DS caught making fun of SE student :(

[Kathymcbain]

I agree with cutting your son some slack - he's young and his reaction may be partly not knowing how to react to someone who is different than him.

I also agree with the posters that suggest getting together with the other child and the other child's parents so that your son can apologize.

Peer tutoring wouldn't be a bad idea either - if that's not something your school can allow, there are surely opportunities that your family could get involved with in the community that would allow your child to be around those with special needs and he'd surely get a good lesson in empathy and caring.

Don't feel bad as a parent - all kids do things that they shouldn't and all kids make fun of other kids at some point in their lives. It doesn't reflect on how you've raised him thus far and your response shows that you care deeply about teaching him the difference between right and wrong. I actually think this event gives you a great opportunity to teach him some important life long lessons and that's really what it's all about!

 

[emh1129]

I'm a mother of a special needs child, and I just think that it's wonderful that you are taking this seriously and will be using it as a way to talk to your son about his actions. Great learning opportunity!

 

[SLK1]

I'm SO impressed you're concerned about this. So many parents these days are just too tired to parent!!!

Make sure the other student wants an apology first. Some people are extremely uncomfortable receiving an apology face-to-face, especially if it's only going to open old wounds. Maybe a letter would be better?? Also, if your child apologizes to the other child's parent, make sure he/she does not shame and/or discipline your child even more than you have. Make sure they accept the apology and say "thank you" and not carry on even more than you have addressed it at home.

 

[Princess-in-Training]

i everyone! Thank you all SOOOOOOO much for your responses! They have helped tremendously. And thank you for your kind words, too.

SO -- DH and I sat with DS to ask him what happened. He said that he was making faces to everyone to make everyone laugh. And he says he was trying to play tag. He seemed genuinely confused. I think there's a combination of things going on. I know that he's said he doesn't like the SE kids before in the past but couldn't say why. I used this opportunity to tell him that when I was little, I used to be a little nervous around SE kids because I didn't know how to talk to them or play with them, and his eyes got wide and he said, "that's how I feel!" So we told him that SE kids are like all the other kids - they want to be played with nicely and spoken to nicely. I reminded him about the 8 yo across the street who sometimes plays to roughly, which DS doesn't like, and I said that maybe that's how the other child felt yesterday.

We explained to him that what he was doing could have made the other child sad, and that we all have feelings. They do have recess together, so I told him that his job today was to ask him to play and to play nicely. I let his teacher know that, as well. I'm going into the classroom this afternoon, so I check up on that! I sent a note with him to pass on to the other mom, letting her know what we discussed. If he does it again, I'll involve the guidance counselor and set up a meeting.

So, I'm cutting him a little slack this time. He knows how disappointed I am, (and his teacher, too) and I wonder about perceptions (whether he was just playing or not).

Thanks again for your input! The folks on this board are always so helpful!!

I have two more questions for those parents with special needs kids -- DS asked why a certain boy (with down's) looked and talked the way he does. I said that he was born that way and we are all born with differences. He didn't like that answer. What would you, as a parent, say? He also asked why they are "special". I said it was because they got an extra kiss from God before they were born. What would your answer be?

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think you're a great mom to work so hard on bringing up a great kid .

 

[brergnat]

I have two more questions for those parents with special needs kids -- DS asked why a certain boy (with down's) looked and talked the way he does. I said that he was born that way and we are all born with differences. He didn't like that answer. What would you, as a parent, say? He also asked why they are "special". I said it was because they got an extra kiss from God before they were born. What would your answer be?

This is tough. My son has Autism, not Downs. So, he doesn't "look" different, so I've not had to address any of those questions about him. However, he sometimes ACTS different (hand flapping, humming, etc.) and I've had kids ask why he does those things...

I'm not sure I'd know how to answer that question either. The thing is, my son is in a special ed. class now (preschool class) with a classmate with Down's, and my other son is is special ed preschool as well for speech/language delay, and he rides the bus with two Down's kids. So, they have the benefit of "early exposure" if you will. I don't think they will really ever notice that these kids are any "different" than they are.

However, I've never really liked the term "special education" because of the way it implies that these kids are actually somehow "above" or "better" than typical kids. I mean, the truth is, to most YOUNG kids, who don't understand better, the word "special" has very strong positive connotations. I think a lot of younger kids resent special ed. kids at first, because they don't really understand them, and why they are considered "special". It's difficult. I wish they would change the phrasing...

The way I would attempt to explain it to your son, if I were you, is that some children are born with or develop extra CHALLENGES, sometimes due to an accident or illness when they are little. Be straight with him. These challenges sometimes make it harder for them to learn (learning disabilities). Sometimes, it is harder for them to make friends (social disabilities like Autism/Aspergers). Sometimes, their health is compromised and they are not able to be physically active like other kids (cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, other types of mobility disabilities).

Explain to him that this is just how it is. Some children are born this way, and it's not fair. They did not choose to be this way, and it is up to the rest of us to try our hardest to do what we can (you know, society as a whole) to be tolerant and helpful when we can, and at the very least, not make things any harder for them. Tell him that these kids, although they have to try extra hard in school, and have to work extra hard to have friends, want VERY much to have a normal childhood, and play and have friends, and do all the things that HE can do, and that they have feelings and like the same things that he likes (sports, t.v., computers, etc.) Just because they look and talk differently sometimes, it doesn't mean that he should be scared of them. Remind him that he can't "catch" their disability (he probably thinks this is the case) and that a LOT of times, interaction with regular kids like him and the friendships that result can actually HELP these kids get better! This is especially true in the case of Down's and Autistic kids. Friendships and social interaction with typical peers actually help improve outcomes later in life, so they are very important!

I know it's sort of a heavy topic, but if he is interested enough to ask, and he has managed to speak to you about it THIS much already, I think you should go all out with him. He may surprise you and be the one who befriends and advocates on behalf of the special needs kids in the future...which would be a wonderful thing.

 

[WantToGoNow]

My ds is finishing up 2nd grade this year. He has had special needs children in his classroom all 3 years - with their aides. I really think this has helped him to see that some children/people are different. During Kindergarten and 1st grade it was the same boy - a little boy with Downs. My son bonded with this child right away and became a "student helper". Although he accepts him as he is, he's still a bit confused as to why he's different and just asked the other day why this child couldn't talk. There is a child in his class this year that is severly autistic. I think it's a wonderful thing that schools are incorporating these children into the mainstream classrooms because it teaches children to accept all children not just those that are at the same level as themselves.

 

[tjmw2727]

brergnat - great post!

My oldest dd was a "typical peer" in an inclusion class for preschool and kindergarten so she has always been friends with kids with downs, asperbergers, autism etc. I consider us lucky for her to have had that expericence and now as an 8th grader she is head and shoulders above some of her friends when it comes to the tween/teen drama since differences have always been a part of her life.

I don't think kids these days see differences the way we did and I like that. Lots of kids wear glasses now and my dd's have no idea what "4 eyes means" LOL. Braces are a status and my kids and their friends look like a rainbow !

Finally I do like the way you handled the situation OP.

TJ

 

[crzy4my2]

Your son is 6.5 and in kindergarten? Why is that? Just wondering...

I don't think it's an odd thing for a child to be 6.5 in Kindergarten. Here in MA (at least in my town) a child has to be 5 by 8/31. My DS was 5 on 9/23. he had missed the cutoff and had to wait a year. He went to a private kindergarten when he was 5 and then the next Sept he started public kindergarten..he turned 6 only a few weeks into school and by March he was 6.5. and I love that he was older starting school. His teacher says his math and reading are way above grade level (he is in 1st grade this year) and she gives him some 4th grade reading books to take home.

WTG OP, I think you are handling it well.

 

[surfergirl602]

Actually that is nothing out of the ordinary, why do you ask? Around here, schools have cut off dates and your child must be 5 years old BEFORE Sept. 1. That means a child with a birthday of Sept. 2 (turning 5) would HAVE to wait until the next year to start Kindergarten.


To the OP: I wouldn't make that big of a deal out of it unless the behavior persisted. Sit him down and have a heart to heart about "how we treat others". He is only 6 and probably didn't realize the impact his actions would make. Good luck.

My DD will still be six when she starts second grade. I thought that 6.5 was old for Kinder as well... but maybe its just because of birth dates?

 

[a1tinkfans]

Hi everyone -

I was hoping on getting some ideas on how to handle this:

DS is 6.5 and in kindergarten. Today he was seen running away from and making faces at a special education student. The SE teacher, other students (who told his teacher) and, most heartbrakingly, the child's mother (who just happened to be there today) all witnessed his behavior.

I'm so heartbroken and disappointed about this. I've talked to him about how we all have feelings and we need to be friendly with everyone. But I'm not sure how to proceed with punishment. We usually try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I don't know what to do. I told him i'm still thinking about his punishment (and that I'm waiting for his dad to come home so we can discuss it).

What would you do?

I want to say that I applaud you for being a responsive parent to the situation.
However, I also want to add that I would not OVER react to it. This is a child, kids do things and I think in this "politically correct" world we live in, each and every "thing" becomes an issue, MORE than maybe it has to be. Your child is 6 years old....not a man of the world.....not in middle school or HS.....a kindergar....
I would explain why it is not nice and not proper to tease/make fun of others and why we should all EMBRACE DIVERSITY (in 6 year old terms)!

IMHO, (as a parent of a needs child) I ask that people DON'T over react...but explain and take it as a learning opportunity, simple and pure. Kids are Kids, even adults are not always appropriate with comments (just read the Disability thread where needs people get comments while at Disney, Goodness), we ALL need to be more tolerant of differences.
Anyhoo, I digress, again, THANKS for teaching your child it is wrong but punishments and principals and tutoring, etc sounds like overkill to me......

 

[A&E'sMom]

I think there should be a light punishment for the teasing of any child, but he is still very young. He may not actually understand the difference between a SE child and a child who is not SE.

There shouldn't be a more severe punishment just because the other child is SE.

Teach him that everyone is different and it's not nice to tease ANYbody.

ITA. I think the lesson should be that everyone is different, and we don't make fun of anyone- period. To the OP, don't be too stressed about it. I know that it bothers you that he did it, but nobody is perfect. Kids need to be taught just about everything, and being good doesn't come naturally. Good for you in realizing this, and taking steps to teach and correct your child. As for having a 6 year old tutor another child? I think that's a bit much, IMO. I think that an apology is wonderful and a conversation about being kind is in order, but save punishments for if it were to happen a second time.

Also, to the question regarding a 6.5 year old being in kindergarten: it's not uncommon. My son didn't start kindergarten until he was almost six, so is now finishing the school year at age 6.5. Also, there are lots and lots of studies that show that holding off kindergarten until age six is a good thing for kids (although, not the reason why my son started at that age).

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

It's currently fashionable down here in the south to start children later at school, especially boys, to make sure they're ready for kindergarten.

Perhaps fashionable isn't the right word; it isn't meant to be perjorative. People are looking more at the child's readiness for kindergarten vs. their chronological age when deciding when to start their child because much of the stigma (at least here in the southeast) has been removed in terms of how old kids are in a classroom.

Having said that, I am not entirely in favor of the late starters, especially the boys, because my daughter was an early starter and has been in classes with boys two years older and more than she is, which can lead to issues with being picked on by much older boys who are not really her social peer group, especially when they grow and get into 2nd and 3rd grade and the size/age difference is more noticeable than when in kindergarten.

But, everyone has their challenges at school and I don't resent the parents who put their kids in when they're older-they're trying to do what they feel is best for their kid, can't fault them for trying...

 

[stacy6552]

You child is very young and this is probable his first exposure to a child with special needs. I think coaching and dialog are warrented, not punishment. If he continues to repeat it despite understanding the problem, then bring on the punishment (which, imho would be not being allowed to play with other kids, since he can't be trusted). But remember he's young and still learning.

 

[DisJase]

As the other posters have said many schools have a cut off line. I know around here a 6.5 year old absolutely would not be allowed in the 2nd (or first grade for that matter) grade. Yeah, the cut off dates parents have no control over (it goes by birth date) so some kids end up having to be a little older. It's not unusual at all.

 

[Alesia]

I have two more questions for those parents with special needs kids -- DS asked why a certain boy (with down's) looked and talked the way he does. I said that he was born that way and we are all born with differences. He didn't like that answer. What would you, as a parent, say? He also asked why they are "special". I said it was because they got an extra kiss from God before they were born. What would your answer be?

Just answer with the truth. Seriously.

I know people will think I'm crazy, but when my DD asks a question like that she gets a factual, scientific answer. Kids are really receptive to that and they are capable of understanding a lot more than adults give them credit for.

I would just give a basic explanation about how chromosomes work and what happens when one of them is damaged or missing.

By the way, If you don't know the answer, it's a great opportunity to research the answer together. Google is your friend.

 

[starbox]

This is an excellent and appropriate-level book for talking about teasing/bullying with early elementary-age children:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Laugh-Reading-Rainbow-Book/dp/1582460582

 

[A&E'sMom]

It's currently fashionable down here in the south to start children later at school, especially boys, to make sure they're ready for kindergarten.

Perhaps fashionable isn't the right word; it isn't meant to be perjorative. People are looking more at the child's readiness for kindergarten vs. their chronological age when deciding when to start their child because much of the stigma (at least here in the southeast) has been removed in terms of how old kids are in a classroom.

Having said that, I am not entirely in favor of the late starters, especially the boys, because my daughter was an early starter and has been in classes with boys two years older and more than she is, which can lead to issues with being picked on by much older boys who are not really her social peer group, especially when they grow and get into 2nd and 3rd grade and the size/age difference is more noticeable than when in kindergarten.

But, everyone has their challenges at school and I don't resent the parents who put their kids in when they're older-they're trying to do what they feel is best for their kid, can't fault them for trying...

Not to hijack the thread, but I hadn't thought about early starters being in with older kids, due to "late" starters. It's funny though, I went mostly to private Christian schools where all age groups were together, so being with much older or much younger kids was never out of the norm for me. In fact, I didn't even think about it until I was researching homeschooling my boys, and I read several articles talking about how in traditional schools is the only place that kids will ever be segregated by age, that "real life" isn't like that. I can see how having older kids in with younger kids could cause problems, but I can also see where it might be a great benefit.

 

[jessica52877]

I am confused about the whole age thing?

Most kids here are 6.5 and in K. We have a cut off and there is nothing that can be done about it. DS's bday is December 27th so I would consider him 6.5 and he is in K. He is actually one of the youngest in the class and only 1 could have actually started the year before.

 

[Princess-in-Training]

Hi everyone! OP here! I wanted to add about DS' age -- the cutoff here is 9/30. His birthday is 9/27 -- we waited an extra year because of his maturity level, as well as speech delays. We agonized over the decision at the time (actually, I posted about it!) but have not regretted our decision (beyond spending an extra $7000 on a fancypants preschool. OUCH!).

His teacher said he DID ask the other boy to play - and they played nicely together!

Brergnat -- Thank you for your post - I think you had some wonderful ideas on how to talk to him. Incidently, one of his best friends, who he's known for a couple of years, has Autism -- and DS is so great with him. He can often calm his friend down when no one else can. He has no idea what Autism is, he just knows his friend gets upset about things sometimes.


SO many of you gave me wonderful advice -- thank you!!