Does marriage counseling ever work?

[missypie]

My DH has been a stay at home dad for over a decade. He has never cooked or cleaned. We have a cleaning lady who comes in every other week, but otherwise the house is a pig sty unless I clean...I really don't think it is fair for me to have to clean when I've worked all day and he has been at home. (The kids have been in school all day for years.) Food situation is terrible...he serves leftovers from what I've cooked over the weekend.

If I were giving him a job evaluation, he'd fail and be fired.

Can marriage counseling help this situation? I've always heard that you can't "change" your spouse, but that's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to be told to lower my standards - if I did that the health department would be at our house.

 

[DoeWDW]

When there are kids involved, I think you owe it to them to do everything you can to be happy in your marriage. If this is causing tension and unhappiness, then why not go to a counselor and talk about it. Be prepared, though, because counselors very rarely ask only 1 person to change......

 

[Lisa L from MI]

I don't know if it works, but
If your kids have been in school all day for years, is there a reason why DH is still at home?? If not, tell him to go out and .......oh, you know what I mean.......maybe there is a good reason and I am sorry if I am jumping to conclusions...

 

[CEDmom]

I think if both parties want to make it work than yes it does help. I know it might seem obvious that since your DH stays home he should be doing a good portion of "housework" especially since your kids are in school but when you decided on this arrangement did you discuss specifics? I know it might seem obvious to us females that the one who stays home should do this but mens brains work differently. I know my DH is willing to do chores but he rarely takes it upon himself to do it. I usually have to say "hey, would you mind helping me by doing X".

 

[GoofItUp]

I say definitely try the counseling. DH and I went through pre-marital counseling and, even though we didn't have any problems, the things we learned about one another and ourselves has been invaluable in our marriage. But, like another poster said, be ready for what the counselor might tell you as well.

 

[Christine]

I think it works of both parties are willing, but in the situation I'm not sure a "marriage" counselor is the right thing--maybe it is though. You don't say it but are there any other issues troubling you besides the chores? Usually marriage counselors work on deeper issues such as respect for each other, how one or both partners view the actual relationship, etc. I'm not sure they work on laziness/sloppiness--but of course if there are deeper, underlying issues than this might be the way to go.

 

[sue1013]

I have friends that went to counseling and yes it did help. Took a long time 2 years of ups and downs. You both have to go into it realizing there will need to be changes for the marriage to survive. As long as you are both open to that then it should be able to help. My brother and his wife went for counseling but didn't help since stubborn brother felt only his wife needed to change. Of course they are divorced.

 

[joats]

As a marriage and family therapist, YES I believe it would help. However I agree with a lot of what previous posters wrote. The therapist won't just change one of you, both have to agree to work in therapy, etc. In addition, going only on what you wrote in the OP I believe that the issue goes much deeper.

PM me if you need help finding a MFT in your area.

 

[disykat]

Yes, marriage counseling works. We found it very helpful in working out a tough situation in our lives (in laws). Sometimes an outside person can help - in my case the counselor really helped my dh see "my side" when all my efforts had failed.

I'm just guessing here - but could dh be depressed or something? It does seem pretty obvious to me that the SAH spouse should do the majority of the housework. I know that even as a SAH with kids in school you can keep really busy volunteering etc. (I am one), but I've never been so busy that I can't fit in basic household management. That's a big part of the point of one spouse staying home - to manage the household. If it's not being managed, you need to reevaluate.

It could be that you have very different standards - maybe dh doesn't want a clean house. A counselor could help you work out a compromise and help you sort out what jobs should go to who.

 

[letfuller]

Just sending you a

 

[missypie]

Thanks everyone. I know that if we go to counseling DH will paint me as the most compulsive neat-nik in the world...of course, in my ideal world, the house would be perfect...but c'mon...I leave the house in the morning and there is a pair of pants or a video in the middle of the family room floor - I come back home 9 hours later - the pants/video haven't moved.

I really think he's either depressed or the laziest person on earth. The thing is, if I spend 30 minutes at the end of the day picking up, I can make a significant dent in the mess. That means that with 7 1/2 hours at home alone, he has not spent anywhere close to 30 minutes picking up.

I read a humorous article one time that said that the perfect household job for a man is unloading the dishwasher...it has a beginning and an end and there is no question as to what the task is. So I think some of it is male/female - him not seeing what needs to be done. But give me a break...doesn't everyone know that dirty clothes don't belong on the floor for an extended amount of time.

Of course there are other issues. I feel extremely taken advantage of.

Ladies with good jobs: Think long and hard about letting DH be a stay at home dad. Despite the positive press, I would not do it again.

 

[airhead]

What does your Husband do all day?

 

[Mimi Q]

My niece and her husband went to marriage counseling, and it really helped them. Still together and happy now as far as I know.

 

[peg2001]

Originally posted by missypie

Ladies with good jobs: Think long and hard about letting DH be a stay at home dad. Despite the positive press, I would not do it again.

Yikes! I passed by this thread this morning but I have to reply to this. My DH is a SAHD and he has made it clear from the beginning that he is NOT a "house husband." The difference being that he takes care of the children, not the house. That said, he does a LOT around the house in the areas of laundry, cooking, and dishes. He does very LITTLE in the areas of picking up, cleaning, vacuuming, wiping down, etc. The house is usually a mess but we have clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat off of, and food to eat.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Our children are happy and healthy and I am thankful they are at home with a loving parent.

IMHO, if your children are school aged, they are old enough to start helping around the house. I suggest a family meeting, list all the daily and weekly chores, and divide them up among ALL family members.

Best of luck.
Peggy

 

[missypie]

Airhead, that is the question!!! I know it's a stereotypical bad husband line - you know, the husband comes home from work and the house is neat and the kids are clean and there is a nice meal on the table and the husband wants to know what the wife did all day. But in my case when I come home and the house is just sheer chaos and there is nothing to eat, all I can do is wonder what he did all day!!!

 

[missypie]

Peggy, are your kids in school yet? I tolerated the mess and lack of home cooked food as long as at least one was at home all day. But now he truly has 7 1/2 hours home alone 5 days a week. Why in the world shoud that be his leisure time? He does spend several hours after school most days driving the kids to activites...gee, I'd like a job where I was off from 7:30-3:30 and worked from 3:30 to 6.

It is also very very difficult to get the kids to pick up when daddy never ever does. "Why do my clothes have to be picked up when daddy doesn't have to pick up his?"

 

[missypie]

One more thing: I'd give up the neatness issue if there was decent food to eat when I got home!

 

[Hillbeans]

My DH and I both work FT, and we have a 3 yo who is in daycare 3 days a week. Even though we both work, I tend to do 80% of the running around, cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc. There are some days I feel, as you said "taken advantage of" and that's even with my DH working. I admit, i'm very big on things being 50-50, and I know when it's not I point it out on any occasion.

IMHO, your husband sounds depressed and you sound like you've got one foot out the door. Not to be rude, but how are things in "other" departments? If you have an otherwise loving, caring relationship in the bedroom and this is the only issue, this relationship can probably be salvaged (that is, if that's what you want...I assume it is since you asked for opinoons) You're kids are older, and now should be the time for you and your DH to enjoy. I really wish you all the best.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

yikes!

Yes, I can say however that in my experience it sometimes takes trying out a couple of different counsellors or therepists until you find somebody that both of you are comfortable with?

If you don't mind my asking, whose pants were they?

All of my family can tell that a typical "Mom" blow-up here is me screaming that I am NOT their maid. IE - people old enough to go to work and school are also old enough not to throw their dirty clothes on the floor and expect somebody else to come along and pick them up just because "they're home all day." Now if they were his pants - shame on him!

best of luck.

 

[Hillbeans]

Also, LOL at the "pants on the floor and video on the floor" comment. I have a dirty mind and had to laugh at that one.