Doncha just hate it when you have to do the right thing?--UPDATE pg 5 #63

[declansdad]

ETA: The "everybody else" justificaton is as old as the hills. I used it as a kid. "Everybody else's mom is letting them go." "Everybody else is getting to stay home." Guess what. Neither was true.

I seem to recall once telling my mother that my final mark was out of 50.

 

[mjkacmom]

Right now I am not believing that everybody else failed. If the OP finds out that everybody else failed then I would not pull her from dance. If the OP finds out that many did pass then I would pull her from dance.

ETA: The "everybody else" justificaton is as old as the hills. I used it as a kid. "Everybody else's mom is letting them go." "Everybody else is getting to stay home." Guess what. Neither was true.

I see your children are young. If a student tries her hardest, and still fails, she shouldn't be punished. If a student slacks, and fails, she absolutely should be punished. Taking away something she has worked very hard on is not going to improve her math grades. I have children old enough to get grades, too, and if they slack, there go the activities. However, if they try their best and work hard at something, and still don't grasp the material, I will get them more help.

OP, explain to your dd that you were foolish to threaten to take away dance, and that punishment would only be put in place if she didn't try hard enough. It sounds like your dd tried her best.

 

[minkydog]

UPDATE-- I think DH and I have come to a consensus. We have decided NOT to punish DD16 for failing algebra 2, even though we did tell her in 9th grade that dance would have to go if she failed classes. It doesn't matter whether she was the only one who failed or if everyone failed--she did her best and it wasn't good enough. It doesn't make good sense to punish her for not understanding algebra. I don't understand algebra either, but nobody has punished me for it.

I talked to her guidance counselor today and she concurred that the online class would probably work for DD given that she has good self-management skills. She was also concerned about the idea of giving up dance because DD plans to major in dance and theater. So I felt better after talking with her.

Here's the plan: Dance will continue. It is her life. She needs to stick with it least for the next 1-1/2 years until she goes to college. For her, dance education is probably as important as algebra, Latin, and lit.

DD is now signed up for the online class. The program requires that she log in at least 4 times a week for at least 2 hours a day. She can work on it 7 days a week on her own schedule. She has to meet a few "live chat" classes for test credit. DD16 understands and agrees with this.

DD as offered to help pay for the class. She has $2000 in her savings. I think I will let her do that, but if she does well I'll replace the money at the end.

DDis not allowed to get a part-time job other than pet-sitting within the neighborhood.

And the piece d'resistance--DD will be allowed to attend a sleepover once a month only. She has 4 BFFs and they spend a lot of time together; it isn't unusual for them to sleep over at one of their homes on Friday or Saturday nights. I think this will be stimulus enough to keep her on track and a much better choice than removing her from dance. She also has a new boyfriend. We'll probably limit them to one date/week this semester. I think thats plenty, since they see each other every day in school.

DD is on-board with this program. She was relieved that we didn't take away her dance, show choir, and spring musical performances (we had not even mentioned it, but she had already imagined the worst. )

 

[kacaju]

That sounds like a great plan!!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

UPDATE-- I think DH and I have come to a consensus. We have decided NOT to punish DD16 for failing algebra 2, even though we did tell her in 9th grade that dance would have to go if she failed classes. It doesn't matter whether she was the only one who failed or if everyone failed--she did her best and it wasn't good enough. It doesn't make good sense to punish her for not understanding algebra. I don't understand algebra either, but nobody has punished me for it.

I talked to her guidance counselor today and she concurred that the online class would probably work for DD given that she has good self-management skills. She was also concerned about the idea of giving up dance because DD plans to major in dance and theater. So I felt better after talking with her.

Here's the plan: Dance will continue. It is her life. She needs to stick with it least for the next 1-1/2 years until she goes to college. For her, dance education is probably as important as algebra, Latin, and lit.

DD is now signed up for the online class. The program requires that she log in at least 4 times a week for at least 2 hours a day. She can work on it 7 days a week on her own schedule. She has to meet a few "live chat" classes for test credit. DD16 understands and agrees with this.

DD as offered to help pay for the class. She has $2000 in her savings. I think I will let her do that, but if she does well I'll replace the money at the end.

DDis not allowed to get a part-time job other than pet-sitting within the neighborhood.

And the piece d'resistance--DD will be allowed to attend a sleepover once a month only. She has 4 BFFs and they spend a lot of time together; it isn't unusual for them to sleep over at one of their homes on Friday or Saturday nights. I think this will be stimulus enough to keep her on track and a much better choice than removing her from dance. She also has a new boyfriend. We'll probably limit them to one date/week this semester. I think thats plenty, since they see each other every day in school.

DD is on-board with this program. She was relieved that we didn't take away her dance, show choir, and spring musical performances (we had not even mentioned it, but she had already imagined the worst. )

You sound like a great Mom!! What an excellent solution!

 

[Shutterbug]

I think that is an excellent plan

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I think you and your DH have come up with a very reasonable, thoughtful solution, and that you've set a wonderful example of problem-solving for your DD. I totally agree with you that punishing your DD for not understanding algebra is completely counter-productive, especially when those consequences might affect her future career.

Overall, I think you win the DIS mom award for the week

 

[wdwfan16]

I sounds like a good soluton. I hope it works.

 

[minkydog]

I think you and your DH have come up with a very reasonable, thoughtful solution, and that you've set a wonderful example of problem-solving for your DD. I totally agree with you that punishing your DD for not understanding algebra is completely counter-productive, especially when those consequences might affect her future career.

Overall, I think you win the DIS mom award for the week

You obviously haven't read my other post "OMG, Christian just tumbled down the stairs!" Bad mother, bad bad mother

 

[disneyhand]

I think you won't ever regret the fact that you were flexible in this situation.

I hope that you also let your dd know how much the fact that she is such a great kid influenced your decision.

 

[DizBelle]

Minkydog, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think you're probably the best mom around. Your kids may not be perfect but you handle every challenge thrown at you with grace and intelligence and I hope the other moms on the DIS read your posts and learn something from them.

I think it is FANTASTIC that you realized that perhaps the punishment for your DD wasn't suited to the situation and you were willing to revisit it and revise it. BRAVA!!!

And, NO, you are not a bad mom because Christian fell down the stairs. The poor kid probably doesn't realize how big and ungainly he is. You can't be by his side 24/7 and now one would expect you too. We just have to hope that when he does have these mishaps that they result in little or no injury and that he recovers quickly and well (which it seems like he did in the tumbling down the stairs event).

 

[golfgal]

You obviously haven't read my other post "OMG, Christian just tumbled down the stairs!" Bad mother, bad bad mother

No, you just have all your bases covered

Sounds like a good solution.

 

[mjkacmom]

Great job mom (and dad)! Your solution is above reproach from even the snarkiest DIS's here. Your dd seems to be a wonderful young woman (who might struggle in math - she can join my club!).

 

[clh2]

Yeah...sounds like a win-win solution...assuming that your DD nails this class (OK - at least gets a passing grade

I am also glad to hear you didn't take away the dance prgrams she is in
Thanks for the update!

 

[redlight]

I think the plan you reached with your daughter is excellent.

 

[robinb]

Awesome !

The only the I might change (but NOT tell her) is that if she gets GOOD grades in the online class I would increase her sleepovers to 2 times a month as a positive reinforcement.

 

[minkydog]

Awesome !

The only the I might change (but NOT tell her) is that if she gets GOOD grades in the online class I would increase her sleepovers to 2 times a month as a positive reinforcement.

Actually, we decided to reserve that rule. There is an "observation" mode with the online class--we'll be able to check periodicallly and make sure the work is being done. If we see that she is consistently not meeting her obligations we will institute some restrictions on friends. DD is usually very conscientious about her school stuff, so we're going to give her a chance.

It also helps that she's got a $550 stake in the game.

 

[minkydog]

I think you won't ever regret the fact that you were flexible in this situation.

I hope that you also let your dd know how much the fact that she is such a great kid influenced your decision.

Thanks. Sometimes I need a reality check. I've been a mother for 23 years and sometimes I still don't know what I'm doing.

Minkydog, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think you're probably the best mom around. Your kids may not be perfect but you handle every challenge thrown at you with grace and intelligence and I hope the other moms on the DIS read your posts and learn something from them.

I think it is FANTASTIC that you realized that perhaps the punishment for your DD wasn't suited to the situation and you were willing to revisit it and revise it. BRAVA!!!

And, NO, you are not a bad mom because Christian fell down the stairs. The poor kid probably doesn't realize how big and ungainly he is. You can't be by his side 24/7 and now one would expect you too. We just have to hope that when he does have these mishaps that they result in little or no injury and that he recovers quickly and well (which it seems like he did in the tumbling down the stairs event).

I tell you what, Lisa. You can be the president of my fan club. Christian's face is a little messed up tonight--his lips have that lovely Lisa Rinna look. and his poor nose. sheesh! Tonight he's channeling Johnny Depp in his size 18 skull and crossbones blanket sleeper.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Actually, we decided to reserve that rule. There is an "observation" mode with the online class--we'll be able to check periodicallly and make sure the work is being done. If we see that she is consistently not meeting her obligations we will institute some restrictions on friends. DD is usually very conscientious about her school stuff, so we're going to give her a chance.

It also helps that she's got a $550 stake in the game.

At this point I would also look for a tutor. She may need one or she may not however if she is having trouble and has hit the "math wall" get her a tutor right away that she clicks with.

I am glad you decided not to pull her dance. Your proposal is more than fair. Good Luck!

 

[englishteacha]

Did you ever find out how many other kids didn't pass? I know as a teacher if a majority of my students fail, it's MY fault, not theirs. (Unless they all just didn't do the assignment...that's their fault. )

I think your plan with your DD is a good one. I also hope Christian is feeling better! (When I was little, I attended my sister's wedding with a black eye, fat lip, and many ugly bruises because I fell down the stairs the morning of the wedding. I feel his pain!)