on how to handle this:

DS is 6.5 and in kindergarten. Today he was seen running away from and making faces at a special education student. The SE teacher, other students (who told his teacher) and, most heartbrakingly, the child's mother (who just happened to be there today) all witnessed his behavior.

I'm so heartbroken and disappointed about this. I've talked to him about how we all have feelings and we need to be friendly with everyone. But I'm not sure how to proceed with punishment. We usually try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I don't know what to do. I told him i'm still thinking about his punishment (and that I'm waiting for his dad to come home so we can discuss it).

What would you do?

I just caught this, and I am the mother of a SE child. Jonah is 7 and in his second year of k. Are you truly sure he was making fun of the child and not just playing? Listen, at that age, I wouldn't pun ish, I'd just sit down and have a talk about what makes everyone different and why that's okay. Then I'd point out how would he feel if someone was mean to him because he has brown eyes or blonde hair or whatnot.

We've delt with alot, but honestly the younger kids aren't as cruel as the older ones. One child in Jonah's sister's class told her she was "stupid & ******** like her brother" I didn't let that one go so easily.

I'd just try to talk honestly about it, and if he says something like "He makes me uncomfortable" or whatnot then just tell him he doesn't have to be his best friend but he has to be polite, and let it go

 

[RobinFabulous]

This is tough. My son has Autism, not Downs. So, he doesn't "look" different, so I've not had to address any of those questions about him. However, he sometimes ACTS different (hand flapping, humming, etc.) and I've had kids ask why he does those things...

I'm not sure I'd know how to answer that question either. The thing is, my son is in a special ed. class now (preschool class) with a classmate with Down's, and my other son is is special ed preschool as well for speech/language delay, and he rides the bus with two Down's kids. So, they have the benefit of "early exposure" if you will. I don't think they will really ever notice that these kids are any "different" than they are.

However, I've never really liked the term "special education" because of the way it implies that these kids are actually somehow "above" or "better" than typical kids. I mean, the truth is, to most YOUNG kids, who don't understand better, the word "special" has very strong positive connotations. I think a lot of younger kids resent special ed. kids at first, because they don't really understand them, and why they are considered "special". It's difficult. I wish they would change the phrasing...

The way I would attempt to explain it to your son, if I were you, is that some children are born with or develop extra CHALLENGES, sometimes due to an accident or illness when they are little. Be straight with him. These challenges sometimes make it harder for them to learn (learning disabilities). Sometimes, it is harder for them to make friends (social disabilities like Autism/Aspergers). Sometimes, their health is compromised and they are not able to be physically active like other kids (cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, other types of mobility disabilities).

Explain to him that this is just how it is. Some children are born this way, and it's not fair. They did not choose to be this way, and it is up to the rest of us to try our hardest to do what we can (you know, society as a whole) to be tolerant and helpful when we can, and at the very least, not make things any harder for them. Tell him that these kids, although they have to try extra hard in school, and have to work extra hard to have friends, want VERY much to have a normal childhood, and play and have friends, and do all the things that HE can do, and that they have feelings and like the same things that he likes (sports, t.v., computers, etc.) Just because they look and talk differently sometimes, it doesn't mean that he should be scared of them. Remind him that he can't "catch" their disability (he probably thinks this is the case) and that a LOT of times, interaction with regular kids like him and the friendships that result can actually HELP these kids get better! This is especially true in the case of Down's and Autistic kids. Friendships and social interaction with typical peers actually help improve outcomes later in life, so they are very important!

I know it's sort of a heavy topic, but if he is interested enough to ask, and he has managed to speak to you about it THIS much already, I think you should go all out with him. He may surprise you and be the one who befriends and advocates on behalf of the special needs kids in the future...which would be a wonderful thing.

My youngest attended Easter Seals and she is more accepting of people different from her. My oldest has a hrder time of it.

I always say somthing like Jonah is the way God made him, some things are harder for him, but other things are easier, like smiling, or being happy