DS caught making fun of SE student :(

[Princess-in-Training]

Hi everyone -

I was hoping on getting some ideas on how to handle this:

DS is 6.5 and in kindergarten. Today he was seen running away from and making faces at a special education student. The SE teacher, other students (who told his teacher) and, most heartbrakingly, the child's mother (who just happened to be there today) all witnessed his behavior.

I'm so heartbroken and disappointed about this. I've talked to him about how we all have feelings and we need to be friendly with everyone. But I'm not sure how to proceed with punishment. We usually try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I don't know what to do. I told him i'm still thinking about his punishment (and that I'm waiting for his dad to come home so we can discuss it).

What would you do?

 

[Leajess99]

Hi everyone -

I was hoping on getting some ideas on how to handle this:

DS is 6.5 and in kindergarten. Today he was seen running away from and making faces at a special education student. The SE teacher, other students (who told his teacher) and, most heartbrakingly, the child's mother (who just happened to be there today) all witnessed his behavior.

I'm so heartbroken and disappointed about this. I've talked to him about how we all have feelings and we need to be friendly with everyone. But I'm not sure how to proceed with punishment. We usually try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I don't know what to do. I told him i'm still thinking about his punishment (and that I'm waiting for his dad to come home so we can discuss it).

What would you do?

Is the child with Special needs in a separate SE class?? I would talk to his teacher about possibly having him be a peer tutor for a couple of days. This would be a way to hopefully help him better understand the child. Other than that I am not real sure as both of my younger kids were in preschool with children with Special needs and so it has not been an issue with us. Plus my youngest was severely speech delayed so was also considered Special needs herself.

 

[jennifer293]

If it were my child I would set up a meeting with the child, parent of the child, principal, and the teacher and have my child apologize to each and every one of them. Then I would take away privledges (i.e. Nintendo DS, laptop, Wii, TV basically anything fun) for at least a week.

 

[friskykitten]

I don't have much advise for you. But I wanted to make sure that I told you how wonderful I think you are to care so much and want you child to grow up to be a socially responsible individual. So many parents would just let this go or say that it is just kids being kids.

Nipping this in the bud and making sure he knows how dissappointed you are in his actions is one of the best parenting moves you could make. Kudos to you!

I do like the idea of him having to apologize for his actions to the mother and child as well as doing it in front of his teacher and principal. If he was older I would suggest he write an apology in addition to the verbal one. The only thing you have to worry about is if it becomes a severe enough punishment that he considers his actions to correct it as being stupid and unwarranted. Some kids will roll thier eyes and go along just to please the parents but not really learn a lesson from it. He is young enough it should work though.

I would also follow up with a small punishment at home. That way he is reminded that he should be a good person not just by the punishment at school but also by the punishment he has to suffer at home. Then he will think of it as an all the time way to act rather than just in a public place.

 

[ms_missy66]

Let me share my typical response when my girls notice differences.

I say "Isn't it so cool how everyone's bodies come in all different shapes, sizes and abilities? If we were all the same, it would be so boring. So just because someone is different or has difficulties with something you find easy, doesn't mean you can make fun of them." You're an awesome mom for taking this so seriously and really trying to get your son to understand.

If you know the mom in any, way, shape or form, I really think she's appreciate knowing how you're trying to teach your son to be compassionate. She may even have some ideas how to handle it. If she's a witch in response to your call, just say something like, "Well, I can definitely understand why you'd be upset. I'll be working with my son. Thank you." *click*

*hugs* Don't be too upset with your son. Learning the lesson is far more important than the mistake made at this age.

 

[thegreggersmom]

I think a combination of the apology and the peer tutoring is best. The apology alone might make him resent the SE student even more but with the combo he not only acknowledges his actions were wrong but also gets a better understanding of why.

Kudos from me, too, for being on top of this!

 

[brergnat]

Your son is 6.5 and in kindergarten? Why is that? Just wondering...

I am a parent of a SE child (who will be entering K next year). I see enough of this ugly behavior on playgrounds, and it disappoints me, but I applaud you as a mother that ACTUALLY cares to do something about it. Too often, parents choose to ignore this type of behavior from their kids and just pass it off as "kids being kids". So, thanks to you for wanting to make it right.

I would sit him down and try to have a talk (on his level, of course) about special needs kids, because chances are, he'll encounter a lot of them throughout his years in public school, and probably in his classes, as more of them are being mainstreamed and integrated these days. He needs to understand that some children have different learning challenges, behaviors, and needs, but that EVERYONE has feelings, just like HIM, and that everyone feels the same emotions (happy, sad, hurt, etc.). Explain to him that what he did made that child feel SAD and why. Ask him how he would feel if someone did that to him. Remind him that he is not perfect (find some teeny flaw that he is perhaps insecure about...and use it to illustrate how a child could make fun of him for it...you have to give a concrete example of what this feels like). Then, ask him what he can do to make the kid feel better (i.e. probe an apology, from him to the kid, out of him). Don't let him get away with just "I'm sorry." Make him apologize for the specific action..."I'm sorry for making faces at you and hurting your feelings." That way, he acknowledges that what he did had a hurtful connotation to it.

Good luck. I'm not sure that I would actually "punish" this, with removing privileges. The thing is, he might not even know what he did was wrong. UNLESS you know for SURE that he knows he did something wrong (i.e. he's done this before, or you've had this discussion and it's an ongoing problem), I'd skip the punishment this time. However, I would warn him that you will not tolerate this type of behavior from him in general. Reiterate kindness and tolerance for all individuals, regardless of race, gender, looks, ability, intelligence, etc. Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he acts this way towards another child again, he WILL be punished.

 

[Leajess99]

I also like the idea of the apology as well. Thank you for what youa re doing with your child. All too often there are parents that just do not care and it is sad. Last year in my daughter's preschool class there was a boy making fun of a child with special needs but not even the teacher wanted to deal with it. I felt sorry for that child (the one making fun of the child with special needs) but often wondered how he would have felt if another peer had made rude comments about his situation seeing his mom was in jail for drug trafficking. The little boy being made fun of just let it go because that is the way he is. It is hard as parents to see how our kids are but it is always great seeing parents who really care and are trying to teach their kids better.

 

[Rebelmom67]

Your son is 6.5 and in kindergarten? Why is that? Just wondering...

Actually that is nothing out of the ordinary, why do you ask? Around here, schools have cut off dates and your child must be 5 years old BEFORE Sept. 1. That means a child with a birthday of Sept. 2 (turning 5) would HAVE to wait until the next year to start Kindergarten.


To the OP: I wouldn't make that big of a deal out of it unless the behavior persisted. Sit him down and have a heart to heart about "how we treat others". He is only 6 and probably didn't realize the impact his actions would make. Good luck.

 

[bumbershoot]

Your son is 6.5 and in kindergarten? Why is that? Just wondering...

Good luck. I'm not sure that I would actually "punish" this, with removing privileges. The thing is, he might not even know what he did was wrong. UNLESS you know for SURE that he knows he did something wrong (i.e. he's done this before, or you've had this discussion and it's an ongoing problem), I'd skip the punishment this time. However, I would warn him that you will not tolerate this type of behavior from him in general. Reiterate kindness and tolerance for all individuals, regardless of race, gender, looks, ability, intelligence, etc. Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he acts this way towards another child again, he WILL be punished.

Remember, it's the end of the school year, so he was 5 when he started. Sounds on the older end of normal K age to me.

I like your thought of him perhaps not knowing this wasn't OK. Honestly in reading it, I thought "what kindergartner doesn't make faces occasionally, and don't all kids run away from other kids sometimes?" I wasn't seeing if this was anything he did specifically b/c of the kid's status, or if he was just being a usual little kid at another usual little kid.

So yeah, I'd want to be SURE that he was doing it specifically b/c of whatever is going on with the child, b/c he might very well have done that at anyone. If he would have done it at anyone, I know I would want ot know that, both to talk about how we treat *everyone*, and also so that I'm not being inappropriate.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I have a special needs child of my own. He's 13 now and has experienced his share of teasing over the years.

First of all, I would cut your son a little slack. He's only 6 years old. His age doesn't necessarily excuse his behavior, but at that age he's still learning what's appropriate and what isn't. Rather than punish him, I would use this as a learning experience for him.

I would ask the special ed teacher if your son could spend 20 or so minutes in the classroom, perhaps during free play time. With facilitation from the teacher, he should be introduced to the child he made fun of and be given the opportunity to apologize for making fun of him. He can then spend a little time playing with that child and seeing for himself that he's probably a really nice kid.

This experience would be far more meaningful to your son than being made to apologize to a bunch of adults. Kids at this age make fun of those they don't understand and are not comfortable being around. I think some time in the classroom would give your son a better understanding and maybe even make a new friend.

 

[notsosnowwhite]

Your child's behavior is not abnormal - I taught a first grade inclusion class for many years and children do notice differences. They need to be taught how to react appropriately to these differences and to ask questions about others quietly and respectfully.

I don't know if this would work for you, but I have the privilege of working in a parochial school. I love that I can tell students that teasing hurts not only others hearts, but also God's heart. A punishment this late after the behavior may not get the message through to a child this young. An apology is always appropriate.

You could also talk privately with the other parent, apologize for your child's behavior, explain what you discussed, and see if they have any suggestions on how to help your child understand. Many parents of special needs children do have their own ways of explaining things - I've had several come and speak to the whole class when their child isn't there and explain why their child is special. It helps pull everyone together as a team and really does help curb the teasing that comes at this age.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Hi everyone -

I was hoping on getting some ideas on how to handle this:

DS is 6.5 and in kindergarten. Today he was seen running away from and making faces at a special education student. The SE teacher, other students (who told his teacher) and, most heartbrakingly, the child's mother (who just happened to be there today) all witnessed his behavior.

I'm so heartbroken and disappointed about this. I've talked to him about how we all have feelings and we need to be friendly with everyone. But I'm not sure how to proceed with punishment. We usually try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I don't know what to do. I told him i'm still thinking about his punishment (and that I'm waiting for his dad to come home so we can discuss it).

What would you do?

Ok, I'm going to go against the flow here and suggest that he doesn't need to be punished, but that he needs to be taught, and it's an incredible opportunity to teach him empathy and understanding of other people's feelings.

Kids don't pop out of the womb angels-appropriate behavior towards their fellow humans is taught.

What your child did wasn't a crime, it was a reaction based upon a lack of knowledge and empathy towards that other child.

So, how to make your child understand how that other child FELT when your child teased him? Get them together with the other mom in a low stress setting, and ask your child "why did you tease Jane (the se kid)?" And he'll say something like, "because it was funny." and then ask Jane "did you like it when Brandon teased you?" and she will of course say "No". Ask Jane to talk about how it made her feel.

Then ask your child "Does it make you feel good that you made her feel bad?" This is where most kids will realize that their behavior impacts other people.

Then you need to give him the words to apologize to Jane. "Jane, I am sorry I teased you. It was not right that I did that, and I won't do it again." Don't let him mumble it, and insist he make eye contact with her. She may not fully understand or comprehend what is going on, but it will make a lasting impression on him that she's a real person with real feelings.

If you make it punitive and negative, he's just going to emotionally clam up and not learn anything from the experience other than to make sure you wait until the grownups are out of earshot before you pick on kids.

...just what I would do (and have done with my kids-because all kids make mistakes like this).

 

[~Kristina~]

Is the child with Special needs in a separate SE class?? I would talk to his teacher about possibly having him be a peer tutor for a couple of days. This would be a way to hopefully help him better understand the child. Other than that I am not real sure as both of my younger kids were in preschool with children with Special needs and so it has not been an issue with us. Plus my youngest was severely speech delayed so was also considered Special needs herself.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

[princessmom29]

I agree with the other posters. It is so nice to see a parent teaching their child empathy. I would do as others have suggested and have a talk about why it wasw not ok, and have him meet and apologize to the child.

 

[aTasteOfHeaven]

I think there should be a light punishment for the teasing of any child, but he is still very young. He may not actually understand the difference between a SE child and a child who is not SE.

There shouldn't be a more severe punishment just because the other child is SE.

Teach him that everyone is different and it's not nice to tease ANYbody.

 

[Beehn]

I am one who wonders why he was teasing this kid. I have a friend and her DD started making fun of a little girl with Downs. My friend went crazy...turns out she was picking on her because her shirt was blue and it was a "boys color". Not that it is right to make fun of anyone...but if you make a big deal about it and it turns out he just didn't like the kids' shirt then you might make things worse. JMHO

 

[msmama]

I agree that he shouldn't really get in more trouble for making fun of a SE student than another student. Yes, he should be taught about differences, but he shouldn't be making fun of ANYBODY (regardless of special needs or not).

I feel like by making a big deal out of the child being special needs than you're really telling your son that other people should be treated differently (which most special needs kids (at least my sister) don't want - at least from other kids).

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

I am one who wonders why he was teasing this kid. I have a friend and her DD started making fun of a little girl with Downs. My friend went crazy...turns out she was picking on her because her shirt was blue and it was a "boys color". Not that it is right to make fun of anyone...but if you make a big deal about it and it turns out he just didn't like the kids' shirt then you might make things worse. JMHO

Thank you - I was just going to say this.

Kids make fun of each other. Is it nice? No. Does that mean your child is intolerant of differences? Probably not. As this poster points out, your son could have been making faces and running away for a completely unrelated reason. For example, was this a girl? Boys make faces and run away from girls for the first half of their childhood. Then they run after them for the the rest of the time!

I think a talk about respecting the feelings of others is sufficient discipline. No need to point out differences he might not even have noticed.

 

[PebblesMK]

I'll tell you what. My daughter just got in trouble for making fun of a kid and his little brother last week. She was the only one who fessed up, but I was so upset over her choices because she's always stood up for others who were being made fun of. I asked her what her punishment should be. She grounded herself, and she wrote apology letters to not only the two boys, but also to their parents because she knew that it hurt them just as much as the kids. She also called them and asked if she could come over and apologize. I took her to their house and she stood there and apologized. She explained that she has been picked on before and it is really hurtful and she had a lack of judgement. Her grounding was a lot worse than I've ever grounded her, an entire week and weekend and all she was allowed to do was read or do extra homework that the kids get. I'm pretty sure that the apology along got to her as she apologized with a tear running down her cheek.