Domestic abuse survivors, does it get easier?

[MrsCobraBubbles]

A recent incident made me realize I'm not ok. I was married for almost 16 years to an abusive man. I left and I've talked about that before on this board and don't really want to go into details but it's necessary to mention for this post.

I kind of thought I was doing ok, I've hung out in mixed groups of people without issue. Recently though, there's been a couple incidents. I was cat-sitting for a friend and her boyfriend showed up while i was cleaning the litter box at her house and I went into instant panic mode. I just stood there hyperventilating and believe me, if I could have easily climbed out the bathroom window the second I heard his voice, I would have. I know this guy, he's perfectly nice and has never hurt my friend and they've been dating for 4 years. Then another friend was supposed to come over for dinner with her husband, but she got caught up at work and sent her husband over by himself. She called to tell me this about the same time he was pulling in my driveway so I couldn't tell her no. I invited him in but I was shaking so hard that I had a difficult time pulling my chair out to sit down at the table with him. And then I was hanging with a friend at her house and time got away from us, she looked at the clock and said, "(husband) is gonna kill me" because it was getting late and she hadn't put the kids to bed and I instantly start trembling and I feel that fear kick in.

I was not this afraid of men when I was married. It's like my brain has decided that all men are the boogeyman. Im honestly worried my brain is wired that way now. If you've been in that situation and managed to get out, how long was it before you weren't scared anymore?

 

[Traveling on cc points]

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
Have you tried talking with a therapist that specializes in DV? Maybe a support group with other women in your area that have gone through similar things.
I wish you all the luck in the world getting through this tough time.

 

[JulieBeeRN]

I was married for 11 years and divorced in 2001. It’s not easy but I finally got to a healthy space with myself, current husband and life in general. I used to flinch, if someone turned to fast towards me and had absolutely zero ability to have a disagreement with men. I would just immediately shut down and my mind/body was freeze. It was horrible. It probably took me a good 10-15 years before I felt like I was overcoming my fears & insecurities.

I still have flashback moments, but feel pretty good and safe for the most part. It helped that I married a wonderful man who was very patient with me. He actually ”taught” me how to argue and jokingly said that he shouldn’t have. Lol.

I’ve been there, and for me it did eventually get better. ((((Hugs))))

 

[Pea-n-Me]

First, hugs. What you are experiencing can be a form of PTSD. Your responses are triggered by things you can’t control in your brain that occur in the face of triggering memories and new potential threats as a result of what happened to you. I will send you an article via PM because some of the language is not appropriate for this forum, but I hope it helps. For others reading, it involves recognizing symptoms of anxiety and learning/working to reduce those symptoms. Counseling and other forms of self-help can improve this. Some people find helping others can help, too, but that’s an individual choice and may not be right for everyone. Good luck with this.

 

[Karin1984]

Yes, your brain rewired to survive and it takes time and effort to undo this. It is possible, but you probably cannot do it alone. The sooner you can get help, the better. It will save you years of trying to do it alone.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

A recent incident made me realize I'm not ok. I was married for almost 16 years to an abusive man. I left and I've talked about that before on this board and don't really want to go into details but it's necessary to mention for this post.

I kind of thought I was doing ok, I've hung out in mixed groups of people without issue. Recently though, there's been a couple incidents. I was cat-sitting for a friend and her boyfriend showed up while i was cleaning the litter box at her house and I went into instant panic mode. I just stood there hyperventilating and believe me, if I could have easily climbed out the bathroom window the second I heard his voice, I would have. I know this guy, he's perfectly nice and has never hurt my friend and they've been dating for 4 years. Then another friend was supposed to come over for dinner with her husband, but she got caught up at work and sent her husband over by himself. She called to tell me this about the same time he was pulling in my driveway so I couldn't tell her no. I invited him in but I was shaking so hard that I had a difficult time pulling my chair out to sit down at the table with him. And then I was hanging with a friend at her house and time got away from us, she looked at the clock and said, "(husband) is gonna kill me" because it was getting late and she hadn't put the kids to bed and I instantly start trembling and I feel that fear kick in.

I was not this afraid of men when I was married. It's like my brain has decided that all men are the boogeyman. Im honestly worried my brain is wired that way now. If you've been in that situation and managed to get out, how long was it before you weren't scared anymore?

First, yes, it does get easier. It doesn't completely go away, but you will be ok most days.

Second, you need to go to therapy. It will help you recover quicker. Don't tough it out; I tried that and in the end, I did need to go to therapy. I learned some coping mechanisms, and some things about myself.

TW-----------abuse, CSA------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I've talked about it on here before; I was SA as a child, 42ish years ago. I was abused by my first husband...physically, emotionally and mentally, 32ish years ago.

I still have days where I can't let DH touch me, even to hold my hand. I still have days where DH will do something like raise his arm while he's talking passionately about something (and not being angry in the slightest, it could be something like he's excited over finding a tall shower at a hotel) and I find myself flinching away. I still have nightmares on occasion; I still cannot watch shows where there is CSA; they send me into a panic. I am get angry at shows with DV in them, when the people being abused stay.

But....
Those days are fewer and far between now.
Things do get better.
They don't go completely away, but they do tuck away.

Be strong, go get help. You can do this.

 

[MamaMermaid]

No advice but lots of sympathy. Perhaps therapy may help? Sending you hugs.

 

[kymom99]

I would most definitely get counseling. I’ve not suffered the abuse you have, but I did have a bad accident. It took a long time to get over it and feel comfortable driving again. I talked to my doctor and he said I had to put time between myself and the event. It took about a year and I still find myself flinching occasionally over 2 years after the fact. What you went through will take longer. Ask your family and friends to be mindful, and get the help of a professional.

How long has it been since you have been out of the relationship?

 

[LuvOrlando]

You are healing

When the constant stress of mistreatment is gone there will be a stillness. In the stillness there are echo waves of events that crash over you because you never dealt with things. This is a vulnerable time and some people do turn to other bad choices as a distraction to keep the movement which allows them to not feel so I agree that you should strongly consider therapy as you move through this time.

Things do improve but first you need to learn to live in the calm and that is going to feel very unnatural for a while. Over time you will learn your triggers and be able to control your own well being by opting out of situations that are a problem but you don't even know yourself well enough to do that just yet. You are getting to know yourself, be kind to yourself & give yourself permission to be imperfect. Most of all pay attention to every new moment of peace, for me happiness is the simple absence of awful so I am happy way more often than most people I meet. I choose to interpret this as a blessing.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Sending you . You're not alone. There are more people (women and men) that have similar experiences. You're brave to bring it up. I agree with the others that say that you might want to see a therapist to help you learn to cope.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Sending you a as well.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I would most definitely get counseling. I’ve not suffered the abuse you have, but I did have a bad accident. It took a long time to get over it and feel comfortable driving again. I talked to my doctor and he said I had to put time between myself and the event. It took about a year and I still find myself flinching occasionally over 2 years after the fact. What you went through will take longer. Ask your family and friends to be mindful, and get the help of a professional.

How long has it been since you have been out of the relationship?

I feel like it's been too long to still be having such strong reactions, I think we separated in 2016? and there's been no contact since Christmas of 2017. I'm looking for a counselor, there's a bit of a shortage where I'm at but luckily I'm near enough to a major city that I've got some options.

 

[abdmom]

5-6 years is not that long. It took me over 10 years to even start to deal with the PTSD from my husband's death, with help. I had been abused as a child and that took decades to recover from.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Very sorry to hear this, @MrsCobraBubbles. 's I agree with others, seeing a therapist, maybe joining a support group. I do think your reactions are normal for all you have been through. Working through them needs help.

 

[lifesavacation]

I am not a domestic abuse survivor, but do have a significant history of childhood trauma. PTSD is odd, in that you can be fine for years and then something makes it bubble to the surface. It might be the way your mind protected itself at the time.

Agree with the others. You might benefit from a therapist or support group. There's also some good research to show that EMDR is helpful with PTSD. I would love to give that a try, but it's really difficult to find a skilled EMDR therapist.

 

[kymom99]

I feel like it's been too long to still be having such strong reactions, I think we separated in 2016? and there's been no contact since Christmas of 2017. I'm looking for a counselor, there's a bit of a shortage where I'm at but luckily I'm near enough to a major city that I've got some options.

You could do online therapy. That has become much more common recently.

 

[DLgal]

I am not a domestic abuse survivor, but do have a significant history of childhood trauma. PTSD is odd, in that you can be fine for years and then something makes it bubble to the surface. It might be the way your mind protected itself at the time.

Agree with the others. You might benefit from a therapist or support group. There's also some good research to show that EMDR is helpful with PTSD. I would love to give that a try, but it's really difficult to find a skilled EMDR therapist.

My husband has combat PTSD and has done several EMDR sessions and says it helps a lot.

 

[fly girl]

I have no sage words of wisdom, just a hug .

 

[Pink Partridge]

A recent incident made me realize I'm not ok. I was married for almost 16 years to an abusive man. I left and I've talked about that before on this board and don't really want to go into details but it's necessary to mention for this post.

I kind of thought I was doing ok, I've hung out in mixed groups of people without issue. Recently though, there's been a couple incidents. I was cat-sitting for a friend and her boyfriend showed up while i was cleaning the litter box at her house and I went into instant panic mode. I just stood there hyperventilating and believe me, if I could have easily climbed out the bathroom window the second I heard his voice, I would have. I know this guy, he's perfectly nice and has never hurt my friend and they've been dating for 4 years. Then another friend was supposed to come over for dinner with her husband, but she got caught up at work and sent her husband over by himself. She called to tell me this about the same time he was pulling in my driveway so I couldn't tell her no. I invited him in but I was shaking so hard that I had a difficult time pulling my chair out to sit down at the table with him. And then I was hanging with a friend at her house and time got away from us, she looked at the clock and said, "(husband) is gonna kill me" because it was getting late and she hadn't put the kids to bed and I instantly start trembling and I feel that fear kick in.

I was not this afraid of men when I was married. It's like my brain has decided that all men are the boogeyman. Im honestly worried my brain is wired that way now. If you've been in that situation and managed to get out, how long was it before you weren't scared anymore?

I am going to go at this from a different angle. I think both instances warranted a bit of fear. Perhaps not hyperventilation, but they were perhaps situations where Spidey Senses should kick in.

I was severely attacked by a dog many years ago. It took me YEARS to even look at a dog (other than my own). To this day, I am wary of most large dogs. Not as afraid as I once was, but not running up to them and asking to pet like pre attack, I was too lax with my affection pre attack. I SHOULD have had some fear.

I liken your abuser to an attacking dog. It's ok to have discomfort around a man popping in unexpectedly, especially if you don't know them very well. Let your instincts run the show for a while. And be ok with the way you feel. It will ease over time. And if not, perhaps some therapy. But it's ok to feel what you are feeling. Hugs to you.

 

[VFL]

I am not a domestic violence abuse survivor. However, I have been a family law attorney for 25 years so I have had clients who have experienced this. I believe you would definitely benefit from some therapy - whether it’s individual or a group support setting. While I don’t have any personal experience or professional advice I do hope you understand (1) you were a victim and never deserved anything that was done to you and, (2) how strong and courageous you were just by removing yourself from that situation. As others have said, it Is ok to feel what you are feeling.