Does marriage counseling work? I'm desperate

[faithinkarma]

This comes straight from the heart....get yourself to a counsellor. If he won't go, then at least you will have someone to help you deal with whatever lies ahead.

Some people see accepting help as weakness. But sometimes, no matter how determined you are to be strong, all you can do without help is spin your wheels.

I am sending good thoughts your way.

 

[Pop Daddy]

men dont like counceling, but you hang in there

 

[MosMom]

I just wanted to wish you well no matter what happens. I might ask him what so many years of marriage is worth to him and what a few sessions of counseling would hurt? That is a big investment to just throw out the window without trying to salvage it. You said you thought he might be depressed...perhaps he is. Perhaps depression is clouding his judgement regarding your marriage. Just a thought.

 

[Sugarbaby]

I do think he is depressed.But how do I get him to be evaluated? He has seen the EAP counselor thru work,and he says all she has told him is to be honest with me. He had started going to her because of work pressures (he's in Homeland Security among other duties) and just started talking to her about our marriage. We went to some very bad counselers when my older kids from a previous marriage were teenagers. Some of the advise was detrimental and made things worse. I would think she would see that he's not sleeping,eating,etc and advise him to see someone about that. His MD did give him something to help him sleep,but he doesn't take it. I'm sure he didn't tell him about his feelings of isolation,etc. But getting him to see someone about this stuff will be tough. Thanks for your responses,esp. for taking the time to pm me. I will keep trying without driving him completely away with nagging and badgering. I just think there is really something fixable about this.

 

[Micca]

No personal experience on this one, but give the therapy a shot. It might help the marriage, and if not(worst case scenario) it could help you deal with what you are going through. Sure hope things work out for you.

 

[poohandwendy]

From my own experience, it can only work if both people desperately want it to work and are willing to try anythin to accomplish it. Sadly, both people are not on the same page at the same time, every time. Prepare yourself for either event, you will need it your strength. So sorry to hear you are hurting.

Keep talking, but remember that you want him there if he wants to be there. Anything less would be empty for you both.

 

[LvsTnk]

Hugs to you!!!

 

[Sugarbaby]

I am certainly going to therapy. My Mom died three weeks ago of cancer and I took care of her while she was dying. I knew something was wrong with our marriage,but had to take care of my Mom and Dad. Dad wanted me to clean out all her stuff before I came home,as he couldn't do it. No one helped me go thru all those drawers and closets. It was so painful,and knowing that something bad was going on and I just didn't know exactly what made it even worse. I know I need help,and am going to call the EAP counselor Monday. Too much grief in too short a period. Thanks for all your good wishes. I am exhausted as I have not slept or eaten in I don't know how long,so I'm going to try to lie down. To all those who think they might have a problem,for God's sake try to take care of it before it explodes like mine did. You are all good people and I appreciate the thoughts,advice,and pms. Won't drag this thread out any longer. Thanks again!

 

[Robinrs]

Good for you to know that you need to talk to someone. Mayber your counselor can help you convince him to go.

Whatever the outcome continue to have faith. Death and divorce are closely related and your experiences can either can break or make you. Hold on, you can survive this.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[newholiday]

We went to counseling over 10yrs ago. This Oct we will have been married 23 yrs (-1yr divorced). Im heading back to my doctor tomorrow.

 

[house_of_princesses]

Somone once told me that anyone who is considering divorce should go to a divorce support group. See what the reality of divorce really is. A previous poster said something about pointing out visitation, holiday schedules, dealing w/ each other once or twice a week at least. Same concept.

When are minds are clouded, we don't always see things for what they really are. Speak with love and a gentle spirit.

Blessings to you.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

Sugarbaby:
I am certainly no expert but in reading this thread it seems as though you have been forced (by no fault of your own) to spend the last few years putting other family members ahead of your marriage. Could it be that your husband just needs to feel important to you again? While counselling is a step in the right direction, maybe you and your husband can go away together for a few days to try and mend the relationship without any other distractions. You need to have an opportunity to remember what it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. I sincerely hope you find a way to make things work...you seem like a giving person that deserves some happiness. Good Luck!

 

[Esmerelda]

Speaking from experience: I divorced several years ago myself. We had been married for over 15 years and I was totally not in love with my husband, heck..in fact I didn't even like him. There was no one else involved on my part either. He suggested marriage counseling but you know what...marriage counseling is NOT going to bring back love. It might help you sort thru feelings about the situation but it won't bring back love. I'm glad I got out when I did and I did not waste my time with a counselor. I am happier now than I've ever been in my entire life.
You need to look at the big picture before making any decisions.

Would you want to remain w/someone that doesn't love you?

If he has a depression problem, then he needs treatment for his own sake. Depression can lead to many many bad things unfortunately.

hugs to you...best of luck,
Esmerelda

 

[Microcell]

As Dr Laura would say to your husband,"did you fall out of love with your kids?? What did they do to deserve this. Who cares about love, you promised to be a husband and father. Love would be nice but your kids did nothing to deserve losing their family just because you don't have lovey feelings anymore. Be a man and live up to your responsibilities" Maybe love will follow with work.


You can't force him to stay, but feel free to print this posting and give it to him. I am a child of divorce and my parents wrecked me. He needs to see the bigger picture. Visitation and money coming in are not enough. A child needs his or her father, in the home. Your kids will know who the parent to blame is, without ever saying a negative word. If he puts his kids through all that pain he will not only be losing a wife, but mark my words, he will lose his kids in mind of not physically (custody wise I mean), It is not just some abstract feeling of sadness kids go through, it wrecks them, the pain is immense. I am sorry for you and your kids that he is doing this. I apologise for the shock value of my posting, but maybe it will be helpful.

For people who strongly disagree with what I just said, I am not saying to use your kids as a barganing chip. I am saying to remind him that he made a comitment. An honorable person would live up to his promises. What ever happened to doing the right thing for your entire family. If there were no kids or an Alcohol, Addiction or Abuse problem I would not be saying the above.

 

[PKK/MJK]

Oh, Sugarbaby,

Your thread just brought tears to my eyes. While I can't be of any practical help, please know that you and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Hagred]

Originally posted by Microcell
As Dr Laura would say to your husband,"did you fall out of love with your kids?? What did they do to deserve this. Who cares about love, you promised to be a husband and father. Love would be nice but your kids did nothing to deserve losing their family just because you don't have lovey feelings anymore. Be a man and live up to your responsibilities" Maybe love will follow with work.


You can't force him to stay, but feel free to print this posting and give it to him. I am a child of divorce and my parents wrecked me. He needs to see the bigger picture. Visitation and money coming in are not enough. A child needs his or her father, in the home. Your kids will know who the parent to blame is, without ever saying a negative word. If he puts his kids through all that pain he will not only be losing a wife, but mark my words, he will lose his kids in mind of not physically (custody wise I mean), It is not just some abstract feeling of sadness kids go through, it wrecks them, the pain is immense. I am sorry for you and your kids that he is doing this. I apologise for the shock value of my posting, but maybe it will be helpful.

For people who strongly disagree with what I just said, I am not saying to use your kids as a barganing chip. I am saying to remind him that he made a comitment. An honorable person would live up to his promises. What ever happened to doing the right thing for your entire family. If there were no kids or an Alcohol, Addiction or Abuse problem I would not be saying the above.

So, in essense, what you're saying is force the man to live with a woman he no longer loves until the kids are out of the house? Yeah, that's a great example to set for children.

What I suspect will happen in that scenario is "no longer loves" will turn to outright hatred. What the children will witness is everything from disregarding the mother to cheating on the mother, giving her an excuse to take him to the cleaners.

You can't force others to do what you want them to. If you try (and succeed) in guilt-tripping them into doing what you want, the outcome would be so much worse than if you'd just left it alone in the first place.

Sugarbaby - you have my prayers and support.

 

[faithinkarma]

You can't force others to do what you want them to. If you try (and succeed) in guilt-tripping them into doing what you want, the outcome would be so much worse than if you'd just left it alone in the first place

Well said as usual Hagred

 

[Esmerelda]

"As Dr Laura would say to your husband,"did you fall out of love with your kids?? What did they do to deserve this. Who cares about love, you promised to be a husband and father. Love would be nice but your kids did nothing to deserve losing their family just because you don't have lovey feelings anymore. Be a man and live up to your responsibilities" Maybe love will follow with work."

I would totally have to DISAGREE with the above statement. Kids are not stupid, they know when parents aren't getting along. They know when mom and dad never touch each other or sleep in separate rooms...etc that there are major problems. I feel that's the worst example you could give your children about marriage because thats NOT how its supposed to be.

My boys are doing just great and its been almost 5 years now...to be honest, they have thanked me and they are almost 9 and 12. They said it was the best thing I ever did. Their father on the other hand (since divorce) has set some horrible examples for them. He has proven that he is never going to live up to his responsibilities as a father but he was the same when we were married. As I stated before: why in the world would you want to stay with someone that doesn't love you...what kind of life could that be?

Kids survive divorce, believe me. Two of my best friends are from divorced homes and they are great people and parents (in their 40's for the record). You have to do whats best for you...we all deserve to be happy.

(I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother also, that must have been really hard....my deepest condolences..sending you hugs across the miles)

Esmerelda

 

[Sugarbaby]

I have been very careful today in what I say. I have been non-confrontational and non-judgemental,no nagging,begging or crying. I have been to the Divorce Busters site as someone suggested and it has been very helpful in explaining that all the things you feel like doing (as above) are just the things that drive people away and closes down any chance of later dialog. We were best friends before we got married,and I will try to be as good a friend as he wants me to be. He said he thinks he has been depressed for a while and is going to see his doc this week. Also plans on seeing if there are any other positions open at his workplace. I feel a small bit of hope,and I will continue to do what I can to change things within myself that have contributed to our problems,but will not force anything between us. Thanks, guys. If anything good happens in the future,I will let you know.

 

[pajamommy]

I just recently divorced, and although the idea of people keeping their commitments to each other is ideal, if the other person just doesn't have love for the other anymore, why would you really want to be with that person? I wanted more than anything to keep my family intact, but it didn't work out that way. I think a lot of how children are affected by the divorce is dependant upon how their parents conduct themselves and treat each other during and after the divorce. My ex and I get along wonderfully, and no, it hasn't been a bed of roses, it was very difficult and sad at times and still is, but the bottom line is that we always put our kids first, which means that we are still a team raising them and loving them. Yes, it is unfortunate that we didn't stay married and continue to love each other in that way, but we do continue to respect each other and love each other as our children's mother/father. Sometimes divorce is inevitable, but if people can put their kids first, and act like adults throughout it all, it makes a tough situation much better.