Does anyone value marriage anymore?

[Minnie824]

Does anyone get married these days and plan on spending the rest of their lives with their spouse? Or do they feel that if it doesn't work, they can just get divorced? All I hear on the news is this person is divorced and that person cheated. Now, one of my good friends who has been w/her DH for 15 years, just found out he cheated, and they're getting divorced. I mean, you think you know a person. I would never have thought that would happen to her. Anyone have any advice for her?

Edited to add....
I completely think she should divorce her DH...and she did value her marriage...it was her DH who did not. I just wanted to clarify that. I know in some situations, theres no choice...her DH put her in that position by not caring enough to begin with.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Your friend should only reconcile with her husband if he showing her true remorse and that he promises to have no contact with his affair partner(s). If these basic conditions are not met then she is well within her (spiritual & Godly) right to divorce him.

 

[rabx5]

Heck, does anybody even marry anymore? I swear every younger couple I know have children together, but never marry.

You are right though- everybody is too quick to divorce these days
If they can afford it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If my DH cheats on me I am divorcing him. Both parties have to value the marriage for it to work. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I would just support your friend and do what you can.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I'm still happily married after 16 years. Very happy. The majority of people I know are happily married. It doesn't seem that uncommon. In our neighborhood of about 65 houses, I think we've seen 3 marriages fall apart in the 4 years we've lived there.

As for me, I wouldn't divorce my wife just because she cheated on me. I vowed to stay with her until "death do us part." I would, however, take the kids to visit her grave every week.

 

[Nyla]

I agree that it's sad to see little value held in marital vows, these days.

I told DF before we got engaged, that the person I marry is the person I plan to be married to, until the day I die. When I make such a huge commitment and literally vow my undying faithfulness and devotion to said person, I plan to honor the promise. (I'm 23, with no kids! )

My aunt and uncle were married for 22 years with two grown daughters, when my aunt suddenly found out her husband was having an affair with a woman who had five small kids! I never, in a million years, would have thought my uncle would have been a man to deceive his family in such a disgusting betrayal.

Too bad so many people don't seem to view their vows as sacred.

 

[All American]

I value marriage. In fact, I love being married. Our first year was HARD, much harder than I ever imagined anything could ever be, but I knew my husband was worth the fight. We stuck with it, and I am so glad I did. I even made a sign to put in my house that says, "Marriage is fun." It's not always easy, but it is definately worth it.

 

[dislal]

I think the problem is how much people value the church, when I married my DH we both took our vows seriously, if down the road something happen that I would want to divorce him I would have to think long and hard about it. Marriage is not easy (especially with kids), but we work on it everyday.

 

[Scornelius]

I heard Will Smith say it best on a Barbara Walters special. Essentially, it was 'if divorce is an option, you'll get one'. I know so many couples who go into with the 'if it doesn't work, we get a divorce' mindset, and it irks me. I've only been married for 4 years, so I can't pretend to know everything, but I really feel like it's not an option. DH and I take our vows seriously, and have already been through stuff that I know could have broken up other couples. No infidelity or anything, just really, really stressful times. But we have an underlying layer of friendship that helps get us through.

My step sister filed for divorce 3 weeks after getting back from her honeymoon. And this was 2 years after buying a home with another guy and leaving him before construction was complete. She's a serial monogamist, and I honestly doubt she'll ever be in anything that lasts longer than 3 years.

Oh, and I'm the only one of my friends who got married, then bought a home, then got pregnant. What a concept!

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

As for me, I wouldn't divorce my wife just because she cheated on me. I vowed to stay with her until "death do us part." I would, however, take the kids to visit her grave every week.

Funny, my DH says the same thing.

 

[RainbowBrite]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I sure value my marriage.

 

[NTDreams]

I recently got married. We waited 5 years before hand. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with DH BUT I also know that as we grow we may change and things might happen. It doesn't mean that we won't try. If a relationship is broken it is broken and nothing can fix it. Marriage isn't hard. The same values and time you put into dating and living together are still there, nothing changes. The vows just solidify the promise.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I, personally, think people are less likely now to stay in an unhappy marriage. The stigma attatched to divorce is fading, and people (especially women) aren't feeling like failures if it doesn't work out.

I've been married for almost 3 years, but my DH and I have been together for 9 years. He was married before to a woman who left him for his best friend. He was 20 at the time. Obviously, he went into this marriage with a different perspective. We value each other so much.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I, personally, think people are less likely now to stay in an unhappy marriage. The stigma attatched to divorce is fading, and people (especially women) aren't feeling like failures if it doesn't work out.

I agree with you that the stigma is lessened because women, specifically, can go out and get a job/career to support themselves and their families. The bigger problem, however, is that statistics show that children of divorced families suffer financial and educational fallout, when the household is not intact. Mind you I am only talking about statistics. I know plenty of kids from divorced homes turn out A-ok but they turned out ok in spite of, not because of, the effects of divorce.

 

[tazdev3225]

I value my marraige enough to say that we will be married for 28 years in July. It hasn't always been easy but when my DH and I married we both said for life. I had an aunt get divorced after 25 years but she had been unhappy for 20+ years. It was really what she had to do because her ex was emotionally abusive.
All 3 of my kids are living with the other parent of their child(ren). My DD has 3 kids and has been engaged for 6 years but he doesn't want to get married yet because his parents were always threatening to divorce. My other DD's BF will not get married for 5 more years because that means they will stay married. That's what worked for his parents. I don't understand either reasoning. My DS is getting married in August. I stay quiet now.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm wondering if we will be seeing the divorce rate decline in the areas hardest hit by the recession.

Divorce is a very expensive option for most people; not the legal costs, but having to maintain two households on the amount of money that used to have to maintain just one. I know an awful lot of people who have stayed in dead marriages for just this reason.

 

[ZachnElli]

I absolutely understand where the OP is coming from. I'm surrounded these days by couples, divorcing and seperating. At work, one coworker is separated and probably getting divorced and the other (there are 4 of us and 1 is my dh!) just got married in Sept. is also separated. Huge wedding and they didn't even make it 6 months! We had a customer, a good well known to us customer come in yesterday and mentioned leaving her husband possibly soon. I just can't get over it! My dh and I work together, live together, and we are happily married for almost 17 years now and we just don't get it! We've been through some very hard times, lost jobs, moving across the country (more than once!), unemployment for over a year, fertility issues, adoption issues and here we are, still happy.

 

[frisco]

Sadly, people change. The person you married 15 years ago could have changed much in that time. You don't plan on it, but what can you do, live the rest of your life being miserable?

It's just unfortunate that so many people get raked over the coals in divorce settlements.

It's like Al Bundy said when he found out his driver's license expired: "Why can't a marriage license expire?"

 

[c4a]

I am divorced and remarried. I admit that the divorce was my fault...I refused to get along with my ex's girlfriends, & party all night every night.

The hardest part of the divorce wasn't losing him. I lost so many other things...years that couldn't be replaced, self respect, an innocence, the ability to believe friends were friends & not part of his cover-up. The worst part was the loss of a dream...that whole white knight thing, marry the best friend, spending my life with someone who I loved so deeply & thought felt the same. His breaking his promises forced me to make a decision to break mine.

Now, I have a wonderful husband who actually wants me to have an opinion & a life. It took a lot to take that plunge again...and many years to get over the initial betrayal. That is why we lived together for years before getting married...fear of going through it all over, again.

I think some people like the concept of the wedding more than the reality of the marriage...or at least they spend more time on that aspect. I suppose some go into marriage with the loop-hole mentality. The ones I know who are divorced, myself included, never thought that it would turn out the way it did. Truly, we went into it with full intention of making it work. But a marriage takes two & what do you do when your the one that is being left? The one who was betrayed? Not until put into that position can one really say what would be done. And even if wanting to forgive & working it out is the heart's desire...if they want to leave, legally there is nothing the forgiving spouse can do. Especially,with "no fault" laws.

I do think that there has been a major change in how society views divorce. When I went through mine, it was scandalous. Now, people talk about it like they do the weekly supermarket sales..."10 for $5. J and K are getting a divorce. Oh, look...orange juice is half off."

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I agree with you that the stigma is lessened because women, specifically, can go out and get a job/career to support themselves and their families. The bigger problem, however, is that statistics show that children of divorced families suffer financial and educational fallout, when the household is not intact. Mind you I am only talking about statistics. I know plenty of kids from divorced homes turn out A-ok but they turned out ok in spite of, not because of, the effects of divorce.

You are absolutely right in that statistics do show that divorced families suffer financial fall out, especially for the woman who is usually the caretaker of the children. A woman's standard of living after a divorce typically plummets 73% in the year following a divorce while a man's increases by 42%. But, finanical aspects are only one part of an equation. Yes, the standard of living may decrease, but a spouse's happiness and joy should be part of the equation too. Women no longer feel the need to stay in marriages where emotional or physical abuse, adultery, or just plain unhappiness plague everyday life. And, in the end, I believe children are better off when parents who clearly don't love each other any longer divorce, instead of the children witnessing these acts growing up.