Don't know what to do... Can't stop thinking about death and dying

[AKL_Megs]

A month ago, a family member died tragically in an accident. He left behind a wife, two children, and two grandchildren.

Ever since then, I can't help but be constantly terrified of MY parents and/or husband dying. It HAUNTS me.

I get real anxious when I think about what it must have been like for his wife (my DH's aunt) to have the police come to her house to tell her that her husband had died. I can't even imagine the phone call the kids got, telling them that their dad had died.

My parents are around 60, and now I constantly think, "What if I only have 10 more years with my parents? 5 years? One year? One DAY?!?!" And then I cry. It happens almost daily now. Then I think to myself, "What if I got that same call TODAY?" And it only gets worse.

My family could have never imagined that that morning a month ago they would talk to their dad/husband one minute, and an hour later he would be dead.

I love my husband, of course, and never want to lose him, but for some reason, the loss of a FATHER is really, really affecting me.

I don't know what I am experiencing! Post-Traumatic Stress? What?

What can I do to get over this constant thinking? Of course, I know, at ANY second ANYONE could be dead, but I just never thought about it until I realized how fragile our life really is. Now I CAN'T stop thinking about it.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry these thoughts are consuming you. I had a very close family member die when I was 20. Even though it was so long ago, there is the thought in the back of my mind that it can happen again at any time. When the phone rings late at night, the that's the first thought in my head even after all of these years.

Thoughts of death consumed me for awhile too. It got better over the years though. It's just something I have to live with and can't let those thoughts take over my life.

Maybe it would help to see a grief counselor or go to some type of meetings for those who have lost loved ones.

I think your feelings are normal for someone who has recently lost a loved one. It does something to you. I think people who have never lost anyone close just have no idea of the fear it creates in your head when you do.

It gets easier. But like I said, maybe talking to someone will help release some of those constant thoughts of death. It's hard to enjoy the time we do have with the people we love if we are living in constant fear.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm sorry these thoughts are consuming you. I had a very close family member die when I was 20. Even though it was so long ago, there is the thought in the back of my mind that it can happen again at any time. When the phone rings late at night, the that's the first thought in my head even after all of these years.

Thoughts of death consumed me for awhile too. It got better over the years though. It's just something I have to live with and can't let those thoughts take over my life.

Maybe it would help to see a grief counselor or go to some type of meetings for those who have lost loved ones.

I think your feelings are normal for someone who has recently lost a loved one. It does something to you. I think people who have never lost anyone close just have no idea of the fear it creates in your head when you do.

It gets easier. But like I said, maybe talking to someone will help release some of those constant thoughts of death. It's hard to enjoy the time we do have with the people we love if we are living in constant fear.

Thanks for your kind words! It doesn't help at all, and I should have added, that MY dad was with him when it happened, and it just as easily could have been MY dad that was killed.

I am hoping it all gets easier soon.

 

[Bluestars]

That must have been such a horrible experience for your dad to be there when it happened. How sad for everyone. I'm so sorry.

 

[FormrCastMbr]

I am sorry about your loss...I really do not know what to say but maybe a councelor can help. I had a very hard time when my Dad died 5 years ago and seeing someone helped.

I have just lost my 2 Brothers and my Mother this past year and I am not fearful of death or consumed with it, I just wish I had one more day with them.

I hope you find comfort soon.

 

[minniebeth]

Thanks for your kind words! It doesn't help at all, and I should have added, that MY dad was with him when it happened, and it just as easily could have been MY dad that was killed.

I am hoping it all gets easier soon.

That added piece of information makes the picture a lot clearer! I'm sorry for what happened, and it seems like your thoughts are definately part of the trauma of the situation. I'm sure it's normal, at least for awhile. I hope it gets better soon for you. It does put life in perspective to live everyday to its fullest, to love each other that we love as much as we can. Every day is a gift. However, after some time of grieving, it should not consume you, things you can't control. Find some ways to relieve your stress, anxiety~

 

[Magpie]

***hugs!***

You're going through a really tough time right now, and these thoughts are completely normal to be having, considering the circumstances.

However, you should find yourself thinking about it less and less over time. If you find these thoughts are increasing, causing you more distress, or interfering with your ability to get things done and enjoy your life... then you really need to talk to a professional.

Some of your options include...

Make an appointment with your family doctor and explain what's going on. Make an appointment with your priest/pastor/spiritual advisor, if you have one. Call a crisis hotline and ask where you can turn. Call the local hospital and ask for a referral to a grief counsellor. Plug "grief counselling" or "mental health resources" plus the name of your town into Google and see what you find. Or tell your husband and/or parents that you need help, and trust them to find it for you.

Just make sure you reach out and find help! No one should feel sad all the time or suffer from distressing thoughts that they can't control or stop.

 

[dancin Disney style]

I'm very sorry for your loss.


Let me tell you from experience that what you need, mainly, is time. It does get easlier to live with. It's a different amount of time for everyone. Eventually you will realize that you've only thought about it once that day or once in two days. It tapers off.

I also want to tell you that whatever your feelings are they are perfectly OK. They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Each of us deals with things in our own way. If you feel you need some help with it then don't be afraid to ask. A good starting point is your family Dr.

 

[HERSEY]

I too would seek out the help of a grief counselor. A lot of churchs have them available. It helped me out when my dad passed.

It does take time to get to the other side of these things. It is natural to feel unsettled after a tragic loss like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A month ago, a family member died tragically in an accident. He left behind a wife, two children, and two grandchildren.

Ever since then, I can't help but be constantly terrified of MY parents and/or husband dying. It HAUNTS me.

I get real anxious when I think about what it must have been like for his wife (my DH's aunt) to have the police come to her house to tell her that her husband had died. I can't even imagine the phone call the kids got, telling them that their dad had died.

My parents are around 60, and now I constantly think, "What if I only have 10 more years with my parents? 5 years? One year? One DAY?!?!" And then I cry. It happens almost daily now. Then I think to myself, "What if I got that same call TODAY?" And it only gets worse.

My family could have never imagined that that morning a month ago they would talk to their dad/husband one minute, and an hour later he would be dead.

I love my husband, of course, and never want to lose him, but for some reason, the loss of a FATHER is really, really affecting me.

I don't know what I am experiencing! Post-Traumatic Stress? What?

What can I do to get over this constant thinking? Of course, I know, at ANY second ANYONE could be dead, but I just never thought about it until I realized how fragile our life really is. Now I CAN'T stop thinking about it.

Seek counseling. Are you prone to OCD thoughts? You are experiencing extreme anxiety, which can be triggered by a sudden event, not uncommon.

I could give you a laundry list of rational thought processes however it is probably not going to register with you because you are not thinking rational about it.

There are many tools to help you however probably better if done in a professsional setting.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Seek counseling. Are you prone to OCD thoughts? You are experiencing extreme anxiety, which can be triggered by a sudden event, not uncommon.

I could give you a laundry list of rational thought processes however it is probably not going to register with you because you are not thinking rational about it.

There are many tools to help you however probably better if done in a professsional setting.

I'm pretty rational about it... I know it could happen at any time, and could ALWAYS have happened at any time. I am just feeling REALLY attatched to my dad right now. I'm all ears. I don't feel like I need to "talk" to anyone, as there really isn't much to say, per se. Basically, "May dad could have died, and nowI realize how important he is to me. What will I do if/when he dies?"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm pretty rational about it... I know it could happen at any time, and could ALWAYS have happened at any time. I am just feeling REALLY attatched to my dad right now. I'm all ears. I don't feel like I need to "talk" to anyone, as there really isn't much to say, per se. Basically, "May dad could have died, and nowI realize how important he is to me. What will I do if/when he dies?"

No you are not. You said you constantly are thinking about it. That is not normal or rational.

ETA.....referring to constantly thinking about your own parents dying. That is anxiety and anxiety is not rational.

 

[Stitchfans]

I'm very sorry for your loss.


Let me tell you from experience that what you need, mainly, is time. It does get easlier to live with. It's a different amount of time for everyone. Eventually you will realize that you've only thought about it once that day or once in two days. It tapers off.

I also want to tell you that whatever your feelings are they are perfectly OK. They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Each of us deals with things in our own way. If you feel you need some help with it then don't be afraid to ask. A good starting point is your family Dr.

I am also sorry for your loss. I also agree with everything this person said. Well said IMO.

 

[Magpie]

I'm pretty rational about it... I know it could happen at any time, and could ALWAYS have happened at any time. I am just feeling REALLY attatched to my dad right now. I'm all ears. I don't feel like I need to "talk" to anyone, as there really isn't much to say, per se. Basically, "May dad could have died, and nowI realize how important he is to me. What will I do if/when he dies?"

Actually, I disagree. I think you do need to talk to someone - that's why you're on this board! Except, we can't really help you. So at the very least please show this post to your family, so they have some idea what you're going through.

It doesn't hurt to talk to someone, whether it's your priest or your family doctor or your best friend (in real life). Honest!

 

[AKL_Megs]

No you are not. You said you constantly are thinking about it. That is not normal or rational.

Okay, maybe not rational. I think about it daily. Still, I don't feel I have anything to TELL anyone. I just need to be RATIONAL! I guess that is the best piece of advice!

 

[AKL_Megs]

Just wanted to say "thanks" to you all. Just being able to get that off of my chest has helped. Glad to hear I am not crazy, too!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, maybe not rational. I think about it daily. Still, I don't feel I have anything to TELL anyone. I just need to be RATIONAL! I guess that is the best piece of advice!

Very hard to be rational when your are experiencing anxiety. Yes it is the end goal. If you can do it on your own, great!

If you find yourself not being able to get there, then talk to someone. It does help a lot.

The ugly side of anxiety, is that if left untreated it can lead into depression. Some people head straight for that depression wall pretty fast and some do not.

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

You are (as other's have posted) having very normal feelings. There has been a lot of good advice offered. I would add that if your church has a Stephen's Minister Program that would be something to check out.

This program is a trained layperson support ministry that is confidential and often is helpful. They are trained to walk through the journey of grief with you. This is a free service.

Sending hugs.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Very hard to be rational when your are experiencing anxiety. Yes it is the end goal. If you can do it on your own, great!

If you find yourself not being able to get there, then talk to someone. It does help a lot.

The ugly side of anxiety, is that if left untreated it can lead into depression. Some people head straight for that depression wall pretty fast and some do not.

Thanks. I guess I am in denial, too! DEFINATELY don't want to get depressed.

I guess I should talk to someone.

It's hard to talk to DH, because he is grieving. Hard to talk to my parents, my dad is a wreck as well.

I am going to do something... talk to someone.

 

[Mkrop]

It does get better with time but that feeling never goes away.

My dad died 18 years ago this month. I got the phone call to go to the hospital because my mom was away. I was 22 and went to the hospital and dealt with them telling me he had a massive heart attack by myself. Then I needed to go home and tell my brothers 12 and 8 that dad wasnt coming home. Our neighbor came and watched them while I was at the hospital. My uncles had to meet my mom at the airport.

I have my moments when I cant reach DH and I have to remind myself to relax.

This year my mom was sick and got rushed to the ER and I got those sickening feeling when I couldnt reach her then finally getting a call she was in the ER. She is fine now, they took 12 inches of colon out. But I had to go through so adjustment of her not answering the phone and me assuming the worse again.

I am better now but for a bit I was in a tizzy, having all those old feelings creep up again.

Give your family a hug, love every day with them, and realize you will be ok in the long run.