Does anyone value marriage anymore?

[chicagodisneyfan]

Aren't all babies lgeitimate?

Nope - only the ones born out of wedlock.....

 

[jordansmomma]

I value marriage. I value it enough to not want it for myself. At least in this point of my life. Too many take it for granted. Or to them its just something to do.

I agree.
I value marriage enough to know that even at 30 I am not ready to jump into marriage, but maybe someday. But then again at 20 when my kids dad asked I wasn't ready then.
I know that after 9 years with my kids dad treating me like crap, lying and many more things, that it was easier to leave and start over, than having to get divorced. We were engaged, but when you are unhappy and stay together because of the kids, then marriage is wrong.
Then with my last ex-dbf we were together for 4 years, engaged, wedding planned, invitations ordered, things paid for and the week after we got the invitations sent out, I realized that this wasn't what I wanted. Not that it wasn't him that I wanted, he is great. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. But I realized that we had grown apart. Our lives were going in different directions. He is a totally farmer boy & I am a city girl.
I know that I would not have made him a good wife, because in the event that something were to happen to his dad, we would have had to move to hell and taken over the family farm. I am not sure I would ever be willing to just up and move my kids to a small, well smaller town that we already live in. I know I wouldn't have been happy. So I didn't go through with it.
IMO it was better to have eaten $6500 give or take, than to eventually have to choose between moving & my husband & being unhappy to being happy.
Maybe that is selfish. But it is my life & if I am not happy there is no way I could make him happy. Who wants to terribly unhappy?
But we are still quite good friends. We go to dinner or to the movies or something once in a while. He is a great person, I love him, but our lives will never be going in the same direction. I hope that someday he finds that special person who will make him happy.

Marriage isn't for everyone. I don't think it makes you less of a person or a bad person because you choose not to get married or choose to get divorced. Its a personal choice.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I think its just a combination of things. There is less stigma attached to divorce. Women have come up leaps and bounds in their ability to support themselves. Not all the way there but its much more commonplace now for women to be able to earn a living and not be dependant on a man/marriage to put a roof over their heads and food on their tables. A lot of currently married people vowed they wouldn't do what their parents did: stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. And then of course there is the fact that as a society we are more selfish, less about what works for others and more about what works for our own self. And not that that is why all people get divorced but I do think selfishness runs rampant in today's times and its tough to be part of a union when all you care about is yourself.

I don't think religion is the end all be all for a happy, lasting marriage. Now if both people value religion and make that a priority, something that they value and use to help them through good times and bad, it is very helpful. But not all people do or should be expected to believe in God. I do and its done wonders for my marriage, but that's just us (me and my husband that is). Its something we share and value together. It could just as easily be something else.

And yes, I do think marriage should be hard work. Just like being a parent. I don't equate hard work with drudgery. I like to work hard at things that matter. If its all fun, how long can that last? I mean, thank God my husband was willing to work hard with me when my mom was battling Alzheimers and cancer for six long years. We had little time for each other during that time frame and if he had been all about fun, he'd have left me early on in that process. Instead he looked at that as a stage, as a family committment we would share. It made us stronger but yes, it was work. To me a marriage is part and parcel of your whole life. So when tough times hit one aspect of your life, it hits your marriage too. Nothing fun and games about that. So best not to let your marriage be based on something your whole life cannot possibly be about.

 

[Amy&Dan]

You would never know it from these boards!!

We have women who have 4 children from 3 different men and no mention of marriage.

We have women who continue to have illegitimate babies.

We have women who want to be married so badly they have their wedding days planned out from start to finish - except no one talks about the marriage.

I have been married for 12 years - it is EASY for us. We love, laugh and talk. He has seen me at my best and worst and still adores me. We have not had any rough patches and do not foresee any.

I hope you are right. But be careful about saying that. Because life can throw you a huge wrench. Rough patches are a part of life. Its not feasible that between you both, you couldn't have something happen with health, a job, a child, a parent, etc. Again, I hope you don't have any rough patches! But if you do, be prepared for your marriage to be put in a different light. You sound like a strong couple. But I just cringe when I see people say things like what I highlighed in your post.

 

[Mr Man]

I guess I am among the lucky ones. DW and I will be celebrating our 19th Wedding Anniversary at WDW in exactly 21 days (I have the date etched on the inside of my wedding ring for quick reference ). It is our first marriage.

Both of our parents have now been married at least 50 yrs.

Our brothers and sisters......a bit of a mixed bag. There are a few who got divorces who really should have tried a bit harder to work things out......some who we are kinda surprised they are still married......

....but everyone, regardless of their current marital status is loved and accepted by all in the family (just gets a bit confusing around family holiday times is all).

I believe that everyone in my family values marriage, but admit that we all seem to give it a different value. I think our society as a whole does the same.

 

[lillygator]

so you are saying divorced people don't value marriage?

 

[Pigeon]

I guess I come from marrying stock. My parents and dh's parents are married w/ no divorces. Dh and I have been married 27 years (and we are *gasp* agnostic). We have 11 sibs between us, and only one divorce, and it wasn't something the sib wanted. Most of my friends are either single and never married or still married to their one and only.

Religion has little to do with it. Born again Christians have higher divorce rates than atheists.

 

[jordansmomma]

Nope, not at all...I edited my post to try to explain...my friend is caught in a tough situation and I completely agree she should divorce her DH...there is no trusting him again. However, her DH did not value their marriage...my complaint is with him. There just seem to be a lot of people (like her DH) who don't care if they're married, go out and cheat, not caring whose lives they destroy.

That is true. What gets me is when the other person KNOWs that the other one is married and still does it...

You would never know it from these boards!!

We have women who have 4 children from 3 different men and no mention of marriage.
And what if she has had 3 different marriages? Or relationships? Or what if she happened to have been in high school and made a mistake? Surely she is a bad person right??
We have women who continue to have illegitimate babies.
SERIOUSLY???
We have women who want to be married so badly they have their wedding days planned out from start to finish - except no one talks about the marriage.
Doesn't every girl dream of her wedding? I remember being a little girl and putting on my moms wedding dress & planning with my friends...

I have been married for 12 years - it is EASY for us. We love, laugh and talk. He has seen me at my best and worst and still adores me. We have not had any rough patches and do not foresee any.

Not everyone has an easy marriage. Sometimes the rough patches are a little harder to get out of than they expect it to be.

Nope - only the ones born out of wedlock.....

I really have nothing to say about that....except that even though my kids were born out of wedlock.....doesn't mean they were or are loved anyless by either parent. Not being married doesn't make my kids anyless worthy of anything.

 

[SC Minnie]

We have been married almost 17 years. Everyday is not wine and roses believe me there are days I wonder why either of us are still here but we hang in there. The good days outweigh the bad for the most part and we plan on staying together for the long haul. That being said, I will not tolerate infidelity. That is a complete deal breaker for me. I could personally never trust him again. I grew up in a house where there was infidelity and vowed that I would not put up with it like my mother did.

 

[Darsa]

I've been married for 14 years in April. Still can't believe it's been that long.

It's nice to know that some people have it easy. I know that in my marriage we've had to work at some things, and I really feel that that's the problem these days. People don't think they should work at it, they should just give up because obviously it's not going to work, right off the bat. Seems almost like people are too lazy to try to make marriages work these days.

I would NOT stay with my husband if I found out that he was with someone else. That is something that's been well understood from the outset. There have been a total of TWO times when his eyes have wandered... but that's as far as it went. As he said, both times, "I came to my senses and thought "what was I thinking???". I can't say it didn't upset me, and make for some rough times, but we worked through it. I feel that our marriage is that much stronger because of it.

My daughter mentions once in a while how HER family is so different and strange because her parents are married to each other

I'm proud that my marriage has lasted as long as it has. I hope that it's teaching my DD that it IS possible, and that two people living together will NOT always be in harmony, and to communicate and work it out.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I really have nothing to say about that....except that even though my kids were born out of wedlock.....doesn't mean they were or are loved anyless by either parent. Not being married doesn't make my kids anyless worthy of anything.

Damn straight your kids are loved and valued. I don't understand the mentality of "illegetimacy". That word is ugly to me. All kids are legitimate. I mean they are here, therefore they exist. I thought that term was retired with a lot of other ugly words we don't use anymore.

My sister wasn't married when my nephew was born. That kid (now 25) was the light of this family. He has been loved and adored by us all. He was the best thing that ever happened to my sister. I find him very legitmate.

So when I hear people use a term I find insulting to my nephew, I just feel so sad!

 

[Sorsha]

I think the problem is how much people value the church, when I married my DH we both took our vows seriously, if down the road something happen that I would want to divorce him I would have to think long and hard about it. Marriage is not easy (especially with kids), but we work on it everyday.

Ya know what, I have to call foul on this one. I am an agnostic and my husband and I haven't set foot in a church in years. Oh and by the way we have been happily married for almost 16 years. He is my soulmate, my life partner, and my best friend. And religion has NOTHING to do with the success of our marriage. What DOES make it successful? Love, trust, respect, and friendship.

ITA! If more people would bring church back into their lives not only would marriage be looked at differently but I think kids would be more well behaved.
JMHO

FOUL again! Not only is my marriage successful, but my children are relatively well-behaved. And you know what they aren't?? Judgemental. Neither they, nor their parents, would ever dream of defining someone's successes based on their religious beliefs or lack thereof.

So those that don't attend church give up on marriage easily and have unruly kids?

I'm calling bull on this. My DH and I are not Christians and do not attend church. We are going on year 15 and are still very much in-love and our marriage is rock solid. Church has nothing to do with that. Our DD6 is a joy to be with and is very well-behaved. Again, the church has nothing to do with that. It's the type of people WE are and the way WE raise our child that has to due with our success.

My grandparents were very religious and yet they raised 3 kids (out of 8) who ended up in prison and spent the last 15 years of their married life in seperate bedrooms- so your theory is debunked.

ITA! Some of the most religious people I have ever known have had some pretty grimy skeletons in their closets. Everyone is going to have problems once in a while, and a mythological Hebrew diety has nothing to do with it, IMHO.

What ROT! DH and I are both athiests. We've been together for 23 years, married for 16 and have a GREAT marriage Thanks! Oh and our 8 year old DD is top in her class for everything, is a school 'buddy' (someone kids who get bullied can go to for support) and who we constantly get compliments about her good manners and behaviour from teachers and other parents. Perhaps I best tell her to give up now as she's doomed.

Marriage is about the commitment you are willing to put into it, and the love and respect between partners. Religious affiliation has nothing to do with it.

 

[daisax]

Maybe people value marriage too much to go through life in a bad one.

 

[NTDreams]

It also depends on the family. I just recently watched a segmanet about arranged marriage. I thought it was intesting how long thoses marriages last and how much they work through the rough pactches.

It's also the older generation. I'm almost 30. To me this is the right age to be married though my Dh's Grandmother thinks I should have two kids by now. We live longer, more fulfilled lives than generations pass. For most of my college life I though marriage was silly and pointless. My girlfriend and I were going to buy a house together have a friend for impregnation and then get four dogs. Dh's Gm also treats me very differently than the fiancee of his brother who just had a kid. I'm the good one in her eyes.

I guess my point is that marriage is in the eye of the beholder. Religion has nothing to do with it.

 

[minniebeth]

Well, I guess the value of marriage or lack thereof, can start young...my DS14 tells me stories of all his classmates who are "going out" but this one texts that one behind his or her back, "cheat" on each other, go out with each others' best friends before they are officially "broken up", etc. etc.

A lot of these parents either don't know what's going on to be able to talk about what's right/not right or don't care to correct it out of wanting to know about what's going on at the expense of disciplining, in this term meaning teaching...

If they think it's acceptable at this age and no one ever corrects it, it will continue in their adult lives as to what is accpetable...

Just my 2cents...

 

[Texa]

I'll be honest with you. I think marriage is overrated as a means to happiness. If I had to do it over again, I doubt I'd marry. I look back on our nearly 30 years together and in hindsight I see a LOT of sacrifices that I made for the good of my marriage and/or my family that has resulted in everyone being happy BUT me.

Frankly, even thru all the years of incredible nastiness with my ILs, I never questioned the value of my marriage, in part because dh and I got along very well and in part I am an optimistic person and think 'my circumstances will get better later, I'll have other opportunities to recoup my sacrifices later'. Then...you reach your middle span of years and you start to realize that 'later' is running out and that thanks to age discrimination you can't get back into your career or start a new one and most of your life's dreams will never be achieved and the major reason for that was your commitment to your marriage and making the other person happy.

I was didn't even realize that I had such hidden unhappinesss until two things happened over the span of 4 years which made me deeply re-examine my life. My life came up short. I'm not getting into the details on a message board (although some of you may remember my venting post from last summer...) but suffice to say, we have what to all appearances is a good and solid marriage. He's basically a good guy and I know he loves me. But....my happiness is not anyone's priority, my sacrifices and surrendering of dreams are just par for the course and taken for granted.

I look back and then I look around and I see SO many other people like me, who have made sacrifices, done the 'right' thing and get nothing REAL in return in their marriage and I have to wonder if this institution is worth valuing.


Yeah, fine words coming from a man who is in an open marriage. It's a matter of record that he and Jada removed the vows of fidelity from their marriage ceremony and do not believe monogamy is necessary to marriage. Well, then, staying married just got a LOT easier for them since they've removed infidelity and jealousy as a reason for divorce.

I'm exactly where you are.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Damn straight your kids are loved and valued. I don't understand the mentality of "illegetimacy". That word is ugly to me. All kids are legitimate. I mean they are here, therefore they exist. I thought that term was retired with a lot of other ugly words we don't use anymore.

My sister wasn't married when my nephew was born. That kid (now 25) was the light of this family. He has been loved and adored by us all. He was the best thing that ever happened to my sister. I find him very legitmate.

So when I hear people use a term I find insulting to my nephew, I just feel so sad!

MTE. My first DD was a surprise and I was pregnant with my 2nd DD when I got married. My 2nd DD was completely planned...Her father and I were very committed, more so than some of married people I know. We just didn't have the certificate. When I was pregnant with my first, my Grandmother said, "Oh, but you're baby won't have a name." I said, yes she will. Her name is Lydia ****. She got quiet after that and never said another thing about it. She's 89 so I expected a little shock from her. A lot of times, when people think of children from unwed couples, they see the negative stereotypes of young people who made mistakes. It's funny how some people are scrutinized for not being married while some are denied the right to get married in the first place.

 

[bhaluvindisney]

I was very religious, dated my husband for 5 years before we got married, had hopes and dreams of being married forever, had no thought that we would ever divorce and then one day 2 years ago my now ex husband came home one afternoon, told me he didn't love me, had cheated on me and was moving out without any chance of trying to reconcile it. He came back that night, told the kids he was done and that was it.

I had NO idea he was unhappy. We hadn't been fighting, had a trip planned the following week and BAM he slapped me with that tidbit of news.

I am now divorced and had no idea it was coming. I value marriage, was religious, had 3 kids with my husband and wham here I am a now divorced, single mom of 3 kids and still feel shocked that I am where I am.

I would have never predicted this happening to us. We were best friends, had a great life, great kids, religious, financially secure and yet it did. There are no guarantees in life sadly.

 

[FINFAN]

I value it , my DH does...but I guess it truly is an individual thing. Neither of my kids wish to get married ( they are 14 and 18) so even tho they grew up in a traditional home, they do not see it as something they need in their life or as a way of achieving happiness, and I am good with that. Actually, I'm very pleased that they are secure enough to be happy on their own terms.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Marraige isn't an endless party. There are good times, and incredibly dark, difficult times. My DH and I are celebrating our 10 yr wedding anniversary with a vow renewal. We have two wonderful, incredibly challenging kids with multiple disabilities, my mom has lived with us since we got married (heart attack, then cancer, then Chrons disease, she's needed help but we really love having her), I have a degenerative auto immune disease as well, and my DH suffered from severe depression. We've been through the mill, and sometimes I cried every night, and felt lonlier than I ever felt on my own. But we have a covenant marraige. I promised for better or worse, and I meant it. And because we stuck together in the hard times, we were able to appreciate when things got better. I have complete faith in him, and him me because we've earned that trust. We've seen worse, and lived to tell about it. And our faith does make a difference. God is in the center of our marraige, and we base our decisions on our faith. I love and respect my husband more now than the day I married him, and he feels the same. It is deeper, richer and more meaningful because it's been tested and refined.