Does Your Child Attend an Exclusive School?

[FOV]

My question: How do middle class kids fare in exclusive schools?

Background: We love our town and have happily lived here for nearly 12 years. My oldest child is in 5th grade. Unfortunately our school is underfunded and needs an override that our town refuses to vote in.

DH and I have researched other school systems in our area and we found a first class public school 30 minutes away. This town has an excellent track record of generously funding their schools and has been ranked in the top for years and years. They offer many extra curricular programs, great sports, good music and arts program, advanced classes etc.... The school is also pretty small with only about 1,000 students.

The Problem: As with many wonderful schools this town is very wealthy. $3 million homes can not be built fast enough to keep up with demand. We are a solid middle class family and we are concerned that our kids will not be able to fit in.

The town has a core of smaller homes built in the 1950's and we would buy a home in one of these modest neighborhoods. Our house will be about half the size of our current home but that does not bother us.

Are you a middle class family that sends your child to an exclusive private school or have you bought a home in a wealthy town? Do your kids fit in? Do the high school kids drive themselves to school in brand new BMW's while your kids take the bus? Is this an issue for your kids or could they care less?

Any feedback would be great. Thanks!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

We are a middle class family and we send our kids to what I consider an exclusive religious school, there is only l school more exclusiver than this one. We do it for both the religious reasons and our school district is very unsafe for high school, drugs, gangs etc. I also dont believe in the teaching philosophy of the public middle school, open classrooms, sit on floors, no desks etc. I heard they are doing away with this, also now they want bilingual classes for the little kids. I didnt realize just how exclusive this school was until the kids got there. It seems o.k. on the outside, but we have run into issues where everyone has cell phones, i pods, designer clothes, vacation houses etc, big birthday partys, sweet 16's etc and the every popular phrases , well so and so has this, so and so parents bought them that etc. I said, well unfortunately we dont have alot of money growing on our money tree etc. I drive a 13 year old van, but dh does have a new one. Everyone there has big cars etc. I told the ds, we are not keeping up with the joneses, too bad etc. live with it, our ds seemed to be well liked at the school and the one ds told me oldest ds has the 2nd best car of the seniors. Its a used one no less and we bought it for him because he is going to a commuter college and works in the summer etc. I am trying to teach my kids that material things just arent so important, its more your character, personality etc. They had an auction and my ds said, oh dont go there because all the rich parents will bid too much for everything etc. If you like the school then it will probably be worth the sacrifice. Good luck.

 

[SandraVB79]

Can't really answer your question except this:

I got into this exclusive management school in Belgium for a non-executive MBA. All other students of my class were from very rich families (all the "big" names of Belgium were present) or they were international (very good for the international rating of the school) and then there was me (because they need one person that's from middle-class, so that they can say it's not only for the rich snobs, lol)

I did pass the exam with my "head" and not with my "wallet". But I never did fit in. Although I paid as much as them for tuition etc, they never accepted me, because I didn't drive the right car (sorry, my parents don't have the means to give me a brand new Porsch the day after I drive my almost brand new BMW total loss!) (they don't have the means to give me that BMW either)
I didn't wear the right clothes (no Armani for me at that time then, needed the money for tuition), didn't have the right purse (Delvaux & Vuitton), etc etc etc

It was very childish and so, but there was nothing I could change about. In my case, also going out with teh group as difficult, because I couldn't keep up with drinking champagne at exclusive bars (I can keep up with the drinking, I couldn't keep up with the bill)

Unfortunately, in these days, those things are very important

 

[CathrynRose]

Are you a middle class family that sends your child to an exclusive private school or have you bought a home in a wealthy town? Do your kids fit in? Do the high school kids drive themselves to school in brand new BMW's while your kids take the bus? Is this an issue for your kids or could they care less?

Any feedback would be great. Thanks!

I *rent* in an obnoxiously expensive suburb, and have my kids going to school with kids whom live in muli-million dollar mansions.

They -do- fit in. Kids are kids. My oldest will be a sophmore next year. Just about all his friends, although they come from more money, theyre the same as him - and wont be getting new BMW's when they get their liscenses.

 

[fabumouse]

We moved into a small town with a great public school system, even though we bought one of the smaller homes (and the smallest on our street). The support that the school system gets from the parents in terms of money, time and energy cannot be matched in any of the surrounding school systems.

My DD is young, so I cannot speak to cars quite yet, but the parents all have different attitudes about their wealth. Some buy new cars every year and make a point of wearing fur in the winter. Some buy from Lands' End and spend most of their money on travel and you wouldn't know they live in the $3 million house until you went over for a playdate.

I'm nervous about what these kids are going to be like in high school, but the middle school kids are kind and generous (we run into them all the time around town) - and I think that one benefit of having so many resources *can* be that there's less energy going into a struggle for the basics. It depends on the parents and the school. If the school has a great reputation for being a wonderful place to be, there's a good chance the community has a strong value system.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[RUDisney]

I can give you my perspective, as a person who went to an exclusive HS but wasn't middle class. We were POOR! The tuition in 1980 was $1,100 per year and I had a $900 scholarship, based on need, and my parents paid the $200 that they had to on a monthly basis.

I fit in perfectly. I didn't need to have the alligator shirts and the whale turtlenecks. I was there because my eye was on the "prize"... a better education than I could get from a local public school and better contacts that I could use later.

I got a hand-me-down car when I was 16. I only got it because my Dad had rigged it to work and he and I were the only ones who knew how to drive it. He installed a manual choke on it. It was a 1969 Plymouth Satellite. I could fit myself and 9 friends in that car comfortably. My Dad had bondo'd the rust holes after he used old aluminum siding and pop-rivots to keep the holes covered. My friends and I called it my tank. It had battle wounds.

There was the select few that looked down on us poor kids. They were in the minority. One thing I could never be accused of was not being confident. I think that helped, too. I got involved in many activities and could honestly say that I was friends with the biggest brainiacs and the dumbest jocks in the school.

My parents never worried about how we would fit in with the rich kids. My Dad used to say that I could find a rich boy to love just the same as a poor one.

Age is a great equalizer. Those who came from money years ago are the same people that we see at the better restaurants and at the area country clubs.

The school served me very well. I'm glad that it will be there for my kids, too. It was everything that I wanted it to be then, and now.

 

[barkley]

2 perspectives here.

the public high school i went to was built about 3 years before i began attending, and the "power people" (read very wealthy) in the area made sure that the areas they lived in were zoned such that their kids attended. there were a few pockets of middle and lower middle class that got zoned as well (primarily because they were either adjacent to the school or had been waiting DECADES to have their kids not endure quite so long a bus trip). there was a tremendous "class difference" between the kids-while this was not in a time when cars were a great indicator (we had a very small parking lot so most kids even if they had cars did'nt bother to drive them) it was quite obvious who the wealthier kids were (and they made sure everyone knew). it got to be realy difficult when the privledged majority pushed for high end (costly) activities that excluded the rest (as in very costly school dances, senior functions, extracurriculars that involved providing your own costume or uniform). the parents did not help the situation when they backed these notions with the argument "why should my child be disadvantaged by virtue of 'THEIR' (our) social circumstances". it was not the well rounded highschool experience that most others i know have had.

my kids have attended private/christian schools all their lives. one in our area has a reputation for being "elite" (could argue against it because they've grown such that they've gobbled up the majority of the market so there are few alternatives), and they tout that uniforms is the great equalizer in addressing these types of issues. we (and many other parents) have'nt seen it this way-the very wealthy are still what i would call a "privelidged class" within the school and easily recognized by virtue of their constant public naming (via newsletters and plaques on/in buildings) as "generous benefactors/supporters" during fund raising drives and the like. they often take over leadership of committees and stucture events such that they are high dollar doings that exclude alot of students/families but the school does'nt complain because they are attended/supported by bsns. associates of the organizers. by virtue of parents holding key spots on committees-the children of the same are generaly also key players in whatever activity is associated with their parent's committee work (cheerleading, campus government, representatives to local and national events/conferences) so it's pretty clear cut where someone stands financialy. in high school it gets worse since they abandon the concept of uniforms all together and the kids are allowed to bring private autos on campus.

my kids now attend a small christian school that has no uniforms and a very conservative dress code (restrictive to the point that most costly clothing is not-modesty wise and by virtue of no sport team logos-viable for wearing). they are elite by no means and while i know we have some VERY wealthy kids attending, we also have alot that are on financial assistance via the supporting church. what i find amazing is that while the other school touts it's academic achievements (by virtue of publicizing their test results and percentages of kids going on to higher education), our students actualy test out much higher and have a much greater number to go on to top colleges.

i would explore what educational alternatives there are to uprooting your family-some private schools unconcerned with public appearance and "status" keep their tuition at very nominal levels (example-the other school's tuition/fees/books/BASIC activity fees would run close to $800/$1000 per month, ours is ALL INCLUSIVE for less than $300 per month). i've also known some parents/students to absolutly love the offerings of charter schools in their areas.

 

[LukenDC]

I will add my personal experience from college. I grew up in a lower middle class family and attended a public high school in a small rural California town. Due to my family's economic situation, I never left California until I was 18 and went to college.

I was very fortunate to be admitted to Yale with a very generous (i.e. almost free) need-based financial aid package. My parents were proud of me, but also a bit concerned that I would be out of my league at such an exclusive university. The short story is that I loved Yale, met lots of students who had backgrounds much more modest than my own, and never once felt judged by my socio-economic status.

Not everyone who goes to an elite private school is a snob and many of the private schools are much more diverse than you might think. Find out as much as you can about the student body. What is the economic profile of the average student? Does the school offer any type of financial aid? What is the racial demographic of the student body.

 

[KarenC]

We live in a town with a highly regarded public high school. New homes in our area start at about $1.2 million. Older, unimproved homes regularly sell for a half million and are torn down for new construction.

When we moved to town we bought the best house we could afford. It's an older home on a busy street. It was more important to us to have access to the schools and the park district in this community than it was to have a nicer home in an area with poor schools and parks.

My kids have friends with much more than they have. They also have friends with much less. The high school newspaper recently ran back to back stories about over-the-top houses that some of the students live in. Kind of like a high school version of Architectural Digest. The editors got letters from the students who pointed out that kids who live in nice houses aren't any better than the rest of the student body. There are kids who drive brand new Lexus' and kids who are proud to drive beaters they paid for themselves. For the most part, kids in the school are comfortable with themselves.

I would see if you can find people who live in that community to see how they feel about it. If the girls feel like they have to have a Prada or Kate Spade purse to be accepted, keep looking. If they're not so shallow, go for it. I'm glad we did.

 

[tar heel]

My older sons spent five years at a private school where they would have been among the least wealthy students. At this school, the doctors and lawyers are the moderate income people. My younger son had no major problems and went to some incredible birthday parties, but he was little. My older had some very snobby girls in his middle school class, but that could have happened any where. I raised a few eyebrows during a discussion about the eighth grade class trip. I don't think this would have been a good place for my younger child in high school. This school has also become "richer" in recent years and pulls from a fairly broad geographic area. High school tuition there costs more than we're paying to send our oldest to college -- and that includes dorm and meal plan as well as tuition and fees.

While there were lots of BMWs in our high school (public, upper income area) parking lot, it is still a more diverse student body.

I think you have to weigh all the issues, and this is just one of them. If your public schools are truly bad, then there are probably other people who choose this school. That would mean the school is really more diverse than it might appear on the surface.

 

[budbeerlady]

My daughter is attending a priv. school. I drop her off at school in my rusty old 1986 Buick, behind the soccer moms and the Hummer drivers. I am very proud that we can send her there! The public school is dismal at best in our area, my taxes are low (only $700 a year for a 5yr old home on 10 acres, gives you an idea of how little the school is getting) and we knew when we moved that she wouldnt go to school there.

My parents struggeled and sent all 3 of us to priv school also. Most of the kids did get new cars when they turned 16, I rode the bus. I still have great friends from school. The rich brats just grow up to be older fat rich brats. But you will have over privelaged (sp.) kids in any school system. If it is the best education for your child go for it! Kids are kids, they make friends and they dont care what the parents make a year.