Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[imthatgirl]

I never assumed to know how your conversations went. I was speaking strictly of the posts you have made here. Obviously I wasn't there for your conversations. All I have to go on is what you say here, and your posts have seemed very defensive, not sensitive. It has seemed to me as though you just cannot see how your decision has hurt your SIL.

You aren't in the weddings because you "are not spending that much money on weddings in the same year." You are spending money on a vacation. If you skipped the vacation just this once, you could possibly make it work so you could be in both weddings. This is how the brides probably see things. There are those of us here who would have made the choice to skip the trip, and placed the honor of being in the weddings above our own vacation for one year. You chose not to, and that's fine. If you aren't bothered by how that makes the SIL feel, that's fine, too. But all I'm saying is that if it does bother you that you hurt her feelings (even if you don't agree with her reasoning), it hasn't come across here.

I'm not trying to convince you to do anything differently, or assume that I know everything about your situation (that's why I said to "correct me if I'm wrong"). I am just curious and perplexed by your posts...it's perfectly OK to make a decision that you feel is right and stand by it, but when that decision is hurtful to another person, it's important to acknowledge that as well.

People see things differently...you and I do...you and your SIL do...the important thing is to be respectful, even when you cannot understand where another person is coming from. That is why I am going to say again, good luck with your family, I hope that no one holds a grudge, and have a wonderful time in the World!

OK...I will say it again...even if we didn't go on vacation we still wouldn't be in the weddings...should I bold this? Maybe scream it?

 

[BlondeAlligator]

OK...I will say it again...even if we didn't go on vacation we still wouldn't be in the weddings...should I bold this? Maybe scream it?

Geez...I tried to end things nicely...perhaps I should not have bothered...

 

[DeniseinNS]

Telling them that you don't want to spend the money to be in the weddings wasn't the problem. Of course that's your right; of course you are not obligated (as I have said before...). But it's their right to be hurt by your decision, especially when you turn around and take a vacation instead. Being there for your family means sometimes making sacrifices, like spending money on that hideous bridesmaid dress you'll never wear again, simply because it's important to them.

The consideration I speak of comes in when you acknowledge that your decision has hurt another person, stop being defensive, and put yourself in the bride's shoes. Not once that I know of (please correct me if I'm wrong) have you said anything like "I feel really bad for how this has made her feel."

 

[robinb]

She is the first one getting married (in 2 weeks btw) and the one that understand a that both weddings wold be too much.

So, you're going on your trip the day after the wedding? It just keeps on getting better and better. I would love to be the fly on the wall when you leave the reception early so you can be well rested for your trip .

It's the other the sister thats getting married in Novemeber who can not see beyond her wants.

How selfish! Planning her wedding a mere 6 months after her sister's wedding! Oh wait. My wedding was only 1 month after my younger sister's wedding. Nevermind.

I'm sure the next time we choose to take them all to WDW they will have gotten over it pretty quick

Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell if you have soured them on Disney vacations as well.

 

[imthatgirl]

So, you're going on your trip the day after the wedding? It just keeps on getting better and better. I would love to be the fly on the wall when you leave the reception early so you can be well rested for your trip .

How selfish! Planning her wedding a mere 6 months after her sister's wedding! Oh wait. My wedding was only 1 month after my younger sister's wedding. Nevermind.

Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell if you have soured them on Disney vacations as well.

We're leaving right from the wedding...but again that isn't the sister that's upset.
why do I have to keep saying the same things over and over? Reading/comprehension????
If you expected everyone to spend thousands on your wedding after just spending that on your sisters wedding then yes I would say the same things bout you.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

OP, I'd just let it go. There are some who just can't understand that not everyone is over the moon to be in a wedding and therefor can't understand why you aren't turning cartwheels at the offer.

If you aren't close, don't worry about it. I see brides/grooms adding not-close family members as more of an obligatory thing anyway - like they needed a body to be a space filler. There is also the chance that they felt like you'd be upset if they didn't ask since you sit for the kids and all...

I'm not surprised at some of the remarks on here that are villifying you, it's been happening a lot here lately. It's just the risk you take when you post a vent.

I don't fault you for not asking the family along and I also don't fault you for turning down both weddings. Imagine if you agreed to do one over the other... what a mess! I think you made the right call saying no to both. If bride #2 wants to use you as an excuse to ruin her day, I doubt there isn't much you could do to make her happy. I would rather spend my money on a vacation with my family than 2 dresses I'd only wear 1 time.

 

[okeydokey]

Well you are obviously going to do what you want regardless if 90% of people you ask think you are wrong. I'm sure the lifetime of bad feelings and repercussions you have created with your husband's family don't bother you as you have stated that you don't really like or care about them. Does your husband care that you have now created a wedge between himself and the family he used to be so close to?

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I'm sure the lifetime of bad feelings and repercussions you have created with your husband's family don't bother you as you have stated that you don't really like or care about them.

All I can say is wow! That's a little harsh dontcha think??

If her decision to not be in the wedding party will destroy the bride's new life and create an unthinkable tension between the family, I think there are a lot more issues than this wedding. It's only a wedding.

There are a lot worse things OP could do - steal money from them, assault them, etc. Refusing a wedding party invite is not the end of the world nor should it be seen as so.

I understand how very important weddings are to people, but this is only a minor part of a very big day. The bride should focus on herself and her groom and let everything else fall into place.

 

[HLDisney]

The OP said "It's too much money to be in two weddings" but I would bet dollars to donuts that the SILs understood the OP to say: "We can't afford two weddings". The OP may argue the semantics of exactly what she said and what she meant and how it's not her fault that the SILs misunderstood her until the cows come home. However now that the OP has booked her yearly vacation, it is abundantly clear to her husband's entire family what she meant. And what she meant, which translates to the brides as: "Thank you for the honor of asking me to be in your wedding but your special day is not special enough to me.", was (IMO) selfish and hurtful. Even on it's own without the added vacation. The added vacation just makes things crystal clear to everyone involved.

I have been on the DIS a very, very long time but I am still shocked at the sanctity of the Disney Vacation over everything else. Family be damned! I'm going to Disney World!

I agree with this!

OP, if your vacation had been booked before your SILs asked your family to be in their weddings, maybe your SIL might be more understanding but planning this trip after you said no to the weddings does imply that your vacation is more important than your SILs.

I've given up many trips for family events and will be giving up my long-awaited Disney trip this year to go to my cousin's wedding in Canada and to go on a cruise with my parents and aunts (because if we don't go, my parents won't get to have a vacation...they don't vacation without us) Would I rather be in Disney with my DD? Of course! We had planned to do Discovery Cove and I was planning an 8 day long trip (a VERY long vacation for us) and my DD and I were really looking forward to it. But I will be cancelling the trip this week because my relatives are more important to me than my vacation. And for that matter, I cancelled our Disney trip from last year because my mom wanted to go to China to visit her siblings and someone needed to stay with my dad so I used my vacation weeks to do that.

And for that matter, it works both ways because one of my aunts took several weeks out of her life to stay with my dad when my mom and I went to China to adopt my DD 7 years ago and another aunt took 3 months to come and help my mom out when my dad had surgery a few years ago. To me, that's what family is all about.

WDW is my favorite place in the world but not more important than my relatives and their feelings.

FWIW, no, you don't need to justify your actions to us but you when you post on a public forum like this, you have to expect differing opinions.

Helen

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well you are obviously going to do what you want regardless if 90% of people you ask think you are wrong. I'm sure the lifetime of bad feelings and repercussions you have created with your husband's family don't bother you as you have stated that you don't really like or care about them. Does your husband care that you have now created a wedge between himself and the family he used to be so close to?

That is assuming an awful lot! You have no idea what the husbands role is in this. You have very little to go on. Yet you put it all on the OP.

 

[persimmondeb]

If this has really created a major permanent rift in the family, something else very wrong must be going on. Brides get very, very caught up in their weddings and have trouble understanding that this is not necessarily the number one priority of the rest of the planet, or even of other family members.

Weddings are nice, and they are significant life events, but in the long run it is the MARRIAGE that is important, not the splendid party, and not having every single relative you possess in garments of your choosing.

Obviously the OP's SIL has her nose a bit out of joint, but she's not being super-reasonable (really, $400 for a probably not terribly appropriate dress for a nine-year-old?). It's pretty obvious that if her SIL had said, "go buy her a cute party dress, I like these colors for my wedding", none of us would be having this conversation.

 

[mjkacmom]

I still can't see why her DH couldn't be in the weddings? My SIL was in our wedding, but not her DH.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

Well I don't think I even implied I didn't like them. I like them very much. In fact I like one of them so much I watch her 18mo daughter 40 hours a week for nothing more then hugs and kisses. QUOTE]

Oh my - the story get's better and better...she has an 18 month old and is having a wedding that includes attendants???? Besides thinking that weddings are too over the top these days, I am a traditionalist and do not agree with a big-shing dig when one hasn't kept themself pure (and yes, to me that means not having sex, not living with your boy/girlfriend, not having a child before marriage etc.). I would not even attend anything more than a civil type ceremony. While I am probably in the minority, I believe that choices we make in life have consequences, sometimes ones we don't like/want (in my house, she would have blown any financial contribution to a wedding after having a child out of wedlock)...these days everyone want to have their cake and eat it to. I'd be taking a moral stand on this sister's wedding.

Wow. This is a pretty strong opinion when you have no idea about this bride's situation. Maybe her first husband died. Maybe she was raped and had the child. Should she not be entitled to a wedding? How judgemental without even asking for the facts!

 

[robinb]

I still can't see why her DH couldn't be in the weddings? My SIL was in our wedding, but not her DH.

The point is moot. They are leaving on their vacation on the same day of the first SIL's wedding. I assume that people in the wedding are required (at the very least) to be at the reception and my guess is that the OP and her family will already be on a jet plane to see Mickey when the toasts are being given.

 

[Nancyg56]

Speaks volumes about what? Peoples feelings do get hurt everyday....that doesn't mean you need to live your life doing everything just so as to not hurt other peoples feelings. You would never have your own life. I don't feel she is justified in being hurt. I don;t want to be in the wedding...so I'm not going to be in it. I do get a say in what I do.

See, this is the attitude some of us are responding to. WE all agree you have every right in the world to go to the world. We all agree that you have every right in the world to spend your money as you see fit. We all get that this wedding is not a financial priority as you are not close to your SIL. What we are trying to point out to you is that while you are certainly entitled to your priorities you are refusing to even see that your SIL has been hurt. SHe is justified, her feelings are her own just as your feelings are your own. You would not be so defensive here if you did nto want others to see your POV.

Quite honestly, the big too doo over weddings is seldom as important to anyone else as it is to the Bride but most of us at least try to see that a refusal for a sibling (I know you are not her sibling, she is your DH sister, but let's not quibble about this) may be especially hurtful. Even if yu do not feel the same it would be at least a little sensitive to acknowledge that she can be hurt without you adding that to her list of mistakes on the wedding.

OK...I will say it again...even if we didn't go on vacation we still wouldn't be in the weddings...should I bold this? Maybe scream it?

Again, I got that. Again, your decision would not mirror mine. No problem there, we are all entitled to our own priorities. I think you lost me when you were so callous to how the girl felt. I have no idea how this will affect your family relationship as time goes by but in my experience, what seems to be of no importance to one is significant to another an hurt feelings sometimes fester.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wow. This is a pretty strong opinion when you have no idea about this bride's situation. Maybe her first husband died. Maybe she was raped and had the child. Should she not be entitled to a wedding? How judgemental without even asking for the facts!

I noticed that post too but couldn't find the exact words to respond. If you will notice that poster has only her and her child in her signature........

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

Speaks volumes about what? Peoples feelings do get hurt everyday....that doesn't mean you need to live your life doing everything just so as to not hurt other peoples feelings. You would never have your own life. I don't feel she is justified in being hurt. I don;t want to be in the wedding...so I'm not going to be in it. I do get a say in what I do.

What is your DH's opinion about all of this? Does he want to be in the wedidngs (one or both)? I say let him deal with it. Clearly you are not close with the SILs, but is he close to them? Surely his tux wouldn't have been more than you wanted to spend.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

Thank you! Yes it is a huge responsibility. There is a lot of time involved, not just money. To do that twice in one year, is just more then I want to do.

I'm sure the next time we choose to take them all to WDW they will have gotten over it pretty quick

And why in the world would you take them to Disney if you are not close to them?

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

We're leaving right from the wedding...but again that isn't the sister that's upset.
why do I have to keep saying the same things over and over? Reading/comprehension????
If you expected everyone to spend thousands on your wedding after just spending that on your sisters wedding then yes I would say the same things bout you.

Why does the timing matter if you have the money already like you said? You spend it now or in a year. What is the big deal?

 

[imthatgirl]

The point is moot. They are leaving on their vacation on the same day of the first SIL's wedding. I assume that people in the wedding are required (at the very least) to be at the reception and my guess is that the OP and her family will already be on a jet plane to see Mickey when the toasts are being given.

You should try not assume...just makes an...yeah you know the rest. We are leaving from the reception. we will be going to wedding....which again I have said numerous times.