Does marriage counseling ever work?

[peg2001]

Originally posted by missypie
Peggy, are your kids in school yet? I tolerated the mess and lack of home cooked food as long as at least one was at home all day.

It is also very very difficult to get the kids to pick up when daddy never ever does. "Why do my clothes have to be picked up when daddy doesn't have to pick up his?"

We had one in school but pulled her back out this year. So, while I'm at work, DD4, DD7, and DH are all busy making a mess at home.

I understand your frustration and I apologize if my earlier post seemed to lack compassion.

I'd recommend a physical and evaluation for your DH to see if he is suffering from depression. Other than that, a formal agreement on expectations is needed. Try a family chore chart, with EVERYONE contributing.

Peggy

 

[pw2pp]

Screw the Marriage Counseling idea, quit your job and make him go to work.

 

[missypie]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
Not to be rude, but how are things in "other" departments? QUOTE]

He does very little work and has gained 40 poinds since we were married...What woman wouldn't be driven wild with desire?

 

[Hillbeans]

Ok, well now we're getting somewhere. At least you're honest. 40 pounds is a lot to gain, and would go hand in hand with the possible depression he's got going on. I don't think any of us expect our spouse to look at 20 the way they do at 60, but just letting yourself go is a strain on many marriages. Let me ask you this though...if he were to lose the 40 pounds and get a job, would you still want to be with this person or is he just not the person you want to be with anymore?

 

[missypie]

I want him to lose weight, keep the house tidy and cook a decent meal at least every other night. He doesn't have to get a job.

 

[Hillbeans]

Ok then. Those sound like reasonable requests.

Perhaps he could join a gym. I just recently lost 30 pounds, went from a 12 to an 8, and as much as I hate working out somedays, the compliments and boost to my self esteem make me want to go more. Sometimes it just takes a push in the right direction to really make someone try to improve themselves. Maybe if he started working out, he'd have more energy for housework, etc.

Either way, I truly wish you the best. Good luck.

 

[pw2pp]

I was just offering that advice since he doesn't seem to be able to handle doing the "at home" stuff, that you could be the at-home person (since you are better at it) and he could go out and work. Maybe a switching of roles would help.

 

[missypie]

He actually spends the entirety of every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning at a health club...so he is a very fit overweight guy...

 

[missypie]

Originally posted by pw2pp
I was just offering that advice since he doesn't seem to be able to handle doing the "at home" stuff, that you could be the at-home person (since you are better at it) and he could go out and work. Maybe a switching of roles would help.

I'd love to be at home. But he's been at home a long time and I've been promoted quite a bit and if I quit my job and he got one it would involve at least an 85% cut in income.

 

[hentob]

I agree with the posters who say "depression". I mean, how could you even _like_ yourself if you were home all day, doing...well, nothing. There are many different types of meds that can help him. I wish you all good luck.

Hentob

 

[missypie]

I have to tell you something funny. He went for his physical a while back and happened to mention that there wasn't a lot of action going on at home (if you know what I mean). The doctor told him that I should see a doctor because maybe I'm depressed. To think this is funny you have to picture it: An unshaven guy in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt, with breasts and 3 chins, telling the doctor that his wife isn't turned on by him anymore...it could be a cartoon! And the [obviously male] doc says there must be something wrong with me!!!

 

[Hillbeans]

Maybe this is easier said than done, but life is very short. Sometimes it's easier to give advice than take others advice but maybe he's as unhappy as you are. Have you ever given him an ultimatum?

My mom, bless her heart, passed away last summer from a fast growing tumor in her gallbladder. I remember being 15, my brother being 17, and my dad was probably around 55. She had it with all of us, we weren't cleaning, or doing anything we should have been. She was fed up, packed a bag and went to the Holiday inn for 3 nights and we all begged her to come home. She said she would if we wouldn't make her the doormat anymore. It worked and we all tried harder.

 

[pw2pp]

Okay, well that makes sense, that is way too much of a pay-cut.

I don't think it is depression - people who are depressed don't work out at a gym 3 times per week.

 

[pw2pp]

Tell him that nothing turns you on like a clean house and a cooked meal.
Everytime he does a cleaning project, turn into a woman who's "hot-to-trot" and pounce all over him (just close your eyes and pretend he's Tom Cruise (or whoever).
You can make a game out of it, the cleaner the house, the more action. This might motivate him more and you may both end up enjoying it.

 

[jamsmom]

I agree with pw2pp!!!

 

[sharbear]

I am going to sound crazy here but I know a couple of stay at home dad's. The wife has a great job and they wanted someone to stay home with the kids. All of the men I know who are stay at home dad's are the best dad's. They do all kinds of volunteer work, they are really involved in their kids' lives and are I am sure are not depressed.

Their houses on the other hand, OMG they were so messy. I mean stuff everywhere, dirty clothes laying all over the house. It was unbelievable.

Missypie, I swear you are describing a SAHD that I know. Really to a T. Even to gaining alot of weight. He is not depressed. Keeping the house was just not a priority. He moved at the end of last year and one of his volunteer jobs, I took over. He put so much time on this. He called people all the time and worked really hard. I on the other hand have stuff to do. Such as keep my house clean, run errands, cook. Stuff I know he did not do. He was a great dad and a great volunteer.

I think that many women think that they are judged by how they keep the house, make meals, and take care of those in their family. I think that the SAHD that I know did not feel that same desire that I feel. He needed to be needed by others in the community.

I hope that I explained myself. I do feel sorry for you. I agree that I would like some standards in the house.

The SAHD's that I know do seem to not have the highest of self-esteem. They seem to want acceptance and they don't want to be known as a housewife.

 

[missypie]

I'm sure he'll live a lot longer than I will. To him a full day is: 9-noon - work out. 2-2:30 - read to kids at the elem. school 3:45 to 4 - drive kid to activity 5:30-5:45 pick kid up from activity

To me, that is 4 hours of activity in a 10 hour (7:45-5:45) time block (3 of which are working out). To him it is a packed day, into which he could not possibly squeeze house work or meal prep.

So back to my original question: Would marriage counseling help, or would the counselor tell me to live with the mess and be glad my kids have a good dad (albeit a dad who is setting a TERRIBLE example re cleanliness and nutrition)?

 

[mom2grace]

Have you had a discussion like this with your husband?

 

[Pop Daddy]

dump him

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some helpful advice to offer you! I just wanted to say I wish you the best and hope that you and DH will be able to make things better.

This may not be relevant to your situation at all, but have you heard of the book "The Five Love Languages"? DH and I have a solid and happy relationship in general, but we do have conflicts on some important points, and after reading "The Five Love Languages" I feel like I understand DH better and can work around our differences. Just a thought (not that you have time to read a book anyway!)

As for your question about marriage counseling, I say if your DH is agreeable to it and you can find a good and trustworthy counselor, why not give it a try?